Wall of text; venting, wanting to die, teenaged angst bullshit.

[Anonymous]

I'm undecided about everything again. Ever since I realized my sexuality at a pretty early age and the response I knew people around me would have if they found out, the foundation for a really unhealthy personality type was set. I wanted to die really badly as a young teenager, but knew that it would never be an option given that it would scar people around me.

When you know that everyone around you would abandon you if they knew your true self, you instinctively learn to never rely on other people. I kept everything to myself, trying to become as apathetic as possible, never exposing my feelings. Several years later it's led to a situation where I don't have any opportunities for emotional release. My friends are so used to my secrecy that it really disturbs them whenever I try to reveal a bit more about myself so I just recoil.

A few years ago when I had low self-esteem all of this was especially destructive, but now I'm at a point where I'm really at ease with myself. Without wanting to seem arrogant (this is anonymous after all) I see myself as generally empathic, intelligent, reasonably fit and I often hear from other men that they find me handsome. I've learned not to be too humble as to excuse my strengths but also rational enough to simply come to peace with my flaws. You can say that I generally feel very good and in harmony with who I am mentally and physically.

I'm also really happy a lot of the time, but it's always so temporary. I get these periods where my death wish comes back only a lot more extreme each time. I have plenty of friends, high self-esteem, a rich social-life etc. but I still want to just die, because I still feel disconnected from the concept of a TRUE, deep and meaningful relationship. It just seems like the leap to actually reach out, truly, to another person is so... vast, almost unachievable. And nobody ever pleases me since my first, somewhat destructive relationship. I socialize frequently with other LGBT people my age but they all strike me as either too shallow or stupid to waste time on; too pretentious and eager to lift forth a completely artificial image of their hip selfs; sex-obsessed etc. I've spoken to hundreds of them and none of them have really pleased me. I feel as though they're not good enough for me; I feel bad for thinking so lowly of them all, I feel like I've never truly reached out to someone and I feel alone. I feel alone around my wonderful friends, alone at parties, alone and desperate even when doing really stimulating stuff like reading or writing.

I feel like my intelligence alienates me from a lot of other people; I feel like my not being intelligent enough alienates me from some people. My sexuality alienates me from plenty of people; my looks alienate me from people in the sense that to some it's not good enough and to others it reduces me to nothing but a sexual object which has been one of my biggest sources of angst lately; and most of all I just feel like my being an emotional cripple alienates me from everything meaningful in life.

My ex boyfriend did some really awful and unthoughtful things to me; yet, in hind-sight I realize how much my behaviour must have crushed his much more sensitive heart. In hindsight it's ambiguous whether he was that much of a cruel and manipulative person to begin with so I'm torn between the feeling of wanting to contact him, apologize for crushing him and see how he's doing, and the feeling of wanting to cause additional harm; by outing him to his homophobic family, something I'd NEVER do but the thought nonetheless eases my angst a little in some sadistic way when I think of the things he did to me.

Most of all I guess I'm ashamed because my suicidal feelings are really founded in my complete lack of faith in other people as well as, in the case of the few persons I actually like and value, my inability to ever reach something meaningful. This text is way too long, angsty and irrational, but I'm not really sure what to do. I'm at the point where I doubt this is ever going to go away. The plan at the moment is to simply endure these periods of absolute desperation and wait for more optimistic times to come. It's really soul-crushing because I remember very clearly how I developed these cynical, misanthropic feelings at such an early age, and they've just continued to grow and grow.

[ETOTE]

Well,

The way you feel is normal for a teenager, especially one who is in the closet to most about their sexuality and especially if you have people in your life like your family who are very anti-gay. Regardless of orientation, out status or gender, if you are suicidal, you need to contact a suicide hotline, support group and a therapist. Is this not possible where you live?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Much of what you say in your post sounds very close to my own experiences prior to finding Gideon.

That is to say, the lack of acceptance of family. The fierce independence. The withholding oneself from others on an emotional level while still socializing and maintaining friendships. The aesthetically driven draw others found to my appearance while disregarding me as anything more. The suicidal urges. Etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I know this -isn't- what you want to hear, but its time to step up and get help before this pattern begins to become a crutch that damages your future.

Find yourself a therapist. One you can click with and work with. Try therapy by itself first before you let anyone start trying to prescribe you meds. Sometimes, a good year or two of therapy can do wonders without meds. (In my case, I require meds, but that doesn't mean it would be for you.)

