Please Please gimme some advice..im going mad!

[babyboy]

Hey guys, first of all I didnt even check this website yesterday as I thought NO-ONE would reply, im so astonished theres people out there who are willing to spend their time to help me...trust me im not used to that at all. Secondly i want to say a huge thank-you for your comments, most of what you guys said is true and i know you guys must have had past experiences which is why you are giving me advice.

Right theres one thing i didnt mention which i didnt think would be relevent to the question but it seems like the root of the problem is more than this guy...well the answer for me not wanting to come out is....Im Indian. And if you are not indian yourself its almost impossible to understand how hard it is. Coming out is NOT an option, I would rather sacrafice my own happiness than do that to my family. Being an indian, theres shame that you would bring to your family and it can never happen. Ive thought many times about running away and starting a whole new life abroad even but im far too much of a coward and most importantly love my family to that to them...

This guy again has been on my mind all weekend, to be honest its not even a lust thing. I dont even think about him the sexual way that much, its more about how he can make me feel and take care of me even. I just think having someone like him in my life would change everything! Im guna see him tomorrow at work and i dont even want to talk to him because im scared of my feelings for him will increase!

There is NO-ONE i can talk to about this and to be honest never felt the need up until now.No friends or family would accept it, and i dont blame them for it either. I know this guy didnt mean to be offensive how would he know what i thought about him but its horrible to hear it. Ive thought all weekend about that one sentence just to make me happy that he thought i was "a great guy". You know what nothing is ever going to happen with him I know that as well but im just going have to get over it....

Again thank you guys so much for your replies...and to be honest I do feel VERY lonely in this because theres no-one i can talk to even though i have so many friends and family! And by the way not that is should make a difference but this guy is also white...

[Shadow]

Hokay, this is most definitely a multi-part scenario ...

If we were to remove this guy from the equation temporarily, I'd like to know a bit more about how you feel AS a self-accepted gay man (a closeted one, fine, but you accept in and of yourself that you are a homosexual yup ?) when that is contrasted against your family's strong anti-homosexual views. Are you potentially in-line for an arranged marriage further down the line ? Or is that not a practise that your family is keen on going forward with ? I might be a bit out of touch with Indian practices, so sorry if I appear at all ignorant :redface:.

Secondly, my GUT feeling is that if this lad feels you are a "great guy" as he puts it, then he would be QUITE put out if he were to realise he had offended you with his anti-homosexual comments, so you can derive a measure of solace from, to my mind, thinking that he was just perhaps trying to be either funny or topical I guess, with what he said. In EITHER case he demonstrated that he is also capable of being ignorant (but then again, hand-on-heart, who out of ANY of us can say that they aren't ignorant of things from time to time - I certainly can't).

With regard to your feelings for him ? BELIEVE me I know how that goes ... unrequited love is a subject I am aaaaaaaaaaaaall too familiar with, and as the boys have already told you, it's quite commonplace for homosexual males to develop amorous feelings for heterosexual males ... I always look at things as being simple, and to my mind its almost mathematically simple.

Every straight boy is a top. Topping is (to my mind) the most masculine of all sexual activities, and so there is a definite APPEAL that heterosexual men have about them, to people like myself and others.

But having said that there are a number of points in life at which we are placed at definite, and clearly identifiable, crossroads.

You have a number of paths you could take, each of which will lead you off in a different direction. You could follow your feelings for this lad, which would be true to yourself, but STATISTICALLY-speaking, the odds ARE against anything happening (even though you may well become good friends); you could rule-off on him which WILL hurt you in the shorter-term, but it will ALSO protect your heart in the longer-term from this situation taking its toll; and there are other options as well ...

... one thing I CAN assure you is that we are all behind you, and you CAN come to us to discuss this, or anything else that's on your mind babe mile:.

Welcome to Gayspeak.

xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[fredv3b]

Babyboy, your thanks is appreciated. Some, I don't doubt, of us had advice when we needed it and wish to pass the favour on, others didn't have that advice and wouldn't leave you, or anyone else, in the same boat.

I think I'll reply to your if a bit of a reverse order.

