Need to vent and advice where anyone can help…..it's kinda long

[DaltoninAR]

Ok, So I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 4 years. Over the last year I feel our relationship has started to fall out, I don’t know if it’s just me or if I need to prepare to move on.

1. My partner works nights from 7pm to 6:30am 4 nights a week. Over the last year we have not gone to sleep together but maybe 4 times. We both recently took a week off work just to have a break. I asked and asked him to come to bed with me and he just said he could not sleep. I even will just settle for laying down with me and cuddling for a while before I go to sleep but nope he may come in the room for a total of 15min and just lay there. All of a sudden he will say he has to go do something so he can get up. So I have started taking the damn dog to bed with me! At least he will cuddle up next to me!

2. He has recently started playing video and computer games nearly all the time. He will play 5 to 6 hours a day if not more. I have tried to play games with him but he always get snappy at me if I don’t do something correctly. I no longer play games with him because it just leads to me getting pissed off by the way he talks to me. I have even tried to be in the same room with him while he is playing games and just have a simple conversation with him but all I get is: ok , huh, yeah, or my favorite what?. I go get movies from red box and we may start watching them but he can never sit through a whole one he will once again get up go to his computer and play a game. Hell he even will take his dinner and eat it in front of his computer. I have brought this to his attention several times and he always says he will get better at it or he is sorry. He may get better at it if for like a day but that is seriously all.

3. We don’t do anything together any more we always have to have one of his friends with us. He will tell me that he just likes (his friend) coming along and they were bored and had nothing else to do. I have demanded to be taken back home twice because I was under the impression we were going to the movies or where ever alone But then we suddenly go by his friend’s house and pick him up. (I don’t think he is cheating because I know his friend is not gay) I by no means keep him from his friends at all I tell him all the time to go hangout with them if I have to work or just feel like staying at home. Even with that being said I don’t mind his friends hanging out with us but I need some us time! He just can’t seem to get that.

4. We have not had sex in over a year!! I have tired but he just seems like is not interested or he is busy playing his stupid game! Heck the last time we did anything I got nothing out of it! He has told me that he isn't in the mood for “sexy time” as he calls it. we are both 27 and i know he can get off as i have saw his porn sites that he "never looks at"

5. I may get bashed for this but it can drive me absolutely nuts!! He will repeatedly tell me he loves me over and over and over like every 3 to 5 min if we are in the living room. If he is playing his game forget it. I used to love it when he said he loved me but he has seriously said it so much it has lost its excitement. If I don’t hear one of his I love yous he has started saying “ so you don’t love me anymore “ witch aggregates me more because I do love him but damn it to hell it just seems like it’s not meant to be

Our communication is not what it used to be and I don’t know how to fix it or if it can be fixed…I can try all day to talk to him about something that may be going on between us and all I get is I’m sorry I’m sorry I’ll do better but nothing ever changes!
I feel like it is even hard for us to have a conversation sometimes just over basic daily things. But he is more than able to get on his computer game and chat it up with whoever he is talking to.

I do love him but sometimes I think we would both be happier if we went our own ways.
That’s all for now I just had to get some of this out!! Any advice or thoughts are welcome

[deepu69]

Hi there..
It is natural for those who work in night shifts to exhibit a complete change in their social life. They tend to refrain from spending quality time with other people. At the same time, they bond well with people who work the same hours. The obsession with video games is also common. They do become quite touchy and ill-tempered. I know because I worked night shifts for almost 8 years.

It can be a real challenge for their dear one's to maintain a warm relationship. I would suggest you to find some common daily chore which will engage both of you. Eg. Cooking, gardening. Something that won't take more than an hour or two, but would become a routine. Let the sharing grow and the relationship will also grow.

Try and go on a vacation, where there are no friends or relatives to bother you, and rekindle the love, romance and sex life.

Best of luck.

[Rareboy]

You need to have this conversation with him and make it clear that something has to change. I suspect that it could be the end of your relationship though.

The night shift is a horrible strain on any relationship....I know because I saw it in action when I was a kid and my mother worked nights.

