I hate sleeping alone

[Pcolakuntryboy]

My BF works offshore, so basically he's home for a month and then at work for a month. While he's home we obviously sleep in the same bed, but Ive got to admit, I do like having the whole bed to myself while he's at work (I know that sounds terrible). I'm one of those people that moves around in my sleep, I toss and turn a lot, and when we're sleeping together I feel like I must be still to keep from waking him. I also have to worry about waking him in the morning since I get up at 5 am. Maybe the OP's BF is the same way, or maybe he's a little claustrophobic and feels like he needs space?

[Pcolakuntryboy]

It may seem like less of a big deal than it should be, but when you are with someone the act of sleeping together is important. I know from experience that when he and I don't sleep together I don't sleep as well. If he's not in my bed I miss him and I don't get the same restful sleep I get when he is there.

Is this a mental thing? Probably. I do know that having someone's skin next to yours causes a chemical reaction in your brain that makes you feel better. Maybe it's a chemical thing, I don't know that for sure. I do know that when Zach and I sleep together I sleep better. I wake up feeling better the next day. When we don't I don't feel as good.

Ardus,
I'm the opposite, I can't sleep if I'm being touched, I've always been that way. The simple feeling of a hand on my back will wake me up, and then I have trouble falling back to sleep. It may sound unaffectionate, but it's just the way I am.

[Bhp91126]

Ardus,
I'm the opposite, I can't sleep if I'm being touched, I've always been that way. The simple feeling of a hand on my back will wake me up, and then I have trouble falling back to sleep. It may sound unaffectionate, but it's just the way I am.

You're not alone with this. I can't fall asleep while someone is touching me. So, when we go to sleep, we cuddle for a few and then, when he's asleep, I mosey over to my side of the bed.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Does he want a bf, or is he gaining a roommate to share the bills with. Two very different things.

It does sound like he's moving in for his own reasons, and they may not necessarily be the ones your thinking of...

[ShiftyNJ]

Hey dude. Welcome to GS. May your stay with us be helpful.

Firstly, it maybe easier to give advice knowing a bit more about your situation. Like: how long have you guys been together? Has it been a while that you have talked about moving in together? What are the reasons for moving in together?

Without knowing you well, I'll try to give some generic advice. I have come across couples that don't sleep in the same room as each other before, usually my straight colleagues at work and usually after they have have had their first kid together and the dad moves into the spare room to get some sleep before work. Occasionally as you have already hinted is that when one partner snores/grinds teeth/talk/farts
/steals the duvet or any other ungodly habit in the middle of the night. And the move to the spare bedroom is to get some sleep. I'm sure the former issue isn't the problem at the moment!!

How often do you guys stay over at each other's homes at the moment and has this revealed any issues. Sounds like you say he snores and grinds his teeth but has he said anything about you? We often don't know what we are doing in the middle of the night, well for obvious reasons as we are sleeping. Perhaps there is an underlying issue too. Does he seem rested in the mornings? And do you both have similar waking times or does one partner walking up wakes the other up?

The suggested sleeping in separate rooms might be out of genuine concern that he is disturbing you or maybe pointing out that there are underlying issues perhaps ones you are unaware of as of yet. You said you tried to talk to him, which is great but sounds like he is reluctant to talk or either you haven't tried hard enough. I know sometimes when I talk about issues I rather not talk about I just skim over the issues.

Sit him down. Ask him about his thoughts and reasons and that would help you work out the issues. Maybe he's getting a bit bored or maybe he's "focused" on this schooling. You won't know unless you ask.

For my man and I, we spend enough days sleeping apart as we both have shift work. He's an flight attendant and I'm a doctor. We have hectic shift but we still sleep in the same bed. However we have adapted the way we live as we have a spare bedroom to get ready in and so on. I have to say tho, we sleep a lot better at night ever since we got a big bed and we both have our own space in the middle of the night. The UK beds go up to a bed that is almost 7.5 by 6.5 feet in size (and neither of us are overweight and take up too much space!) After a starting the night together we almost always move towards our own part of the bed and get a restful night. This might be the solution for you both too.

I would say start with talking to him, and making him talk back. You won't get far without. Good luck and let us all know how it goes.

We also are on different schedules and sometimes our sleep overlaps by only a few hours. We got a king-sized captain's bed with a memory foam mattress and the other person getting in and out can't even be felt. I kid around that we have to finish our business before the last bus back to my side of the bed.

