Lived together, raised a child together - should we separate now?

[Gideon]

You know, you might want to consider too what it's going to do to your little girl to have her whole life turned upside down when you make the break, yeah?

You said he can see her, visit her...but it sounds like your friend has played a VERY big part in the child's life and a bond has been formed. Probably a really strong one considering he was with her likely even more often than you.

So it's not just going to effect you and him to have him go away, but it's going to effect her too.

My birth mother gave me up at the hospital...my adopted parents split when I was a year and a half and I went to live with my dad and grandparents...at 3 I was taken away from my grandmother and forced to live with the step monster from hell....

As young as I was with all of those separations, it still had an effect on me growing up. Hell, I'm pretty sure I -still- deal with abandonment issues today. So keep that in mind, what she's going to go through in losing someone important to her...even if he's visiting, it's not the same thing. Not to a child.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course, she is attached to him, because he was there from her birth already, but what does that leave me? Spending our lives together just so he doesn't ever leave her, is not a solution either. I guess you cannot protect your child from all the losses in life.

[Virge]

Anonymous.......

Please re-read what I wrote above and see that the two of you men can work this out to be a win-win for yourselves and your daughter. He needs to be finding himself a long term relationship while you are doing the same. Make this a team venture and it can do nothing but improve the situation for all three of you. He will move out to live with a man and build a happy life. You will be able to form a home with a wife and mother to your daughter... and your daughter will gain an extra "gay uncle" in the process.

And for the record I wasn't offended by your concern about your daughter possibly being bullied for having two dads. That's a real concern to have. I hate that someone else tried to make an issue out of it. My man and I are hoping to become either foster or adoptive parents in 6 to 8 years and we are concerned about the same issue.

[Davis]

Oh just marry that dude! He's been a father for your daughter and a good life partner for you. You probably won't find anyone better.

[Camfer]

I think you just need to focus on finding that girlfriend you want now and not worry about the rest. It will work itself out.

[meridannight]

Virge pretty much summed it up on how you should handle this situation, and i think he was correct.

however, i'd like to point out something that strikes me as odd – you have been playing house with this guy for 2 years and it is now that you wake up to the fact that you need to find your own partners and that eventually you'll be living separate lives? what have you been thinking meanwhile then? didn't you realize this was the eventual outcome all along?

now things should be handled differently? but it was okay before now that you were like ''two dads'' for her?

i hope at least he has been getting some although you haven't. have you even asked him about his sexual life all this time he was living with you and helping you? you surely did know that helping you might negatively affect his sexual life, didn't you?

it's just odd. like you didn't think of all this before. you express worry over people thinking you're a gay couple. but didn't the same thing worry you back when he first moved in? or a year into it when you were already living together with a child? now that you can take care of your kid on your own, now is when you're worried you'll look gay?

and also, you say you think you two should live your own lives, and yet you think so far ahead into the future as to worry about what your daughter's classmates would think of her having two dads? if you're gonna be living lives with your own respective partners how is that anything to worry about in any way at all?

i just think it's weird that you worry about something like that...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

As for the two dads thing, your reply was simple 'We need to come up with an excuse for the missing mom' - No you don't.

You have the truth.

"Her mom wanted to abort her, I the biological father didn't - so I got full custody of her and my best pal, buddy of mine opted to be a surrogate parent and assist me with the best and hardest job in the world, raising another human being."



The other problem here is your position in the universe changed about, oh two years ago and whilst you may have some intellectual understanding of it, you don't get the full implications here. Thus you keep on saying:

but what does that leave me?

In as many different ways as you can.


Let me be blunt here, there is no YOU in your life. You gave up YOU when you demanded to take this infant and become a parent.

You only have one job and one purpose for the rest of your life, and that is to be Dad or Daddy (which ever she chooses to call you.)

What is best for the child?

One parent who seems to believe that kindergarten is a great solution for day care or magically better than a stay at home parent?

Or two parents who care and love this child and have mutually agreed to take on the great work of raising an infant to adulthood (and beyond)?


Tell you what, try the truth route with him.

However I want you to sit there and seriously assess what the real problem with the affection he has shown you to date.

Me thinks, just by how hard you are working to come up with excuses to end what is a very good situation here, is that he kissed you and you liked it, and are now confused about what that means.