There is NO-ONE i can talk to about this and to be honest never felt the need up until now.No friends or family would accept it, and i dont blame them for it either.

First you can talk to US. I accept family is a different kettle of fish but why would none of your friends accept your sexuality and, more importantly, why don't you blame them for it? Surely your friends should accept you for who you are. You seem to be very good a putting other people's feelings ahead of your own, whilst that is very noble, sometimes you have to accept that you and your happiness is important too.

You're right, being Indian is actually relevant to the issue. 'Cos there is so much more social pressure to conform to the 'traditional ideal' both on you and on your family. That said, they don't say blood is thinker than water for nothing, families can often be surprising in how they stick together.

I just think having someone like him in my life would change everything!

Sounds to me like getting to know him is turning out to be a bit of a life changing experience, even though nothing has or will happen between you. You now realise how happy you could be with the right guy in your life, trust me I know from current experience how wonderful it is. Which brings me to my main point, are you really going to deny yourself the chance of that for the rest of your life?

Coming out is NOT an option, I would rather sacrafice my own happiness than do that to my family. Being an indian, theres shame that you would bring to your family and it can never happen. Ive thought many times about running away and starting a whole new life abroad even but im far too much of a coward and most importantly love my family to that to them...

If you really feel that coming out to your family is not and will never be an option perhaps you need to move away? I'm not suggesting running away to another country just finding a job in another part of a country, moving there and being able to live a life that your family doesn't know about.

However that is a long way ahead, if it is indeed ahead. I think Marshlander's suggestion of joining a gay social group is an excellent one. It would give you the chance to meet people, talk, etc. and, more impartantly, think about what sort of life you want to lead.

And by the way not that is should make a difference but this guy is also white...

If it doesn't make a difference to you what's the problem?

[BiPenny]

Every straight boy is a top.

I beg to differ - predominantly yes, exclusivly no. But thats a different discussion altogether


BabyBoy you are always more than welcome to ask advice from any of us on here - if you spend a little more time with us you will find there is a real community spirit here and we will help anyone if they ask nicely :biggrin: Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk more.

Let me tell you how my situation works. My family are in Yorkshire (yorksha born n bred me!!) but I live near London where I work at the moment. Where I live and work almost everyone knows I am Bi - nobody has had any real issues with it and I spend a lot of time in Soho, I have a lot of gay friends (all blokes - why do I only seem to meet gay guys and straight women?!?!?! :frown: ) and I'm comfortable and happy with that.

When I go home nobody knows I'm Bi. I have a completely different life up there, I'm not sure how well that would work for me if I lived up there long term (which is a possibility for the near future :~)

I find the ability to seperate my two lives due to the distance is really helpful. I would come out to my family if I met the right person but right now I'm sticking to where I am to avoid uneccesary upset. Are your family nearby or further afield?

There is absolutely no pressure here to come out to anyone - if there is the opportunity with someone you trust and feel comfortable with it may offer you some outlet for your tension. You say you are considered by family and friends to be a 'player' - how does this sit with your family?

Certainly a gay social group would be an excellent starting point if it is at all workable. I may be biased but a fag hag (ask if she minds before you call her that!!!) is a great help to many gay men in yoiur situation cos they will happily discuss blokes and all things cock (or not if you prefer!) without issue (I'm sure WouldLikeMuscle - who is another forum member - would agree, if not I'll beat him til he does!!!!!!!)

Hope things pick up for you.

[marshlander]

... His borther is gay and well... ive never heard of a family with two gay brothers in it...

It is absolutely possible. My dear PA's younger brother was gay too. Sadly he is no longer with us

[marshlander]

Babyboy, it is indeed important that you let us know of your Indian heritage if we are to offer any useful advice. I am not Indian, but I have corresponded with gay Indian men before and the problems of family and tradition seem to be insurmountable. This is going to be tough for you, but as I see it you have a right to some happiness too. You will not be fulfilled if you are always doing what others demand.

BiPenny's experience of moving away from family is a relevant one and something you will no doubt have considered. You will have no peace of mind living near close family members if you are always looking over your shoulder. Obviously I have no idea whether your family would be one that might seek to avenge breaches of family honour, but your safety is also crucial.

