Emotional Infidelity...?

[Drew02]

My BF and I live in an area where there isn't a lot of opportunity to interact with other gays. I have some good straight friends, but there are things I can't really talk to them about. So about 6 months ago, I met a guy online at another gay chat/forum and we hit it off almost instantly. We just had this understanding of each other that was pretty amazing. He is also in a long-term, monogamous relationship, and we have no romantic or sexual feelings for each other. It's just that we can talk, about anything and everything, and it's good. The 4 of us met once IRL for a weekend, and by BFs response was a rather tepid, "They seem nice".
At this point, my friend and I chat whenever we're on the forum together, email 3 - 4 times a day and sometimes chat on MSN or chatzy.
The problem is, my BF has started complaining that he thinks I'm too close to my friend and talk to him too much and tell him too many personal things. It's not like I'm taking time away from being with my BF, we often work different shifts so he isn't even home. And I don't talk to my friend INSTEAD of my BF.
My BF is talking about what he calls Emotional Infidelity, which he says is when someone is emotionally intimate with someone outside the relationship.
It doesn't seem fair to me that I have to sacrifice a friendship that I value a lot because my BF is jealous, possessive, and watches too much Dr. Phil.
I love him and I'm try hard to make things between us work, but I don't understand why he feels like he has to be the only person in my life that I'm close to.
Am I wrong about this?

[East]

In these kinds of situations (in general)...I would redirect the question and ask him to explain in his own words exactly what bothers him..and why. A lot of times when a person gets out of their head and hears themselves it can unlock things that might otherwise be unseen.....

It also seems that in these kinds of situations the other one is defining the conversation by insisting you respond to their neurosis...though they rarely thank you when you point it out you ARE doing them a favor!

[Virge]

Drew, I don't know where I got the impression you were maybe 40 - 50 years old. After reading what you wrote here, I went back and read your introduction trying to figure out where I got the idea. I dunno. That must have been one of those days I was high on crack.


What really sets off alarms in my head about this is you mention jealousy and possessiveness and this thing called 'emotional infidelity.'... I had to read up on that even though I'' soon be married to a brainiac psychologist.... Here's 18 signs you've gone too far with emotional infidelity according to trendy marriage experts. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/11...19129.html

You gave the that your BF defines Emotional Infidelity "as when someone is emotionally intimate with someone outside the relationship." Really? How healthy is that?
If you're close to parents and siblings that would constitute Emotional infidelity. A co-worker who's an intimate friend would be infidelity....

The big alarm is that my guy is constantly pushing me to make more gay friends and for tight relationships with them... and my guy is about as possessive as a guy can get. BUT he has ZERO fears that I'm going to cheat on him so his possessiveness is not a chain holding me back from anything. He just wants me all to himself when he can and...DUH!!! I'm not going to deny him that ever!

I think your BF is going through some deep insecurity issues... and it might be best to move on past trying to address them directly yourself and get him into counseling before the issues get worse.

[Borg69]

I agree that the BF is jealous and insecure. It's rough when you see your BF seem closer and more "intimate" than you think he's being with you.

[CellarDweller]

I can see both sides of this discussion.

No, you shouldn't give up a great friend to satisfy your partner. Good friends can be very hard to find, so be glad that you have him.

However, you did say that you felt "understood" by your friend. Does this mean you don't feel understood by your partner? Do you feel that you are getting something from your friend that you are not from your partner?

The two of you need to talk. Let him talk about why this bothers him so much. Ask him questions about it that he can't answer with just a 'yes' or 'no' so that you get a complete picture. Then, let him know why this friendship is important to you, and perhaps you'll see some changes in your partner as well.

[TwisttheLeaf]

....he thinks I'm too close to my friend and talk to him too much and tell him too many personal things. It's not like I'm taking time away from being with my BF, we often work different shifts so he isn't even home. And I don't talk to my friend INSTEAD of my BF.

Are you sharing things with your friend that you aren't sharing with your boyfriend?
Are you sharing things with your friend first, before you share them with your boyfriend?

