Looking for Monogamy

[Rareboy]

I'm 28 now; looking for monogamy. I feel like I can't concentrate, because I refuse to sleep around and every day I long to hold someone and love someone, and be loved both mind body spirit forever. The loneliness drags me down a lot, and it takes all my strength to keep going. I'm handsome, but not a super-model; a lot of people have taken advantage of me and thrown me away for other people, and all it's done is eroded my boundaries and health in so many ways to see such a godless side of life. The worst part is that I'm undiagnosed with Asperger's, and the depression from all the promiscuity and betrayal atop the autistic abuse makes it difficult to keep my spirits up and find a job. Sometimes I think I should just end my life; I'm a poet, and very passionate about life. This deprivation, emotional torture, and frustration should never exist. I do love life, but I'm beginning to wonder if this is the wrong life for me.

Oh wow.

Let's start at the beginning. You need a proper psychological evaluation for Asperger's and possible associated and addressable behavioural issues.

You then need proper counselling and treatment for your depression; I doubt if lack of monogamy is the only issue here. A lot of depression is grounded in anxiety and anxiety can have a physiological as well as environmental basis.

The only way that you are going to move forward is with a good solid foundation for your physical and mental health. And the only way that this is going to happen is if you choose to be a full and enthusiastic partner in this process.

Best of luck.

[Wolfpack]

For a start seek out the right medical help you need, do not suffer in silence or on your own. Try to find things to indulge in that you like doing, work on activities and projects that make you happy or try to find new ones to take part in. Reach out to people in your life let them know how you feel.

Remember you are not the only one to struggle in life, but things can and hopefully will get better for you. As for a partner , stick to your values there are plenty of people who feel and want the same as you.

[unisus]

Thanks; I don't think I'm looking for a partner to "fix" me, but yes to help complete me as I function better as a partner than a lonewolf. The human spirit animates the body, and without the joyous monogamous duty, I certainly feel meaningless a lot. Part of accepting me is that I have struggles and meltdowns; I've done my best to stablize.

[JackTX]

Do you have friends, [MENTION=22058]unisus[/MENTION]? They can be easier to acquire than the elusive The One and be a wonderful (and fun) 'distraction' until you do find him.

I am glad [MENTION=12444]Bowyn Aerrow[/MENTION] is here today to give such good advice

[unisus]

Thanks everyone. I have friends but I have boundaries; that's why I have real friends. Also, I do not change brotherhoods into sex either or fantasize about it. Just sayin', I know how summa y'all be doin'.

[Virge]

.............. and the depression from[/U] all the promiscuity and betrayal atop [U]the autistic abuse makes it difficult to keep my spirits up and find a job. Sometimes I think I should just end my life;

I can be with anyone so long as we click and are both committed, physically compatible.
As for self-diagnosing, there's no doubt in my mind; I studied psychology and human-nature for years to understand myself and others.

Thanks; I don't think I'm looking for a partner to "fix" me, but yes to help complete me as I function better as a partner than a lonewolf. The human spirit animates the body, and without the joyous monogamous duty,
I certainly feel meaningless a lot. Part of accepting me is that I have struggles and meltdowns; I've done my best to stablize.

I broke a little rule i came up with about posts like yours when I came to the part about you being suicidal. I responded before you had made other comments besides your original post that can be very insightful and give a clearer idea of the problems. Here's a few VERY insightful phrases you used.

".... all the promiscuity and betrayal...." ".... the joyous monogamous duty... "
I've heard those two basic abstractions come from gay guys so many times I want to scream. It comes out the same as saying this if you go back and read everything you wrote. >>>

"Other gay guys are cheating low down unreliable worthless, shallow scum so I'm going to pretend that I'm the perfect person who makes no mistakes and is too good for the lying cheating men rather than get off my butt and do something about the real problems I have in building a relationship."

[COLOR="Blue"] You directly mentioned some problems you may have.. aspergers, depression, lack of concentration, loneliness, "autistic abuse" (WTF izzat?) deprivation, emotional torture, and frustration, tourettes, severe OCD, social problems....

Some problems were indirectly referenced like.... this one that stands out above all things you wrote,,,[/COLOR]
"As for self-diagnosing, there's no doubt in my mind; I studied psychology and human-nature for years to understand myself and others."
[COLOR="blue"]Obviously you do not understand psychology, human nature, yourself or others as well as you think or you would have figured all this shit out on your own before now, right? Dude, my dad's a MD who has wrongly self diagnosed so many times it's a family joke.