You also just need to plan out when you socialize with others and when it is just time for the two of you to be on your own. The idea that one of you would just surprise the other by stopping by to pick up another friend without discussing it beforehand is troubling.

My suspicion is that your partner is bored and you either have to meet halfway to find things to do together and to reconnect in bed or you are staring at years of frustration and unhappiness. At your age....that just doesn't seem the right plan.

[East]

I have to say I agree with Rareboy...your partner seems to have lost interest and the only thing I think that may help is to communicate exactly as you have here...or try some kind of couple's counseling.

It may be hard to face but I believe that every door that you shut opens new ones in front of you....

I hope it works out and you can come to a place where you are happy.

[palbert]

I will be the bad guy in the room. From my reading of the behavior you describe you can do all of the recommended stuff but in the end you will have returned to exactly where you are now. Sometimes it is just better to face all of the facts and call it quits. Your post really lacks any reason or justification to stay together, or any reason for someone to encourage you to do so.

Seriously consider moving on.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The formula of communication is to say:

Because you do ____________ I feel _____________. I suggest we do _____________ to fix it, and if we can't reach a compromise then I will do ___________________, in ____________ amount of time."

State the issue.
Tell him how it makes you feel.
Offer a reasonable solution.
Tell him the consequence.
Put a dead line on it.


For instance the game issue.

"Because you spend six hours a day with your games I feel rejected, unwanted, unloved. I suggest you set aside a couple hours of game time to spend with me to fix this. If we can't reach a compromise then I will start going out and meeting people to socialize with in two weeks time."

Print it up and tape it to the screen of his game system.

The hard part is keeping to the consequence. Even if you do not feel like going out and having fun, you have to go. I suggest dressing up nicely, and having him hear/see you primp a little. Then leave telling him you will be back later, and be vague about your whereabouts or how long 'later' is.

If he calls you while out. ignore the first call, let it go to voice mail. The second time pick it up and tell him you were busy or the place you were at was to loud to talk.

Go see a movie, go to a book club/store, shop whatever.

I assure you, your not being there, your dressing up and going out by yourself will cause him seriously troubles in his own mind and will drive the message home that you are a person who won't be around forever waiting for him.

If you got friends, then start spending more time with them.

Use the formula and plot solutions and consequences for each issue. Treat each as if its an isolated problem.

[MikeW]

What do you want? What does he want? Do the two wants match? << That's numeral uno.

What's going on here? Do we know? Does your partner know what is going on with him? Why (apparently, from your report) he'd rather live in a make-believe gaming world than the real world with you? I don' know (and I wonder if you know) how he really sees you, feels about you. If he were to come here and write his side of the story *about you* what would he say? Why does he prefer to avoid you, especially 'alone time' with you?

Is this relationship worth working on, salvaging? Is it worth exploring the inner workings of one's self, what makes us tick, perhaps discovering what we truly need from a partner -- and whether or not our current partner can meet that need?

[Jason74]

I say let him see this post and see his reaction, if he doesn't care and goes hmmp and moves on then you know that the emotions between you are dead and as for him saying that he Loves you all time I have realized that people toss that word around like its nothing that serious and if I were you I would move on and find someone else or just confront him and tell him exactly what you told us and go from his reaction, if his stupid video games are more important than you I would say toss his ass out of the door, yet that is just me. I have never been much of a gamer but think a relationship would be more important than video games. I wish you the best and I hope that it works out.

[Borg69]

It takes two to be in a relationship, and from your point of view posted here it sounds like he's not trying, and/or is only giving you JUST enough to keep you hanging on. Relationships take a LOT of work, compromises, and sacrifices. Often times once the newness and sex has worn off couples fall into this routine of taking each other for granted and drifting apart. I have no idea if what you have is salvageable, but I agree with Palbert in that you need to make a stand and stick to it - even if it means dissolving the relationship. Currently you're not a couple... you're room mates that pretty much are leading two separate lives.

[Camfer]

Here's an exercise for you. Write up another rant, this one from his perspective about you.

If you want to take it further, write another rant about what you like about him, and a 4th rant about what he likes about you.

Then figure out what needs changing.