There are support groups for people in your situation and I hope you have discovered some of them. I looked up links on the Stonewall web site and they are either out of date, have been sabotaged or are somehow not accessible from here in France! However, one group that may be able to put you touch with other people who would have some understanding of your situation seems to be Support and advice for South Asian men You could try them for starters and see where that takes you. If you need more help let us know.

I would say this, of course, but you say you are "Indian". Is that what it says on your passport? It is slightly irrelevant though since, while you are in Britain, you are subject to British law, which does embody safeguards and rights for people of other ethnic origins and minority sexualities. Whatever your family's Indian traditions may demand, you have a right to a private life. Tolerance and acceptance is supposedly the British way of living (yes, I know a lot of people have a lot to learn!) but to put this kind of pressure on you is wrong, immoral and to be honest utterly mystifying. I understand this paragraph lays me open to accusations of racism, but I would refute that since I'll snarl back at anyone who would deny me equality of opportunity on the basis of my sexuality. There are good and bad things in both white British and British Asian family traditions. It is not always necessary to take the rough with the smooth. It has to be YOUR decision.

Big hugs to you and good luck. Help us understand how we can support people better who, through no fault of their own, find themselves in your situation.

[babyboy]

Again thanks so much for your replies, i dont know why but it feels very weird that you guys are replying simply because ive never written anything like this before and also because i find it new that people are willing to help me even though they dont know me.

Well went to work today, and to be honest ive been thinking to myself that I will not even think about this guy today but ALL day all i thought about was him...i kept looking when will i see him next. I went over near his desk but didnt look at him or speak but im sure he was looking at me! normally he always goes past my desk but ALL day he didnt even do that which made me feel abit sad i suppose as I really wanted him to speak to me but at the same time I felt petrified of him coming over please dont ask me why as I dont know myself!

I just want to say please dont think you guys are offending me when asking about my indian heritage as I know there is a huge difference between ignorance and not knowing things...well that answer to the arranged marriage is No...my parents arnt strict in that sense and to be honest alot of stuff you guys may head is nothing but a myth ive never come across anyone that has been FORCED to get married if it does happen im just as oblivious that as some of you may be. Arranged marriage sounds so stupid when you think about it, i dont even know why its called that. Nothing is ARRANGED if anything two families may introduce a couple and they take it from there, just like two friends introducing their friends on a blind date! My parents will NEVER force me to marry - but that does not mean they will EVER accept me as a gay person either. They are quite religious, and being an indian their comes a certain responsibility with it. Shame as indians is the worst thing, being gay will bring shame. I know people think im putting my parents feeling before mine...its true but i dont mind honestly. Theyve done alot for me, surely i can do this for them and just keep quite. As a person im not very confident ill be very honest, i dont know why but I never have been...even though people might say im very good looking etc i dont feel like it, i feel very depressed with life - this is another subject but i feel like ive had shitty life im always down and feel like nothing goes right for me which is why when this guy came in the picture it just made me feel different - it made me feel like i could maybe have happiness for once in my life but its not going to happen i dont think. its taken me this long in my life to like someone, i cant imgaine liking anyone else or if i did it wont be for a while. Just to answer your question marshlander no i was born in england and bought up here.

I know what you guys are saying about coming out but to me honesly that has never even been an option, i just dont see it happening. Even if my friends or family came round to it, i would always feel like the shame and even the dirty one for being who I am...stupid i know. And shadow thanks for your reply some things you said have made me feel better as have the other replies...i need to get this guy out of my head and QUICK! :-(

I think Fred you may have hit the nail on the head when you talked about life changing experience because it seems like this one guy has opened up the tin of worms and its made me think more and more about certain things! BiPenny thanks for your offer as well Ill keep that in mind...

