what will you do in such a situation?

[lonelylad]

dear members,

i am giving a situation below. i would like to hear about your views about what would you do in that situation.

suppose you are meeting up a guy for the first time in a restaurant for a date.

before meeting up, you and him have been texting each other for about 2 weeks. he seems to be friendly.

when in the restaurant, you notice that he does the following things:
- his body tend to shake once in a while
- he speaks so softly and quiver that you have to keep asking him to repeat himself
- he keeps hunching his back
- he keeps smiling awkwardly for no reason at certain times
- he cannot look at you in the eye for too long when listening or speaking to you and his eyes keep darting to other places or his plate and glass
- you can notice his hands are trembling when holding his fork and spoon
- you can sense fear and quiver in his voice when he is telling his order to the waiter

1) what will you do in this situation?
2) will you leave the restaurant halfway because the guy is behaving like a jerk?
3) will you be thinking why you even bothered to meet him in the first place?
4) will you feel embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with him in the restaurant by others?


suppose he sends you a message after the date saying that he enjoyed the date and wanted to meet up again

5) will you want to meet him up again?
6) will you consider such a guy for a relationship or as a boyfriend?
7) will you assume that guy is awkward and lacking self-confidence and will that be a turn off for you?

i know the politically right answer is yes i will meet him up.
but i really want to hear your honest replies of what you will really do in such a situation.

lastly,
8) should the guy give up hope of being in a relationship because he has so much flaws?

thank you.

edit: i would like to add that the awkward guy is none other than me. i am just apprehensive about how other people will view me.

[araya]

he might be very nervous when he met you, he's not acting like a jerk, YOU ARE the jerk
you don't even bother to try to ask him why or even try to fix the awkward atmosphere, you just met him for once and you said things like this? as if his nervousness disgusted you so much that you never want to meet him anymore or consider him WORTHY for you, the way you say it, FLAWS, just how perfect are you to say something like this?
you should really just date a mirror, date YOUR PERFECT SELF and be alone for the rest of your life

[East]

All of the things you described in your meeting are normal nervous anxiety type of behavior...

Nothing you described led me to believe he was creepy....I would think maybe shy and nervous..

He said he enjoyed the date...believe him....

The real question is...did you like it enough to have a second meeting?

Another thing to consider....are you also a bit nervous or have anxiety? The reason I ask...the things we have inside of us that we don't like can manifest into a dislike of other people who have similar qualities...it is called projection.

[lonelylad]

he might be very nervous when he met you, he's not acting like a jerk, YOU ARE the jerk
you don't even bother to try to ask him why or even try to fix the awkward atmosphere, you just met him for once and you said things like this? as if his nervousness disgusted you so much that you never want to meet him anymore or consider him WORTHY for you, the way you say it, FLAWS, just how perfect are you to say something like this?
you should really just date a mirror, date YOUR PERFECT SELF and be alone for the rest of your life

All of the things you described in your meeting are normal nervous anxiety type of behavior...

Nothing you described led me to believe he was creepy....I would think maybe shy and nervous..

He said he enjoyed the date...believe him....

The real question is...did you like it enough to have a second meeting?

Another thing to consider....are you also a bit nervous or have anxiety? The reason I ask...the things we have inside of us that we don't like can manifest into a dislike of other people who have similar qualities...it is called projection.

hello araya and east,

i would like to clarify a few points.

i posted the thread in another person's point of view. i think it caused some confusion.

i am the guy with those symptoms i have mentioned. (hand trembling, body shaking, speaking softly etc.)

i have been seeing my therapist for these symptoms as well as my depression.

i would like to know what others would think about my symptoms because all this while i keep fearing they will dislike me for my flaws.

that is why i posted this situation: something which i have dreaded and feared to do (dating)

as i mentioned in another thread before, posting my thoughts and feelings in this forum helps me a lot because reading your replies gives me confidence and hope and also rationalize my negative thinking.

thank you for your replies.

[East]

^^^There will always be people who don't like you for many reasons and it truly is about who they are and not about who you are.

For instance...I am not compatible very much with people who want to tear other people apart for fun or ridicule their appearance or clothes...it is definitely a behavior that turns me off.

My thoughts are really about me...it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with them. It means I am not compatible with that kind of behavior so ultimately it speaks more about me than them....

Also...try this on for size...

IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME...

Repeat that until you believe it...even it it takes years...

[AlfredM]

I have to agree that he's most probably just nervous and this might take a while. Maybe try to do some activities that will shift his focus and relax him for the next date.

1) what will you do in this situation?
I would probably just ask him directly if he's nervous or is there something in his mind.

