My BF Kissed someone else... ?

[Uneunsae]

I'm pretty sure that saying that people should control their sexual impulses in a monogamous relationship is not pretentious. It doesn't matter how easy or difficult it is for an individual to do the right thing - they should do it anyway. I'm not at all stating that anyone should live honestly just because I try to but because when you're in a relationship, there's another person there. He has his trust in you and his life is now affected by what you do. Yes, giving love and respect to your partner is the better option to the alternative. So it's not really pretentious to say so.

I'm not sure how you can deny the fact that men who ALREADY know they can't keep it in their pants shouldn't get into a monogamous relationship. Yes, it is my business because I date men. It's your business. It's everyone's business. It's most definitely his future partner's business (which could be you!). People need to be accountable for how they treat one another instead of giving cop-outs like, "Well I'm just not good at controlling sexual impulse." Then all the more reason for that guy to not venture into places like clubs or other sexually charged areas. And comparing a grocery store or an office to a club is so absurd. No, a sexual exchange is not LIKELY to happen at the grocery store. It could happen, but the chances are outrageously slim. It's VERY likely at a club. You know these things which makes YOUR argument pretentious. You are exaggerating the inability to say no when you are horny and in the company of an attractive man (while in monogamous relationship). This exaggeration is part of what makes something pretentious. And this difficulty of resisting sex is not more important than doing the right thing and resisting it.

I also agreed that the OP should not have thrown out his BF but rather talked about it. So I don't have a "zero tolerance" policy. The issue was about making excuses for betrayal and not owning up to taking personal responsibility for one's part in a monogamous relationship.

[Uneunsae]

The ability to control sexual desire DOES matter when it comes to a monogamous relationship. It matters less if you have an open relationship or some other arrangement. What I'm saying is that a man has to OWN his own physiology and ROLL WITH IT instead of making promises he can't keep and hurting others.

That's basically saying that everyone SHOULD live how they want.

[Jake]

Yeah I agree with that. But that's kind of a moot point if you have a partner who willfully withholds information from you for months at a time like the OP's, isn't it? There's nothing to discuss if you can't trust that your partner is going to tell you the truth if he thinks it might risk costing him anything.

There are even posts here saying 'the real issue is the friend who told you.' Really? I can't understand where that's coming from-- sure, some people "aren't real friends", some people thrive on drama or being the bearer of bad news. That's kind of a cosmological constant about human social reality, though. It's not the reason a good or solid relationship fails. It just seems like a way to try to say "oh, neither of you are at fault, kill the messenger instead." The OP's boyfriend put himself in a situation where something that could easily damage trust or their relationship could happen-- and then it did. And then he concealed it for months, but it came out later anyway. Then the OP overreacted and kicked his boyfriend out without any discussion. In this situation if anyone thinks the only real problem was that someone finally "told" the OP about it, it's almost a bit scary. It's hard to see that reasoning as anything other than "it isn't wrong, unless you get caught."

And again... these are just speculations over a non verified fact and what I see right now is people trying to argue about what constitute cheating... I have a very strict definition of cheating and I surely know you won't agree with it. As for the OP well I truly don't care, I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that, not even a second, he'll continue to be lied too because don't forget. What you say and do follows you... he kicked his boyfriend, this will go around and the next guy will be prepared for him and while his friend told him, the next guy will make sure not to get in contact with any of his friends when he'll be TRULY cheating at him. I don't believe the op loved his boyfriend that much. There was certainly another reason to be so expeditive, and if not well I'd say just like Unease, he doesn't deserve a relationship because he's in a fucking utopian world that everything is perfect... This is also very selfish if you ask me. My emotion, my decision, when people learned to balance their emotions and logic, things will be much better. BF is wrong, OP is wrong and the friend was an asshole. Plain and simple. Do you have any idea how many similar asshole tried all tactic in the world to have me and Alex break up? Some of their attempt was really creative, I have to admit, but they were dealing with two individuals that TRULY loved each other.

[Uneunsae]

Yes, I'm selfish for advocating that people should try and be more respectful towards their relationships. It's selfish to not be wrapped up in my own emotions and consider the welfare of my partner. It's selfish to turn down a night of hot sex(even if I could get away with it) because I care about my relationship. Yes, it's all about me!

According to opinions like yours, people either cheat on each other or are "in a utopia". You talk about balance, but you have none in your own point of view. Who said anything about ignoring emotions? How about handling them in a healthier manner?

OP deserves a relationship with someone who has the same feelings that he does. Why wouldn't he?

[Jake]

Yes, I'm selfish for advocating that people should try and be more respectful towards their relationships. It's selfish to not be wrapped up in my own emotions and consider the welfare of my partner. It's selfish to turn down a night of hot sex(even if I could get away with it) because I care about my relationship. Yes, it's all about me!

