Feel Like Absolute Crap

[Tomnick83]

Hey Guys,

I'm very happily married to an amazing man and have done something I can't seem to get over. A couple of weeks back I had a long overdue night out with a couple of friends. I got completely wasted and ending up dancing with some guy and I quickly kissed his neck. This may seem completely trivial to some, but I have never cheated on my husband or come close to it. I feel completely awful and feel like I betrayed him. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to tell him because it would cause him not to trust me and he would question our marriage and it's something that was 100% meaningless. I don't even know this person and no one did see me. I can't helping feeling so down about it and as much as I want to come clean, I don't want to do it for selfish reasons to only make myself feel better....what do you guys advise I do?

[palbert]

You have turned an innocent molehill into an imaginary mountain.

That, or your world as you know it is over.

Moving on!

[Bhp91126]

Just in case you're not a troll:
analyze what happened that lead you to stray,
take responsibility for your actions,
avoid the triggers (getting drunk, slow-dancing with a friend) in the future
and



forgive yourself.

[Tomnick83]

Thanks, not a troll, I think I was most upset that I let myself get to a point where I would dance like that with someone and then kiss him.

[LJay]

Sorry, but you did not cheat on anyone and your marriage is not in danger. You are feeling too much guilt over a very minor incident. Sure, you are not happy with it, but there really is not anything serious going on. Using your judgment to keep it to yourself and not going that route again is a lot more beneficial to your marriage than making a confession and causing a lot of stress where there is really no solid cause. Settle yourself, resolve not to let it happen again and then forget the whole thing.

[JackTX]

Hey Guys,

I'm very happily married to an amazing man and have done something I can't seem to get over. A couple of weeks back I had a long overdue night out with a couple of friends. I got completely wasted and ending up dancing with some guy and I quickly kissed his neck. This may seem completely trivial to some, but I have never cheated on my husband or come close to it. I feel completely awful and feel like I betrayed him. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to tell him because it would cause him not to trust me and he would question our marriage and it's something that was 100% meaningless. I don't even know this person and no one did see me. I can't helping feeling so down about it and as much as I want to come clean, I don't want to do it for selfish reasons to only make myself feel better....what do you guys advise I do?

First, if you were completely wasted and that's all you did: congrats

As for what you should do, it's going to be very hard for any of us to say for sure. We just don't know either of you or your relationship.

I don't doubt that you love your man. Sex isn't always connected to love for every guy in every encounter though. We many times fall into routines with our relationships and being with someone new can be a powerful bit of excitement for many people. And when you "get wasted," all bets are off.

Did you think about or want to do more with this guy at the time? How is your sex life at home? Are you thinking now about doing something with another or the same guy? Will you endless torment yourself if you don't tell your boyfriend? It was an indiscretion, and there are lots of good reasons to come clean but maybe some good ones not to.

And on the other hand, are you sure he's never had an indiscretion? I recently had a sort of relationship-breakthrough which involved total disclosure of all secrets that had accumulated over 11 years. We both had (mostly little) things that we had been hiding and I can't tell you what an unburdening it has been to just put it all out there and realize we're both humans, both guys, but that we still both very much love each other and value the relationship above anything else. We spent the full week after that smiling uncontrollably when we would see each other, mostly at just how stupid the keeping of secrets can be and how much you can worry about things that don't wind up mattering very much to the relationship. I don't know what will happen but I haven't felt so at ease in a long time.

Good luck. If you want to PM about it, hit me

And that's it, I'm going back to Breezy...

[Haruka]

You're so freaking cute. Thinking you cheated on him just by kissing someone on the neck. If I were your husband I'd give you a hug.
Seriously it's something so trivial. I once drunkenly nibbled a girl on the shoulder at a party thinking it was my girlfriend. She was a bit annoyed when I told her but that's it. If you're feeling this bad you should tell him and get it off your chest. I doubt he'll lose faith in you. On the contrary.

[Tomnick83]

First, if you were completely wasted and that's all you did: congrats

As for what you should do, it's going to be very hard for any of us to say for sure. We just don't know either of you or your relationship.

I don't doubt that you love your man. Sex isn't always connected to love for every guy in every encounter though. We many times fall into routines with our relationships and being with someone new can be a powerful bit of excitement for many people. And when you "get wasted," all bets are off.

Did you think about or want to do more with this guy at the time? How is your sex life at home? Are you thinking now about doing something with another or the same guy? Will you endless torment yourself if you don't tell your boyfriend? It was an indiscretion, and there are lots of good reasons to come clean but maybe some good ones not to.

And on the other hand, are you sure he's never had an indiscretion? I recently had a sort of relationship-breakthrough which involved total disclosure of all secrets that had accumulated over 11 years. We both had (mostly little) things that we had been hiding and I can't tell you what an unburdening it has been to just put it all out there and realize we're both humans, both guys, but that we still both very much love each other and value the relationship above anything else. We spent the full week after that smiling uncontrollably when we would see each other, mostly at just how stupid the keeping of secrets can be and how much you can worry about things that don't wind up mattering very much to the relationship. I don't know what will happen but I haven't felt so at ease in a long time.

Good luck. If you want to PM about it, hit me

And that's it, I'm going back to Breezy...

Thanks for the response, I think in the heat of the moment with lowered inhibitions I was tempted to, but did not act in them to go any further because I'm married and love my husband very much. I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. we have a good marriage and sex life. He travels a lot for work and we've had a stretch where'd I hadn't seen him in a while, so it felt nice to be desired at the moment. I don't know if he's ever had any indiscretions and frankly don't want to know if it's something fairly "innocent" like a kiss, I really don't think so. I'll stop beating myself over this and watch my drinking in the future! I never want to be in that situation again

[East]

I have been in a relationship for30 years next September....and I think putting everything on the table is really important.

Alot of people disagree with me but that is what I suggest...communication and honesty is the foundation of my relationship.....

Jack is right,...you are human...you are supposed to fuck up sometimes...it is part of life....

For me...keeping any secret would harm me...and harm my relationship. Every relationship is different though so listen to yourself before you listen to me

[MikeW]

I agree with the honesty option. If it is a healthy, solid relationship, this is the kind of thing that should be laughed about -- not a deal breaker, for heaven's sake!

One time playing around I set my partner's long haired cat's tail on fire. I was stoned and just screwing around and flicked the Bic lighter at it's tail which instantly ignited! The cat took off like a bottle rocket bouncing around the living room. No harm was done except for a badly singed area of cat fur.

WELL.... when asked later in the day what had happened to Clay's tail, I just couldn't fess up. I just felt so awful and somewhat horrified at what his reaction was going to be. Some days later, however, we were lying on the beach and I said, "Um... you know how I said Clay had gotten his tale too close to a candle?" "Yeah?" "Well, that wasn't exactly the truth. In fact it wasn't the truth at all. The truth is, I set his tale on fire with a Bic lighter." He looked at me with rather a surprised expression. "I didn't *mean* to!! -- I was just screwing around and flicked the lighter at his tale, I never thought I'd actually catch his tale on FIRE!" Well, my partner proceeded to start laughing almost as hysterically as I had, both at the thought of Clay bouncing off the walls like a ... well, a cat on fire ... and by how MORTIFIED I'd gotten at the thought of him finding out.

So... I'd say, chances are this is NO BFD. OR, if it is, then this truly minor indiscretion is just a symptom of a much bigger, unacknowledged problem