I looked and didn't like what I found

[meridannight]

When you are truly connected to another. .
You can sense deception. ..

He snooped around knowing something in his relationship was terribly wrong..but his partner convinced him otherwise!

Asking a liar and a cheat to be honest is about as pointless as titts on a fish...

did you read the same OP i did? first -- his boyfriend was honest about kissing another guy when the OP was out of the country. he confessed that on his own initiative and he felt bad about it.

then, the boyfriend hasn't convinced the OP of otherwise of anything. because the OP hasn't confronted him about the whole fake Grindr thing and deceiving him like that to see if he can get him to cheat or not. the OP hasn't told him about the trust issues he's having. his boyfriend might fully be in the dark about that.

calling someone a cheat and a liar when the guy has actually been truthful on his side of the relationship is ungrounded. the Grindr thing, that's subjective. the OP tricked him and he can make of his boyfriend's responses what he will. but he is responsible for creating that situation in the first place, and not having the basic common sense of actually talking to the guy he's in a relationship with. it's obvious he doesn't trust him. and he doesn't even respect him enough to tell him the truth. he's the liar in this relationship.

you guys are assuming the OP is all innocent and blameless in this. what do you know about him to assume that? it's obvious their relationship has some problems, who's to say it isn't some behavior/issues of the OP that's precipitated their problems? i don't know. but i do see a guy (the OP) who easily engages in lying and deceiving his partner, grounded or ungrounded, and that is not a healthy behavior either. and i can't imagine their relationship having a longer lifespan if they continue like this.

sometimes, you can tell deception when it's going on. however, you can also imagine deception where there's none out of your own insecurities, inexperience, and fear. and everything in between. the truth starts on both sides.

[Anocxu]

^^^
Yeah...
But that's what the boyfriend is telling him...

Let's be honest here...

The boyfriend has Grindr installed...
The only deceptive conversation he knows about ..was the one he forged.
Isn't it fair to assume there have been other conversations with other guys where a potential hookup is in the works?

"Honey I made out with a guy"
"And dear.. I have Grindr installed AND..have been soliciting sex from other men"
^^^^
If his boyfriend didn't tell him ALL of that..
Deception. <----

You guys are caught up with the opening posters snooping and baiting...
Whatever! !

Here is my closing argument. ..
Keep the bullshit out of your relationship! !!!

If you are going to set the record straight. .
It should be the whole truth and nothing but.

This gentleman was being deceived. .and he acted irrationally.... (this happens)

My focus here is the shifty boyfriend..

.. kinda like one person taking another's wallet...getting shot in the face...and the popular response ... "He didn't deserve to get shot in the face"

"Why not the leg... or hand"
^^^
Ahh... really??

Bullshit is "magically toxic"
Its amazing how a little bit can grow into a giant messy pile.

[Borg69]

Lets look AGAIN at the offenses of the BF, without so much clutter and a little more clearly... While you all are defending the BF, all I see is a GUILTY verdict.

Fast forward to the recent past where I noticed he had a grindr on his phone

recently while I was abroad he told me about a time where he kissed another guy while he was drunk.

I made a fake grindr using a picture of a very pretty guy and activated it in my area.

I looked for my boyfriend and to my dismay I saw a picture of his body that looked just like him.

I engaged him on grinder (as this fictional guy) and he told me enough information about himself that I was sure it was my boyfriend.

After we talked for a while he said that he would trade nude photos with me after he got to know me better and even mentioned that he would be down to hook-up.

Later on in our conversation he even said that he wanted to go on a date although he said he wasn't actually looking for a relationship.

He wouldn't respond to my question about whether or not he was dating someone.

5 Oinks and you're OUT !!!

[Alex]

i have to say i am not one of those guys. i do not consider anything done on the internet as cheating, unless it's someone he knows in real life and has met with in real life. things like having Grindr accounts, chatting with anonymous guys on dating sites, even exchanging nude pictures...i don't see any of that as cheating or something to worry about.

You and my husband Jake pretty much have the very same stands on cheating and the Internet, both of us are allowed to check guys on the Internet, chat with them too, but as long there's no meeting or hookups that I'm not aware of or that Jake isn't aware of we're fine and that's where our couple has set the limits.

I have no idea what's Grindr and now I do because I've read so much of people's disaprovement over that apps that I will never install that on my phone or iPad, anyway that would be stupid in our case because Jake and I are a real sharing couple, I wear his underwear, uses his Skype, uses his cell phone, listen to its voicemail messages, read his email, and I also have the login to all his forums account. We have a shared bank account When a couple has reached this level of trust, you can call it a relationship.

