Need Some Advice

[Vincee]

I am a twenty-year-old closeted gay guy and could need some advice.

I don't look gay, I don't act gay and I don't look/act very feminine and I am overall quite confident. I am pretty much a masculine gay guy, of which people expect to be interested in women.

I have basically been myself my whole life and never acted any different because of my sexuality. Except, of course, for expressing my feelings about guys.

It's funny how some tiny little lies makes my life so much easier. In this judgemental world that we live in, it is difficult for the most of us to be their true self. I can honestly say that I will not judge anyone, in any way, as long as YOU are happy and live life the way YOU want to; not what others expect from you. And to this day, I still cannot understand why someone would care so much about what other people are doing with their lives. Even if it does not affects them the slightest.

It's not that I am not happy at the moment: I am a second-year student at a University, have a bunch of friends and frequently go on trips and hang out with them. It's just that it's difficult to be my complete myself. Again, I don't have to act different, I simply have to lie about some past sexual experience with a girl and people believe that I am straight.

The reason I can talk about these "experiences" is because I have had sexual experiences and amazing moments, however, it was always with guys. The funny thing is that, as the stories are shared amongst friends, you notice that love between a man and a women and a man and a man isn't so different after all.

Sometimes I just think about going away somewhere to a different place, where no one knows me. Just going on a trip to experience my true self and not hiding anything and experience my true self.

Should I face all these judgements that lie ahead of me when I come out right now?Maybe, waiting until the student life is over, is the best solution for me? I am not sure anymore. Being the guy that all my friends expect me to be and lying about how amazing this single life is while, quite frankly, I am secretly dating guys. Because I am in fact afraid that this one little label - will change their opinion about me.

Is it worth to come out right now...?

I've listed some of the pro's and con's that I will face if I come out right now.

Pro's:

- Mom won't be bugging me anymore asking if I have a girlfriend.
- Mom will totally accept it. (Dad past away three years ago)
- I won't have to tell lies anymore about my love life.
- It will be less of a shock for her to find out now instead of telling her after I have a boyfriend.
- I will not fool any girl in my life (never really have).
- I won't live a secret gay life any longer.

Cons:

- Mom will not be able to keep her mouth shut and will tell her friends.
- Slightly homophobic sister might be in shock.
- I don't have a boyfriend now, so people might ask/think that I'm in love with every guy I see.
- I will be judged by my sexuality.
- People will call gay jokes on me. (I've not been teased in any way over the last many years)
- Final school years will be tough. (2 more years)
- I might lose some friends that are not accepting. Even though it is still unbelievable to me that this might be true.


If you've read everything: thank you. I really appreciate it. If you have any advice or experiences please let me know.

[BrianNorth]

You've very common feelings that people have while in the coming out phase. I can say a few things. Most will accept you and not give a shit. You're not putting it in their butt so it really changes nothing. If you lost some friends well they're not the kind of friends you want anyway.

It sounds like you're mostly living an out life. You're dating ppl etc just not being honest. Just be honest with people when asked. The only way I'd suggest not coming out would be reliance on parentals for financing school. If you're independant then they can come to terms with it on their own time.

[Virge]

Hi Vincee. Welcome to GS. Here's what I have to say.

You wrote.
Cons:

- Mom will not be able to keep her mouth shut and will tell her friends.
So you want her to be closeted about you coming out to her? You're worrying about things that will be very minor here. You'll be surprised how few of your mother's friends will think less of you for being gay.
- Slightly homophobic sister might be in shock.
How is your sister's unknown/possible reaction a logical cause for you to do things about things you don't know will happen? While you're at it be sure to buy yourself a boat and scuba suit in case Amsterdam sinks. Don't forget to wear your anti-meteor cap outside to keep space debris from knocking your brains out.
- I don't have a boyfriend now, so people might ask/think that I'm in love with every guy I see.
You need to worry way more about things you can change that will matter than things that don't matter and you can't change. People are going to think what they want to think no matter what you do.
- I will be judged by my sexuality.
If you stay on the course you're on you will be judged more harshly for lying about your sexuality by the same people who might judge you on your sexuality after you come out. People are going to think what they... ah crap... read the above answer.
- People will call gay jokes on me. (I've not been teased in any way over the last many years)
Read the answer above the answer above.
- Final school years will be tough. (2 more years)
Sit there and try to convince me your final 2 years of school are going to be harder if you come out as gay. I'd REALLY like you try to make that argument without acting like you have acrystal ball to see every possible thing that might happen. Your final 2 years of school are going to be harder if you lose your eyesight or have your legs cut off in a car accident. Have you already made plans for that?
- I might lose some friends that are not accepting. Even though it is still unbelievable to me that this might be true.
If you lose a friend after you come out how can that person have been a real friend? Have you considered that you WILL make new friends and very likely outgrow many more of your old friends that there will be of them that will not accept you?

