I have recently met a very nice guy and we've really hit it off. Meeting online our main goal was to hookup but when we met in person, something sparked both of our interests and we held off on the hookup and decided to date. On our first meeting he was very upfront and honest about his life. He is 36 years old, has a 16 year old son, and is NOT out to anyone in his life. His family is very religious, both parents are passed, he would not strike you as a gay man if you did not know.
We have been seeing each other for three months and have both fallen for each other. We spend as much time together as we possibly can. His son has a lot of extra-curricular activities and we work similar work schedules so we often have a few hours a day to spend with each other and two days a week we have practically the entire day together. He is very romantic and loves to spend as much time with me as I do with him.
I have accepted the fact that he is not out and have no intention of pushing him into something that he is not ready for. The more time that passes, the more he talks about wanting to come out to his son and the important people in his life. I continue to be supportive but try not to offer an opinion or recommendation, as I want this to be his decision and not affected by me. My friends and family are against my being with him as they think he will eventually hurt me. I understand their concern, but feel as if this will not happen.
I guess my goal in writing this is to see if anyone else has been in this type of situation and what was your experience.
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he sounds like a decent guy from what you write.
why do your friends and family think he will hurt you?
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While coming out can change a person he is 36. I'm sure he'd really only be coming out so he can share his family with you. I don't think you have anything to worry about. If he was 18 and not out I'd be warning you but in this case nah.
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The only real issue appears to be his son. Right now, there's time for you both, but if the kid is on vacation, or home sick, do you just hold off on seeing him until he's out of the house again? Living a double life like that can get tricky. I wouldn't necessarily push him into coming out, but let's just say given the current situation, it's something that's probably going to need to happen sooner rather than later.
Lex
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it seems he's very serious about you, coming out at his age wouldn't be a problem either, I think
in my case, he keep it a secret from his 2 sons cause well, they're too young
I think all you can do now is to keep supporting him and let him to take his time to come out
or well, you can keep it a secret and live a double life like what's been stated by Lex
your family is right and wrong at the same time
everybody hurts, you'll be hurt eventually even if you don't date him
but if you take this chance to strive for your 'love', there's a chance of getting yourself happiness instead of being hurt
*oh well, look who's talking*
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My friends and family fear that I will be hurt because they aren't sure how he will take the reactions of his friends and family when he does come out. Their main concern is that he will, for some reason, blame me for the people that may not accept him. The majority of these people in my life, saying this to me, are straight people who have never been down this road.
As time passes, he becomes more and more comfortable with the idea of coming out and relieving that pressure he feels to keep up with so many falsehoods. His main concern is that his son will be forced to deal with unnecessary stress at school should any of his peers find out that his father is gay. His son talks about his gay friends or friends who have gay parents, so the boy is aware of these situations and has never had a negative comment about them. I think the more that he hears these stories and the more support he feels, he will become more and more comfortable.
I appreciate all of your responses, I know how I feel inside and how I want this to work out. I am realistic in the sense that I know nothing ever happens the way we plan it in our heads. I pray for him that the climate is different that it was for me 16 years ago when I came out. I see a difference, and I feel more accepted than I did back then.
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If the relationship is going well, nurture it. If he needs support, try to give it. If it gets crazy, you may have to reconsider but there's no reason to otherwise. No guy is going to be problem-free. If he's being honest about his issues, you guys already have a leg up on most couples.
Well, maybe two legs IDK, I mean it's 3:25 in the afternoon but I try not to judge !
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noahsARC Wrote:My friends and family fear that I will be hurt because they aren't sure how he will take the reactions of his friends and family when he does come out. Their main concern is that he will, for some reason, blame me for the people that may not accept him. The majority of these people in my life, saying this to me, are straight people who have never been down this road.
As time passes, he becomes more and more comfortable with the idea of coming out and relieving that pressure he feels to keep up with so many falsehoods. His main concern is that his son will be forced to deal with unnecessary stress at school should any of his peers find out that his father is gay. His son talks about his gay friends or friends who have gay parents, so the boy is aware of these situations and has never had a negative comment about them. I think the more that he hears these stories and the more support he feels, he will become more and more comfortable.
I appreciate all of your responses, I know how I feel inside and how I want this to work out. I am realistic in the sense that I know nothing ever happens the way we plan it in our heads. I pray for him that the climate is different that it was for me 16 years ago when I came out. I see a difference, and I feel more accepted than I did back then.
if he's like that and in the end his son give a good response then why not?
but if he think it's too much for his son then you can just not tell him for a while and tell him later when you think he's ready
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noahsARC Wrote:My friends and family fear that I will be hurt because they aren't sure how he will take the reactions of his friends and family when he does come out. Their main concern is that he will, for some reason, blame me for the people that may not accept him. The majority of these people in my life, saying this to me, are straight people who have never been down this road.
that's like not going to a concert because you're afraid a loudspeaker might fall on your head. sure, it's not impossible, could happen, but mostly it's a predictive irrational fear.
my point is, you can't protect yourself from all the hurt in the world. and the possibility of getting hurt is not a sufficient reason not to live, to not give it a chance. he might end up hurting you, but that's a possibility in EVERY relationship between two people. things happen, you can't predict the future. people hurt people all the time, and a lot of the time you do not see it coming one way or another. your purpose is to live the present and make the most of it. and hopefully, the foundations you lay down in the present tense will build a strong ground for the future to stand upon.
airplanes fail and crash from time to time from unintentional weather or technical reasons. pilots still fly airplanes though. it would be irrational for the human race to give up flight just because weather and/or technical problems cause occasional crashes. what your friends and family are advising you is analogous to advising the human race to give up flight.
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Depends on how his being in the closet will affect this 'us' you two have going on.
Most gay men who are out grow weary of being forced back into a closet for their partner who is in the closet. Something about always pretending to be 'just a friend' or 'just the roommate' ends up not sitting well for the out partner. Of course most of us who are out went through the 'living a lie' phase and grew tired of living that lie, thus don't want to do it ever again.
However if you can keep up with this indefinitely and don't mind him calling you 'his friend' to members of his family, or being hidden totally from everyone else, then it can work out.
Eventually he is going to have to face this music and come to terms with who and what he is and come out.
Those who mention that this can end badly when he comes up are not far off the mark. "straight dudes" who come out usually end up having issues with their partner. Since he has done the 'straight thing' by having a girlfriend if not a wife and kids, chances are higher that he will turn around and blame you for his being gay or the bad rap he gets for coming out gay than if he was just a man who didn't have a serious straight history.
I do know him, I do not know where he is in the whole self acceptance thing when it comes to his sexuality.
Is he playing a straight life currently? you know dating women or married to one? If so then chances are pretty high this will end badly.
If, however, he is single and is working toward accepting his homosexuality then these other issues may not poise a problem.
Seems to me that those people who warn you here have more data to work with that you didn't give us. That or they see/know something about him which you do not.
I would strongly suggest you ask them why, on what grounds, that they give this warning. Trust me, we fail to see the dangers that others can clearly see when we are up close and personal to the bear/wolf/tiger...
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Will it work?