And then you broke out a fresh can of dumb to say this, [/COLOR]
"I don't think I'm looking for a partner to "fix" me, but yes to help complete me as I function better as a partner than a lonewolf."
[COLOR="blue"]Is that the same as saying you are emotionally demanding and needy? Not self reliant and emotionally secure with yourself? Does that mean you're not trying to improve yourself, work to solve some of your problems and become a better >> and more complete<< individual and increase chances of finding a partner rather than bitch about promiscuity and betrayal while you hold hold out for the joyous monogamous duty? (where did you come up with that term anyway?)

Not having a relationship at this point n your life is the best thing you have going on right now. You need to work on getting your issues under control before dumping them into someone else's life and blaming it on them when they take a hike just for self preservation.[/COLOR]

[JackTX]

Thanks everyone. I have friends but I have boundaries; that's why I have real friends. Also, I do not change brotherhoods into sex either or fantasize about it. Just sayin', I know how summa y'all be doin'.

Ohhhhhh.... I wasn't meaning you should sleep with them :p

I just meant you could be having fun hanging out with friends vs. feeling lonely (if you were). Some people sit around and be mopey about their single-dom.

[East]

Does promiscuity in general depress you?...or is it just with a few selected people?

Thing is...I am completely monogamous but I would suspect you are a bit too judgemental and idealistic about people to be able to see that and frankly if anyone talked like that I would run as fast as I could because I know what comes along with that kind of thinking.....wire hangers and cold cream :eek:....

I am going to tell you something you probably don't want to hear but given your post(s)...something you need to hear....

I worked behind the bar in a gay nightclub for 20 years and I know a thing or two about relationships and people....and since I have had exactly what you claim to want for 30 years...I also know how to go about getting it....

I watched guys that sounded just like you sit there and go on about what men should act like...who they should be....or what was wrong with all the "other" gay men...and that is a MAGNET for sociopaths and narcissists and opportunists and garden variety liars who take it as an invitation to tell you whatever it is you want to hear...and you make it easy. They will agree with you about "how terrible the others are"...it is almost by the numbers how it unfolds....

The way out of this...take responsibility for your role in every one of your relationships...seriously..."loving too much" and being "Polly Pure" is never the real story

When one person is the victim in every relationship they have and then assumes the role of a victim in life.....there is a disconnect somewhere. It will be the nicest thing you can do for yourself to own your own shit.

[unisus]

Love is not a hobby to me, but an obligation as I am wired for it. I haven't been perfect and I don't think all men are scum, but with every heartbreak I have become weaker. I am not too demanding or pretentious; I do think there is a problem with people expecting me to be perfect. Many have seen a handsome, creative, witty man with values and a wild side, then yea, narcissists have stepped up to try to "fill my hole". I am in too much pain to pretend that it isn't real; monogamy is a choice, not a story to try out. Given the gay rights movement and social destruction of true monogamy in the name of consumerist "dating", and because I am stereotypically physically beautiful, I do feel that finding men who match me are expecting me to be some slut-toy for a while regardless of my beliefs.

But I am human, not a computer or a pornstar; I am not a photograph or a video game character. I have real opinions, goals, challenges, and unfortunately a history of abandonment. Again, I am not perfect, but when I commit to someone I don't throw them away for some "happier" or "different" model. There are real casualties in this story. I have friends who are prostitutes, porn stars, and married; I have my own feelings, and again, every heartbreak that "is just a casual part of life" is emotional murder on my heart.

As for people "taking on my problems": The meaning of life requires empathy. Im not going to pretend I don't have social issues; I have a form of autism. Some people are misdiagnosed, but I know what's in my heart and at least for the time being Asperger's 99.99% is fitting. I'd be okay to learn I don't have it, but I'm confident I do.

[unisus]

Promiscuity in general depresses me; a culture where people create emotional connections then slaughter them for materialistic or petty reasons is pretty atrocious. In my perspective, it is part of the culture of consumerism; rather than actually offering people the life that they need, a generation of "self-help" books and fear has been created, along with superficiality. My life hasn't been perfect; I think I'm fairly emotionally secure, but I am not invincible. Additionally, when you love someone, you open yourself up to vulnerability.

I'm by no means perfect, nor have I been; I have friends and experiences from all walks of life, but my mind body and spirit need familiarity and devotion. I am not just some big victim, but I have absolutely been victimized; I guess because I am stereotypically beautiful and artistic, along with from a family who did not love me sufficiently, I've been devoured by pigs. The trauma is enough to consider ending my life ... You know, put yourself out of your own misery as an act of mercy.