My BF Kissed someone else... ?

[Jake]

Exactly!

Mistakes happen? People are still using this excuse to justify things like this? I'm sorry, but in all my relationships, I never once did something like this and only one of my exes ever cheated on me. Are we just another species? I don't think so.

To me, this is a red flag of the kinds of things your BF will allow. There's no time to stop a kiss? If someone tried to kiss me, I'd push him away so fast. If it's so difficult, why has this never happened to me the hundreds of times men have flirted with me, tried to take me home, etc? Why have I never lost control of my body to the point where I couldn't push someone away? It's such a slippery slope to, "but I was drunk!" I've also never done questionable things while drunk.

So many men like to justify this kind of behaviour as if your dicks control your body and you have no say in it whatsoever. It really is NOT that hard to refrain from kissing/touching/having sex with people. It really isn't! How selfish are people that they just think of their own desire in the moment and not their relationship? Yeah, we all have hormones and that's not the issue - the issue is doing things that violate your partner's trust. If you don't feel like you can keep yourself from touching other men - if your dick is controlling you that much - then don't get into a relationship. It's very simple.

Yes, there's something wrong with that "friend" who suddenly decided to tell the OP about this incident. The fact that the BF didn't say anything about it is odd as well. I would have told my BF straight away. But of course, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't be going to clubs - at least not without him. Guys in clubs are mostly looking for hook ups. It's not the same as going to the movies, meeting friends for dinner, etc.

Twist's situation is a totally different topic because it was about desperation for money.

Some guys need to grow up and be mature MEN. That means you being in control, not your penis. How about putting RESPECT and CARING at the top of your priority list instead of physical gratification. If you are at a point where you are more interested in following your body's desires, then be single. There's no shame in that.

Can I ask how long was your longuest relationship Unease?

[Uneunsae]

6 years

I know some people are just stunned to find out that some of us actually don't mess around while we're in serious relationships.

[Buzzer]

Uneunsae spoke perfectly for my sentiment about the rationalizations involved for how or why this kind of thing "shouldn't be seen as any big deal." I question why the boyfriend wanted to go hang out at a club without the OP in the first place if this whole thing was so innocent. There's also the fact that the boyfriend chose not to reveal what happened, which doesn't reflect very well on him. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect a partner who purports to want to commit to a serious relationship to be held to a high degree of responsibility for the situations he puts himself in and then how he reacts to advances or approaches or flirtation from other people. If all of that is unreasonable, there's relatively little purpose in committed relationship forming at all.

That being said, I think an instant summary kick-out without discussion was also an overkill reaction. As Uneunsae said, this incident was a big red flag, not time to pull out the firing squad. One should not be too rigid about relationships with a "at the first sign of imperfection, this is over" approach.

[Jake]

And yet again... to all single men here, can I ask you if any of you had the full story coming from the OP... none of us had it. When I have to deal with similar issue I go to the most interested, my husband. The OP overeacted and that's the reaction we got from all members here it doesn't mean that we don't take our relationship seriously. This coming from a married guy who has been 9 years with the same person, I believe that even though I belittle the OP story it's because it is a little thing that none of us have full details. I wouldn't be happy if Alex would cheat and not tell me in time... but before throwing away almost 10 years of relationship I'd seriously question him and I'd make my own conclusion.

[Uneunsae]

Very few guys are saying, "We don't know your situation well enough." I'm seeing more justification for the BF in the situation without knowing all the details and a rallying behind his actions (as stated in the OP) as "just a mistake" and somehow okay.

I don't think that enough men have the balls to say that fooling around is NOT okay.

Yeah, we all agree that kicking him out without a discussion was probably an overreaction. Except that I know these things usually don't happen without warning signs. But I don't know the OP or his boyfriend. I wouldn't post about this on GS anyway - I'd be talking to my BF about it.

[Jake]

Very few guys are saying, "We don't know your situation well enough." I'm seeing more justification for the BF in the situation without knowing all the details and a rallying behind his actions (as stated in the OP) as "just a mistake" and somehow okay.

I don't think that enough men have the balls to say that fooling around is NOT okay.

Yeah, we all agree that kicking him out without a discussion was probably an overreaction. Except that I know these things usually don't happen without warning signs. But I don't know the OP or his boyfriend. I wouldn't post about this on GS anyway - I'd be talking to my BF about it.

We react to the story. Of course fooling around isn't okay... but was it fooling around? Who knows, perhaps when someone is looking for advice they should just bring their so-called love one here and have them give their side... I am so certain the reaction would be different. Do you guys know why I insisted of Alex to have his own account? Because we tell each other everything. And yes Alex is right, if he would write something as anonymous, it doesn't matter how much of information he would omit I'd know it's him. That my friend is when your relationship has reached such a level that one can even recognize his loved one no matter what.

I don't believe too many guys in GS have reached that level of trust and understanding, at least not yet and if so it's a very small number.

[Buzzer]

And yet again... to all single men here, can I ask you if any of you had the full story coming from the OP... none of us had it. When I have to deal with similar issue I go to the most interested, my husband. The OP overeacted and that's the reaction we got from all members here it doesn't mean that we don't take our relationship seriously. This coming from a married guy who has been 9 years with the same person, I believe that even though I belittle the OP story it's because it is a little thing that none of us have full details. I wouldn't be happy if Alex would cheat and not tell me in time... but before throwing away almost 10 years of relationship I'd seriously question him and I'd make my own conclusion.

