I kind of have a girlfriend but I kind of like guys

[TheNewsie]

Hello everyone,

I'm in a bit of a dilemma lately and I'm stuck in a most awkward situation.
Desperately trying to find some advice on the Internet I found this forum and I decided to register.

I hope this is the right section for this, though.

So, where to start? Well, basically I'm terrified of being regarded as "gay" because homosexuality in my community, circle of friends, family and region is judged as immoral and viewed as sick and a sin.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a non-judgmental person because I've never seen why someone's sexuality or preference could be such a big deal, it just does NOT define who a person is.
Yet I am terrified of being judged and ostracized by my pears.
So, most of my childhood I was desperate to find I girlfriend because this was regarded as a status symbol and I did have a "relationship" over three years from 10-13 but the relationship was exclusively based on the reputation and image being in a relationship offered and I not once kissed my girlfriend.

Since then I was distracting myself 24/7 from the "dating" topic in order to avoid asking myself one question:
"Do I even want to be with a girl?"

Despite my efforts to not think abou the question I have since discovered one fact I still cannot accept: I kinda like guys. I keep avoiding the topic wherever I encounter it and I could never talk about it with my friends or family, so I genuinely keep myself busy with school and sports and I am quite successful in school every once in a while the question slips back into my head and despite I keep denying it, it is so important to me that I even got stress related health complaints.

As I was the only one among my friends who was never dating a girl and my friends and family were kind of suspicious as I've never shown any interest in dating whatsoever, but rather avoided even just talking about it, I was desperately trying to find a girlfriend and force myself to like her in order to need this misery and make my family proud.

So, I met this girl one and a half months ago and we became close friends immediately. I honestly enjoy being around her and I think she would have become my best friend but she made some romantic advances and I did not explicitly tell her I didn't like her only as a friend and she now thinks we are dating.

On top of that, I thought I might be able to get myself to like her and even if I didn't I wanted to keep this up long enough to introduce her to my parents to let them see I am capable of dating.

She lives a little ways from my town and she comes to visit ever so often but I'm a generally shy person and So it wasn't a problem at first but recently she's becoming more and more affectionate and she wants to hold hands and cuddle every time we spend time together. I'm really running out of ideas how to keep her busy and distracted from getting intimate.
She's a great and kind person and I enjoy her company because she's very intelligent and literate but I'm running out of excuses not to kiss her.

Please, don't get me wrong, I really do like her but only as a friend. I tried so hard to like her as my girlfriend but every time she takes my hand it feels wrong. Every time she wants to kiss me I come up with excuses like I have a bad cold or I just try to change the subject. She loves cuddling and watching movies at night and I think that's the worst. I feel I'm just sitting there stiff and feeling out-of-place while she is cuddled toward me and clasping my hand. This sounds awful, I'm so sorry for that but As much as I tried, after a couple of hours I can't help but free myself from her hug and go to sleep as far from her as possible. I'm really disgusted and I feel very uncomfortable.


So, basically I'm stuck with her as my "girlfriend" and I'm terrified by the idea of ever taking this relationship to the next level, even if it's just kissing. I'm not sure how long I can keep this sharade up as I frequently tell her how much I like her and Im just nervous because it's going to be my first kiss.

I know it's wrong and I'm being a terrible person but I feel it's too late now to tell her I don't like her without giving a reason. I don't want to lose her as a friend but I can't tell her I'm disgusted by her being a girl.

I'm the worst person as I feel like Im using her as a decoy to keep everyone from questioning my sexuality. Also, I want to impress my family so badly and they would like her very much. I am still trying to get myself to like her, mainly because I don't want to lose her as a friend and as it's impossible to take this back into the fried zone.

My biggest problem, however, is that either way she might find out I don't like girls because it's gotten to a point I feel sick and appalled whenever she tries to kiss me. Plus she's so pretty you have to be gay if you're trying to avoid touching her so vehemently.

Thinking about this whole situation, there's nothing that would make me happier than being with a guy and not being judged by anyone.

I do hope you can understand my misery only a tiny but and do not see me as the terrible person I might looks like acing like this.
Does anyone have even remotely similar experiences?
Is there anything I can do in order to avoid being outed by her as homosexual and consequently being kicked out by my parents and being forced to leave my hometown?
It's terrible and I feel really bad...

[jimcrackcorn]

Hello,, and welcome to Gayspeak.

There are several younger guys here, who should be around shortly to contribute to your post. In the meantime, Here are my thoughts concerning your problem.

