Lived together, raised a child together - should we separate now?

[Jake]

help is when your friend offers to babysit for a few hours a week. this goes WAY beyond that. i don't think dictionary has a word for what your friend did for you. ''selfless and unconditional love'' maybe begins to cover it. he probably saved your life.

i'm not saying you don't appreciate it, but waking to the possibility of people seeing you two as gay just now? come on, you weren't that blind before! and honestly, you come off as quite a jerk with that. so it was okay to look like a gay couple when things were bad and you couldn't take care of yourself? now when you're better your first concern is: ''i-don't-want-people-to-think-i'm-gay''. that's a bullshit fucking attitude.

if you've decided that that's what you want for your future -- a wife -- then make sure this is 100% what you want and talk to your friend and let him know where you stand. please don't string him along any further than you already have.

Unfortunately, I have to agree with Meridannight, why are you thinking about separation? Because he started rubbing your shoulder and you got scared because you liked it? Yeah gay dudes know every soft points of male, even if they're not professional masseur, if there's one thing we know better than a woman, it's GUY's anatomy, no woman will EVER get close to provide what a dude can do to a dude. I walked in your shoes before, as I said I have two biological children and they were WANTED so I dip my dick into a vagina, but the very day I had sex with my husband, I forgot everything about the vaginas because no women were ever being able to get me excited to the level he was able to do it. Yes, you come in saying you're straight and I do not doubt it, but yet you did know he was gay, you did know there was a risk for him to fall for you, and yet you let it happen, and furthermore you let him touch you. Sorry dude, but in my time of heterosexism, NO MEN could even get to 3 inches closer to my face, even though in secret I was banging dudes, in public no men could touch me or even hug me and that was same for my closest friend gay or not, they open their arm I present my hand for shaking. You didn't set the boundaries from the start and you let yourself go, and yes this has sent signal to him that you may have been interested. Just remember how it works with women, it's the same thing for gays. Send signals and you'll get a response. Now be a dear and either come out to your friend or get a woman just to find out later in life that you did love how he touched you LOL.

[Borg69]

help is when your friend offers to babysit for a few hours a week. this goes WAY beyond that. i don't think dictionary has a word for what your friend did for you. ''selfless and unconditional love'' maybe begins to cover it. he probably saved your life.

i'm not saying you don't appreciate it, but waking to the possibility of people seeing you two as gay just now? come on, you weren't that blind before! and honestly, you come off as quite a jerk with that. so it was okay to look like a gay couple when things were bad and you couldn't take care of yourself? now when you're better your first concern is: ''i-don't-want-people-to-think-i'm-gay''. that's a bullshit fucking attitude.

if you've decided that that's what you want for your future -- a wife -- then make sure this is 100% what you want and talk to your friend and let him know where you stand. please don't string him along any further than you already have.

I agree ^^^^

I think it's deplorable that you've used this guy to help you raise YOUR kid, allowed your kid and him to become bonded in a near parent/kid relationship, you got the back rubs, the baby sitting and taken all he could give, but now that you feel a little inconvenienced you want to throw him out?

[Anonymous]

I'm just thinking about the future. We cannot spend the rest of our lives living like this.

[Borg69]

Says whom??? There are no rules. Lots of families live multi-generational, siblings together, ex's, room mates, ... whatever. There's no reason why he can't stay on in your adopted family as "Uncle Bob" (or whatever). He's not stopping you from dating. YOU are. ... and IF you do start dating, don't continue to use him as a live in babysitter while you get on with your life continuing to take advantage of him. Trade off so he has nights off to go out and find a life as well if he chooses.

When you took custody of her, you also adopted HIM. Whatever your friend/family dynamics are, work it out. He's been there for you 100%. You owe him more than that.

