Bullying

[Rareboy]

^ I think Spilovn may have been joking and if not...it isn't your problem...it is his. Most of us care more about a person than where they pitch their political tents.

But I do recognize that if you say you have been very depressed and that you will argue....it can drive supporters out of your camp.

Here's the thing. You don't need to win at housefights. Our cats scrap all the time and we keep pointing out to them that it changes nothing. Same thing with arguments with housemates. You don't have to actually care about what they think on any topic other than the smooth operation of the house and if you are even behaving marginally like adults....you all should be able to get this in order without a bloodbath. If every little thing is about drama and arguments....you all have to stop this pathologically destructive and immature behaviour.

Follow the lead of the girl you get along with and spend quality time with her. Make your own fun. Spend more time with others outside your house...or even on your own. You don't have to be their punching bag.

Now I don't know you and am only providing very general advice here....but I do know that students....particularly if they don't have a high confidence level can slip into a habit of not caring about their appearance (been there) if they are more pre-occupied with studying etc. Do something about that...when I finally woke up one day and decided to start looking and acting like I was in control and felt good enough about myself to put some effort into it......the whole world changed for me.

As far as the depression goes...if you have a physiologically based neuro chemical condition (and I suspect you do)...do not be afraid to seek out counselling and medical support. And then make sure:
- no more caffeine.
- get regular sleep
- reduce your sugar intake
- get regular sleep
- eliminate any MSG from your diet.
- get regular sleep
- turn off the technology at a fixed time each night.
- get regular sleep...

A lot of us have been in a somewhat similar position at some point in our lives in school and have lived to come out on the other side with greater strength, resilience and self-confidence. Once you start to realize that your conscious self is actually in control for so much of what happens in your own world....you will stop thinking of yourself as a victim.

[supasyd]

Thanks everyone for reassuring words. I try to not retaliate, but I am bottling up more and more and I did tge same thing in school, only I exploded in the last year and nearly got excluded for attacking people and I don't agree with violence so I really don't want to lose control again. I feel things with wayyy too much intensity. I look after the way I look. I don't consider myself attractive so try and make up for it by taking care because I can't afford to not make an effort. Everyone says this is just something you go through at school but for me, it's still an issue.

I'm nervous about the idea of getting help because sitting there in front of a stranger having to get personal is impossibly awkward without lots of alcohol. I tried antidepressants over the summer but they didn't do anything.

[Steve]

oh you know what i just looked at your profile and your far left, i couldnt care less anymore.

Spilovn you're getting on my nerve today. Are you joking, or is this an honest response? If you're joking you might want to figure out how to let people know. Actually I wasn't real thrilled with you telling him to punch her in your first reply either. If you're actually dragging your politics in here (to a thread it doesn't belong in, btw), you've done a great disservice to the credibility of your party platform.

This is exactly what I mean. Everywhere I go

This is what I mean spilovn. Supasyd is hurting and not in an emotional place to process that kind of remark, even if it is intended as humor. So not cool dude.

Supasyd, I'm terrible at giving advice about being bullied. I'm with you honey. I was bullied for years in ways I haven't often talked about with anyone. It's all well and good to have people tell you to stick up for yourself, return her mean behavior, or to simply change the way you feel about yourself.

The truth is that's its difficult to overcome low self esteem, especially when hatred has been piled on you for a long time and you've had little or no support system to help you cope. Keep trying to remember that (based upon your posts) the problem lay with other people, that you're not a terrible person. Remember that people don't deserve to be treated as second class based upon looks, economics, sexual orientation, etc.

You have to eat sweetie. Don't let others take basic human needs away from you. I know how awful it is to walk into the lions den, especially when you don't have much choice. Keep your head held high. Don't engage in conversation with people egging you on... they're looking for a fight and an easy way to further degrade your self esteem. Whenever possible take the high road and don't sink to their level. Hate escalates when you feed it hate.

People will tell you to fight and stick up for yourself, to not allow what's being said to get to you emotionally. That's good advice, even if it is like someone telling you to move a mountain. Personally I wouldn't take on too much of a fight without first finding a support base. Are there people at your school who advocate for students who are bullied? Have you made friends with gay friendly people who can help you? Sometimes you can't do things alone in life, and there's no shame seeking help. Find people and groups who will support you.

