Confused and need Gay men's advice

[Ryansparks450]

i am very confused and need some guidance.
I am a married man but have had strong feeling that I might be gay and would appreciate some feedback just to make sure I'm not reading the tea leaves wrong.

As long as I can remembere I have always masterbated about bing with another guy. I always thought I would grow out of it. When I have sexual fantasies it's about being with a man. Recently I have had to think that my wife is another man while making love in order to climax.

The question is, am I making myself this way by thinking about it..... Really lost and confused and would like to hear from other gay men that can tell me if I should pursue a same sex relationship to see if it really is what I want .

[Rareboy]

Well...if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......

I don't think that there's any question that you are curious....and that there may be side to your sexuality that you haven't explored. It is pretty obvious that if you are only able to climax while imagining that your wife is another male.....there's fire where there's smoke.

But what to do?

I can't tell you to start fucking guys while you are still married to a woman unless you want to get her permission to do it? Is this a possibility? And is it just about sex or is there a chance that you may have emotional feelings for men as well?

Fork over the money and find yourself a homo friendly therapist to discuss this with to help you chart a course that will be the best for you and the woman you married.

Otherwise I fear that you may lock yourself and your emotional life right up and become isolated and resentful in your marriage....or that you may start furtively seeking out sex with men on the side and end up with anxiety and guilt over the betrayal of your spouse.

[MikeW]

We've talked at length in this forum about how sexuality, sexual preference and all that, isn't a black or white, either/or, situation. The only person who can really answer your question is you.

From the sound of it, you have homosexual fantasies and may, therefore, be a homosexual (note, I'm choosing a clinical term over the more ambiguous 'gay'). But if you've gotten to age 44 without having had any sexual contact with another male (have you?) I would assume you have also, at least at times in your life, had sexual fantasies about women (have you?). This puts the whole thing in another perspective which we sometimes call 'bisexual'.

But our sexual inclinations -- what turn us on erotically -- isn't all there is to this. There *are* (IMO, many disagree) straight men who have sex with other men but are *not* "gay". Here we're in the emotional territory of who, or what gender, one is drawn to emotionally. If you feel you have a strong, loving, emotional bond with your wife -- and have never felt strongly, emotionally attracted to another man -- then I'd say you may not be "gay" (although you may have homosexual tendencies).

See what I mean, not either/or -- it is, unfortunately, a bit more complicated.

My advices: See a psychologist and explore this. At some point you may also need to open up about it with your wife. That (in my experience) is tricky territory. But if you're having thoughts and feelings or urges that you're keeping hidden, secret, then that in itself is already an unhealthy dynamic within the relationship. But you really need to think about what value your marriage has for you -- are your feelings so strong and consuming it is worth risking your marriage for them?

I'll also add that it isn't unusual for men in your age group who have suppressed homosexual desire most if not all of their lives, to find themselves coming up against them at mid-life. You're now at a point where you see that life isn't 'forever' and some part of you that has been long denied is asserting itself. I'm just saying, I've seen this many times -- what is true for you I don't know.

In any case, if this is a serious issue that can affect your life, your marriage -- your sense of self and self worth -- it is one worth exploring with a professional. A forum may be a place to start but all you can find here are opinions that may or may not 'fit' your unique situation.

Welcome to the forum and feel free to participate however you wish.

[NerdMonastery]

I won't be surprised if I'm alone in this considering how so many gay men view sex as something barely sacred but the thing you need to remember is YOU'RE MARRIED!
Again this could just be me but I believe that cheating is a no-go no matter what circumstance.
Having a relationship on the side while you're married and committed to someone else reflects poor character and is very dishonourable to you and to the person you're cheating on.
You didn't exactly disclose whether you were thinking of cheating or not so I just said all that just in case.

If it's gotten to this point and you want to go about it an honest and proper way, I feel this is going to have to be a discussion you have with your wife. Maybe see a counsellor together or something but I feel the worst decision is to sleep around on the down low because, God forbid, you accidentally catch something and pass it onto your wife.

Communication is key, especially in a marriage, so this is probably not the answer you wanted but just remember that doing the honourable thing may not always be the easiest thing to do, or something you even want to do for that matter.
Just remember that because you're married, the decisions you make don't only affect you but your wife (and children if you have any) too.

[MountLogan]

Since you are married I will not recommend to pursue a same sex relationship while you are still with your wife (unless you are OK being unfaithful).

Since you are married I would recommend you see a sex therapist. Because it's not a decision you need to come lightly.

Reading your post, I feel they is a strong possibility you may be gay the fact you always masturbated thinking about an another guy + you think your wife is a guy in order to climax it's a strong indication they is something there. Have you ever fantasied your wife being another women?

[meridannight]

you don't say much.

you express finding being with a man sexually arousing. but do you find the way guys look attractive? are you attracted to them romantically? or is it just sex that you're into? i find it hard to believe a guy has lived to be 44 and be completely oblivious to his attraction to other men.

what brought on these questions if on the background you've always masturbated to other guys, as you say? what did you think it was before? for about 30 years now you thought you would grow out of it? really? what changed your mind now? is there some clock ticking off telling you after 30 years it's not just an inconsequential fantasy? why not at 20 years? or 40? something must have changed, but what is it? it can't be in a year number.

[Ryansparks450]

I have never fantasied about my wife being another woman, just a guy. The desire has been getting stronger lately and I even find myself checking guys out. I noticed I have a preference and have thought that in passing a man was hot.
I don't want to cheat on my wife, she means allot to me but I am getting to a point that these feelings are hard to ignore.

I would like to go to a gay bar to hang out and see if I'm comfortable with it. Not to hook up , just really immerse myself with other people that have the same feelings.

[MikeW]

I have never fantasied about my wife being another woman, just a guy. The desire has been getting stronger lately and I even find myself checking guys out. I noticed I have a preference and have thought that in passing a man was hot.
I don't want to cheat on my wife, she means allot to me but I am getting to a point that these feelings are hard to ignore.

I would like to go to a gay bar to hang out and see if I'm comfortable with it. Not to hook up , just really immerse myself with other people that have the same feelings.

But will they have "the same feelings"?

Men who haven't been in gay culture are clueless about what goes on in the variety of gay "scenes" that exist. Not all gay bars are alike. Your comfort level in one may be quite different than in another.

This is not to dissuade you from exploring, just be aware that you may be approaching this with rather a lot of naïveté.

EDIT TO ADD: Here in the Bay Area there is a "married men's group" that is a peer-facilitated weekly drop-in group of men who are married and coming to terms with their sexuality, much like you describe. I don't know if anything along these lines exist in LA but you might want to see if you can find something like this. This (IMO) might be a better situation than going to a bar. In such a group you might find others who are dealing with similar questions and issues. MOST gay men in bars have not lived in straight marriages (some, perhaps) and have not and are not dealing with the same issues you are.

[Ryansparks450]

meridiannite
What's changed is the intensity, also we have a few friends that are gay and I feel a motional bond with them. Having gay friends is rather new in my life and they seem brave to me. If it was just sexual I don't think I would pursue my thoughts, but I find the entire package more a more appealing.

With that said, I don't want to disgaurd the life I built....I feel like a coward.

[meridannight]

well, there's really no other way around it but to go and do it, if that's the way to settle your mind.

although, i never needed to go to a gay bar, or even have sex with a guy, before i already knew i liked men and wanted to be with them. i knew before i ever acted on it. i didn't need to 'try' out being gay, nor did i need to try women to know otherwise. i always knew. before i ever did anything with anyone.

how can you not know what you want?