[COLOR="Blue"]Basically, your whole list of cons is based in frog turds and unreasonable fears. There's not one thing on your list of "Cons" that is a certainty. If you intend to live your life totally consumed about "what if" "maybe" "what do I do if" "I'm afraid this might happen" you need to do it right. Make yourself a tinfoil hat and got live in a basement where you will be insulated from all uncertainties.
[/COLOR]

[MikeW]

Welcome to the forum Vincee.

Yours is a fairly typical dilemma. Should I be honest and let the cookie crumble as it may, or should I be less than honest and continue to lead a double life? (See the quote from Steven in my signature.)

You might ask yourself how you'd feel if someone you regarded as a friend was less than honest with you about something that mattered *to them*. For me it creates a kind of dissonance or disconnect, however valid their reasons for keeping a secret might be.

One thing is for sure: Anyone who has a prejudice against your sexual orientation is not a "friend," even though you may be 'friendly' with them. So, are you seriously going to miss having someone in your life who cant be accepting of who you are?

If you feel coming out now is going to interfere with your studies, that is a reasonable concern. But, on the other hand, how much is keeping yourself closeted affecting your studies? Sufficiently so, apparently, that you've sought out this forum and taken the opportunity to present a fairly clear picture of your situation, asking for advice.

Sounds to me sort of like you *want* to come out.

My advice (in this instance): Just do it. Get it over with. Tell the people who are important to you. Everyone else is on an 'as needs to know' basis. And if they find out through the grape vine, so what? You won't change. Yes, peoples' *perception* of you may change -- why wouldn't it? They now know something about you they didn't before that puts you in a new 'context'. Adjustments are made accordingly. Once *most* people get beyond that shock of re-evaluating what they *thought* they knew (takes a bit of time), things probably won't be all that different than they are now. Might even be better, easier, overall. As for jokes, that depends; we all need to laugh at ourselves, sometimes along with other people. If they're meant to be hurtful, well, sticks and stones. (HINT: 1] *Everyone* has something they're hiding. 2] Most people we interact with on a day-to-day basis barely give us a second thought -- those that do are the only ones that really matter.)

[MountLogan]

From what I read you need to come out because 1. lies eating your life right now and you express not being happy 2. because you are certain you are gay.

The advice I would give you would be to be honest with at least one person.
You don't have to come out all at once with your family and friend. You just have to do what is right for you. Everyone can come out in their own way.

But you could tell one person you trust - ideally a person you know wont tell the others-.
Being honest with that person may help and if it's going ok you may have the courage to tell another and so on.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

First off to the forum.

Your in a situation that is perhaps more typical than you may think.

Im older (52) very masculine, don't look gay, don't act gay, all the usual stuff. I was married for 15 years and I have 2 grown up daughters. Oh and I was in the military for 20 years. Talk about caught in a straight lifestyle

Anyway, I worked for NATO for a couple of years, and was always hugely jealous of the Dutch military guys I worked with in Maastricht. Long hair, beards, openly gay same sex relationships. And this was the late 80's/early 90's!

My point is this, the Dutch have always been very laid back and accepting about sex in general and same sex relationships. Fast forward to 2014, and I seriously doubt that there will be any significant social upheaval just because you decided to come out.

When I came out, I told close friends and work colleagues. I didn't tell mom until nearly 4 years later.

At the end of the day, the only advice people can honestly give on here, since we don't know you, is what do you want to do?

If your as masculine as you say you are, I seriously doubt that just because you've come out to some close friends and family that your suddenly going to get picked on by every other guy in school. People who come out find it very liberating. They don't usually get a rainbow tattooed on their forehead and start hitting on all their male friends

Pick a select number of close personal friends, male or female, and just tell them when your ready and on your terms.

You will be fine, the world won't end, and you'll feel great about yourself

[TwisttheLeaf]

I have very little advice about coming out, really. Although I will say that regardless of its occasional difficulties, living life genuinely and honestly is, IMO, far and above a better way to live.

