How jealous is too jealous?

[Edward]

I really don’t like making threads about my personal life but I need someone to talk with. Right now I’m dating a man, we’re not dating very long, just month and a half. He’s handsome and intelligent but I’ve noticed that he’s quite jealous. He really didn’t seem like it when we started dating. At first it wasn’t so obvious, later it started to happen more and more frequent. He’s calling me several times a day asking where I am and who I am together with. If I’m on the phone with him and he hears a male voice in the background, for example, if someone says something to me, I’m supposed to explain who is he and why is he with me. We don’t live together yet but I often stay overnight with him and he’s expecting for me to be home exactly when I have said I will be home. If for some reason I’m late, even if these are just five or ten minutes, he’s calling me, asking where I am and why am I not home already.
I tried to tell myself that he only does this because he cares about me but now I realize that I don’t like giving him answers for every my step. I wanted to know does he always does this in his relationships and since I know the name of his ex-boyfriend, I found him in Facebook and I wrote a message to him. He was a very nice guy and he told me that the reason they broke up was exactly my current partner’s jealousy. Eventually he even started slapping this guy because he believed he was having other lovers. This scared me, to be honest. Little jealousy is nice, it shows that the other person cares about you and worries about losing you but this is too extreme, in my opinion. I’m worried that he might start to control me physically like he did with this guy. I mean, if he did it once, why couldn’t he do it again? Most of the time he is good with me but I’m starting to think that maybe the wisest thing to do would be run away while I still can. So I’ve a question for you guys – have you ever had a boyfriend who was very jealous and how did you cope with it?

[meridannight]

sounds extreme to me. asking to explain male voices in the background is not a healthy behavior.

i haven't had a jealous partner though. neither am i the jealous type. can't give you advice on how to cope.

[Iceblink]

You need to be very wary here. In a relationship, we have to have at least a little bit of control in our expectations we have for our partner, there's just not a way around it. However, you're a month and half into a relationship, do not live together, and there seems to be a lot of control creeping in already and if he struck another parter he once had in life, that is not good. I do not want to get too specific and I often avoid these threads of couple scenarios since I am only reading one side, but when there has possibly been abuse, it is difficult to not say something. Tread very carefully in this relationship.

[Jake]

Jealousy isn't proof of love, it's a controlling behavior, be careful.

[Virge]

I have no direct experience with jealousy. I only know what I've seen it do to other people and what others have said about it. It never works out good when someone is jealous.

[Bluelight]

If it's obvious and it's interfering with your relationship, then it's too much. Everyone feels jealousy on some level, but there's no reason that people should have it in them to unjustly demand that other people cater to their jealousy.

[Bhp91126]

Edward, you have someone to talk to about this: Him. You have to tell him how uncomfortable this controlling makes you. Ask him why he needs to know all these details? Doesn't he trust you? How does he think it makes you feel?

After 6 weeks, have you decided to go exclusive? What do you expect from him, what does he expect from you?

You guys have a lot of talking to do.

[BlueStar]

Tread carefully with this relationship, as you have to dig deeper to find out the origins of his over-jealousy. By reading your details I can tell he's too possessive, and often it can be related to some psychological disorders. Try to discover them even if you doubt they exist, because if his present experience with you is becoming like the past one, then you must tread carefully. Your boyfriend will try to hide his obsession. I suggest you both have a serious discussion about his over-jealousy, then seek professional help.

And if you're still able to maintain your relationship, expect the worst. Yes I mean from emotional to physical abuse...

Best of luck.

[Pix]

The old patterns are repeating, and I expect they will continue to into physical abuse.

A friend of mine had this problem with more than one het guy and he never got over himself or insane jealousy/control freak nature. If anything changed it was to become worse. That is to say in all likelihood what you know now is about as good as it's ever going to get.

[Virge]

My first comment wasn't the best I could do. I get jealous of Jay sometimes. He gets jealous of me. The difference is we both realize that jealousy is our own insecurities playing tricks on us and letting our insecurities tell us what to do is completely outside the way he and I relate to each other. If he;s talking to someone and ignoring me and I feel jealous --- I don't interrupt and put myself into a conversation I'd probably be bored with anyway. I get away from the situation where my insecurities will go back in the box and shut up. When he gets jealous he does hilarious things only I will catch if I glance at him... like curl up at the end of a couch in a fetal position using his jacket for a security blanket. How can you not laugh a Fumb Ducker doing that? Once in awhile if I'm talking/being flirty with some guy and ignoring him he'll walk up just long enough to introduce himself to the guy I'm talking to and say something like,"if you want I'll let you know when I'm ready to get rid of him."

That way jealousy never becomes a problem. As long as the person who's feeling jealous acknowledges that the jealousy is their own problem and doesn't force it on the other person to deal with it works out fine... I think.

And here's the best song ever written about what jealousy does..... You only need listen to the first 2 minutes to catch the message.




I know a male stripper who does this .... with flames & magic kit pyro technics........ hahahahahaha!