Trust is gone :(

[Anonymous]

Hi guys, sorry for the long read but I couldn't go with this issue to my friends so next best thing

I've been living with my boyfriend for 4 months now and a month ago we had this huge fight, we stopped talking to each other for 2 days. on the second day he was in the front yard and suddenly our neighbor (she is a distant family member of him) asks how he's doing and looking outside the window I could see by sign language that he was talking about me. I got so pissed off and so I took his computer to see who else he talked too about us. On FB there were 4 or 5 others who he talked about our fight, (he made it out to be that I was the bad guy) he even said to one of them, I wished he never moved in... :O He was always saying "let your apartment go and move in with me" after a month of him asking and using reasons as to why it's better to move in, I caved. And then I discover this..

I confronted him with it, he said that "if it's going to stay like this then yes I wished you never moved in" I was really hurt, the fact that he would say this to people I don't even know.

A week ago we had a fight and after the fight I asked him who did you tell this to this time he said nobody "here look in my cell"

When I looked most messages were deleted, I asked him why are all your text messages deleted with the friends you constantly chat with. and on facebook and whatsapp aswell He said "I always delete them, why are you always looking for something to fight" I said "before, all your messages were still there" I don't remember what he responded to that.
Then every morning at 7 AM he gets messages from guys that he once knew through dating sites. It just happens that he never responds to those. But I had a feeling he was deleting his responds. So again we had a fight about that, and my gut feeling was just telling me he's hiding something. he gets a text again from a guy he dated twice and he responds that he was watching a movie with me. the guy responds who is he? and my boyfriend said, didn't I tell you that I have a boyfriend, when he responded back, my boyfriend was reading his message and while reading my boyfriend starts to mumble. Again my guts told me not to trust it. so the next day I grabbed his phone in front of him and I read his text and the part he didn't read out loud was "How's it going there? Last time you weren't really positive and I still feel sorry for you"

I ask him what does he mean with this and he starts yelling at me "Are you going to start again with you childish behavior!!! How should I know maybe about my ex, call him and ask him" So I grabbed his phone and was going to send message (but not really, just to see his reaction) and suddenly he gets mad again and tells me to give him the phone, and that's when I knew he was hiding something again so I decided to text the guy anyway saying "I just re-read your message what do you mean with not positive?"

He text back but my boyfriend had the phone and I said what did he say, he said "It was fb" but the fact was he deleted his reply, I told him that sound is from sms not fb, again he got mad and told me mind your own business. I told him well it's obvious this relationship isn't based on thrust and honesty. tomorrow I'm out and you don't have to worry anymore about deleting your messages. He started to cry, and then he said "Yes I told him about our fight, and yes I lied about it, happy? I this what you wanted to hear? Well that's the truth" I asked him "did you just deleted his reply?" and he said yes. So I'll never really know what that message was...

So he started crying and saying I hate myself for lying to you, I've always been lied to with my previous relationship and now I'm doing the same to you and I'm so sorry blabla. I was pissed off, he tells people he only met twice about our household, to me that's crazy. I feel so ashamed, he told his mom, our neighbor, and a couple of his best friends and then this guy who he only met twice... It's stupid but I feel so betrayed and I can't trust him anymore, I get the urge to constantly check his phone because my self worth has sunk deep underground. And I totally understand people make fckd up mistakes and if I was in his place I would also like to be forgiven but why and how do I thrust him again :/ I was never the jealous type, never in my previous relationships, and now because he was being weird and secretive, I feel terrible of what type of person I have become, I rather be dead than being this type of person! It's sickening!

Sorry for my rant, I just need a bit of advise

[MikeW]

Apparently you guys are NOT communicating. From all you've written, I certainly have no idea what is *really* going on, where the FEELINGS in this relationship are coming from?

Why the hell are you together at all? What happened to THOSE feelings that drew you together and motivated you to begin sharing a life together? How do you work out your differences?

And why SHOULDN'T he talk with his friends about your relationship? When I ran into problems in my relationships, I generally needed to talk about it with *someone* and the most likely candidates were my closest friends (or my therapist if I happened to have one at the time). WTF is wrong with that?

But regardless of your reasons, you obviously feel this isn't right. So, what is that about for you? Where are those feelings coming from?

Bottom line, you guys need to stop blaming one another and start listening to one another -- that is, listening to how each other feels AS IF YOU CARE about how the other feels. Because if you don't care about one another's feelings, well, there ain't no advice anyone can give you except move on.

[palbert]

I read the rant. No relationship needs such drama.

Why would you even think you could continue this relationship?

The short answer here is move out and move on.

[East]

My advice it to leave. I know that might sound harsh but lying is a deal breaker for me and since you say you would rather be dead than the person you are now with him...get out.

The next part may be controversial and normally I would keep it to myself but hey...it deals with your situation directly so here goes....

I do not trust people who tell everyone about everything that happens in their relationship on an ongoing basis....or who speak badly of their partner. It will be 30 years next year and I have yet to say a bad word about my partner to ANYONE. Yes...we have disagreements and arguments that we resolve with communication and I think it is rude and disrespectful to involve other people in these personal matters and put them in a position to take sides.

My lover is my friend...I treat him as one...with love and respect. Gossiping about him/us is NOT respectful.

People who complain about their partners/wives/husbands/lovers on a regular basis make me want to avoid them. I don't mind someone asking for advice about a problem...I would even encourage it...but to go to everyone about a fight and do it often is unacceptable in my eyes.

I think you should leave as four months is still early enough to correct the mistake...

[Borg69]

I'm falling into the TL;DR mode of all this, but from what I did read what I got out of it was... you're here to VENT about HIM Venting on line and showing some double standards about it.

People get mad. People say things in anger they don't always mean, or mean to the extent you take it reading it after the fact second or third person.

[BrianNorth]

The main thing I see is that you didn't say what the fight the month before was about that caused you to not speak. Since then you've just been spiralling out of control. It seems like you are both finding things to continue fighting about rather then address the issues.

You really need to decide if you want the relationship to work or if you want to move on. Either way I think you need to move out. You moved in together too fast and it's really causing a lot of strain. It's also not healthy for you to be reading all his messages. If he needs to express frustration to someone he trusts then it's his right do to so. If he was feeling really worked up or mad at the moment he was talking to someone and then you read it chances are you're reading something a lot more harsh then his actual feelings. A trick I picked up a long time ago is when something happens just give myself the night to chill and cool off as anything I say is going to be my feelings mixed with a side of anger and hurt and what comes out of my mouth won't be exactly how I feel.

TLDR: I'd say you need to moveout. You can chose to move on or regroup and try and repair the relationship with some distance and healthy boundaries set.

[DonJon]

Trust is really a sacred thing in a relationship. Looks like both of you are not trusting each other. I think you both need to talk your issues with a clear mind and without outright judgement before deciding whether to stay in the relationship or not.

Bless you! mile:

[Rareboy]

I read the rant. No relationship needs such drama.

Why would you even think you could continue this relationship?

The short answer here is move out and move on.

Pretty much my take on it.

You two aren't meant to be long term partners.

[CellarDweller]

Trust is really a sacred thing in a relationship. Looks like both of you are not trusting each other.

So true.

He's talking to others about you, you're talking to others about him, you're looking at messages he sent on FB, he's deleting messages on his phone and FB.....

Too much drama for a relationship, the trust (if it was ever there before) is gone. Pack your stuff and move out.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

This isn't going to end well...


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