I really just stuck my head in here, though, to tell you welcome to GS.

MikeW gives excellent advice on a consistent basis btw. His words carry weight, in my opinion.

[East]

I will keep it very simple...

Consider this:

It is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you aren't

Do with that what you will. It is my best advice on the topic of coming out.

[Hardheaded1]

Come out now. Younger is better. If it hardens you off a little due to some opposition, then maybe that is needed. If you are more popular now because you fail to take up for your gay brothers, then maybe those are ill-gotten friends. The truth is, closeted men are never gay supportive in their conversations -- it is too suspect, even in tolerant societies. So, by definition, your silence is a bit judgmental of your fellow gays by failing to defend them. The only way you could be so sure about anticipated ridicule is that you have countenanced it before about others and done nothing. Right?

Do yourself a big favor. Make the commitment now, take the step, and never look back. It will make you stronger, more honest, respectable, and ultimately help the world while helping your own path.

[Rareboy]

I am a twenty-year-old closeted gay guy and could need some advice.

I don't look gay, I don't act gay and I don't look/act very feminine and I am overall quite confident. I am pretty much a masculine gay guy, of which people expect to be interested in women.

I have basically been myself my whole life and never acted any different because of my sexuality. Except, of course, for expressing my feelings about guys.
[COLOR="Silver"]
It's funny how some tiny little lies makes my life so much easier. In this judgemental world that we live in, it is difficult for the most of us to be their true self. I can honestly say that I will not judge anyone, in any way, as long as YOU are happy and live life the way YOU want to; not what others expect from you. And to this day, I still cannot understand why someone would care so much about what other people are doing with their lives. Even if it does not affects them the slightest.

It's not that I am not happy at the moment: I am a second-year student at a University, have a bunch of friends and frequently go on trips and hang out with them. It's just that it's difficult to be my complete myself. Again, I don't have to act different, I simply have to lie about some past sexual experience with a girl and people believe that I am straight.

The reason I can talk about these "experiences" is because I have had sexual experiences and amazing moments, however, it was always with guys. The funny thing is that, as the stories are shared amongst friends, you notice that love between a man and a women and a man and a man isn't so different after all.[/COLOR]

Sometimes I just think about going away somewhere to a different place, where no one knows me. Just going on a trip to experience my true self and not hiding anything and experience my true self.

Should I face all these judgements that lie ahead of me when I come out right now?Maybe, waiting until the student life is over, is the best solution for me? I am not sure anymore. Being the guy that all my friends expect me to be and lying about how amazing this single life is while, quite frankly, I am secretly dating guys. Because I am in fact afraid that this one little label - will change their opinion about me.

Is it worth to come out right now...?

I've listed some of the pro's and con's that I will face if I come out right now.

Pro's:

- Mom won't be bugging me anymore asking if I have a girlfriend.
- Mom will totally accept it. (Dad past away three years ago)
- I won't have to tell lies anymore about my love life.
- It will be less of a shock for her to find out now instead of telling her after I have a boyfriend.
- I will not fool any girl in my life (never really have).
- I won't live a secret gay life any longer.

Cons:

- Mom will not be able to keep her mouth shut and will tell her friends.
So what? If she's cool with it, why not share?
- Slightly homophobic sister might be in shock.
So what? That is her issue, not yours. And you might be in for a big surprise.
- I don't have a boyfriend now, so people might ask/think that I'm in love with every guy I see.
So what? You know if you are or you aren't. Because you are true to yourself.
- I will be judged by my sexuality.
Not necessarily......if you are self confident and matter of fact about it...people will judge you by your other actions and achievements...not by whether you like the cock.
- People will call gay jokes on me. (I've not been teased in any way over the last many years)
Why do you think this? What kind of friends do you have anyway? And teasing???? Do you not have any sense of humour about yourself at all? Instead of being defensive, give back as good as you get.
- Final school years will be tough. (2 more years)
Why? Because the work will be harder? To be honest, I found being open about being a homo and having a BF liberating and ended up doing much better in my last two years of university because of it.
- I might lose some friends that are not accepting. Even though it is still unbelievable to me that this might be true.
If you lose anyone along the way...and yes you just might.....they were never your friends anyway. Friends don't love us in spite of what we are...they love us for everything we are.


If you've read everything: thank you. I really appreciate it. If you have any advice or experiences please let me know.

Hope this provides a bit of perspective for you.