Friend was very flirty, I gained feelings, got rejected, confused

[inthecloset]

Most dramatic story I have ever seen
Both of you are High school students? Why things like this really happen in real life? Have you ever think that it may be him who turn you into bi but not straight? Do you think is there any part of you is so special that attract him so much?
Sorry if I'm being a little bit intrusive, I'm from China and do not know how to use English to say what I mean to say.

[heythere999]

Nevermind, he's probably gonna be in-town by tomorrow and I'll probably see him. Again at my house, though. I dunno...

[unisus]

First of all, I think your feelings are cute; second of all, I don't think that you are unjustified in your confusion as I have been quite the flirt myself and destroyed a number of relationships when I was really just looking for an intellectual friendship. However, as I am maturing, I realize that with every compromise in my boundaries—I was opening myself up to a person who, although we've shared many experiences with, I couldn't trust. Time and time again they have "fallen" for me (aka effaced all of my pain and experiences then hit on me and argued viciously that I was either leading them on, over-reacting, or being offensive for reinforcing my sexual boundaries).

That being said, let me explain to you that you are human—like many others. This friend of yours has very, very much overstepped your boundaries. I can be a flirt, but I am not a downright coward and emotional piranha. He has violated your heart in countless ways and seduced you. So much physical affection and comments, in his mind, allow him to rebel against standards and feel attractive, free, and powerful in situations where he might normally be bored; he is using you to boost his self-esteem, and now you are completely beaten up and sexually aroused by it.

I can tell that you are lonely and really want this comfortable, romantic connection; you need the pleasure, like all people do, and it aches to have him stroking your ego without getting you all the way off to climax. The result is that you are left with images of this man offering you the world, molestation and psychological manipulation disguised as "comfort" and "friendship".

What can I commend you on, however, is a willingness to discuss things and at least explore ways to calm and re-establish boundaries; I think what you need to do, however, is to stop misinterpreting his manipulative, seductive, "free-loving" spirit as benevolent and useful. You need to be blunt and begin expressing your discomfort by purely distancing yourself and letting him know that you are a person with feelings and that your boundaries and spirit belong to you, not to him. When he begins making trespasses and hints toward you, you need to say things like, "Uuugh ... I don't know what you're talking about." And mean it. Do not allow him to confuse your feelings for his anymore; you allowed him in because you enjoyed it, and rather than establishing a healthy relationship from the get-go, you now need to begin taking responsibility and protecting your feelings again.

If someone ugly and boring did these sorts of things with you, you would probably be appalled and not allow it; you allowed this to happen because you were attracted from the get-go. You are not to blame entirely, but now it's your time to begin acknowledging the way that sharing your space, thoughts, and feelings with this friend is inappropriate.

You are both very emotionally young and unaware of what you are doing; but you know enough to know that it is doing something. These sorts of things happen all the time; it doesn't mean you are destined to date or be together romantically: It just means that you're beginning to gain a greater sense of your spiritual (emotional) boundaries, no different than feeling around in a dark room to know where our physical boundaries are.

[heythere999]

First of all, I think your feelings are cute; second of all, I don't think that you are unjustified in your confusion as I have been quite the flirt myself and destroyed a number of relationships when I was really just looking for an intellectual friendship. However, as I am maturing, I realize that with every compromise in my boundaries—I was opening myself up to a person who, although we've shared many experiences with, I couldn't trust. Time and time again they have "fallen" for me (aka effaced all of my pain and experiences then hit on me and argued viciously that I was either leading them on, over-reacting, or being offensive for reinforcing my sexual boundaries).

That being said, let me explain to you that you are human—like many others. This friend of yours has very, very much overstepped your boundaries. I can be a flirt, but I am not a downright coward and emotional piranha. He has violated your heart in countless ways and seduced you. So much physical affection and comments, in his mind, allow him to rebel against standards and feel attractive, free, and powerful in situations where he might normally be bored; he is using you to boost his self-esteem, and now you are completely beaten up and sexually aroused by it.

I can tell that you are lonely and really want this comfortable, romantic connection; you need the pleasure, like all people do, and it aches to have him stroking your ego without getting you all the way off to climax. The result is that you are left with images of this man offering you the world, molestation and psychological manipulation disguised as "comfort" and "friendship".