[meridannight]

i do agree that Anonymous IS in a de facto family situation, even if it is not a family de jure. he's been living it for 2 years, with 2 people. that DOES make a family.

however, i do not think he should be advocated to stay involved in that against his will. on one side, i do agree with Borg69, there are no rules on what constitutes YOUR family. you can make your own rules, and a family does not have to be strictly formed through a sexual interaction. there is that. but he really shouldn't stay involved in it if he doesn't want it. imagine all the frustration and repressed resentment that could result from that.

i think he needs to figure out what he wants. he's said that he wants a wife, but he hasn't even started dating yet and he keeps wondering about future scenarios where he is still living together with his friend. maybe i am misreading it, but it would seem he's in fact questioning whether he should break off this thing with him or not. if it was a guy who had no questions on whether to break it off, his post would ask straight up how to approach the guy without hurting him. instead he is here explaining how he's worried that people will think they're gay. am i the only one who thinks that was an unnecessary explanation to throw in there? look, OP, if i misread it misread it, but that just seems really odd that you needed to explain it like that.

i mean, are you asking about how to let him go without hurting him -- it can't be done -- or are you asking about how NOT to look gay living with him?

on the former -- he looks like he's formed a bond with both you and your daughter. breaking that will hurt him. you've let him get this involved, this is what happens. sometimes people get hurt. no matter how you let him go there will be some hurt on his part.

on the latter -- if you are questioning whether to break it off or not, then that's natural. you have a good functioning thing going, a happy one it seems, but you feel that your sexuality does not allow for such an option. it is a difficult situation. if you feel you're straight, then yeah, you should pursue that (and it's only fair to him). but that doesn't really mean that you have to break this family up right here right now. you don't even have a girlfriend yet. i'd start making plans about moving someone once you're in a committed heterosexual relationship. and the thing about people seeing you two as gay --- NO, that is NOT any kind of reason to break up and destroy your family. you've been there for each other through an unimaginable scenario already, now you can't take a little gossip? fuck that. other people's opinions DO NOT play into your personal private life. period.

whatever you do, please figure yourself out and then talk it out with your friend. he deserves not to get this dumped on him cold. i'm sure he too is aware that your situation is a complicated one, and as such has its own issues. if you can't figure yourself out, ask him, explain it to him, like you've explained it to us. you know, he might just help you through another crisis in your life.

good luck.

[Iceblink]

You say that my daughter will be better with two daddies- and what if I meet a woman that I fall in love with? I'm a young man and I still want to find love in my life. What then, should we live all four together then? Then it'll be even worse for him to seperate.

You are now asking the kind of questions you should have asked yourself years ago when you entered into the arrangement. You did not hire a longterm babysitter to be there during the day or even a live-in nanny. His relationship with your daughter is something more close and intimate. I understand that a longterm babysitter or nanny can become very close to a child, but those people are paid and that pay not only provides money in exchange for their service, it defines their role in the raising of the child and who exactly is the parent. This man took on a parenting role and it was your choice to allow it and our choices come with consequences. Sorry to not address the issue of your post, but you have gotten some advice in this thread about that and it is an issue you really need to deal with in concern to him, but in deciding what to do you have to remember that you are not your number one concern in life, your daughter is, and this man has become a very important part of her life.

[Borg69]

^^^ He's also mixing apples and oranges. Why can't he have both? There's nothing stopping him from meeting a woman and falling in love, and there's no reason why they can't all live together.

Extended family is common. What if the future wife's mother/father is elderly and needs to live with you? The more people that surrounds that kid that loves it, the better off that kid is going to be.

[Iceblink]

One thing I forgot to say, that woman you talk about that you may someday meet and fall in love with, who is going to be there at home with your daughter when you are out developing that relationship? He will be there. It is difficult for single parents to find the time to date, but thanks to him you are in a situation that makes it much easier.

[Anonymous]

We talked a bit about this situation yesterday when little one was asleep. He actually started the conversation by saying that me and my child, that we're his family. Then I told him basically everything that I've already written here. He said that he sometimes thought that I might have such thoughts eventually. I also gently reminder him that I'm straight and that lately he's been showing me some attention that he shouldn't be showing. He apologized and promised it won't happen again, he also said that he's not into me romantically.

I also apologized that I've basically used him these few years, however he didn't let me say that, he said that no one forced him to help me, it was his own choice, so no one used anyone. We talked a lot about how we should handle this situation and he suggested that as long as either of us doesn't have some specific partner in mind, we shouldn't change anything. Basically, of course, for the child. I think he's probably right.

[meridannight]

We talked a lot about how we should handle this situation and he suggested that as long as either of us doesn't have some specific partner in mind, we shouldn't change anything. Basically, of course, for the child. I think he's probably right.

he is.

sounds like you handled it pretty decently. well done.