Lived together, raised a child together - should we separate now?

[Anonymous]

Ok guys, so I’m 28 years old man and I’ve pretty complicated situation in my life ( I'm straight). A few years ago I was dating a woman and our relationships became horrible when she got pregnant. She didn’t want this child, I did. She wanted to have an abortion and eventually I persuaded her to give the child to me, if she doesn’t want it. I thought that she would change her mind during her pregnancy, but she didn’t. After the birth she gave our daughter to me and left. I’ve never seen her since.

I was working, I had a job and it was hard to take full care of my daughter and a good friend of mine offered to help me, he's gay. I was surprised about how he knew how to care of a baby. So we kind of started to live all three together. I have to admit it was a wonderful time. I forgot about the mother of my daughter completely. We were so busy, we both spend countless sleepless nights cradling her, waiting for her to fall asleep. We were taking care of her when she was ill, we were feeding her, playing with her. We were like two dads for her. I wouldn’t have made it without him, he helped me a lot, also financially, he's also working but from home using his computer.

But I think that things should somehow be handled differently now. I’ve noticed that he has started to show some kind of different attraction to me. You know, like some kind of romantic attraction. When I come home from job in evening, he massages my shoulders and asks how my day was. Sometimes he kisses me on the cheek and caresses my hair. I’m not into men and he knows it. Maybe he has misunderstood something, because I hadn't had any women all this time, but that's because I didn't have any time, I was busy getting all the best for my child.

My daughter is 2 years old now and I can take care of her myself now, she's also old enough for a kindergarten. She’s very attached to my friend and he adores her. Of course, I'm not going to ask him to forget about her, he can visit her anytime. I’m very grateful for everything that he has done for us and I’ll never forget it. But people soon will think that me and him, that we're gay couple. Also when my daughter will be old enough for school, her classmates will laugh if she'll say she lives together with two dads. I don't want to put her through it. Although gays are allowed to marry in our country, homosexuality is quite frowned upon anyway. He'll want to have a partner sooner or later and probably so will I, as my daughter is a girl after all. She needs a mother, a woman to have an example from. I don't think two men could give it to her.

I don't know how to speak to him about it, how to tell him. He looks like he's happy with me and her and the worst thing would be if he would be in love with me. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to feel like I've used him. Now it looks like he would love to live like this forever, but I don't think that would be the best thing to do. What do you think?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Wellllllll......

I find it interesting.... this situation.

I was surprised about how he knew how to care of a baby.

Well gays make marginally better parents than straights.

And I suppose gay men make better mommy's than straight men because we are just hard wired for it.

Seems to me with so much science behind us, it should be clear to the heterosexuals that we are just plain better at being parental units - you all should just breed them, we will raise them - thank you very much....




So let me get a few points here clear:

I wouldn’t have made it without him, he helped me a lot, also financially, he's also working but from home using his computer.

So the daughter had a stay at home parent - and where were you for what 8+ hours a day? Or did you hire a nanny/baby-sitter?

Who does the cooking? Cleaning? Laundry - I bet it falls to his shoulders because you are a straight dude....

Treat your man like a woman and sure enough he will be your little lady - and not just when it comes to raising the child, keeping hearth and home all neat and tidy, but emotionally as well.

So yeah, you have been sending a message all along here...

Do you all sleep in the same bed? If not then you have been making it clear that your marriage is a sexless one.

And yeah, most likely he has fallen in love you - sorry but this is how biology for humans work - two human beings take on a marriage type situation and start raising children together the biology kicks in, strong attachment for the other parental unit happens.

Like it or not you are married to this fellow - maybe not legally, maybe not in a church, but biology has kicked in here and you two are 'married' in that you are both sharing interest in doing the whole survival of the species thing which is the sole and only purpose for humans.

Everything you do is geared toward survival of your genetic material.

Even when it comes to using a guy financially and as a support system to raise your offspring because you couldn't manage to find a woman to take on that chore.

And yep, sure enough if you try to dissolve this marriage at this point he will clearly see it as you have been using him.

And you have. Willfully and gleefully and have even admitted this situation is wonderful for you.


The only thing you can say to him is that you are feeling he may be a bit too close to you and gently remind him you are straight, and while you love him as a brother, a friend, as a supporting parental unit, you cannot love him as a lover and give him all of those things that a lover can give him.

Is any of that not true? Do you not care for him as a close (not necessarily kissing) relative?

As for deciding that you want to do the single parent thing, I strongly suggest you go on forums where single parents meet and talk and ask them what they think about the idea of willfully becoming the only parent to a child.

Many would most likely wish they had this guy in their life. Child rearing is hard, hard, super hard work.

Your daughter will be much better off with two daddies. Even if daddy and daddy are not lovers.

Especially if one of the daddy's stays at home to nurture and love the child and do all of those daytime things which you have missed out on.

[Virge]

The solution is pretty easy and pain free if you take charge and lead him into a discussion about the future and start making a plan about it TOGETHER.

You did a good job of explaining yourself with what you said above. Most of it you could use verbatim to talk to him. There's no reason to throw in the parts about him showing affection to you. I'll explain that last.

You and he both need to start dating in search of long term relationships. You don't need to say anything about your daughter needing a mother. That's the only thing you said that's wrong. Believe it or not all the recent "credible" testimony in US courts about same sex parents and their children indicates children with same sex parents grow up as well adjusted ---OR better adjusted than with parents of both sexes.

