Gay, Bi, or just confused?

[TonyAndonuts]

Prepare yourself for a decently long story about my life:

So it's been almost a year now since I started seriously questioning my sexual orientation. For most of my life, I identified as totally straight. I liked girls. I paid attention to girls. I watched girls in high school from afar. I watched straight porn where girls were the main focus. I never thought for once I had any interest in guys. In fact, I feel like I was a bit insensitive to LGBT when I was just a stupid teenager. I often used "gay" in the negative way with my friends, although I never used the word fag. But as I got older and became more educated on sexuality and the LGBT, I became much less insensitive and started viewing homosexuality as nothing bad. I'd say this started around senior year in high school.

I still considered myself 100% straight, but looking back, there were a few instances that weren't so straight. I remember watching porn and sometimes on the side I'd see a thumbnail to some gay porn. I'd think to myself "Eww, gross. I don't wanna see that" but my gut reaction was "Whoa, I wonder what that's like." Sometimes I'd give into curiosity and watch a little bit of gay porn. And again, in my mind I'm thinking "This is disgusting", but all the while I'd have a raging boner and end up watching the whole thing... I'd convince myself that the boner is simply because it's a sexual video, so of course it'll give me a boner and that it's totally normal to be a little curious. But in college, I start to notice some guys and how built some of them are. Sometimes I'd catch myself staring. But again, I'd tell myself it's normal and I'm just admiring the hard work and look to them as examples of how I'd like my body to look someday.

These thoughts continued throughout college. I'd find myself looking at guys but pass it off as nothing and still identified as 100% straight. But sometime last year, I had a conversation with a friend about how we're both very ignorant on how gay sex works. So that led me to checking out gay porn again. This time, I was still thinking to myself "Eww, gross" but right after watching one, I thought "...Maybe I'll look at another. Maybe it'll be different." So I found myself watching gay porn almost as often as I watched straight porn, still telling myself "I don't like it, but I'm curious how it works." Obviously this was a huge lie. All the porn was the same, I had a clear idea, so I didn't need to continue watching...unless I was enjoying it.

This was the moment when I seriously started questioning my orientation. In fact, I came onto GaySpeak to get a gay perspective on the matter. I thought that maybe after years of watching straight porn, I was getting bored and needed something different, and gay porn is different. I thought maybe after a while, I'll want to go back to straight porn. That never happened. Instead, I kept watching and started noticing more guys in real life. After a few months, I kind of just dispelled the idea that I was 100% straight and that there was some other reason behind my feelings out of my mind and just let myself feel whatever I wanted to feel. And it felt great! No more feelings of shame or guilt. If I thought a guy was cute, then yeah, he's cute. No more "Oh well, I mean he's okay I guess. Nothing wrong with admitting a guy's handsome. I mean I wouldn't kiss him or anything." From then on, I noticed guys more and girls less. I even stopped watching straight porn, it's all been gay porn from that moment on. Recently I even had my very first sexual experience, and it was with a guy. And I liked it.

So, I definitely don't think I can say that I'm straight anymore. Bi or gay? Maybe. But definitely not straight. This year's been a huge snowball of discovery for me. But, I still feel confused. I thought that maybe I'm bi, which is very likely, but at the moment I'm much more interested in guys. Like I said, haven't gone back to straight porn and I barely notice girls anymore. But calling myself gay doesn't feel right either because...what have the past 21 years of my life been? I don't feel like I was forcing myself to like girls because of societal pressure, I do think I genuinely felt attracted to them. If societal pressure did anything, I feel like it kept my gay side hidden away. I never even entertained the thought that I might like guys until the LGBT movement became much bigger and louder. But if I did like girls, what happened to that attraction? It can't just disappear, can it? I'm not saying I don't find them attractive at all anymore because I do. But if you held up two pictures of a dude in a thong and a girl in some lingerie, my eyes would go for the dude first.

So what does this mean? Am I bisexual with a preference for guys or is it possible that that could change down the line? I have thought that maybe I'm just making up for years of neglecting my gay side by strictly focusing on guys and maybe I'll get back into girls again at some point. Maybe it's just too soon to tell, but I do find it interesting that throughout the many years of liking girls, I was never brave enough to actually ask a girl out or kiss a girl or anything like that. But just one year of discovering my gay side and I throw caution to the wind, go on Jack'd, make friends with a guy on campus, and then we do stuff at his apartment. I also noticed that I always had the willpower to look away from a girl who might be a little too exposed on the streets or on campus or whatever because I'd feel like a pervert if I stared, but when I see a cute guy with no shirt on I just cannot help but look and don't care if it's perverted.

I know a lot of people feel like labels are dumb and I shouldn't worry about it, but without something to call my orientation, I just feel really confused. Plus, when I finally have the courage to tell my friends and family, what do I say to them? Part of me wishes it could be just a simple "I'm gay", then there's no confusion. But if I said "I like guys, but I also like girls sometimes, although I'm more interested in guys at the moment" they'd get all confused or say something like "Well then it must be just a phase. You'll eventually like girls again and everything will be normal." Maybe it is just a phase? I really don't know. I feel like it's too soon to tell, but dammit I want to know now...