I highly disagree with what the Op did, spying on your boyfriend instead of just confront him straight up is a coward behavior. This behavior proves that in a critical situation, the Op is unable to stop, take a breather and go to the source of information. He preferred going for a revenge and obviously he believed he found his boyfriend's legs. Just so you know Op, while you claim to know your boyfriend so much, how come you didn't see that somehow his interest toward you started fading away. There are several signs that he could have thrown your way.

Anyway, I don't want to extend too much on this because, I don't want to piss off too many people, but Op you do not trust your boyfriend and your boyfriend plays in your back or has plan on doing so, I hope you know what's coming next.

[Anocxu]

Love that post Alex

If I didn't have a tilted uterus. ..

[Anocxu]

You and Jake would be my Baby's Daddys...

[meridannight]

"And dear.. I have Grindr installed AND..have been soliciting sex from other men"
^^^^
If his boyfriend didn't tell him ALL of that..
Deception. <----

probably pointless to argue but i'm gonna do it anyway.

how do you know the bf was hiding (i.e. deceiving) the fact that he had Grindr installed?

because:

Fast forward to the recent past where I noticed he had a grindr on his phone

did the OP snoop around in his phone and find it? was the bf using it out in the open and not even trying to hide it? use of ''noticed'' would allow us to think that it happened under regular everyday circumstances. not necessarily through secrecy and hiding. the OP didn't say he ''secretly went through his phone and saw grindr installed''. ergo, it doesn't appear the bf was all that worried that he'd find it... so why all the accusations of deception thrown in his way?

also:

but I didn't press him about it because we are very trusting and tell each other everything.

hmmm...and yet the next thing he does in his very trusting relationship:

Then one day curiosity got the best of me. I made a fake grindr using a picture of a very pretty guy and activated it in my area.

and:

I looked for my boyfriend and to my dismay I saw a picture of his body that looked just like him.

to his dismay!!? really? he saw grindr on his phone BEFORE making that fake account and then he was dismayed to see his bf actually have a profile there? really? looks like someone had been engaging in a bit of self-deception in addition to outright deception of his partner.

Then after we talked for a while he said that he would trade nude photos with me after he got to know me better

trading nude photos is not cheating or lying. but i'll indulge the idea, in which case i have these questions: has the OP informed his partner what he considers cheating and what he doesn't? has he set his boundaries in this relationship? is his bf aware what will HURT him and what will not? or has he been sitting around on his ass just assuming his partner can read his mind on what his position on this matter is? if that guy was in a relationship with me i wouldn't bat an eye at the exchange of nudie pics. i'd probably join him in looking at them.

and even mentioned that he would be down to hook-up. Later on in our conversation he even said that he wanted to go on a date although he said he wasn't actually looking for a relationship

this one i actually agree with the opposition (lol) is a red flag. and if he actually goes and meets up with some other guy, that is a step towards cheating, and guys arguing against the bf do have a point there. but the means through which this red flag was obtained....makes the OP just as dirty and low.

i'm not arguing the bf is all innocent either. i don't even know him. but from the original post on this thread i see way more deception from the OP's side than the boyfriend's.

yeah, i just did a breakdown on the whole thing from subjective 3rd person POV. i can be a nerd sometimes.

[Buzzer]

stop playing under cover cops. he may have talked some stuff with another guy on the internet (and so far that is all you know he has done -- talk on the internet).

I agree with advising people asking for advice not to be deceptive or habitually distrustful. I don't agree, though, that talking to people/friends on the internet and talking to guys on grindr are at all the same thing.

I'm yet to hear a purportedly innocent reason someone in a relationship would maintain an account there. So far as I know it's only used for one thing.

[Buzzer]

You guys are caught up with the opening posters snooping and baiting...
Whatever! !

I agree. I don't cosign on the idea around here that if you found out your partner was cheating or looking to cheat through any method other than "he himself told you", you are just as much in the wrong as he is. Even threads where friends come back and tell the OP that his boyfriend was out hitting on other guys or whatever, the thread turns into blaming the friend and attacking his motives.

[Anocxu]

So 20,000 words later..
The op still has a shifty cheating boyfriend. ..

Has that changed?
Is that the part of the opening post that is truly heartbreaking?

Yes YES and YeS!!!