You need to learn coping skills, and a therapist will be able to help you with this. The suicidal thoughts are a crutch, an unhealthy coping method that will become more and more self-destructive as time goes on. Catch it now. Get yourself help NOW before it becomes worse.

[Humeinator2]

I am sorry you are in such a predicament
If I wasn't terrible with showing my emotions in the real world (I seem happy or sad all the time in public, just plain grouchy at home, I could be feeling "I want a hotdog" and I'd look and sound like "I want to kill someone" etc.
but If there may be a way for me to help, you can always ask :3 I am better at giving advice than taking it, or doing what I say (Even the best advice, like when my friend asked me about dating a guy I knew would abuse her, she listened, and then I basically go tin a relationship I told myself would only get me hurt emotionally X3)
fools sometimes give the best advice
and I bet I sound stupid or crazy, If I do, ingor or forgive me

[MikeW]

@ Humeinator2: You're heart's in the right place and that counts.

@OP… I'm confused… are you a teenager? You certainly don't write like one. Well, like most I've come across anyway.

In any case, I agree with others suggesting you talk with a therapist if at all possible. A GOOD ONE if you can find them where you are. I'm 100% certain I wouldn't be alive today, would not have had the very interesting life I've led, nor met all the amazing people I have, had I not found a good therapist. For me that journey didn't begin, though, until I was 23/24 years old. Before that time there was one "nervous breakdown," and one attempt to commit myself to a mental institution. The latter turned out to be one of my funny life stories. Macabre inmate details aside, the Psychiatrist on duty at that hour told me via telephone (they wouldn't see me in person): "If you're sane enough to know you need help, you're not crazy enough to be here." Definitely dogged a bullet on that one.

Anyway, FWI, you're not alone. I'm tempted to go off on a long philosophical side track but won't. Yes, we all experience our subjective singularity but I think the truth of the matter is way more complicated.

Suffice it to say if you're young AND intelligent AND hiding the fact you're gay from the people around you, you ARE going to feel alienated from life. I can attest to that first hand. Hell, I *know* I'm from a totally other planet.

Would it help to think of yourself as made up of PARTS. I find this a very useful way of thinking and speaking about it. I have a *part* of me that feels depressed, even suicidal at times. The thing is, this isn't the whole ME. I'm a lot of different things. I'm smart, intelligent, creative, insightful, occasionally witty (rare), have a very unique point of view on life, largely from having lived as long as I have and experienced the varieties of things I have.

So… I'm just suggesting your life *can be* more fun, more interesting, more exciting, more rewarding, than it is now. This isn't an "it gets better" rant. I'm saying it CAN if you let yourself out of your cage. As one mentor put it to me in 1968 or 69…."When you're ready to fight your way out of your boxwood world, contact this man…" that was followed by a name and an address. (You know, like we used to write letters on paper and mail them and stuff?)

Well, the day came and I wrote the letter and before long my life began to change. I can't say it was all wonderful, it wasn't. BUT, little by little I found people who actually *knew* something and weren't the shit for brains I'd grown up with. I mean, they were very nice people and all, except when they weren't, which was often, but many of them couldn't even imagine the world I was living in. Eventually I had to move all the way from the rural midwest to California where I began to find 'my tribe', 'my people'.

What I'm getting at here is that those of us who are wounded this way never fully recover. Perhaps I shouldn't say that, but such has been my experience. So, I'm just being honest. BUT, you don't have to live through and only identify with that ONE part of yourself. You've already named many of the other parts that you're aware of. (And I can guarantee you there are parts of yourself you haven't even met yet.) So, you know, it is kind of a shame to let one negative part that sometimes rears his ugly head take over the whole circus. Get what I mean? We're talking clowns, jugglers, trapeze artists, lion tamers… the whole three rings.

Don't hesitate to contact any one of us here either in the forum or privately if you're feeling the need for contact. K? Life ain't all bad, I assure you, although obviously at times it can be a total bitch. Its just, that isn't all there is, either. Personally, I've done things I never imagined I would do when I was 20yo.

[deepu69]

Your situation is painful but quite common. Many of us went through the same phase. I found solace when I came across some gay friends who shared the burden of being closeted. Friends with and without benefits of sexual exploits. Who always understood each other.

[Sensibility]

You seem very well spoken. Lose the apathetic attitude otherwise nothing will change. Feeling hurt is more useful than feeling nothing. Continue exploring ways to express what you feel. I think posting on this forum is one excellent way to do that. Incidentally, that's actually why I'm here.

