snooped through phone and saw something I didn't like

[Walvis12]

Hi there,

Sorry for the long post.

I personally don't believe in going through a partner's phone and I would never go out of the way to do so. I think it promotes distrust and doesn't belong to a healthy relationship.

Last week the opportunity, however, presented itself. My boyfriend was expecting his friend to drop something off at home at his place, and he gave me his phone to await the "im outside the door" whatsapp message (he needed to have a quick shower).

While he was in the shower, I clicked on one other conversation and saw something I didn't like.

This is not about infidelity, but rather his motivation behind being with me.

The conversation I read was about me. To make things clear, I have a European passport and work for an airline (flight benefits). It went along the lines of: "He's taking me to Europe in September and all I have to pay is the visa. He's also going to buy me an iPhone for my birthday haha. I'm going to hang on forever. I don't need to worry about anything because he thinks the sun shines out of my ass and Im the boss anyway"

I was really hurt by it because there was no talk of how he actually FEELS about me. It was just absolutely materialistic.

I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I know telling him I read the conversation will ruin our relationship. There are no other signs of this at all, but his tone in that conversation was as though I didn't know him all. He is otherwise very loving and includes me in all aspects of his life. He isn't very open about his feelings, but I rather attribute that too him being a very quiet person.

I don't know if he's manipulating me or if i'm just paranoid. Should I just forget about it and never look at his phone again or tell him what I saw and potentially ruin the very good trust we have thus far built up. I'm very much an all or nothing kind of guy and probably think such a confrontation will end the relationship which otherwise seems fine.

Thank you! I wanted to hear another opinion. My friends are all giving me vastly differing advice.

[CellarDweller]

I don't know what other people would say to this.

He gave the phone to you willingly, but that didn't give you the right to search through it.

If it were me in your shoes, I would just tell him it's over, because I'd figure after what I saw, he didn't deserve a better explanation.

It's apparent that he's using you, and since you said you don't see any discussion about how he feels for you, he feels very little for you.

The only other explanation I could think of is the conversation is a trap, to see if you would search through the phone. That's a crappy thing to do to someone.

[Walvis12]

No i doubt it was a tap. We trust each other and he figured I suppose that I wouldn't (or if I did, that I wouldn't find anything - I know who his friends are).

Im really upset

But thanks for your advice.

[ETOTE]

First, welcome to GS.

probably think such a confrontation will end the relationship.

^if this is true and/or if what Celler said is true then you have a pretty flimsy, superficial relationship that isn't worth your time.

However, another possibility... it may be just the person he is talking to.
Maybe he is intimidated by that person because they are an asshole and feels the need to hide his true feelings about things to portray himself confident and secure to them.
Some insecure straight guys will do that when they around their buddies to not present themselves as weak or insecure and portray themselves as being the big, tough, macho man in the relationship and may say things that if their woman were to hear, would be hurtful.

In any case, does not sound promising.

[Iceblink]

It does look like he may be using you, but the only way to know for sure, however, is to ask him. You can't really do that without letting him know you snooped and that is the predicament snooping into private conversations puts you in. Now you know there is a good chance the possibility of being used exists, so at least you can be very alert to it to stop it before it goes too far.

[Walvis12]

Thank you!

That could be the case for him. He is very shy and a bit insecure, and certainly doesn't act in any way that indicates he is "the boss" or using me. He is actually very loving and seems to enjoy spending most of his free time with me in completely non superficial ways.

The thing about ending it is more a combination of me not wanting to waste my time with something that isn't worthwhile and that I don't think he will know how to react to it.

The relationship otherwise is wonderful and I don't want to jeopardise something that is actually perfect and miss out on a good thing due to my paranoia.

So I'm probably not going to say anything for now. I'm going to observe a bit more and then make a decision.

[Anocxu]

This is the problem..,
You do not know your partner.!!
The reason he does not tell you how he feels about you is probably because .. It is not of any importance to him to even consider what he feels.. but rather .. you provide ... and he takes..?
Am I off here?
Are you paying for most of his needs and living expenses?
..The message he sent sounded like he was taking you for a ride.

Users come in all shapes and sizes..The reason you reached for that phone was probably you know deep down something is not right...

This is your new perspective. ..
"My boyfriend is probably a user ". ..
Now look for the signs. .. if this is truly the case!..
Good luck.

[Walvis12]

I don't pay for anything of his. He is completely independent of me financially. That's what I meant by there not being any signs at all.

[OkayOkay]

Well, snooping aside...I think *sometimes* things like this happen for a reason. We find ourselves in certain situations, circumstances, etc. that allow us to find out/stumble upon things that may otherwise be unknown or unclear.

I don't think there is much room for misinterpreting what has been said. Your partner sounds as if he has been quite disingenuous to some degree in your relationship. He may very well love and care about you to a degree, but it doesn't sound as if he respects you very much or VALUE YOU much as his partner...so much as he enjoys what you can and will DO FOR HIM. This is very evident in the manner he spoke about you to his friend. Sounds like he's boasting about the idea that he has you wrapped around his finger.

I can understand you feeling some kind of way about it.

Honestly, I would sit down and have a conversation with him about it...letting him know that while it may not have been right for you to "snoop", what has been seen cannot be "unseen". He needs to know that you are now questioning his integrity as a partner. He may question yours, but you're not the one showing him disrespect in such a manner.

He feels he's your "trophy". Is that the case? Yes? Okay...no? Not good.

This is definitely not something to be swept under the rug. You need to address this immediately. Trust me...this will just continue to breed doubt, mistrust, and insecurity if you leave it as is.

[Iceblink]

I don't pay for anything of his. He is completely independent of me financially. That's what I meant by there not being any signs at all.

Well if that is the case, then this sounds like it could be a joke you've taken out of context, another problem with snooping into typed conversations, the context can be difficult to make out and you do not know the nature of their friendship. It could be in relation to other conversations they have had or it could be they just know each other so well there are things that can go unsaid but they know are a part of the conversation, but you would not when reading it.