2) will you leave the restaurant halfway because the guy is behaving like a jerk?
He's not acting like a jerk. If he was checking his phone a lot,seemed uninterested with you,or not even trying to make the conversation flow,
I would call him a jerk.

3) will you be thinking why you even bothered to meet him in the first place?
4) will you feel embarrassed and ashamed to be seen with him in the restaurant by others?
Nop for both.

5) will you want to meet him up again?
Perhaps.. If I was into him. He actually text back after the date,I'd say he's worthy of a second chance.

6) will you consider such a guy for a relationship or as a boyfriend?
Too early to tell,thus the point of dating further.

7) will you assume that guy is awkward and lacking self-confidence and will that be a turn off for you?
I wouldn't judge him that quickly,but both qualities are turn off to me.

8) should the guy give up hope of being in a relationship because he has so much flaws?
Edit: Since you're that guy,no,you should never give up being in a relationship. There are lots of people with psychological disorder and still manage to be in a relationship,some that I heard was a bipolar guy. Just find a guy who's willing to accept you along with those symptom. And it's not like you're not doing anything about it either.

[MikeW]

Well, if I were in that situation I would be curious what was going on with the other guy. It's difficult to say in the abstract, you're asking us to guess what we would do in that situation but there are so many variables. On one hand, I'd be curious about what he was feeling and if there were anything I could do to make him feel more comfortable. On the other hand, if he was so nervous that he couldn't relax at all, couldn't even share with me what he was nervous about, then that would be troubling. Would I see someone like that again? It depends on whether or not there was anything else going on, how I feel about him, whether I'm attracted to him or not.

These are good and interesting questions to ponder but I wonder if they're the right questions for you to be asking? You put so much emphasis on what other people think about you, no *wonder* you're a nervous wreck!

There are many ways to look at this. One part of self confidence is not caring all that much what other people think about you. Perhaps you care, but you put it in perspective... Indeed as East is suggesting, what other people think about me says as much about them as it does about me, possibly even more. This isn't only a one way street, it isn't only about what they think of you, it's about what you think of them, too.

But most of all, it is about what you think about yourself. From what you've written in other threads, this is a huge issue for you and there have been many things happening that has reinforced your own insecurities about yourself. When we don't get positive affirmation from people around us, we tend to take that information in and use it against ourselves. This becomes a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: I'm afraid people won't like me and therefore people are less likely to like me because, at base, I'm having a difficult time liking myself.

It sometimes helps to take an honest and as close to objective assessment of ourselves as we can. We all have good qualities and not so good ones. We need to pay as much attention to the good ones as we do the not so good ones. We need to know what our strong-suits are, so to speak.

As for areas we need to work on ourselves, we need to see what it is we can and want to change about ourselves and what, in truth, we just can't or won't. The latter requires self-acceptance, accepting that I am as I am. Yet, too, not everything about me is set in stone. I can change certain things -- if I have good reason or motivation to do so. It's a bit tricky because if I try and make myself into something I'm not, perhaps to give someone what I think they want from me, when it isn't really something I want for myself, then this creates a kind of messed up situation. On the other hand, if I want to change because it is something *I* want for myself, that's a whole other matter.

So, the question is, how do you see yourself? As a general rule, people are more comfortable with other people who are comfortable with themselves. So, how does one get comfortable with one's self? Especially if one is 'wounded' in some way? It's actually a big question... and there may not be easy answers. But I believe how we sincerely feel about ourselves is a much more important question than how other people see us.

[Rareboy]

I would do everything I could to put the person at ease....even by telling him to relax because I won't eat him....at least not until later.

Some people won't be good with acutely shy people with social anxiety, but good guys will know that the trick is to find the right setting to create a safe space for their date to be themselves.

I guarantee you that the moment you meet the right guy.....you will be able to look into his eyes and the only reason you'll be shaking all over is because of the fun you are having in bed.

[JackTX]

/screams at the top of his lungs: "RELAX!"

Better or worse?

(Kidding :p)

If I liked the guy... thought he was any of these: cute/nice/a "good person", I could overlook a fair amount of nervousness. I don't know what my breaking point would be, but I would hope I could make him feel more relaxed by being relaxed myself and maybe saying it was ok if he was nervous because I was too, etc.

You could practice with friends maybe...

[araya]

oh well, you got me mad for nothing there
I really want to pepper spray the heck outta you the first time I read this
if that's the case, have a little more confidence in yourself
try making a less awkward atmosphere and well, you CAN tell the other party if you're nervous
they'll understand or some people will think of it as "how cute!"