You made a mistake in getting a 'girlfriend' to keep people from questioning your sexuality. Unfortunately you created another problem by adding her into the mix. You need to gently tell her that you are not interested in being her boyfriend. Don't drag her further into this, she doesn't deserve to be misled.

If people are starting to question your sexuality,,,,, simply keep them guessing until you are ready to tell them the truth. As an example; I never told my parents or siblings that I was gay,,, they eventually figured it out on their own after I left home, joined the military,, and started living with a man (for 30 plus years).

I assume you are still living at home with your parents & siblings. Eventually you will leave them and start a life of your own,, a life that will be yours to live as you wish. Don't be discouraged at your present predicament, it will take some time for you to make the appropriate changes to your life, in order to be the person you really are.

Best wishes,
Jim

[ck86]

Hey [MENTION=22155]TheNewsie[/MENTION]

Welcome to GS! I'm so sorry to hear about your present situation and hope that we will be able to help you.

I was "stuck" in a similar situation myself too. My parents have a traditional asian/oriental background and think that we should all get good jobs (that's a tick) and be married and settle down with kids (married tick but not to a woman) so that's a huge issue for them. It took them 11 years to begin to accept me for who I was and then we rocked the boat by declaring that we were going to adopt kids. Now we are back to not speaking again.

Further more, it took me years to come out of the closet as I was involved heavily in a church community which was so traditional and "evangelistic" that I knew that the moment I was out of the closet that I would be out of that community of people. It wasn't really something I was prepared to face or fight for years as I had some good friends from that. As a result I took the path you took and had a girlfriend for a while. But in the time we dated we didn't do anything more than a peck as a kiss and I couldn't do the full on kissing without getting all embarrassed and worked up. Ultimately she got fed up and dumped me.

After a while when I eventually started work and developed friends outside of church and my family that was able to have enough confidence in myself to come out. The first step for me was really accepting who I was. After a drunken night one of my gay friends asked me outright if I was gay. He's happily engaged and wasn't coming on to me or anything like that. It was more out of genuine concern that I wasn't particularly happy at the time.

Yes it was difficult. I lost loads of good friends I had and church forced me to resign my membership. Even tho it was hard at the then thinking back now, how good were those people to me if they wouldn't see trough the most simple of things and accept me for who I was. I am in such a happier place now and don't have to conform to anyone else's criteria.

My family may eventually come round again. Who knows. Even if they don't I have a wonderful group of friends and fantastic in-laws who are the most amazing people ever.

My advice would be to widen your social group. Get to know some other gay people and also straight people who are accepting of you without conditions. First come out to yourself then to others who will accept you. Eventually coming out will be easier (trust me and I'm sure the others will say the same too that coming out is a continual process and you'll do it over and over again to people who are new in your life)
When you are ready you can come out to your family and current friends.

I really hope that things work out. I know how hard it can be but I also know that living life as a "straight man" when you aren't is hard too.

Hope that helps. Give me a shoutout or PM me if there's anything I can do to help out.

All the best!

CK

[Camfer]

Getting out of the pseudo-girlfriend is easy. You tell her you're "not ready for a relationship." This is 100% true.

Next you plan your exit from the world of your childhood and into the world of your adulthood. Go away to college, or get a job far from home. Go somewhere where you can be yourself. Then as you build your life on your terms, you discover you have the strength to be yourself. The approval of others, even including your family, becomes secondary to who you are.

Make good choices, because what you decide now can easily chart much of the course of your life.

Keep us posted on how it all unfolds.

[MikeW]

[MENTION=22155]TheNewsie[/MENTION]:

Welcome to the forum. I hope you keep coming back and getting to know us as we get to know you.

Couple of things... First off, if you're 18, will you be going away to college or school away from home any time soon? If so, this could be a big help.

I'm not sure where you live or how close any larger city is but one thing you might want to be aware of is PFLAG << you can use that page to see if there is a chapter anywhere near where you live.

As for the young lady, yeah, for sure it is awkward because (for understandable reasons given your situation) you're not being honest with her. I hear you say you'd like to be friends with her but, seriously, can you be friends with someone -- really -- if you can't be honest with them? I'm curious what do you think would happen if you *were* honest with her and just explained the situation. Something like, "Hey, I like you and I hope you like me because I have a problem... See, the thing is, I'm gay and I can't come out to my family and everyone else right now because if I do I'm afraid they'll disown me or something and I'll be totally screwed. I'm telling you this because I actually do like you a lot as a person but I don't want to be a total jerk and lead you on any further. I'm not interested in girls sexually and I'm kind of trying to figure all this out. Can I trust you to keep my secret? Are you willing to help me keep my secret for the time being?"