According to opinions like yours, people either cheat on each other or are "in a utopia". You talk about balance, but you have none in your own point of view. Who said anything about ignoring emotions? How about handling them in a healthier manner?

That wasn't directed at you or I would have named you directly. See it the way you like. As much I you brought great points, I'm very sorry to tell that you're getting way oversensitive over this. You drive your relationship the way you believe it's right for you. I couldn't care less because I do take this forum as is it intented to be... Entertainment! I talk about balance because if you don't see one in what I said I have one in my life.

Yes who said about ignoring emotions? You did, I didn't. Anyway, I'm done with this thread and this crap, enjoy. I found the right solution and relationship that worked for me and my husband, I am no longer going to respond to relationship thread, as it is quite often just whining over nothing. Feel free to spread your wisdom, I won't be commenting, I promise

[Uneunsae]

There was certainly another reason to be so expeditive, and if not well I'd say just like Unease, he doesn't deserve a relationship because he's in a fucking utopian world that everything is perfect... This is also very selfish if you ask me. My emotion, my decision, when people learned to balance...

Okay, you didn't direct anything at me personally?

I'm not sensitive about this at all. I really think that people should be happy. I think a lot of people just got very defensive when I said that people should make an effort to honor their commitments to each other. I do that, so I'm not worried.

Obviously you and your husband worked it out between you, and that's what matters.

[Jake]

Okay, you didn't direct anything at me personally?

I'm not sensitive about this at all. I really think that people should be happy. I think a lot of people just got very defensive when I said that people should make an effort to honor their commitments to each other. I do that, so I'm not worried.

Obviously you and your husband worked it out between you, and that's what matters.

Hmmm There was certainly another reason to be so expeditive, and if not well I'd say just like Unease, he doesn't deserve a relationship

English may not be my first language Unease but please do not twist around what I'm saying. With a full sentence, doesn't this makes it way different than what you initially thought. Only one thing make someone miss much out of a sentence like this and it's being on the defensive. First I do not really think that people disagree with you regarding faithfulness, you went and agree with another dude that to me was way over the line and you just kept on putting oil in the fire by almost insulting everyone else. Might you want to also pay attention to the way you formulate. I certainly know where you stand regarding cheating and giving second chance, well not every one is as explicit as you let it believe to be. And for many it works for them just fine.

But anyway I'm sick of that thread and all this bullshit, I don't have that issue, and I can't advice online people on such because I surely know that if the op is as expeditive, I will certainly never get along with someone like him. Also I have other shit more important to beat, that was my last take on this thread and Alex will keep himself away from it too.

[Uneunsae]

I've read the sentence several times and I obviously don't understand; I'm not intentionally trying to twist your words. I apologize for misunderstanding you.

[Alex]

Sorry Alex baby! I wrote a reply using your account, that's what happen when you don't log out from my Mac hahaha. It's in moderation

Hahahahaha look who's talking about not logging out from other people's computer. YOU dear husband, never log out from any computer or the best example all the servers at home, you never log out from them, you don't log out from the shower phone, you don't log out from my Ipad either, and worst you don't log out from my ass when we're done having sex LOL. Gotya Bitch Ass LOL. But you know what I still love you anyway LOL.

[meridannight]

However, if you were not arguing that men can't be held FULLY accountable for what they do with their bodies while in relationships, then I don't understand probably 80% of your post which went everywhere from "men DO think with their dicks sometimes, it's physiological fact" to "we are just animals."

well i quoted the post i was responding to. i hoped that would be enough of an indication that i was responding specifically to what was said there and not to the OP. and i added ''sometimes''. that is true. sometimes sexual desire gets the better of rational judgment. that was the whole thing. don't round up my meaning from ''sometimes'' to ''all the time''. if you say ''all the time'', of course it doesn't make sense that way. but keeping in mind that i was talking on this temporal condition, it holds. since i was presented with a point of view arguing for pretty much zero tolerance on cheating, i presented a counterpoint.

i've seen guys make mistakes and fuck up, and by Uneunsae's standards they would be thrown out and not given a second chance. and yet i've seen those guys work through it and make the relationship work, despite the mistakes, despite the standards. and work happily at that. so i do not agree that cheating is not to be tolerated at all. it's is highly individual in each case, if both want to make it work they can do it even when things appear to utterly fail. there is no universal formula that works for everyone. it is up to the involved parties, and them only, to decide what they will and will not live with. i don't buy these appeals to universal ideals.

and also, don't round up from ''animal species'' to ''animals''. there's a difference. and neither did i say we are ''just'' animal species. you read that into it on your own.