What can I commend you on, however, is a willingness to discuss things and at least explore ways to calm and re-establish boundaries; I think what you need to do, however, is to stop misinterpreting his manipulative, seductive, "free-loving" spirit as benevolent and useful. You need to be blunt and begin expressing your discomfort by purely distancing yourself and letting him know that you are a person with feelings and that your boundaries and spirit belong to you, not to him. When he begins making trespasses and hints toward you, you need to say things like, "Uuugh ... I don't know what you're talking about." And mean it. Do not allow him to confuse your feelings for his anymore; you allowed him in because you enjoyed it, and rather than establishing a healthy relationship from the get-go, you now need to begin taking responsibility and protecting your feelings again.

If someone ugly and boring did these sorts of things with you, you would probably be appalled and not allow it; you allowed this to happen because you were attracted from the get-go. You are not to blame entirely, but now it's your time to begin acknowledging the way that sharing your space, thoughts, and feelings with this friend is inappropriate.

You are both very emotionally young and unaware of what you are doing; but you know enough to know that it is doing something. These sorts of things happen all the time; it doesn't mean you are destined to date or be together romantically: It just means that you're beginning to gain a greater sense of your spiritual (emotional) boundaries, no different than feeling around in a dark room to know where our physical boundaries are.

You are right. But our "relationship" is still totally ****ed up, despite me talking to him over the weekend after 3 weeks of almost no direct communication.

I'm pretty much almost done at this point. We had 2/3 weeks of barely any communication and we had a long talk about our friendship and still.... nothing. Nothing changed. He told me he doesn't like how I don't back him up and how I don't trust him or believe what he says, which is something that's totally not my fault at all. And I apologized and told him it's because he's hurt me so much. He told me he's never felt that he did anything gay, and that he only did everything in a joke-y friendly way, and that he never meant to lead me on, but if I never forgive him it's okay. And then he says that I need to believe him and trust him more and then he started talking about the girl he liked, and then he brought up a girl that I know and asked if she thinks I'll go for a guy like him, and then he said "girls are interested in me, then they get to know me, and then they stop liking me, why do you think that is?", and then he asked me why I still like him even though I know him "REALLY REALLY well," and then he said that he doesn't mind that I like him and he has no desire of me getting over him, and then he started talking about how he hates himself and all he's good at is letting everyone down and making people dislike him, how he has a different persona for the public, etc. etc. etc.

He's known by EVERYONE for being a huge liar, who'll lie to himself which makes it all the more infuriating. And he takes pride in the fact that he's a good liar, too. He'll ask me all the time "was that a good lie (my name)? Do you approve? That was so easy for me."

Just as a reminder, like 8 or so months ago, I had a "girl for the night." We were cuddling and making out the whole time, and at one point, we were sitting on the couch and cuddling, and he was looking at us and threw a lit stog at us. Later on, when I wasn't in the room, he approached her, said "is (my name) a good kisser?" and she didn't respond, and he said "only one way to find out" and then she backed away. She was so uncomfortable about it that she had to tell me the day afterwards. Why would she lie about that? He never admitted to anything of the sort.

And another example; a few days after I admitted to having feelings for him, when it was me, him, and his brother in front of a store after our organization meeting, and he stayed in front of the store for shade, and his brother went inside for air conditioning, I followed his brother until he said "(my name) come here" and I walked towards him, he smiled and mumbled something, I said "what?" and he said "oh nothing, I just know that you love (him) more than you love (his brother)." He claims that he was thinking strictly in the organization's mindset because he is a higher rank than his brother...... which is obvious total BS.

So just to clear things up, the first person I told everything to was someone he hooked up with a few times last year who was lead on by him, and yesterday, I told someone else-- also another person he has hooked up with. The girl if, you remember from the early parts of this topic, he made out with during our weekend trip. On Day 1, I made out with a girl, and he kissed me on the forehead goodnight, Day 2, he made out with her. Either he's really horny or there's something else.

She hates him, but for a different reason. He knew he liked her, and during the trip he made out with her, when he was sober, while she was drunk and nearly asleep, and was high-fiving the guys and he never apologized to her for it. He claims that he had no clue that she liked him even though everyone knows that's not true.

Anyways, I told her everything, and she said that "I feel like he doesn't want to accept the possibility that he does like you, and it seems like he does."

She stated that she has sometimes felt weird vibes between us, and she feels like the last time he tried to kiss her was because he "felt too gay" around me.

