Just got over an extreme anxiety flare up

[Arkansota]

I have realized that not everyone at the school I go to is accepting of gay people and some people are downright nasty. I found this out through an app on my phone since I really don't have social contact with anyone (this is mostly by choice, I feel like I'm just meant to be alone most of the time) and it has given me some feelings that I wish I didn't have. I have a family history of suicide so that may explain why I think about it so often- I don't plan it, but sometimes I have that urge.

Unfortunately, the fucking school that I go to does not have a counsellor- Supposedly they're "still searching". I need someone to talk to when I have these extreme anxiety flare ups.

I'm probably going to end up coming here to express these feelings because I do sometimes feel like I have the potential to be a danger to myself, notably because I have tried to injure myself out of sheer frustration with the fact that some people do not accept me. There are virtually no mental health services in Arkansas so I feel like I'm especially vulnerable.

[bluerealm]

I have seen your face before in real life. I don't think i know you.

any how....

I have had people threaten to break my legs. One of my neighbors was going to try and take my house from me by suing me. Someone thought about shooting me so i would lose my house.
I know how nasty people can be. I have been fighting back but i have to stop.
This is just making me bitter and someone is going to kill me.

My anxiety and depression came from people. I'm talking gay people as well.

this is not my site and I'm not trying to take over. I don't think they would mind if you needed to vent here.

People suck. I try to find positive things in life.
But thats kind of hard when people just want to tear apart other people.
Being positive all the time gets on my nerves to.

I'm not going to tell you that every thing is going to be ok when someone gets nasty.

how do i deal with people that think i have aids and don't want me to even handle their food?

what do i say to my boss who is trying to run a business but people leave cause of me.
you can't reason with these people.

some people get a kick off of you being in pain.

i have no problem venting so please do the same.

the only thing i have to do now is find the donation button. do they take visa or paypal?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Where ever you meet a large group you will meet at least one hater.

Its kinda sorta a law of the universe.

I thought you had a therapist already. Or is that another one of you kids?

Thoughts of suicide can range from day dreaming about how life will suck for all the miserable you leave behind once you are gone, to thinking of ways of how to do it. So knowing what kind of thoughts you are having, day dreaming sorts, thoughts of actually doing it???

Saying 'I wish I was dead' is a common enough phrase people say, even those who are not actually depressed but saddened in some other way, which is a thought of suicide.

My point is that knowing in what context your thoughts are can pretty much help you figure out how serious this is. We all have bad days and wish the easy way out but in deeper contemplation don't really wish it.

[Rareboy]

Just because your school doesn't have a counsellor doesn't mean that you don't have any resources to turn to to talk to someone.

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/arkansas...lines.html

Also helpful:

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/support-center

And never hesitate to reach out here on these boards. Many have gone through the tough times and emerged stronger for it.

[Hardheaded1]

Friend, I'm glad to hear you are reaching out.

Sometimes, when we are stressed, it causes us to have a sort of fatalism or negativism that skews the real world and keeps us from seeing a rope that leads us up and out of the well. In this case, I think your unfamiliarity with Arkansas is keeping you from seeing the rope.

My sister lives less than 20 mins. from you at Knoxville, Arkansas. I have several immediate family members in Russellville, and lived in Arkansas for more than 40 years. Whereas it is true that the state is rural and is dominated by typical conservatism of such a place, it is not true that there are not progressive people all around you that support gays. You may just not know where to look for them.

From your post and your location, is it a safe assumption that you attend the University of the Ozarks? If so, it was founded by Cumberland Presbyterians but is an institution now of the Presbyterian Church USA. I am a member of a congregation here in Albuquerque, and it is one of the most vocally pro-gay churches in the U.S. Although your local campus may indeed reflect a conservatism, the denomination is very much on your side. Have you visited the national website?

http://www.pcusa.org/

Whether you are Presbyterian or not, or religious or not, the clergy of your PCUSA churches in nearby Ft. Worth and Russellville and Conway would be very supportive with helping you find counselling if you really want it.

Additionally, my sister works with a local office of the state and she knows what is available from Arkansas. She's a very laid back person and I'm sure you would find her non-threatening to talk with over the phone if you want more information, or I could serve as a conduit.

Please PM me if you'd like more information. Don't isolate too much, as you need some lifelines out there since you are so far from home in Minnesota. With Christmas coming, depression heightens for many, so do your part in reaching out and help stem it before it deepens.

Hope this helped. I know it seems personal, but our lives are personal, and we have to just accept that bit of help from time to time. That's what living in community means. You are surrounded there in Clarkville and Arkansas by many people who believe in gay rights and support you. Know that.

Here are a few links that show you that you are not alone:

http://www.meetup.com/LGBT-Group-of-Central-Arkansas/

http://www.newbeginningsofcar.org/links.htm

http://www.ualr.edu/alliance/

http://www.hrc.org/states/arkansas

http://www.arkansasmatters.com/story/d/s...8x_YeFeOHQ

http://www.nwacenterforequality.org/

http://www.rainbowlaw.org/html/directoryAR.htm

http://groups.psychologytoday.com/rms/pr...R&spec=172

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rm...R&spec=172

http://www.arktimes.com/ArkansasBlog/arc...-speaks-up

You even have a gay rodeo association active in the state:

http://www.dsra.org/

Here are counselling services in your area. I'm sorry to say, I don't know which ones are ok, but you might just start calling to ask:

Birch Tree Communities, Inc.
522 Mills Road
Clarksville
72830
501-303-3174

Alternative Opportunities, Inc. DBA: Dayspring Behavioral Health Services
1000 East Main
Lamar
72846
479-733-0400

Birch Tree Communities, Inc.
706 Brown Street
Clarksville
72830
501-303-3224

Conway County Community Service, Inc.
106 Cherokee Lane
Clarksville
72830
479-754-7296

Perspectives Behavioral Health Management, LLC
311 Central Street
Clarksville
72830
479-754-0277

Counseling Associates, Inc.
1021 Poplar Street
Clarksville
72830
501-754-8610

Please know that I yet struggle with suicidal thoughts and impulses even today, but not as strong as I once did, so I do know what you are feeling. I've been in the well right where you are.

[Rareboy]

^ Excellent list of resources.....

[LJay]

Arkansota, bluerealm and anybody else who sees this, please feel free to come here and talk. It may not be face to face, but people here do care and are glad to help if they can.

[BrianNorth]

It may help or not but I've got an anxiety disorder and struggled with it for a long time. Video here:

[Arkansota]

I feel like, even if it doesn't result in anything, thoughts of suicide are a sign that you are experiencing very deep pain and that you need to reach out to someone. And my therapist is over 700 miles away in Minnesota so I'm glad I can reach out to you guys and be honest instead of trying to hide my thoughts. Thank you for your support.

I am glad that I have a place where I can be honest about how that pain has affected me instead of being scared that people will react negatively to that.

[LutheranGuy]

If you are suicidal at anytime dial 911 immediately and tell the dispatcher.