It doesn't seem like there's very wide disagreement that the OP's reaction was extreme/an overreaction. However there is some difference here between the people who think it's an overreaction because it's too rigid of a response to something that possibly could and should have been worked out with discussion and people who seem to be implying it's an overreaction because what the OP's boyfriend did could just up and happen to anyone randomly or after they had a couple of drinks.

As far as I'm concerned the boyfriend PUT himself in a situation for something like this to happen, it did happen, he didn't stop it, and he also didn't come forward about it. It's fair to hold him accountable for that. I just don't think instantly kicking him out was the best response unless or until it appears to be a pattern of behavior rather than one instance of incredibly poor judgment.

This is not directed at you personally Alex... but sometimes in these advice threads I feel like people push the idea that partners should just trust unconditionally, even sometimes to the point of overlooking when someone's behavior is untrustworthy, such as with the boyfriend's dishonesty in this case. Trust is earned over time and over an established history of behavior and loyalty and consideration for each other. It should not simply be given out regardless of how a partner behaves. The way that someone settled for 5 or 10 or 15 years with a partner they trust looks at a situation isn't (and probably shouldn't be) the way that someone in a young relationship looks at things because the level of established trust between the two parties is in entirely different universes. Too much trust extended to people who have not earned it will, more often than not, result in hindsight situations of "oh... yeah.. I guess you shoulda seen that coming, you were kind of dumb in the situation, but still, that sucks..."

[meridannight]

Mistakes happen? People are still using this excuse to justify things like this? I'm sorry, but in all my relationships, I never once did something like this and only one of my exes ever cheated on me. Are we just another species? I don't think so.

To me, this is a red flag of the kinds of things your BF will allow. There's no time to stop a kiss? If someone tried to kiss me, I'd push him away so fast. If it's so difficult, why has this never happened to me the hundreds of times men have flirted with me, tried to take me home, etc? Why have I never lost control of my body to the point where I couldn't push someone away? It's such a slippery slope to, "but I was drunk!" I've also never done questionable things while drunk.

So many men like to justify this kind of behaviour as if your dicks control your body and you have no say in it whatsoever. It really is NOT that hard to refrain from kissing/touching/having sex with people. It really isn't! How selfish are people that they just think of their own desire in the moment and not their relationship? Yeah, we all have hormones and that's not the issue - the issue is doing things that violate your partner's trust. If you don't feel like you can keep yourself from touching other men - if your dick is controlling you that much - then don't get into a relationship. It's very simple.

Some guys need to grow up and be mature MEN. That means you being in control, not your penis. How about putting RESPECT and CARING at the top of your priority list instead of physical gratification. If you are at a point where you are more interested in following your body's desires, then be single.

part of being a mature adult is understanding what is a forgivable little flaw and what isn't. what it is not is inflicting punishment out of proportion with the ''crime''. maturity is also recognizing that people are different, that they have different strength to their natural impulses, and what applies to you does not necessarily apply to others.

it's not like this is a rare occurrence on the spectrum of human behavior. men DO think with their dick at times, it's a physiological reality. and this has nothing to do with not loving their partner, being selfish, or an immature person. it also doesn't mean that guy is unfit for a relationship. you say this gets used as an excuse, but it's not an excuse, it's a real behavior exhibited by human males throughout the ages. that men think with their dick sometimes is pretty much a given. and the ease of restraining themselves is different for different guys.

we are an animal species, governed by the physiological processes taking place in our bodies. it is not abstract concepts and morals that govern human behavior. it is the emotions that have the first and foremost influence over everything, even rational thinking. it is a highly complex neurological wiring in the brain, and not as simple as knowing what is a ''right'' or a ''wrong'' thing to do. to make it more clear, for some doing the ''wrong'' thing triggers a strong emotional reaction and it in turn inhibits behaviors that would result in the consequences of that ''wrong''. for others that ''wrong'' does not trigger a strong emotional reaction and there is no or there is only a minor inhibition to engage in acts producing applicable consequences. this is only part of the story, but is essentially why some people engage in more risky behavior than others. the fact that it is easy for you to push a guy away does not mean it is just as easy for another guy to do the same under similar circumstances. and demanding he have the same neurological wiring as you do is nonsensical.

the fact that you don't get this makes your whole approach juvenile and uneducated.

the point is to understand what you individually will tolerate and what you will not. it's fine if you don't want to accept such offenses. you have the right to live your life that way. but universal standards applying to everyone equally do not exist. and claiming they do is incorrect.

[Iceblink]

One thing we have to remember in these threads by someone with a relationship problem is that we are only seeing these from one side of the relationship. I believe the OP is overreacting with his "no mercy" view in this situation and I stand by this opinion because, despite only hearing one side of this, that view pertains to the OP himself based on the information HE provided and is the person that asked for advice. I tempered my remark about the boyfriend by saying nothing more than he made an error, because I am simply not comfortable getting too deep into criticism and the actions of someone else not here to tell us his side.

[meridannight]

And yet again... to all single men here, can I ask you if any of you had the full story coming from the OP...

how would it be possible to get the whole story without having seen the ''cheating'' taking place and knowing both the OP and his bf personally?

it is not possible. the OP himself does not have the whole story. he has a three-month old 3rd person account of the thing. and he came here essentially asking what the members' thoughts were on a situation where boyfriend kisses another man. i'd expect him to post all the relevant information pertaining to the case. and we can only give as accurate an opinion on the situation as accurate his description of the events is.

given all this, with the way he recounted the event, his was an obvious overreaction.