So my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex for the first time (we havent been together very long) and were talking when something he said upset me a little. He brought up this slightly graphic description of how he'd fuck other guys (ex's). Before this i was perfectly clear that I did not want to know any details about his past sexual history and i was upset when he brought this up. When i told him about it he accused me of being overly jealous about his past and that I had to accept that he is friends with two of his ex's (and implied that if i couldnt accept it maybe we shouldnt be together). My feeling of being upset stems from the fact that I am considerate and do not rub my sexual past in his face and yet he has done so and i apparently have to be ok with that; I am not overly jealous about his past. But now his telling me that i cant change the fact that he remains friends with his ex's, even though they dont talk much, makes me wonder whether he gives them too much importance than they deserve, particularly over me, his boyfriend. Some feedback on this is greatly appreciated.
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You are the one who is wrong, not him.
You are being immature thinking that not speaking of something means it does not exist or is not on each others minds.
In a relationship there should be honesty trust and openness to speak of anything without rages of emotion or judgments. You want him to stop discussing his ex's with you. You want him to stop being friends with his ex's. You re trying to change a man to MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS rather than accept him as he is. Very wrong.
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OK so..... I agree with mems on everything except one specific point.
If you've made it clear that it makes you feel uncomfortable for him to speak of his sexual exploits with others in the past, then he was out of line to graphically go into detail about those things with you. It actually makes me wonder if he was intentionally trying to trip your triggers or upset you.
Talking about exes is one thing. Graphically detailing shit you did with your exes sexually is another. Perhaps you need to make the difference clear to your BF.
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Agree with Twist.
No, I don't think you are wrong here. (That is I assume you are OK with his being friends with his ex(s))
There is a big difference between being friends and shoving in your face with videos or photos of how he had sex with his past partners.
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Just break up with him now and save yourself all the drama....
...ok, just being a jackass.
Agree with meme and twist.
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Crash, I totally feel for you. Relationships are about trust and it hurts when someone betrays the trust you've built up, especially during a delicate time like after sex. That said, it sounds like you're making a good effort to explain your feelings to your boyfriend - I think you should keep that up and see if you can salve things since you obviously want the relationship to last.
One thought I have is - do you think his original comment might have been a (misguided and awkward) attempt to turn you on? It may be that what came out as sounding selfish was meant to be generous, or maybe an expression of trust since he felt comfortable telling you about his sexual past. You're absolutely right, he shouldn't have gone there when you specifically said you didn't want him to, I'm just pointing out that his reaction may have been defensive even if it came across as offensive.
It might be a good idea to decide for yourself exactly how much talk about his exes you're willing to put up with, and then have a talk with him and see if you can agree on it. It's always a good idea to avoid using the word "you" so it doesn't sound like you're blaming him - use the phrase "I feel..." so that that the conversation is about the effects of his words rather than about his possible shortcomings.
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You're being a little immature and insecure. Putting him on some pedestal pretending he doesn't have a past/baggage to make yourself feel more special isn't doing yourself any favors.
I assume that you love him unconditionally as is (if not, you should. Or if not, you should rethink your relationship). As is includes his past, and makes him whom he is that you fell for... not just the parts you want to like.
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When I was younger I was extremely insecure and threatened by most everything....I would have had the same reaction as you do....
Today...I would ask him to tell me about it because it sounds hot....
It was a long journey from point a to point b but one of my favorite mantras was "free your mind...the rest will follow"...and it has,....
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Just yesterday I had a talk with this guy that I'm seeing about our ex's (or actually,crushes and hook ups since we've never been in a relationship). I gotta admit I was feeling insecure when he described how he saw another guy as perfect. But then he added that now he met me,I felt better. I wasn't quite ready for that talk,it just came in with the flow,and I went along with it,and I got pass it.
Point is,you might not be ready to hear about it,but you must not deny his past,he will and should share it with you and you need to accept it as it is,the past,not the present,not the future. Although you did make it perfectly clear about not wanting to know about it,you shouldn't. The least you should have done was to tell him you're not ready to listen about it. Maybe someday,but not today. But completely refusing to hear about your partner's past? That's not the way it is.
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his past relationships and sexual history
