I love my partner but our mental health issues are straining our relationship.

[reaper]

I read every post in this thread. Your story was moving and kind of sad. So many things you mentioned make it difficult to see a happy ending to this story. Your problems aside, it sounds like your partner has a rough road ahead.

He's more into women, has been with you for 8 faithful years, and remains in the closet. The way he describes himself, and the life he actually lives don't seem to be in harmony.

The weigh of all of this seems to have reached a point he can no longer carry. To be bi-polar can be challenging for anyone. A mind out of balance can be very destructive. For someone who sounds like he's living out of tune with his own reality, the situation would be even more damaging.

What we want isn't always what's best for us. I can't offer any solutions. The situation sounds so complex and I can't pretend to have the answers.

But you need to think long and hard about all this.

[SFGuy85]

First and foremost, IFwhat it takes to get him back in balance and his mood disorders under control is to go back into the closet and back to dating women... would you really rather choose to have him fucked up and with you than no longer with you but healthy?

This is something you really need to consider, because the fact is, if you love him, shouldn't you want him healthy and whole, whether he's with you or not?

If Jack living a perfectly healthy life depended on not being in our relationship then of course I would agree with you and do what is in the best interest of both him and me. However I don't think that is the case. Before we started dating he had a bit of a notorious reputation for recklessness and debauchery. A good amount of our social circle knew him before we even started seeing each other. I received quite a bit of praise from some of his closer friends about settling him down because they were concerned about him getting into trouble, be it legally or physically. They also said they had never seen him so happy. He wasn't happy just because he was in a relationship, because if that were true he wouldn't have had 5 failed relationships (all men) in as many years before we met. He ended most of them, because he wasn't feeling it. He's also made it very clear that he doesn't want to date women, he's just more sexually attracted to them. He hasn't had an ongoing relationship with a woman in 30 years and has never lived with one. If he tried going back into the closet, I can guarantee he would just be going to the bar and hooking up.

He wasn't the most responsible person when he had no one to go home to, which hey, the exact same applied to me and I've seen this apply to a lot of people including family members and friends. I know happily single people might not understand this, but there are people out there who live much better lives when in a meaningful relationship. Having a loved one helps provide some structure, it's not always just about mutual affection and commonalities. I don't think we have an unhealthy relationship, even if I have to admit it may be an uncertain one at this point. I certainly don't think we are toxic for each other, that is a rather cruel and narrow-minded way of viewing mental health issues or two people with them. Couples who fight constantly or relationships with one-sided abuse are toxic, not two people trying to overcome their issues and find happiness together.

I do not think living in the closet is ever healthy. It's potentially a major underlying issue in Jack's mental illness, and "going back into the closet" at this point would be encouraging his delusions and just continue keeping him unhealthy, especially since his family knows now. What would be the point of encouraging denial? He has the opportunity to live openly now and even his case worker and doctor have agreed that it would be the healthiest route for him to take, but it's still too early to be seen what he will do because he just started his bipolar medication yesterday. The best thing for him would be to accept and love himself (if he hasn't already). If he doesn't, I'll cross that bridge when we get there. I realize there's no guarantees, but his doctor told me that he's seen spousal blame and the love/hate switching in severe bipolar episodes enough to consider it common. He said when the medication starts to take hold it's more likely to go away completely than stick around, but only time will tell.

I honestly have no idea what Jack is thinking at this point. I talked to his doctor today who told me his thought issues are still very up and down. Jack changed all his visitations from his family and I to "by appointment only", and said no one else is allowed to see him. He's just scrambling for some control in his life right now, you surrender all that when you go into a hospital. I called him this afternoon and he said "come see me at 4" and then one minute later said he didn't want to see me today (after I told him his family was coming to see him). It is a bit obvious that in his unstable state he is still trying to segregate his family and myself, even though I've talked with them extensively and gotten their support.

I found most of the advice in this thread to be extremely helpful, including yours. I just wanted to point out that the hypothetical situation you proposed seems unlikely to someone like me who knows his behaviors and inclinations better than anyone. I know how important it is to take care of myself.