I've found that these two in particular can make quite a difference. Gideon and I are both VERY sensitive to the emotional infidelity issue, perhaps because we are in a long distance relationship, yeah? It is a huge thing to find out things important to your partner have been shared with someone else before you.... or to feel that someone else is getting to know your partner better than you know them, and you partner is letting them.

It's scary. It can hurt.

Does this mean that you need to abandon your friend? No. But it -does- mean you need to pay attention to how much -intimacy- you give your friend VS. how much you give your partner and make sure the scales way in your BF's favor.

In these kinds of situations (in general)...I would redirect the question and ask him to explain in his own words exactly what bothers him..and why. A lot of times when a person gets out of their head and hears themselves it can unlock things that might otherwise be unseen....

Gideon does this for me a lot when something is bothering me, and it really helps. He'll talk me in circles around and around until we can get to the core of something, and refuses to let me deflect but instead will keep talking around it and nudging at it until he gets to the core.

This might help you understand your partner's issue, it's what you do with the information once you understand that's the question. If he -really- opens up and bears himself out to you, his feelings and fears etc? And you belittle or disregard those feelings.... it could severely damage his trust in you and/or trust in your love. So tread carefully.

[Anocxu]

The boyfriend has valid feelings....

You went online to a gay site..connected with other men .. regardless of the situation and now they are in yours and his life..

Now... here me out.. I understand this is innocent... but if meeting friends online was the norm for you ... your boyfriend would not have reacted the way he did.

Communication is also an issue here.. If you need to make friends.. you and your boyfriend should have a mutual understanding of this.

Here is the truth. ..
Your attention is divided and your boyfriend knows it...

Your new friend "Gets you"... and your boyfriend doesn't? ...Another issue there..

Your duty first and foremost is to your boyfriend. ..
Sort it out!

[Adam]

Arrggh!! I probably shouldn't even touch this one, but there are always 2 sides to every story.

My BF had this complaint about my relationship with my best friend (who, BTW, is married). He ran through all the stuff that the OP said and thought up a few things on his own.

We're in couples therapy, and our therapist is slowly bringing him around to seeing that it's his insecurity, not my behavior, that's the issue here.

SO yeah --- there are always two sides...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You self deleted... So I hope you are lurking and might read this.

There are unclear and often very messy lines between what we think is going on and what is going on.

This emotional infidelity thing - This is a problem of two different perspectives looking at the situation from two very different positions.

You are looking at this friendship from the inside, you can't see what it looks like from the outside. Your BF is looking from the outside and can't see what is happening inside.

His perceptions and feelings on the matter are valid - based on the data he posses. So too are yours, but then you both possess different data.

The solution is for you two to talk this out and try to convey what it looks like from each POV. Without leaping to contusions, without trying to finish sentences, without allowing your emotions to run off and take the lead.

The next step is compromise. Compromise is not (as I practice) giving up everything to appease other. Compromise is about finding a middle ground where both parties get part of what it is they want.

Perhaps its time to offer that you will spend less time online with your buddy and more time with your partner. Perhaps your partner just needs to feel more inclusive in this friendship...

Since you both are isolated from the rest of the LGBT community, perhaps the real issue here is that your partner needs a friend of his own someone he can pal around with and talk about 'stuff' and all of that other than just you?

I have no idea how your relationship works, my last one (14 years) worked rather well as long as we allowed each other to pursue a life outside of the home. but then we had different tastes, I like to hunt, camp, fish, hike, he liked to shop and do other urban socializing stuff.

We had 'our friends' and he had his friends and I had my friends. Our friends were equally shared, 'my friends' were folk who shared common interests with the individual. That doesn't mean we kept our 'my' friends hidden, everyone knew each other and there were more than just a few social occasions when everyone existed in the same place.

So perhaps its time you two strike an agreement like that? He gets his own 'best buddy' to pal around with, talk to, share whatever interests he has with....

[Adam]

^^^^^^ Lol nope Bowyn, Drew isn't lurking. He quit his jobs, broke up with Kevin and he set off hiking the Appalachian Trail. He left from the start point in Maine and his goal is to reach the end point in Georgia by January 1st. He's doing it alone --- a braver man than I am...