Is he cheating?

[milka]

Hi,

I'm sure you're probably going to scream "yes, you f***ing idiot!" at your laptops but I just wanted to get some more opinions.

I posted a thread on here a few months ago about me and my boyfriend not having had sex for about 6 months. Anyway it's still kind of a problem (getting a bit better but nothing to throw a party over) PLUS I've recently discovered his internet search history which revealed he not only watches an awful lot of porn at any given opportunity, he also searches for gay cruising areas the night before he goes away for the weekend.

There's no evidence to suggest that he actually goes through with it (apart from the fact WE never have sex). But he's surely attempting to, right? Or is it some sort of weird trap to see if I'm snooping on him? (I'm really crap at mind games etc!)

Advice appreciated!

[bluedragon]

Hmm iT might be possible that he is cheating. But on the other hand, he might be innocent actually.

About watching porn, maybe he has some fantasies/fetishes that he like but is hesitant to let you know?

But you have mentioned that he also searched for gay cruising areas ( which indeed increases our suspicion )

Why don't you sit down with him and talk to him about your sex lives? Only then you would know why hes not in sexual contact with you.

If he is cheating (which I hope not), there are normally a few signs that you can observe
-Hes more image-conscious ( going to the gym more frequently etc)
-He has a change in his dressing style
-He is more secretive and protective of his handphone (messages), wallets (restaurant bills etc)

Take it easy. Hope this helps.

[AdamAndWill]

(Adam) Mind games suck - trust me, you don't want to get good at them.

If he hasn't cheated yet, it's probably not for lack of trying. I have no problem with my BF watching porn, but I would have MAJOR problems if he was doing it INSTEAD of having sex with me.

I don't know if he's actually cheating or what, but there's a problem somewhere here. So what you need to decide is whether you're willing to confront him, lay it all out and risk a break-up or if you'd rather let things ride and see what happens. There's no wrong answer here, just a decision that you need to make.

[milka]

Thanks both,

I definitely want to confront him (or let's say bring up the subject) as the whole no-sex thing has been going on far too long (2 years now) and I've had enough of letting things ride.

Question is how do I bring it up without telling him I've been snooping?

PS we have talked about the lack of sex until the cows come home and it was always the same excuses 'I'm tired', 'I'm stressed', 'Now there's too much pressure on me' etc etc. And from what I can see the porn isn't anything special or fetishistic. Pretty bog-standard.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Question is how do I bring it up without telling him I've been snooping?

You don't.

Do things the right way and be honest. Apologize, but fucking be honest. And ask him to be honest as well, that it's really important to you and you need him to be truthful with you.

[MikeW]

Ok, I'm confused. In your OP you say it has been 6 months since you've had sex and in your second post you say two years. Which is it? How long have you been together? What is your relationship like outside of the bedroom?

In answer to your OP, if he's searching for cruising areas where he's traveling then chances are, yeah, he's been getting it 'on the side'. Not very likely he'd be 'playing a mind game' by leaving this in his browser history just for your to find unless you have a *history* of looking at it.

I'm more interested in why anyone would stay in a relationship that was sexless and why you 'talk about it till the cows come home' but, apparently, that doesn't get anywhere. Yes, you need to confront him but, you know, in my long experience of observing and participating in situations like this, the truth is it takes two to tango. (I say, "It takes two to tangle.") That is, it is seldom all one person's problem in a relationship. It's a dynamic and to resolve the issue, that's what you have to pin-point and work on.

[Doofus89]

Just based on your OP alone, I would say the grounds for suspicion and I would bring it up the next chance I got. If I didn't like his answer I would just leave, but that's just me. And you say it's been two years since you've had sex? That's far too long to be anything short of "extra-curricular" activities. In all honesty, to me, the signs point to him being unfaithful. Just keep your guard up and be strong. You're bigger than this.

[AdamAndWill]

You don't.

Do things the right way and be honest. Apologize, but fucking be honest. And ask him to be honest as well, that it's really important to you and you need him to be truthful with you.

WILL: ^^^^ Exactly. Tell him straight out that your concern about the lack of communication between you two has led you to do something you ordinarily wouldn't - to look at his personal stuff. Apologize, but don't let him turn it around and make it be about what YOU did. Ask him to be totally honest about his activities.

As for the sex, it sounds like the cows have been home for quite a while now. In your place, I think I would feel flat out rejected. I find that when I'm stressed and work is a bitch, etc. is when I need sexual contact with my BF the most. It's a comfort, a connection. It grounds me and makes me know that I'm not facing thins alone.

You sound like a really decent guy and you deserve better.