[zeon]

Hello,
It annoys me how religion holds people back from being themselves... I know in my past experience of coming out my grandmother is highly religious and homophobic like my brother is but i had to grip the attitude if they love me and always have they will understand.. Of course coming out you get backlash regardless of sex, religion, skin colour, etc etc it tends to be down to your own ancestors inheritance however one thing i did notice through this is when one in the family comes out the others tend to understand a bit more about lifestyles than they expected.. Of course theres some that are just plain NOT willing to understand like my brother and my nan but those people some can block from their lives and some cant.. Me.. I can because my heart is cold on certain topics and a slight disagreement can cause this...
If you were to come out to someone to ease pressure dont rush it you get one stab at it and maybe it would be worth sort of catergorizing people for example use a 1 - 10 scale.. 1 being most understanding and 10 being almost impossible.. I done this and it soon got me confidence to be defiant in myself and show people i cant hide any longer...

Best of luck babes and remember if ya need support we will all support u 100%

kindest regards

zeon x

[fredv3b]

I think I'll start at the end and work backwards again.

I think Fred you may have hit the nail on the head when you talked about life changing experience because it seems like this one guy has opened up the tin of worms and its made me think more and more about certain things!

You seem very upset to discover that the right guy could actually make you happy! But you are right it is, in a sense, a can of worms. Correct me if I am wrong but I'm guessing that, although you have known for a long time you are gay (you fancy other guys), whilst you thought none of them could actually make you happy you could pretty much ignore it and all the issues/problems it raises. After all why go through all the heartache when there doesn't appear to be anything to gain from it? (I speak from experience here.) Now that you know the right guy could make you happy you have to try and deal with some of those issues, and it ain't easy.

These issues, I think, essentially revolve around how you feel about yourself as a gay man and how others feel about you as a gay man.

Even if my friends or family came round to it, i would always feel like the shame and even the dirty one for being who I am...stupid i know.

To be blunt how do you expect anyone (let alone family) to accept you for who you are if you don't accept yourself? I know that unlearning all those negative thoughts and feelings you have been taught is tough, but you need to accept that there is nothing wrong with being gay and that gay relationships can be just as committed, long-term and meaningful as the idealised heterosexual marriage. (And on the other hand heterosexual relationships can be just as short-term, casual, sex based as stereotypical gay relationships plus they produce unwanted children).

Theyve done alot for me, surely i can do this for them and just keep quite.

If you genuinely feel that learning about your sexuality would hurt your parents that much, then OK keeping quiet is the right thing to do but that doesn't mean sacrificing your entire life. Why not move away to somewhere you can lead your life as you want, like BiPenny. (I was sort of in that position for a while, it really does have its advantages.)

i feel like ive had shitty life im always down and feel like nothing goes right for me which is why when this guy came in the picture it just made me feel different - it made me feel like i could maybe have happiness for once in my life but its not going to happen i dont think. its taken me this long in my life to like someone, i cant imgaine liking anyone else or if i did it wont be for a while.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit insensitive but sometimes we are responsible for our own happiness. Life is quite capable of passing us by if we don't get involved in it. Yes, meeting another guy that you feel the same for and might feel the same way about you is difficult, however your chances are much better if you are meeting other gay guys regularlyish on a social basis, and even if you did meet him by chance as things stand now would you really be able to do anything about it and start a relationship before he moves on?

I know what I am suggesting is difficult, and easiest avoided. (I avoided dealing with these issues myself till I was 25.) But in the end I don't know any other solution.

Good Luck

[jwed888]

was reading this post and i can relate this to myself.

right now im in college and have a really close friend of mine whom i think is really good looking and gorgeous guy. however, he is very ''anti-gay'' ppl, so what im thinking now is that i can only be his best friend instead of even dreaming about us together.

its been 3yrs i know him and be with him every time i felt happy coz most of the things he did i will know, in another word he will share it with me.
but....
he has a gf... is been 2months i avoid him (semester break). since im working part time, i always push his invitation of hanging out, play pool, swim.. etc .... all i can say is that im working sry im busy.... wondering whether is right or wrong.

and on top of that. should i or should i not tell him how i felt?
im just afraid that we cant even be friends after saying it.. its been a ''secret'' tho from my friends n family..

family have ''high hopes from me, wish that i wont let em down...''
u know how asian thinking works rite. generally they think that gay ppl are no good. how to prove... T_T

help?!