loneliness caught me again

[lonelylad]

dear members,

i am sharing this here because i do not have anyone in real life to share with.

last week, something happened in my class. the lecturer asked my class to form groups of 3 or 4 for a group discussion. i do not have any friends in the class. so, i went to those groups of 3 people and asked them politely whether i could join them. they said no bluntly to my face. and when i walked away, they started giggling. this happened to all the groups. i started to feel hurt. after asking the last available group, i went to sit down alone in my desk. i felt like the others find joy in seeing me suffer like that.

i noticed the lecturer was also giggling at me when i sat down alone and told me "you have to work alone because nobody wants to work with you." and i heard more giggling from others.

i was really upset because the lecturer was supposed to help me get into a group and not mock at me together with others. i felt like an idiot and loser sitting down there. group discussion with myself? i felt like a lunatic.

and throughout the lesson, the lecturer bothered to go to all the other groups and ask about their progress, but he did not even come to me for once at all. in the end, i could not concentrate in the lesson because my anxiety and depression started to worsen at that point.

similar incidents like this happened to me before. i feel people ostracize me because i am effeminate and behave awkward. but this is something which i never asked to be born with. i desire to be just like other normal people.

i have tried making friends many times but it is futile. they will only entertain me during the times i talk to them and ignore me after that. sometimes, i feel maybe i am meant to have no friends and suffer from loneliness throughout my life. life is meant to have some companions. i feel like my life has no meaning.

and i don't see the point of me studying. studying seems to be a positive experience only for people who are sociable and normal.

my family doesn't appreciate me either. i have been doing most of the house chores (this is something most other guys of my age won't do) for them. but they repay me with unkind words stating how awkward i am in public and an embarrassment for them.

my cousin used to be my only companion in life. but after coming out to him, he started to drift further away from me and avoid me. i guess he doesn't want to associate with someone who is gay.

i seriously wished many times that death comes to me faster so that i can be free from this agony. happiness doesn't seem to be there for me in life. only unhappiness.

there is a saying that "you will know who really misses you after your death." i feel there won't be a single soul who will miss me if i died. maybe only people who are happy hearing about my death.

[deepu69]

Sorry to hear it. We Indians are quite hypocritical when it comes to dealing with homosexuals. I have seen many 'masculine' men privately enjoying acts associated with gay sex and then making fun of homosexuals in public.

Your professor is certainly unworthy of being a tutor. A person incapable of appreciating the variety of life is indeed a moron.

Don't despair.. Every human being is unique and special. You too are...

[palbert]

I hope you are able to endure these slights until you can be on your own - and finish your studies.

[CellarDweller]

What was done to you was cruel and I hope that karma visits them all with some payback.

Hopefully, you will be done with school, but I think you need to seek some therapy to help you overcome your social awkwardness.

[Virge]

I feel for you, lonelydad. I would have thought things in India would be better than that. I have met some Indians in the US who are gay and very happy my impression of India comes from them. Endure and don't be discouraged. You have people who care.

[Hardheaded1]

When we are isolated from love and support, we have to bear down and find the strength within to get through it until we can get to a better place.

No one should have to be treated the way you were. Remember that better people are out there waiting to meet you once you finish school and get a job.

Don't let the losers around you make you think less of yourself. Hold on. You will be at a better place with real friends in time. It will happen.

[dynamodean]

I'm so sorry to read about your ordeals. One would think that the "professor" would be more understanding and compassionate, but you can't take the hole out of an ass, and he deserves a huge karma bitch slap.

Stay strong and know that there are others out there that would more than welcome you to be friends with them. I would have been happy for you to join me if we had a class together. I really hate it when people are left out for stupid, superficial reasons.

Don't give up and keep focusing on your studies. One has to get tougher when the going gets tough. You will meet the grownups in the world after you leave the kiddies behind in school. Life will be better.

[araya]

your prof and friends can get your middle finger!
try opening yourself a bit more, dude! there'll be people out there who cares for you
I'm pretty introvert myself but I always have a few special best friends, everyone's special!

[lonelylad]

thank you for your kind words friends. your posts really mean a lot to me and help me a lot from my depression.

i had to visit my psychiatrist again because my depression got worse and after medication and the therapy i am better now.

i am depending on my studies now to get myself a better future and happy life, something that i am missing right now. hopefully i can do well.

thank you guys once again.

[Rareboy]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better again.

The best revenge is to succeed and to leave the haters eating your sparkling dust.

Always press on regardless and remember that there are those people out there who will value you as a person and a friend. You may just not have met them yet.