How to keep this dating phase from being tense and divisive??? Real simple! YOU take an interest in helping him find a mate and draw him into helping you do the same. Team work will keep the friendship going and even make it stronger. I think this is important for your daughter because she's no doubt become very fond of him and it's in no one's best interest to cut him out of the picture. Two-three or ten years down the road you'll be thankful to have him still in your daughter's life. All you have to do is initiate a calm and cheerful conversation with no interruptions about you helping him find someone and him helping you. You need to make it's very clear to him that his happiness is important to you as your daughter's happiness and your own.

I bet you can figure things out past that point.

As for explaining why not to bring up anything about his shows of affection for you....... I'm gay and have a a straight room mate, my best friend of nine years. Eight years and ten months ago he introduced me to the guy I'll be marrying this summer. He's had disastrous luck with relationships and moved 1500 miles to get out of a bad life, bad friends and bad habits. I give him physical expressions of my affection all the time but they don't mean I want him sexually. All they mean is I want him to know how much I care about him. He's finally dating a lady that *i've approved of* and I'm edging him out of my nest and waiting for him to get up the nerve to try out his wings and try taking things to the next level with this lady. I'm not pushing him out by any means!!!!!! I don't care if it takes another five years or five days. I'm doing my best every step of the way to assure him when or if he moves out NOTHING CHANGES between me and him. When /if he moves out I'm going to miss him like I've lost a brother ---- BUT ---- I'm not going to dwell on that. All I'm concerned about is his happiness and I'll help him every way I can to get it.

I intend to keep him as a friend for the rest of my life. Try thinking of your room mate the same way and he'll pick up on it and think more of you for it.

[Anonymous]

Where were I when he stayed at home? I was working. We are both working and putting our salaries together. He has the kind of job he can do from home, I have the kind of job I have to go to every day from morning till evening.

Cooking, laundry- I think we both do it. Maybe he did it a bit more when my child was an infant still and I was away, but we are quite equal on this one now.

No, we've never slept in the same bed.

You say that my daughter will be better with two daddies- and what if I meet a woman that I fall in love with? I'm a young man and I still want to find love in my life. What then, should we live all four together then? Then it'll be even worse for him to seperate.

[BlueStar]

Where were I when he stayed at home? I was working. We are both working and putting our salaries together. He has the kind of job he can do from home, I have the kind of job I have to go to every day from morning till evening.

Cooking, laundry- I think we both do it. Maybe he did it a bit more when my child was an infant still and I was away, but we are quite equal on this one now.

No, we've never slept in the same bed.

You say that my daughter will be better with two daddies- and what if I meet a woman that I fall in love with? I'm a young man and I still want to find love in my life. What then, should we live all four together then? Then it'll be even worse for him to seperate.

^^ Virge said you should help each other find long lasting relationships for the both of you. He made it pretty much clear that you need to have a deep discussion with your friend, plan together and eventually you'll find your soul mate as well as him. I, too, should correct what you said about your daughter growing up with 2 daddies (because honestly I was slightly offended when I read it). But none of us asked you to let it happen!! You're a straight man after all and it's absolutely your right to go seek a relationship with a woman, and that wouldn't be wrong at all.

[Cuddly]

The unwanted attention he has given you sparked a desire to change your lives drastically. That's understandable, I guess - although I find it hugely offensive that you think she'll be bullied for having two dads and that people will assume you're a gay couple, as if that would be a bad thing!

You should have a discussion about the future. You can completely avoid awkardness by making it about you. You need a girlfriend in your life, maybe even a mother for your daughter's. But how do "we" make that work? See where that leads, hear what he has to say.

[LJay]

Yes, you need to talk it out together. The worst thing that could happen wold be for each of you to try to deal with this alone.You are at the brink of making your own model of parenthood and relationship. The challenge is not presented to everyone and you have a fascinating opportunity.

[Anonymous]

I find it hugely offensive that you think she'll be bullied for having two dads

I'm really sorry if I offended someone but unfortunately that's exactly what would happen. Then we'd have to make up stories about a non-exiting mom.

I know that we should talk, but I don't know how. What should I tell him, how to start? With the usual "we need to talk?"

[Beaux]

My very first job out of highschool was working for a group home for handicapped children. Recently, one of the little girls I helped raise contacted me on facebook, Shantal (her name) has just started her own family and she said that after the birth of her little girl she realized what an important part I played in her life. She said that, though she never knew her biological mother, and since she was later adopted by a single father, that she would always consider me her "mother". I cannot tell you how proud that made me feel. .
Raising healthy, happy children isn't about having a parent of each gender present. Hell, it isn't even about having two parents even. It is about the child always having a parent present (really -Being There-), and that generally works best if there are two people doing the parenting, regardless of their genders.
I can honestly say, that as a gay man, I would never have thought it possible that someone calling me "Mother" would ever be something other than cringe-worthy, but now, having heard those words from her own mouth, I am quite proud to say that I am her "Mother". I wouldn't change it for the world!
~Beaux

[Cuddly]

I'm really sorry if I offended someone but unfortunately that's exactly what would happen. Then we'd have to make up stories about a non-exiting mom.

I know that we should talk, but I don't know how. What should I tell him, how to start? With the usual "we need to talk?"

Your daughter will probably be a goddess, fabulous and free of ever being bullied.

I don't really know how close you are, but I imagine you'd have to be relatively close. So all you gotta do is open up and say that you need more from your life and more = girlfriend/wife and you'd like to hear how he would like to move forward, from here, as you are not happy with the way things are. You appreciate him as kind-of-a-parent?? and are confused about what to do now and how to deal with this. It's almost as if you're breaking up, except you're not.