Conflict with my boyfriend... Help

[Cuddly]

Excuse me for being ignorant, but I've never experienced real bigots. I was born and raised in the suburbs of suburbs and I had never seen a gay person before I myself "became" one. I'm probably known as "the gay guy", as I was pretty much "the only gay in the village". But all the same, I've never had any real hate thrown my way. I'm a very likeable guy, I guess <3

I too believe what LJay says. It's not important where you live, it's important how you live. Idiots are going to judge you for all the wrong reasons, no matter where you live. Luckily for you and all of us, the opinion of idiots who can't see past their upturned noses holds zero value.

[MikeW]

Was born in Indiana and lived there until I was nine. My entire family still considers it home. It is a salt-of-the-earth place. Know your neighbor, learn your ABCs, eat what the earth provides, care for those who have less, work hard, love basketball, have a real hometown, respect the farmer, take pride in your heritage. It is not New York City or Boston or LA. It has many very beautiful places, some of which are simply cornfields. Pork tenderloin sandwiches are an obsession and fall smells wonderful. No one knows what Hoosier means. If you are from Indiana, you don't need to. Some things are just good the way they are.

From living in Indiana, I learned that it is not important where you live. It is important how you live.

I grew up in Indiana, right on through high school and somewhat beyond (with occasional winters spent in Florida). The way you describe it is basically right on.

There is, however, a bit of a cultural difference between southern Indiana (where I'm from) and the northern part of the state. In general (this is a generalization after all) the southern part of the state -- say within 30 miles of the Ohio river -- tends to be *very* conservative. The middle part of the state is kind of a mix. The northern part is conservative, too, but not to the same extent as the almost totally red-neck southern end.

OP, none of us want to live somewhere they feel uncomfortable. Apparently your man friend is comfortable where he is. So, you don't want to live there. Fine. But expecting him to pull up roots for you is probably unrealistic, especially if he's lived there for a long time. It is his home. That's probably where his friends and family are. Whatever the full story is, you have every right to live where ever you want to but so does everyone else.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To be horribly blunt about this.

He is 63, and most likely will not be around in 2 decades. You know old age and death is pretty common for the human species. Sorry to be be blunt about the matter.

You, however will be 40 in two decades. Still young enough to pull up stakes and move about and do all sorts of things.

And that is assuming you two manage to make the relationship work. Chances are rather high that after about 5 years you two will part company because you can't agree on how to hang the toilet paper roll.

Your take on the matter of being 'tied down' is going to happen if you enter into a long term live-in sort of relationship with anyone. So get comfortable with the idea that you will be tied down... and if you are lucky your partner will tie you down a lot in your relationship - bondage is soooo much fun.....

The problem with dating an older man is he is going to be set in his ways. He has lived how long where he is? 10 years 20 years 30 years?

Sorry no, AGE IS NOT JUST A NUMBER - there is a lot tied into age - a lot. Like willingness to give up a lifetime of familiarity.

His life is there, and unlike 20 something year olds, when you hit around age 40 such things as where your roots are starts to become a wee bit more important than being free to roam about the world. By 60 its nigh unto impossible to even consider pulling up stakes and relocating and starting all over again.

His life is there, relationships with people going back perhaps a lot further than you have lived. You cannot possibly comprehend a friendship of 20+ years. 20 years from now you will fully understand this - its an age thing because age is a real factor, not a number. Time is a teacher, a motivator, a thing that leads to experiences which no one can comprehend fully until they themselves have experienced that time.

He ain't going to move to suit you. If you have this silly notion that that is going to happen, well that is on you. So yeah, as far as he is concerned there is nothing to talk about.

And this staunch "I refuse to live in Indiana" seems remarkably similar to the young man who was all about praising and worshiping Arkansas and telling everyone that Arkansas is the only place in the world for him. How did that turn out BTW? (Rhetorical question)

Here's the problem with me living in Indiana- I have wanted to (or at least thought of) killing myself in the past because of the fact that I am basically a second class citizen in this society. I don't think I could live a healthy life in Indiana.

Ever live in Indiana? If not how can you leap to the conclusion they will treat you like a second class citizen?

You have already dismissed about 6.537 million people and have shuffled them off into the intolerant/anti-gay category without even giving them a chance. Stereotype much?

How about a little cup of reality to go with all of this?

49. Arkansas
33. Indiana

Source: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/20...tates.html

Indiana is more tolerant than Arkansas.

Shall I dig up all of your threads and posts about how tolerant and wonderful you THOUGHT Arkansas was? Clearly tolerance wasn't that big of a deal for you just last year. In fact if I recall you fought tooth and nail to keep that sort of delusion that Arkansas (the south) is more friendly than the North.

If you were wrong there, then what is to say you are wrong here? Or are you just going to stubbornly dig your heels in and maintain the delusion that folk in Indiana are all bad and crappy and are going to hate you and make you a second class citizen?

Frankly I find it a bit irksome that a 20 year old will cry about being a second class citizen when the generations before you were treated far worse and have done a lot to improve the nation for you.