[ChadCoxRox]

I hope in time you'll come back and read how you sorted things and explained them and give it another go! I appreciate those willing to do it before an audience and I hope your journey is strategized and constructed with happiness by the day and joy through the years.

[MikeW]

Yeah, that is long. But well written and interesting. I'm just replying to kick up your post. I have no idea how to label you although it sounds like you're bi leaning toward gay on the continuum. Maybe a 4 or 5 on the Kinsey scale. You might do a search and see if there are any orientation tests, take them and see what results you get. Will it slide back in the other direction? I duno but I doubt it. Especially if you're enjoying your sexual experiences with guys.

So, what to tell everyone else? Well certainly not that you are confused. I'd just say "I'm gay," and let it be. Maybe a few close folks who you felt could 'deal' with the ambiguity and fluidity of sexuality you might go into more detail. But, you know, most people don't need to know (or even really want to know) everything that's going on in your head, especially around your sexuality. Think about it, you may see hundreds of people every day and *assume* they are 100% straight and/or have no peculiar sexual quirks. But fact is, although the vast majority may be that way, there's a sizable percentage, even on the straight end of the spectrum, where things just aren't that clear cut or, how to put it, 'suitable' for casual conversation.

Ultimately what matters most is your acceptance of yourself and it sounds like you're well on your way to that. Just enjoy your sexuality (safely, of course!) and try not to worry about pigeonholing it overly much.

My advice, anyway.

[MikeW]

I was thinking about it and want to add something.

Rather than dividing it up strictly along sexuality lines, how about dividing it up more along emotional interest, attachment and bonding lines? In other words a 'gay' man is looking for another man to have a relationship with, which is more than just sex. Same with a 'straight' man. He's more interested in bonding emotionally with a female. I point this out because, although some people disagree with me on this (depends on how one defines the terms), I know for a fact there are 'straight' men who have sex with other men and, conversely, 'gay' men who have sex with women--neither of whom self-identify as 'bi'.

Just saying that sex is one thing but if you begin to feel you want to settle down and bond with another human being, forming a new family unit, it isn't *just* about sex. Sure, sex is important, but there is love. Can you, do you want to, fall in love with another guy? To me that's really the more important question.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

First off, how refreshing to see a poster who knows HOW to use paragraphs

I think your discovering that individuals sexuality can be very complex, and while society at general may like to put people into certain buckets, life is actually much more complex than that.

Right now your on a journey of self discovery, and its still a little early to try and say whether your gay, bi, curious or any combination thereof. For now I wouldn't get hung up on finding a label that describes yourself. Labels are for other people, you're just you

Continue doing what your doing, stay safe in your exploits and you will soon find your niche in the world.

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[Borg69]

When I was your age, anything and everything got me excited... Driving on a bumpy gravel road, seeing animals or bugs screwing, genital diagrams in a dictionary... guys are very visually oriented and can get aroused at the drop of a hat or every time the wind blows. And most guys are wired so that Stimulation leads to Erection leads to Orgasm. If you rub that thing on anything long enough, you'll get off and it'll feel good.

It could be that you are gay and your biology is asserting itself over your "gotta be straight" programming that's been ingrained in you since birth. It could be you're bi, or it could be you're just an open minded adventurous, hyper sexual person who can have a good time physically with who/whatever is available.

Considering you're just starting to dip your toes into the experimenting stages it may be too soon to know exactly where you are on applying any labels just yet. There's no rush... explore and see what your options are.

[LJay]

Well, if you want a label, 'curious' seems as good as any. I very much endorse the idea that labels are unnecessary, but practically speaking they are useful.

Just try to be who you are and avoid guilt, which does not seem to be too evident in your posting. It is a bad idea to feel bad in any way about what the natural world presents. Be well. And keep us posted.

Just curious (in a different way), and you don't have to reply, but is it Columbus, Georgia, Ohio or Indiana?

[ETOTE]

Prepare yourself for a decently long story about my life:

oh hell...lemme grab some dinner now then

[TwisttheLeaf]

....maybe I'm bi, which is very likely, but at the moment I'm much more interested in guys.

Am I bisexual with a preference for guys or is it possible that that could change down the line?

What I've found is that unlike "Gay" and "Straight", which are both very rigid in their preferences, Bisexuality can (and often does) fluctuate. Sometimes quite a bit, especially when in the experimental phase like you are now.

From everything you've written here? I'd say you fall very easily into the "bisexual range" of sexuality. Because you're experimenting, where you fall in that 'range' might flux a bit. There's nothing wrong with that.

Plus, when I finally have the courage to tell my friends and family, what do I say to them?

IMO, I would tell them "I'm bisexual. And, at least for now, my preferences lean more towards men." If they want to speculate on what the future then holds for you? That's their problem. Nothing in the future is set in stone until it comes to pass. So you tell them what your present circumstance is, and that you don't know what the future will bring.

[50Plus]

By the title, I thought it was a poll and I was going to pick Gay,

Like etote I will get supper ready and digest the writings over a beer.