She says that "while I was reading some of the stuff you told me, it sounded a little familiar, like he'd do that stuff to me too, but as I was reading I was like "ok this is not common." It's like stuff he did to me times 10!" Keep in mind this is someone he HOOKED UP with.

And she also talked to me about how he always talks to her about the girl he likes (that everyone thinks he's just BSing about), and I told her that he's done that to me too which doesn't make sense considering that he knows we like him (well she doesn't anymore).

She told me he most likely does that to get a reaction out of us, same with any time he tries to act moody for no reason and whatnot; basically we came to the conclusion that he's an attention *****.

So basically, at this point, as usual, I don't know what to do. I can't trust him, at all. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Which means I can't bring myself to "back him up" or think well of him anymore. I can't do it. It's a shame. I can't deal with someone who lies to himself, ****s me over, and then expects me to believe him and trust him and act normally. Sorry.

[unisus]

He's emotionally suppressed; stop divulging your passions. He isn't worth any more.

[unisus]

Sorry, I had to reply on my phone yesterday so I was short. I'm on a laptop so let me see if I can go deeper.

You are right. But our "relationship" is still totally ****ed up, despite me talking to him over the weekend after 3 weeks of almost no direct communication.

Your relationship was fucked up from the start if this man thinks he is allowed to just hold your hand and make gay jokes at you, along with strange eye contact, intrusive comments on your sex life, and use women the way that he does. Sounds like you enjoyed some of the things that you did together, but rather than your relationship "taking a turn for the worse", it's actually taking a turn for the better in a way that you did not expect. Before, he was trespassing all over you, and you have evolved to such a degree that you courageously confronted him and now realize that he's been a real pervert. I'm not sure how the realization that one of your "best friends" is a pervert could go without tremendous upheaval.

I'm pretty much almost done at this point. We had 2/3 weeks of barely any communication and we had a long talk about our friendship and still.... nothing. Nothing changed. He told me he doesn't like how I don't back him up and how I don't trust him or believe what he says, which is something that's totally not my fault at all. And I apologized and told him it's because he's hurt me so much. He told me he's never felt that he did anything gay, and that he only did everything in a joke-y friendly way, and that he never meant to lead me on, but if I never forgive him it's okay. And then he says that I need to believe him and trust him more and then he started talking about the girl he liked, and then he brought up a girl that I know and asked if she thinks I'll go for a guy like him, and then he said "girls are interested in me, then they get to know me, and then they stop liking me, why do you think that is?", and then he asked me why I still like him even though I know him "REALLY REALLY well," and then he said that he doesn't mind that I like him and he has no desire of me getting over him, and then he started talking about how he hates himself and all he's good at is letting everyone down and making people dislike him, how he has a different persona for the public, etc. etc. etc.

His self-loathing is obnoxious if he isn't willing to listen to anyone's advice. You claim he's been hooking up with girls, making out with them, suggesting you do the same; he's been toying with your feelings. It isn't normal to make jokes about dating or being intimate with someone, regardless of a person's orientation. He's been implying it, stating it, suggesting it, making references to it, planting the thoughts and seeds, and invading you with thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with being a respectable friend ... Of course you don't trust him, because there absolutely no use in this behavior. Thoughts and words have real power and feeling; I used to look for little hidden signals when I was your age too .. I hope you find the right person to hold you and build a life with, and that you realize you're worth more than teasing, obscure makeout sessions, and hooking up.

He's known by EVERYONE for being a huge liar, who'll lie to himself which makes it all the more infuriating. And he takes pride in the fact that he's a good liar, too. He'll ask me all the time "was that a good lie (my name)? Do you approve? That was so easy for me."

I hate lying; he's obviously immature ... Borderline emotionally retarded.

Just as a reminder, like 8 or so months ago, I had a "girl for the night." We were cuddling and making out the whole time, and at one point, we were sitting on the couch and cuddling, and he was looking at us and threw a lit stog at us. Later on, when I wasn't in the room, he approached her, said "is (my name) a good kisser?" and she didn't respond, and he said "only one way to find out" and then she backed away. She was so uncomfortable about it that she had to tell me the day afterwards. Why would she lie about that? He never admitted to anything of the sort.