Things did not get better because us LGBT ran away. We stood our ground and made it clear that we ain't going budge and that we demand our right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Sorry, we didn't get every detail sorted and have left a few issues for you to stand up and fight for. Can't expect us to do everything. It is now time for your generation to take this load of my generation's back. Just as my generation hefted the heavy load of the generation before me, and them from the generation before them.

Trust me, each generation has carried a bit less, so you can be pretty much certain that the work set out for your generation is going to be a lot easier than mine, as it was a lot easier for my generation compared to the generation before me.




If you are going to be involved with an older man, then you need to learn to bend to his will and his needs. I assure you, if you do not resolve this conflict with this man, then the next old man you get involved with this same issue will crop up. (If not over location, then over some other similar age difference matter.)

Young saplings bend, and spring back. Old trees snap and break. You are the sapling, he is the old tree.


The question is not 'Do we do this in Indiana'.

The questions are 'Do I love him? Would I follow him to the ends of the earth?'

If either of those are 'no' then you ain't well suited for a relationship or to be lovers.

It is as simple as that.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm sanding your arse - not my intent at all.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

^^Well said BA^^

[Jared]

First of all, never even THINK about killing yourself! Just remember that there is always something to live for, even if it isn't within your sights yet. And don't break up with him just because he is too far away, there are plenty of long-distance relationships that work just fine. If you really want to see him, then I'm sure you can find a way to work things out.

[Gideon]

I won't jump on the bandwagon and say that you're right or wrong here. If you've never lived in Indiana, you might hate it. Then again, if you've never lived in Indiana...you might love it. As a few have said already, how do you know until you try it on for size?

I can tell you that Indy hosts a pride week....festival, parade and other events to support the LBGT community.http://www.circlecityinpride.org/ AND they host some pretty awesome BDSM munches(get togethers) that I can personally vouch for. So it's not all corn fields and bigots, just another state, another town with people who are going to be both closed minded and open...depending on who you talk to at any given moment.

[Hardheaded1]

It is pretty basic to say it, but it really isn't going to be acceptable for your boyfriend to not discuss where to live. If you seriously believe he is a long-term partner for you, then you must discuss it. It won't resolve itself.

If both of you are afraid it may be a showstopper, then putting it off isn't helping anything. Discuss it. Being close means being able to talk about anything together. Do it.

If it is the ender of the relationship, then you both are bettered from getting out from under an illusion. If it's not as big a deal as you fear, or is workable, figure it out.

Worry is just worry. Stop worrying and DO something about it.

Best of luck to you on it.

Remember that college is almost defined as deferred gratification, so own that in your mind. You may be trying to jump the gun planning your life out before you're out there living it fully. Consider that. No need to pre-worry what doesn't exist yet. That asteroid may be headed for us all and preclude all our vain imaginings.

[AJ13]

I don't even know where to start. Let me first say that you shouldn't kill yourself :/ Please don't. But I can understand why you feel that way. Fortunately, the world is a big place with lots of tolerant cities and people - and although your bf may be tied down, you are not. You are free to go wherever you choose, and free to date whomever you choose. So if it comes down to it, although I know you don't want to end your relationship with him, surely a choice between staying with him (in IN) and living needs to end with the choice to live.

I have to be frank about your relationship. I'm not an "ageist" or anything; I'm 5 years older than my bf, but I don't think it's a wise thing to be dating someone with such a radical age difference as 43 years. There are just so many ways in which he is not going to understand you, probably. Additionally, you are at very different stages of your lives: he is near retirement age, has his roots down, and is on the cusp of old age, which means a lot of sitting around the fireplace and not too much fun stuff. You are just starting out as an adult, and you will probably want to move around much more, do more exciting stuff, and just generally live a different kind of life than he does.

I am not trying to criticize you for being in love with a 63 yo. Love is love and that's beautiful. But you have to temper with that with some realism about where you want to go in your life, and whether he is able and willing to make that trip with you. Honestly, I don't think he is.

Regardless of whether you decide to stay with him or not, please don't hurt yourself over this issue. Living in IN would make you miserable, from what it sounds like. So don't do it. I know you might say that not living with this person or not being you would make you miserable, and perhaps it would - but being sad over a breakup for several months even is better than being sad in a backward state for much longer than that.

You can still love this man and not be in a relationship with him. Sometimes it's just not a good fit because of things like that. Try talking to him about compromising somehow, and see if the realtionship is important enough for him to move with you elsewhere. but first, I suggest you reevaluate whether this relationship is a good fit for you in the first place.

[ShiftyNJ]

The fact that a state passes marriage equality (particularly if it is passed due to a circuit court ruling) does not magically change the attitudes of its citizens overnight.

To me a lot depends on where and how this guy lives. If it is in a decent-sized town/city, preferably with a university and a fairly educated population, you will be able to find people who are tolerant. If he lives in a tiny farming town that prides itself on "family values" it may be harder, but -- as pointed out by others -- you are not more than a few hours from a major city.