about friends replying

[lonelylad]

dear members,

i always used to have this problem.

i only have a few friends, 3 of them to be exact. they are not in the same university as me now.

when i try to message them or call them, i find that it is always me who initiates the conversation first. i will always make the first step to send them a message or call them. there is never a time where they called me or send me a message first. sometimes, they will not reply to me. even if they pick up the call, they tend to make it a quick one saying that they will call me back again. but they will never call me back. i tried testing them a few times by not contacting them for a few weeks. but they will never contact me asking me whether i am okay or not. in the end, i will give up and contact them again.

is it a wrong thing if i think that friendship should be a two - way relation? as in the other person should also try to initiate the conversation with me at some times. after all, my friend should also be interested in talking with me right (if he treats me as a friend)?

i tried the testing method to see if they really care for me. after all, they should be concerned about why i am not contacting them right? am i being wrong for doing this?

i feel unwanted and it makes me feel like i am not meant to have friends when such things happen. i really feel hurt and upset thinking about it.

what are your views about this ?

[Hardheaded1]

Hi there.

First, friendships are inherently unequal, even when they are strong. The three you cited plainly are less enamored with you than you are with them.

Your best path is to continue to reach out to new people. Keep making new friends. Eventually, you will garner friends who seek your company as much as you seek theirs.

We all have to start off where we are with what we have. Don't scorn the three you have because they aren't enough of what you want. Accept them for who they are and like that. But, do move on to gain closer friends.

And, consider rethinking your self-image. If you choose to self-identify as "lonely lad," you may well be putting out signals that you are depressed or needy, which could cause friendships to be more difficult to form. Think of your positive traits and think of yourself that way -- others will too.

[ShiftyNJ]

Wise words above.

Paradoxically, it seems like - at least here - being too busy is seen as an attractive trait. Get out there and do stuff you enjoy, even if it is not with people you know well, so that when you do have a conversation with your closer friends you have interesting news to share. Also, people like to talk about themselves, so make sure you are asking questions and listening actively to the the replies. Make sure what you're putting out there is upbeat, even when you're not feeling so perky.

[Rareboy]

Friendships are transient....few will survive all the years. The only person I know who still has close freinds from childhood is my sister....I have only a few from university days.

Keep moving forward. There are billions of people on the planet to be friends with. some will stick. Most won't.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Are you using the word 'friend' to describe true friendship and not abusing the word as is popular today by associating friendship with mere acquaintances.

If you don't know, please read:

http://www.differencebetween.net/languag...nd-friend/

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt157599.html

I fear in this modern world people have been friended to the point where they think anyone who they merely know a name or have seen a picture of or have read a few mind-numbingly stupid messages on social media is your friend.

[Lexington]

I have friends where I nearly always have to initiate contact. Why do I keep doing so? Because I value the interaction with them more than I dislike the fact that I have to initiate it. There are other friends where I simply stopped initiating, because the interaction WASN'T worth it.

Lex

[Radbot42]

I have friends that I rarely hear from, and I started thinking the same thing. I then made new friends who get a hold of me more frequently. My old friends started to get a hold of me, at least some of them did, when I paid less attention to them.

[dynamodean]

There is a full spectrum of friendships ranging from extremely casual to intensely close. Sounds like your friends are on the casual side. It is normal to want to feel cared for but perhaps they just handle their friendships differently from how you like to handle yours. Continue meeting new people and building new friendships. You will find those that value your interactions and preferences.

[DreamMaker]

I had life with shitty friends. I have now pretty nice friends, although living far away from me.
I know the feels.

[lonelylad]

thank you for your suggestions friends. i think i have to put myself out more and try to make more new friends. wish me good luck for my venture.