Being too intelligent/unintelligent or too attractive/unattractive shouldn't even be an issue. If your intelligence or lack thereof alienates you from people, so be it. The same can be said for any other characteristic. It's a simple phrase we've all heard before: You can't please everyone.

I suggest pursuing your passions and continuing your education. Make it through the hard times, so you can become a success story for future teens writing their own "Walls of Angst".

[Anonymous]

Thanks for being so helpful guys. Yes I'm a teenager, and I'm not sure where people got the impression that I'm closeted and I'm not.

I'm not going to call a suicide hotline, because after all their goal is prevention and I'm not in any kind of danger zone. It's not an act I've ever really planned on doing (since I was little anyways) it's just something I periodically really WANT to do.

But no, I am not closeted and none of my friends really care about me being gay even if my family is pretty homophobic.

And oh, I know I can't please anyone. When I talked about my being too intelligent/not intelligent enough and all these other traits I wasn't really referring to my feeling bad. If someone finds me stupid, ugly, or just unpleasant in general it doesn't really bother me or affect my self-esteem very much. It just saddens me because I feel like the kind of people I connect with are unusual.

I'm also not one of those guys who fear being single, because I actually enjoy it for now, I just don't see myself changing it anytime soon. I'm attracted to men, and men who are attracted to other men make up, like what, less than 10% of the population? Out of that you have to remove the incompatible ones; those who live just for simple pleasures, those with no self-respect, esteem or ambition; those with no kindness etc. and find the ones who want to spend their lives as I do; those who love traveling, enjoy parties and simple pleasures as well as art, museums, taking an active interest in the world itself. I feel like my list of potential romantic partners is painfully slim, because I've never met anyone who even came close to matching it. There are so many traits I deem vital as the core foundation my relationship with another human being.

In any case, what sparked all this pain is a guy I've kind of been seeing. He came out a lot later than I did and he's a few years older. Really sweet, not exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship but very nice to be around. He's not all that interested in seeing me anymore, because when we were about to have sex in his apartment I revealed that I didn't want to be passive and neither did he. So I thought, if both of our wills are set in stone then we either just work around it sexually or refrain from doing anything like that at all. But he was really cold the whole evening, to which I reacted even colder. But we had been seeing each other for weeks: we had cooked together, talked about love, politics, and so many other things for hours on end and I couldn't really believe that he wants to end things for something so stupid and shallow.

I eventually asked him straight out what the hell he's doing. He just told me that he came out at a later stage in life than I did, and he really wants to have "fun"; basically looking for one-night-stands or like a, excuse my academic terms, fuckbuddy. And he planned on telling me that AFTER he had fucked me.

In any case, thanks again for the support. I guess the therapy suggestion is the best one, but I know that probably isn't going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Oh apaprently you can't edit anonymous messages, and I didn't really read that last one through before posting so I hope it's decipherable.

[Wade]

I hesitate to write anything because I feel there's little to contribute after MikeW's considerate response. But I'll give it a try.

Because you are, at a relatively young age, so intelligent and introspective, possessing a wisdom surpassing your peers (or at least so you assume. Not saying that it's not true; it most certainly may be. From the coherency and measuredness of your post I wouldn't find it difficult to believe), I would guess that you would find it difficult to comprehend that your perspective on life, i.e, that you will never have a meaningful emotional connection with another person, could ever change. You described your personal development as a downward slope descending into cynicism and misanthropy, and there it must stay. It must, of course, because you're at the peak of your development! (actually, I guess it'd be the "valley" of your development, but it doesn't have the same ring).

I wouldn't say that I understand how you feel because that would disingenuous, not to mention pandering. Your experience can only be your own. But what I can say by drawing from my own experience (granted, my well is neither as deep nor as rich as Mike's or others who contribute here) is that whatever rigidly held beliefs my teenage self had for my future, either personal or external, all turned out to be wrong.

My point is, though I'm having a difficult time trying to express it, is that you're not done becoming the person you will be. Like MikeW, I'm not making an "it gets better" assertion. I don't even know what the hell "it" is. "It" may very well remain the same. But YOU will change, and your perspective will change. You won't be able to help it. The feeling that you're doomed to alienation will likely dissipate as time goes on.

Oh, and one more thing...

Going forward in life, your capacity for empathy will be your strongest asset, and it should be guarded and treasured for the precious resource that it is. That sounds kind of cheesy, but I do mean it.

EDIT: Wrote this before seeing the latest post from OP, so some of it may be incongruous with the new revelations.