Advice for helping my brother depressed secret gay.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I would suggest sitting back and giving him some room to get comfortable with the fact that you know and accept him no matter what.

You've pretty much rocked his world, yeah? Pushing after having done that could have adverse consequences.

Now, if a few years down the road he's still showing interest towards men but hasn't made any steps in that direction to go beyond fantasy? THEN, maybe give a couple of nudges to see how he's doing on accepting himself and his preferences.

[JackTX]

It sounds like he has quite a lot of embarrassment about you knowing he likes dick, which is understandable. In the world you guys WERE in, that was unthinkable. But if he's saying he can't imagine putting a dick in his mouth or ass and he's been watching gay porn, he's... lying

If you want to be "on the inside" of this instead of watching him work it out for himself, you need to re-balance that situation. If you guys are all used to talking about girls and what you'd do with them, maybe you should keep engaging him about what kind of guys he likes, point out some guys and say "Do you like him?" Make sure he knows it's ok, that you understand he's the same in your eyes but "just likes guys instead." His embarrassment should lessen eventually.

If you're really brave, take him out for some beers at a gay bar. Shoot some pool. Tell him you're just going there as a group and leaving together, no pressure.

I guess you could send him here too...

Oh, and don't call it a "lifestyle choice." I know it seems some people do have a choice, and some seemingly do, but for many/most of us it really never was. Zero attraction to women. Zero. That doesn't leave much of a choice.

Good luck to you both.

[bluerealm]

So we had a talk for about an hour just now. I was very sincere and calm and told him that i knew the secret he was living with and that i was ok with his lifestyle choice he had made and that i know hes different than me and that I love him and care about him and that it changes nothing. He was denying everything and acting like he didnt know what i was talking about and he was shirtless because he just got out of bed (probably not the best timing but our schedules are very different and thats the only chance i have to talk.) He was sweating all over his entire body as i talked about how i knew as he was saying he didnt know what i was talking about. So i stood up and told him to stand and i hugged him and said i cared and loved for him and that its ok. He stopped sweating so bad and said he was curious about other men and that he has never acted on his feelings but he does look at gay porn and has looked into some chat rooms and things like that. Step one of admitting to some of this is huge as his communication is not very good. I told him i was proud of him for admitting it to me and that i was happy for him to relieve the burden. I made it clear that i gain nothing from this conversation and that it was all for him to feel better about himself and not have to carry this secret. He said he felt uncomfortable talking to me about it and his thoughts were that i was now looking at him differently than before. Honestly and surprisingly i really am not looking at him any different i think ive always known deep down inside so in reality i dont think anything has changed on my end. In the end he said he was very surprised at how i handled it and he thought i would not want to live with him any more. He said he is appreciative that i handled it so well and that it was the opposite of what he expected. Thanks for the advice im glad i didnt push him farther away and that everything went positive. He said i was the first person he ever told and that he didnt want our mother to know because of what it will do to her. She is very loving and would accept him although it would be a burden on her mind and may even make her cry. So i will respect his privacy and leave that to him. He says that he never has acted on his feeling towards a man and that he probably never will and that he cant imagine putting anything into his ass or sucking a penis. I however do think he is gay and just hasnt accepted this fact yet and is in denial. Do i just sit back and be supportive at this point or try and get him into better touch with his true feelings? Is he just curious and going through a stage? Any opinions or advice is welcomed I understand if i need to just leave the situation alone now but I just want whats best for my bro and for him to be happy and i dont know if he can be if still confused or in denial.

"he cant imagine putting anything into his ass or sucking a penis."

being gay is not about ass or sucking penis. its about the act of showing love. I'm a gay man who is not attracted to women. He doesn't understand what it is to be gay. he has to figure that out for himself. you have no clue what its like to be gay cause you're not gay.

i wish you the best.

"he cant imagine putting anything into his ass or sucking a penis."

