I looked and didn't like what I found

[tingviet]

Hello all,

This is a bit of a complex story and it has me really troubled. I'm in an over a year-long monogamous relationship with my boyfriend. Things have been going really well but recently while I was abroad he told me about a time where he kissed another guy while he was drunk. He was very distraught about this and because he told me the truth I forgave him. It wasn't really that big of a deal but it did sow the seeds of doubt in the back of my mind.

Fast forward to the recent past where I noticed he had a grindr on his phone but I didn't press him about it because we are very trusting and tell each other everything. Then one day curiosity got the best of me. I made a fake grindr using a picture of a very pretty guy and activated it in my area. I looked for my boyfriend and to my dismay I saw a picture of his body that looked just like him. I engaged him on grinder (as this fictional guy) and he told me enough information about himself that I was sure it was my boyfriend. (his physical appearance and major at our college gave it away directly) Then after we talked for a while he said that he would trade nude photos with me after he got to know me better and even mentioned that he would be down to hook-up. Later on in our conversation he even said that he wanted to go on a date although he said he wasn't actually looking for a relationship. He wouldn't respond to my question about whether or not he was dating someone.

Reading that message absolutely killed me and i deleted the grindr shortly thereafter. I feel bad that I somewhat coaxed my boyfriend into saying these things but does this mean that he doesn't love me? does it mean i'm not good or satisfying enough or is he just being a guy?

Please give me all your advice, im in desperate need.

[skWolf]

Not that what you did on grindr to catfish him was okay, but it is quite clear you have your answer. He is looking for something, at the very least on the side to satisfy some sort of desire (sexual most likely), but that is not even the least of it.

The second point is that he isn't being truthful to you, is this the type of guy you want to have a relationship with? At the end of the day, it is your choice.

Sorry if I am being harsh, but that is just the way I see it, he obviously "cares" about you, but he doesn't seem satisfied, you should talk to him about it, whether you two are in a good place in the relationship, what he feels about it, etc. and see if these actions is due to fulfilling a need that you can't fulfill simply because you aren't aware of it, or something else.

[Virge]

So you looked and didn't like what you found?
Here! Try this!



All fun aside...... now we can talk serious

[SIZE="5"]I'm not sure what advice to give you on this. Everything I have to say is all things you probably don't want to hear.

It's pretty unanimous with us here in Gayspeak that a relationship where either or both of the guys are still in Grindr or other hookup apps isn't really a relationship.

Apps like Grindr are full of game players and you got in Grindr to play a game and got burned pretty bad. Now what you do about it is a no win situation. You're either going to have to confront your guy about it --- or not confront him. Either way it's going to change the relationship you are trying to have with each other. Maybe you can make things better --maybe not.

The bottom line is you've learned the hard way that Grindr and relationships don't mix.

good luck



[/SIZE]

[Gideon]

My first question would be...you do realize that what you did was deceptive and underhanded trying to trap him like that, yeah?

How would you feel if he'd done that to you?

My next question, are you absolutely -certain- without a shadow of a doubt that this guy was him? I mean you would know your boyfriend's body better than anyone, but are you -sure-? Are you sure enough to confront him?

If it's him, and he's trying to hook up, then sounds like you have an issue on your hands, but you're going to have to fess up to the wrong that -you- did before you can confront him on what he's doing, or trying to do.

I'd have to do both...fess up and confront him, personally, but then I can't keep secrets from Twist, I won't.

[East]

It will be hard to approach his alleged deception now since you have practiced your own deception....

You want to know what it means? I think it means you need to go your separate ways.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

You looked, and you found what you were looking for.

Nothing any of us on here say can make that go away.

if I was you, I would start asking him questions about your future together, and whether you have one.

[meridannight]

I made a fake grindr using a picture of a very pretty guy and activated it in my area. I looked for my boyfriend and to my dismay I saw a picture of his body that looked just like him. I engaged him on grinder (as this fictional guy) and he told me enough information about himself that I was sure it was my boyfriend. (his physical appearance and major at our college gave it away directly) Then after we talked for a while he said that he would trade nude photos with me after he got to know me better and even mentioned that he would be down to hook-up. Later on in our conversation he even said that he wanted to go on a date although he said he wasn't actually looking for a relationship. He wouldn't respond to my question about whether or not he was dating someone.

Please give me all your advice, im in desperate need.

stop playing under cover cops. he may have talked some stuff with another guy on the internet (and so far that is all you know he has done -- talk on the internet) but you didn't trust him to the point where you created a fake identity to spy on him behind his back. you are being worse. if you have issues with him and don't feel like you trust him talk things through with him, open and upfront. i can't stand this childish behavior. it's the mentality of a 14-year-old to play games like that. grow up.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If you seek the devil, sure enough you will find him.

The problem is that your 'evidence' is based on assumptions, and being this close to the situation you will assume that a guy who seems like your BF is your BF.

There appears to be some room here for doubt from what you said that the guy you talked too on grindr is your BF.

Unless there is a face shot, your going to have a decent room for doubt.

Trust me a lot of bodies look very much the same... without faces. (Don't ask how I know that :eek

Because of experiences I would put the question directly to him. I made the mistake of not asking questions in my last relationship for about 12 years. Big mistake.

You need to ask him point blank why he has a hook-up app. Grind'r is for hook-ups - I know this and I have never used it. I know it because many a young man come here and tell their horror story surrounding Grind'r.

So if I know it, he knows it, you know it and there is grounds right there to ask questions about why he has it.

Sorry the whole "its a social media" excuse doesn't wash, there is twitter and face book to meet the social needs of the inter webs.

[meridannight]

It's pretty unanimous with us here in Gayspeak that a relationship where either or both of the guys are still in Grindr or other hookup apps isn't really a relationship.

i have to say i am not one of those guys. i do not consider anything done on the internet as cheating, unless it's someone he knows in real life and has met with in real life. things like having Grindr accounts, chatting with anonymous guys on dating sites, even exchanging nude pictures...i don't see any of that as cheating or something to worry about.

[Borg69]

i have to say i am not one of those guys. i do not consider anything done on the internet as cheating, unless it's someone he knows in real life and has met with in real life. things like having Grindr accounts, chatting with anonymous guys on dating sites, even exchanging nude pictures...i don't see any of that as cheating or something to worry about.

If it's with guys across the planet, not so much to worry about.

If it's with guys within walking distance of your home or a short drive? Then it becomes a bit more real.