Other people will provide you good advice here darlin'. Don't let one person's flippant remarks spoil the good intentions and advice from the rest. Keep taking deep breaths and try to calm yourself as much as possible... People do care about you. And keep posting. Most of the people here provide a great means of emotional support.

You're a good person. Hold on to that.

[supasyd]

Supasyd, I'm terrible at giving advice about being bullied. I'm with you honey. I was bullied for years in ways I haven't often talked about with anyone. It's all well and good to have people tell you to stick up for yourself, return her mean behavior, or to simply change the way you feel about yourself.

The truth is that's its difficult to overcome low self esteem, especially when hatred has been piled on you for a long time and you've had little or no support system to help you cope. Keep trying to remember that (based upon your posts) the problem lay with other people, that you're not a terrible person. Remember that people don't deserve to be treated as second class based upon looks, economics, sexual orientation, etc.

You have to eat sweetie. Don't let others take basic human needs away from you. I know how awful it is to walk into the lions den, especially when you don't have much choice. Keep your head held high. Don't engage in conversation with people egging you on... they're looking for a fight and an easy way to further degrade your self esteem. Whenever possible take the high road and don't sink to their level. Hate escalates when you feed it hate.

People will tell you to fight and stick up for yourself, to not allow what's being said to get to you emotionally. That's good advice, even if it is like someone telling you to move a mountain. Personally I wouldn't take on too much of a fight without first finding a support base. Are there people at your school who advocate for students who are bullied? Have you made friends with gay friendly people who can help you? Sometimes you can't do things alone in life, and there's no shame seeking help. Find people and groups who will support you.

Other people will provide you good advice here darlin'. Don't let one person's flippant remarks spoil the good intentions and advice from the rest. Keep taking deep breaths and try to calm yourself as much as possible... People do care about you. And keep posting. Most of the people here provide a great means of emotional support.

You're a good person. Hold on to that.

I managed to cook some curry without anyone coming in, so I have eaten today. Thanks a lot for the advice. It makes sense. I blame myself because it happens to me so often in so many different scenarios that I wonder what else it could be. I might see if there are any societies I can join for support.

[Rareboy]

Thanks everyone for reassuring words. I try to not retaliate, but I am bottling up more and more and I did tge same thing in school, only I exploded in the last year and nearly got excluded for attacking people and I don't agree with violence so I really don't want to lose control again. I feel things with wayyy too much intensity. I look after the way I look. I don't consider myself attractive so try and make up for it by taking care because I can't afford to not make an effort. Everyone says this is just something you go through at school but for me, it's still an issue.

I'm nervous about the idea of getting help because sitting there in front of a stranger having to get personal is impossibly awkward without lots of alcohol. I tried antidepressants over the summer but they didn't do anything.

Good to hear that you are taking care of yourself.....but bottling up and then explosive rage indicates that you definitely need to sit down with a counsellor to determine how to keep this from happening. No one feels things with way too much intensity. But you may be conditioned to placing far more importance on some things as a self-defense mechanism....and you may be overly sensitive to criticism and others disagreeing with your own opinion or point of view. We can all be like this. Sitting down with a good homo-positive counsellor to help you find a way through depression and anxiety shouldn't be scary...although I know it will seems this way. Do some looking around at school and find out how you can get some support for anxiety management and clinical depression.

Add 'No Alcohol' to my list of things to give up. I have people in my my family who simply must not drink. It makes them morose and angry and aggressive......if this describes you, then you need to find a better way to get your mellow on. If you want to drink...do it only around people you'd trust with your life and be really up-front with them and yourself that you may not be at your best.

[MikeW]

I think everyone here wants to be supportive of you. This sounds really difficult and I don't envy having to deal with that kind of abuse.

The question is, what exactly to do about it? If I were there and could observe these interactions I might be able to offer some good advice. Absent that, though, I'm not quite sure what will work for you.

My one thought is you need some kind of support network. I'm not sure what might be available to you at Uni. Are there counselors (not academic but personal) that you can see? Seriously, you need some good input from someone. Without some sort of *something* to give you direct guidance I could see this hindering your studies, not to mention further stunting your social development. … Not to mention the fact that it just plain sucks. If you're storing up a lot of hurt and rage, this isn't a good thing. It's unhealthy on a lot of levels.