WOW

[matty7]

I do like your post Jackbone - and I agree about the part about his lifestyle choice - for me it was never a choice , I am gay, cant change it...and in some country's you will be killed so im sure if it was multiple choice you wouldn't pick gay

this is your fist time in asking him so why not leave it at that for now, he knows you know ...if he wants to say anymore he will , but he did say he doesn't want to suck a penis or put anything into his ass ......not so shy then.

please don't be a troll

[Camfer]

Do you have any friends who are gay? You could invite them over and hang out with them at a time when your brother might meet them. You don't have to tell them your brother is into men. It sounds like your brother needs to get to know some positive gay role models so he can learn more about himself and how to make it in the world.

[Darius]

He'll get over his aversion to cock sucking and ass fucking. No worries there.
You've had the discussion with him now, so let it all sink in for him and show him with your actions
that you love him unconditionally.

I think I read somewhere (on the internet maybe?) that the best way for a straight brother help his gay brother accept himself is to suck his dick for him so he knows he is really cool with his sexuality.

[Hereformybro]

Alright thanks for all the info ill leave it as it is. I did try to show interest like one recommended and i asked what kind of guys he was into. I also agree that it is not a choice for many people and thats exactly what i told him when we talked. I just used that choice of words as to not offend anyone. Appreciate the help here I think he will feel better down the road as he finds himself and comes to accept it.

[Borg69]

You could show him this site so he can come here for moral support.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

62400 repetitions make one truth - Brave New World

Here is how this whole thing works. Each time you make a gay joke, or used gay as a negative or just came out and said 'kill all fagots' or something equally horrific, you have made a repeating of a truth until now it is a truth.

You cannot undo 62,400 repetitions with one counter truth. Instead you will need 62,4001 repetitions of the new truth you want to instill.

Problem here is this is homosexuality. So you not only have to counter your own judgement of his sexuality in a negative light, you also have to try (good luck) in countering the negativity of a society which says things like 'that movie was so gay' and 'That car is just sooooo gayyyyyy.'

It might help if you take a serious pro-gay stance. Instead of laughing when the next gay joke comes around say something like 'uncool man'. Instead of accepting the word gay in common language as a negative you can say something like 'Well a car doesn't have sex, and this makes the assumption that gay people are somehow bad.'

You need to undo years of torment by taking a proactive anti-tormentor stance. But I suspect you can't do this because you clearly have no clue about what being gay is:

"He pretty much is the opposite of the stereotypical gay He is dirty poor hygiene no interest in art or clothes etc."

I thought you said you were tolerant of homosexuals? If so, then why this blatant display of intolerance by ASSUMING that to be gay one has to fit some stereotype? You assume all gay men have interest in art, clothes and this concept of what was that word ' hygiene.....?

Gay looks and acts like everyone else. Yes there are grunge gay as well as goth gay and jock gay and average joe-gay and nerd gay and.... you name it there is a cure for it... Oops sorry, a gay for it.

The other problem here is you 'found evidence' he is gay. Unless you caught him in the act of sex with another man you found no evidence of his sexuality. And even if he was having sex with another man that doesn't necessarily mean he is gay.

A person is gay when they label them self as such.

This is depression, depression may have many causes. To assume its 'the gay thing' will not address other potentials here which may in fact be the real cause.

He needs a doctor to diagnoses and figure out the underlying cause. Sure it could be situational - as in he is gay in an un-accepting world, but it could also be that its because he works a lot and is depressed that he doesn't have a real life. It could also be chemical, which no amount of situational changes or your attitude changing will fix. but they have drugs for that.

I assure you if you confront him he is gay he most likely will not respond well. He will think you are setting him up to come out and be bashed.

Instead confront the depression not what you think is the cause, but the depression itself.

BTW poor hygiene is often a symptom of depression, its not a symptom of hyper-heterosexuality or lack of a healthy homosexual identity.

[Beaux]

Personally, I would just like to say that I think you are a fantastic brother! Not only have you managed to over come your own homophobia (no small feat considering most homophobes never seem to accomplish it), but you are also making an active effort to help your brother feel comfortable with himself out of both your love for him and your desire to see him happy and safe! Bravo! Bravo!
Overall, you have recived some really great advice from other forum members, so there isn't really anything I can think to add to it, except perhaps to ignore the "Negative Nancys". They come in all walks of life too, just like gay folks!
Best of luck!
~Beaux