Why did you have a "girl for the night"? You need to figure out who you are; quit living in the closet, if you are, and find a real, respectable human-being. It's tough in today's world, especially in Capitalistic societies built on the degradation and separation of love for the power-elite ... But it will at least make you feel good about your decisions, and yourself. The more you objectify romance, the more you'll sulk and destroy your own dignity and others. You're worth more than that.

So just to clear things up, the first person I told everything to was someone he hooked up with a few times last year who was lead on by him, and yesterday, I told someone else-- also another person he has hooked up with. The girl if, you remember from the early parts of this topic, he made out with during our weekend trip. On Day 1, I made out with a girl, and he kissed me on the forehead goodnight, Day 2, he made out with her. Either he's really horny or there's something else.

I feel nauseous; the secrecy, the fornication, the nonchalant trivialization of it all—and even sadder, your romantic obsession with people who participate in this behavior. Protect your heart.

She hates him, but for a different reason. He knew he liked her, and during the trip he made out with her, when he was sober, while she was drunk and nearly asleep, and was high-fiving the guys and he never apologized to her for it. He claims that he had no clue that she liked him even though everyone knows that's not true.

He sounds like he's been a real piece of garbage.

Anyways, I told her everything, and she said that "I feel like he doesn't want to accept the possibility that he does like you, and it seems like he does."

It may also be her way of handling her own rejection. Maybe she was honest.

She stated that she has sometimes felt weird vibes between us, and she feels like the last time he tried to kiss her was because he "felt too gay" around me.

She says that "while I was reading some of the stuff you told me, it sounded a little familiar, like he'd do that stuff to me too, but as I was reading I was like "ok this is not common." It's like stuff he did to me times 10!" Keep in mind this is someone he HOOKED UP with.

When you say "hooked up" with, do you mean sex? I was under the impression you meant sex. Anyway ...

And she also talked to me about how he always talks to her about the girl he likes (that everyone thinks he's just BSing about), and I told her that he's done that to me too which doesn't make sense considering that he knows we like him (well she doesn't anymore).

She told me he most likely does that to get a reaction out of us, same with any time he tries to act moody for no reason and whatnot; basically we came to the conclusion that he's an attention *****.

So basically, at this point, as usual, I don't know what to do. I can't trust him, at all. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Which means I can't bring myself to "back him up" or think well of him anymore. I can't do it. It's a shame. I can't deal with someone who lies to himself, ****s me over, and then expects me to believe him and trust him and act normally. Sorry.

He may have some superficially attractive qualities, but if he's affecting your self-esteem, you need to take a step back before you begin trying to emulate this. Just because some groups turn people into piranhas, does not make it humane ... Humanity is bigger than society.

[heythere999]

It's been an interesting couple of days. Nothing too much but I remember for a couple of days I would ignore the questions he asked me in a group chat we have so he knew I was trying to ignore him. I had a couple of friends over and I asked another friend to come, and he tagged along. I wasn't looking at him or giving him attention and then he started to do the same and then we started talking to each other and then he ended up asking me "oh btw we're gonna hang out with (girl that he knows I know, I've known her for 6 years he just met her, talked about me to her) if that's alright with you" and I looked noticeably pissed off and he tried to get my attention back. He then later asked if I wanted to come over to his house for a bit with our best friend, which I did.

Then yesterday me and one of our close girl friends whom he met through me watched a movie together, with Channing Tatum as one of the lead roles. He asked the girl "isn't Channing Tatum bisexual?" And then she responded. And then later on when a sex scene came up with him and the girl, the girl wasn't acting pleased and he said "why is she complaining? I mean-"

And today I went to his house unexpectedly with our best friend and another guy and he was pretty cold to me minus a few seconds here and there. When we got up to leave, I said bye last and we hugged, and he said "I always like hugging you, by the way. It's fun. Would you concur?" And I said "yes" and he said good. And then I went out the door and he followed me and he jokingly said "this is called Door Closing 101" and then he gestured to hug again and I jokingly rejected it and he said "why are you so difficult?" And then we hugged again and I jokingly said "go **** yourself" and he said "by myself? Fine goodnight, bye"

There were some other tidbits but these were the most... Interesting, I'd say.

[Rareboy]

Those were the most interesting tidbits?

[heythere999]

Those were the most interesting tidbits?

Yeah, not much has happened

[unisus]

Yeah, not much has happened

These are so insightful; thank you! You're beautiful. Keep it coming.