Sorry I don't know what more to suggest at the moment. But, hey, we'll listen (read) whatever you have to say. If you just want to rant an get it out of your system, go for it. Don't hold back. Scream and yell in your words here, tell them what you want them to know (safely, here)… Maybe that might help to at last get this crap a bit off your chest.

Best to you, though!

[Jason74]

Bullies are just cowards that can't handle there own lives so they have to make other peoples lives a bitch. Its so weird how being a bully is so accepted in this day and age and nobody does crap about it and then people are shocked when there is a school shooting because some kid never got the support or help that he needed to deal with thse pricks. Sometimes I wish that I was back in school and could be like a superhero that protects kids from being bullied.

Like I am back in school or etc and I see someone being made fun of I go up to the bully and ask them what there issues are and when they try and attack me I have all the best comebacks and if they try and attack me physically I just trip them or make them look stupid and people see that and react.

I heard long time ago that bullies usually bullied other kids because the bully really wanted to be that other kids friend but I am not sure if I believe that so much for you because if she was a friend and now she is being a complete bitch to you then I really have no clue what her problem is unless lots of people react that way towards you and somehow she thinks its cool to be like everyone else and tease and bully you as well which if that is the case that is just sad and pathetic on her part.

Honestly anytime I see a school shooting now and they say it was a kid who was bullied all the time I am really not shocked or suprised anymore. Just wish the school system would do something about this, its pretty sad and pathetic cause that is where it starts.

[supasyd]

In school I got it a lot but I figured things would be different in college and uni, as they are adult environments, but I was wrong. I feel a little better after reading these because I keep feeling like I am doing something wrong, but now I feel other people are as well. . . I don't know if bullying exists in every culture but if there are any where it doesn't, I'm migrating!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Back when I was a kid us that were bullied suffered in silence. We went about our lives and held it all in.

That seemed to work for countless generations. yeah sure a few killed themselves, or ended up being 'socially maladjusted' with minor tendencies to mass murder and other fun 'retribution' type things. but, most of us survived and made it through X phase of life and moved on without allowing 'it' to be a problem for us.

There is the AA prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'll give you the wisdom bit.

Things you cannot change is - other people - what they think, do, say , feel, behave, act - blah. Can't change them.

Things you can change: Yourself- what you say, what you do, how you choose to feel about X, Y and Z...

This university situation is temporary, fleetingly so. Yes it hurts, yes it stings, yeah its unfair - but it will end sooner than later and you will move on, get a job, your own place, your own life and these people who annoy you won't be part of it.

Most of the bullies I had in high school are in worst shape than I am today. Some are dead, others are in prison, a few are so messed up and stuck in the past that no amount of dynamite will blow them out of it.

This is typical, those who bully and treat people like crap usually end up living longish, miserable lives. Those who are bullied and just use that to strengthen their resolve to push through end up being Bill Gates, or Steve Jobs..... Or the guy who started Yahoo, or the guys who started Google, or that Zuckerman Fellow who started that little known thing called 'Facebook'.

How much you want to bet that Zuckerman was named Suckerman through out all of his school years and teased and tormented and minored in purple nurple reception and toilet twirlies all because his parents had the misfortune of having Zuckerman as a last name?

You may not become famous and overly rich, but chances are rather high your life will be more measurably successful than that skank who is tormenting you currently.

She looks forward to getting married to a slacker dope doing, wife beater wearing 'dude' who will beat here then leave her for another woman leaving the three brats for her to raise on state money, living in one of those infamous estates that hold the poor. THAT is her future...

Karma is what it is....

[Rareboy]

I'm going to throw in one other possibility for you to consider.

There is a cultural precedent for people using bullying to 'help' someone toughen the fuck up. I had one boss like this when I was a teenager....he honestly thought that he was doing a good thing (ex military) by provoking me and criticizing my mannerisms and shyness in order to push me to fight back and defend myself and butch up my own behaviour. Was he right to do this? Absolutely not. He was being a dick, but he wouldn't have seen it this way.

And you know what? His bullying worked. It did toughen me up and make me more impervious to taunts and more determined to rise above him and all the other homophobes and bullies.

So while I think that your 'friend' is just trying to score cheap points off of you to gather more power for herself because she's fucked up.....there may be a little part of her that thinks she's doing you a favour.