Now, I don't know you or the young lady so I don't know if this would be a good idea. If she is really conservative in her thinking, this might not work. But, on the other hand, if she *is* intelligent as you say and maybe at least a little sensitive and maybe even like you as a person, she might respect what you're dealing with and appreciate your honesty.

Beyond that I don't know what to suggest. Even if you don't feel you can confide in her, you're going to have to find some reason to break this off. It's just a screwed up situation and the sooner you cut her free so she can get on with her life -- and you yours -- the better for the both of you.

ETA: I see [MENTION=20941]Camfer[/MENTION] has provided a legitimate reason to break off with the young lady so, yeah, that's one way to go about it.

[CellarDweller]

welcome to the forum.

as for your 'girlfriend', just tell her you don't want to be in a serious relationship, you 'need space'.

Don't lead her on or make the relationship appear more serious than it is.

[LJay]

I would go with Camfer's idea. Itis not easy to cut off a friendship, but his terminology does not give anything away and it allows her to keep her dignity. It is really best to do this right away. All my life I have had the problem of being polite to girls and having them take it as more than I want it to be. Making yourself clear early on is the best way. If she starts asking pressing questions, just smile and say something like, "I really think you are great, but I need my space." If your family presses you, just say that she is not the one for you.

And do plan on getting away and on your own.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I haven't read the other responses, but even if I had before replying, my advice would be the same.

Life is much better (in ALL the ways that count) when you live your life genuinely. Stop lying to yourself and everyone else. It's never too late to start.

It might feel terrifying, but the fact is that knowing where you stand with people will always be better than perpetuating lies just to please others.

(Keep in mind, I'm not a big fan of the closet and have refused to ever spend time in there.)

Welcome to GS, man

[TheNewsie]

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful replies.

I will try to make the best of the situation. I am in my senior year and I will be off to college next fall so it'll be a bit easier from there on.

Concerning my girl friend, I'm afraid the end of our "relationship" will be more than the average drama.
I really wanted to end this as fast as possible for her sake.

But she planned two trips to Europe, so we're going to Germany for New Years and a week to London during spring break. She's super-excited and has booked and payed for the trips already because she knows how badly I want to go to the UK and Germany.

I'm really on the fence here. I'm so grateful she planned all this and I'm excited to travel with her but I also don't want to keep lying to her.

I have no idea what's worse,
telling her I don't want to go on a potentially romantic get-away she already paid for,
or telling her once we are back that all this didn't work out the way she wanted because I'm not into her.

To make things worse, I was not as happy about our travels when she told me as she hoped for so she asked me if I didn't like traveling to Europe and I told her I did and faked excitement.
She bought it eventually and she is really excited no so it seems we are going to Europe - twice.

This is bad, I guess I can really enjoy those trips and I'm genuinely interested in history and sightseeing so I'll have enough excuses to keep us busy but I'm so annoyed by her proximity in a romantic way.

As much as I'd love to confide in her, there is no guarantee she won't expose me.
I really AM´a bad person. My parents would be devastated if they ever knew and think I'm the biggest failure as I even manage to hurt all of the people around me including the only girl so far my parents would approve of.

What's worse, I can't see myself ever living a life without hiding or acting to be someone I'm not. It's just too risky.
Seriously, even joining a monastery, marrying a religious girl or jumping off a bridge (I won't do either, don't worry!) seems like a more rational solution to this mess.

[Rareboy]

You know what? Let me be blunt here.

Hopefully you are going to sack up and stop lying. And I'm not talking about using this girl the way you have in order to hide your sexuality. The Europe thing. What was that about? Why would you let a girl (friend) arrange and pay for two trips????? Why sis you lie about wanting to go? That's the lie I don't get.

I recommend complete honesty in this case. You need to talk to her before you go to Europe and tell her that you have been very confused by your sexuality (which apparently is remotely true) and that you've realized that while you love her as a friend, you can't really love her as a boyfriend.

Then you need to come out to yourself. And then to sit back and calculate the potential drawbacks of living out loud versus cowering in the depths of a closet. Afraid that your parents will kick you out or cut you off? Well lots of boys have been and survived to tell the tale. Afraid they won't love you anymore? That is on them, not you. At the moment they love the actor in the role you're playing.

You have a chance to be a real person. And this will help you avoid living a lifetime as a BAD person.

Show some backbone here. Do the right thing by this girl and yourself.