I tried to explain to you about biology.

I told you that when two human beings start raising a child together, that tends to cause biology to kick in and cause things like love and affection between the parents.

Not sex, not lust, love and affection.

If it thrilled you in the slightest when he kissed you, its not a sign that you are turning gay, its most likely a sign that you love him as well.

And you know what, its perfectly ok to love another man, especially when he shows this sort of deep warm love of you and yours.

This is not about sex or sexuality.... its perfectly fine (actually wonderful) if you find love and affection for him. Its biology at work.

And seriously, when a person makes this deep of a commitment as to take on the responsibility of raising another man's child with him, that is a person worth loving.

[Anonymous]

I love my daughter and to some extent I love him as a person and I'll always be very grateful about everything he has done for us.

Why I started to think about separating only now? Because now life is much more better than it was when my child was born. He offered me help when I had really hard time and a lot of problems and I accepted it. I think everyone would accept help in my situation. If I had some relatives, probably I would have acted differently, but he's basically the closest friend that I have.

No, I never asked him if he had someone all this time, he didn't ask me too. I never ask my friends about their sexual life as I believe it's a personal thing.

By the way, about sending her to kindergarten - I knew all the time that she will go when she's old enough, no matter if I raise her alone or together with someone. In my opinion kindergarten is very good and necessary thing, children learn to socialize and communicate there.

And about his kissing me - maybe he had a moment of weakness, I don't know. Yes, he's important to me and he's very beautiful person.

Anyway, I'm going to talk to him soon. I need his opinion about this situation.

[Jake]

Let me give you an advice from a father's perspective... Not that any other people's advices aren't good. But for the sake of your daughter, make him an official uncle. My husband Alex, although my child calls him daddy is their official uncle. Now is gay are better parents as BA mentioned? NO, there's no such things as being a better parent based upon sexual preferences. Better parent is a continuous learning, although I have 5 children today, I am still learning how to be a parent and each and every child are different, and one adjusts to their personality. Your daughter is 2 years old, well at two years old, that the very beginning of her personality development.

As per your friend giving you affection, just understand that the experience you two have is quite special, but whenever he does those things to you; like massaging and other stuff like housewife small talk, just have a good talk with him and make sure everything is clear between you. For now you do not have a girlfriend and neither does he has a boyfriend and that little girl of yours needs a presence of loving parents... And at two years old, she doesn't give a rat's ass if her parents have both the same sex. Want her to have a woman's perspective, then bring a friend of yours, but will it make it better because she's a woman? NO perhaps when she'll grow up, this will be true, but from 2 to 6 years old it's total innocence in the child's world.

The issue you bring forward here is pretty much the very heterosexual vision that a daughter needs a mother's presence and that a boy needs a father presence. Children NEEDS loving parents, and this doesn't matter if mommy has balls.

I am a father of 5 children, two biological, 1 artificial insemination and two adopted, I'm gay, married to a dude, and although the mothers are 100% percent involved in the education of all the children (even those that aren't theirs) Alex and I, are 150% the authority for all our children and the very last words about them belongs to both of us.

Make your gay friend your daughter's official uncle, that's the best way you can thank him for helping you

[meridannight]

Why I started to think about separating only now? Because now life is much more better than it was when my child was born. He offered me help when I had really hard time and a lot of problems and I accepted it. I think everyone would accept help in my situation. If I had some relatives, probably I would have acted differently, but he's basically the closest friend that I have.

help is when your friend offers to babysit for a few hours a week. this goes WAY beyond that. i don't think dictionary has a word for what your friend did for you. ''selfless and unconditional love'' maybe begins to cover it. he probably saved your life.

i'm not saying you don't appreciate it, but waking to the possibility of people seeing you two as gay just now? come on, you weren't that blind before! and honestly, you come off as quite a jerk with that. so it was okay to look like a gay couple when things were bad and you couldn't take care of yourself? now when you're better your first concern is: ''i-don't-want-people-to-think-i'm-gay''. that's a bullshit fucking attitude.

if you've decided that that's what you want for your future -- a wife -- then make sure this is 100% what you want and talk to your friend and let him know where you stand. please don't string him along any further than you already have.