[some]

Hey everyone,

So I finally talked to my boyfriend about all of this. We've been looking at places to move into in the next couple months and found a place we love. I'm not sure how we got on the discussion of sleeping together at the new place but I asked him if we were ever going to sleep together when we lived together. Since he has school during the week and works some on the weekends I just needed to know because like I said before, sleeping together is important to me. I didn't get the response I was hoping for. He said that we would sleep together but he likes to sleep by himself when he has to wake up early in the morning. I asked him why this was and he said because it's hard enough to get out of bed and it's even harder if I'm there because he doesn't want to leave me and stay laying by me. I get it, but I still hate the idea of this. Then he asked me if this was going to be a problem and if I still wanted to move in with him because I needed to figure this out and if we should be together. I of course want to move in with him and that's what I told him. What I didn't tell him is that I hated the arrangement that's going to take place. I don't know why it's such a big deal to me but I just hate sleeping alone, and I would hate it even more if he's just across the apartment sleeping in his own bed. I know I won't sleep good. I'm sure I'll get used to it after awhile, but I don't want to get used to this. You know? Two people in love shouldn't sleep apart if the only reason is that it's too hard to leave me in bed in the mornings. Hell, I could get up early with him to make it easier but he probably wouldn't go for that. I don't think the issue is him not sleeping good when I'm there because when we do spend the night together we both sleep good. He mentioned not too long ago that before me he never really liked cuddling. He told me though that he likes cuddling with me though because he loves me and likes when we lay together. I just don't know what to do about this. I don't really want to talk to him more about this because it's hard enough to talk to him about anything. When we talked about this his reaction was like that I was attacking him and he got defensive about it. I just don't know why he thinks this is completely normal for couples to do. It's like I'm gaining a roommate instead of moving in with my boyfriend. Any advice would be helpful. I just don't know what to do. I would never leave him over something like this. I just don't want this.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hard to talk to him about this and other stuff. He want's to sleep alone.

Not willing to cuddle with anyone but you...

I would say he has psychological issues which he is unable to talk about or bring up.

This defensive 'you are attacking me' posture strongly suggests that he is hiding something.

He was abused, neglected, betrayed, something pretty serious along these lines and he is unable to face it or talk about it. Unable doesn't mean unwilling. He is as unable to deal with whatever it is as much as a legless man is unable to walk.

I suggest you come up with a very reasonable compromise here. That would be something along the line of two bedrooms, two beds with visiting rights on nights when he doesn't have to go to work or school the next day.

Yes you are going to have to give in this far more than him.

That cuddling thing is very suggestive of a serious need that he has to be in his own bed alone. This is something he needs far much more than you need to have a body in your bed all night.

Another compromise is that he lays in bed with you until you go to sleep when he can. This way he is given the freedom he needs to transfer to his own bed when he needs to.

And I strongly suggest you do not push him on this or you will lose him, without getting any answer.

This last I know from personal experience. I have my share of 'bad shit' which I do not talk about, and being pushed to talk about shit I don't want to (can't, not unwilling, unable), it has broken relationships, friendships, sent me running far, far away all because the other person couldn't shut up and stop demanding me to answer questions I was unable to answer.

Seems to me your dating a guy who will react in a similar way, thus his behaving that you are attacking him is because he does sense all of this questioning/talking about this subject as a form of attack where you are trying to force him to go places he cannot go at this time.

[Cuddly]

Give it time and go easy on him, if he's worth it.

[MikeW]

The problem I'm having with [MENTION=12444]Bowyn Aerrow[/MENTION] 's position is I get the sense you're going to RESENT your partner if you don't get what you want. You say you HATE sleeping alone, not just dislike it, but truly hate it. You told your partner you want to move in together, which obviously you do, but in the same breath you say you didn't tell him that you HATE this arrangement. So a) you were dishonest with him and b) you're already feeling resentment about this situation.

I just can't see how this is going to work.

It isn't a matter of right or wrong here. You feel how you feel and he feels how he feels -- but if there's no room for true negotiation and compromise -- if there's dishonesty to boot -- this is a recipe for disaster.

[Radbot42]

I think in time he could get used to sleeping with you when he has to get up early after being around you all the time. Could you possibly offer to wake up when he gets up? That could help him get out of bed if your not there with him. I'm sure everything will work our if you 2 like each other as much as you say.