I hate sleeping alone

[Bowyn Aerrow]

The problem I'm having with @Bowyn Aerrow 's position is I get the sense you're going to RESENT your partner if you don't get what you want. You say you HATE sleeping alone, not just dislike it, but truly hate it. You told your partner you want to move in together, which obviously you do, but in the same breath you say you didn't tell him that you HATE this arrangement. So a) you were dishonest with him and b) you're already feeling resentment about this situation.

I just can't see how this is going to work.

It isn't a matter of right or wrong here. You feel how you feel and he feels how he feels -- but if there's no room for true negotiation and compromise -- if there's dishonesty to boot -- this is a recipe for disaster.

Yes there is a risk here of serious resentment.

However I'm looking at this from the angle that the BF has a set of real issues surrounding the subject, issues which are not going to be resolved by pushing him.

I suspect something on the order of child abuse exists. BF most likely is lying about his childhood and hiding (denial) behind a mask unable (not unwilling, it just hurts too much) to discuss the foundational issues thus these other things are explained away with half-truths, omissions and downright lies.

His unwillingness to cuddle with anyone before OP, strongly suggests intimacy issues. Such issues are rarely created out of nothing. Usually serious and often severe neglect and/or abuse is the root cause. And that neglect/abuse happens during the formative years of childhood (like before age 6).

There are other hints here that the BF was Abused/Neglected or some other trauma took place which he is unable to face/cope/deal with and is trying to find a way to meet his needs without having to face these other issues.

This is why I suggested finding compromise, such as two beds where they can have weekends together, or have the BF stay with him until he falls asleep.

I wouldn't be too terribly surprised to learn that the BF reacts violently when someone slips into bed beside him, violently as in physically lashing out and punching while still asleep.

Such a matter is often highly embarrassing to the person who lashes out in their sleep. So they try to find ways to hide this fact while keeping the sleep punching aspect well hidden by NOT sleeping in the same bed with someone else.

I feel for the OP and his need to have his BF sleep with him, however I also feel for the BF who I believe has a serious heap of issues which trump this need to be slept with and most likely is going to be a long road to anything resembling recovery.

[MikeW]

Yes there is a risk here of serious resentment.

However I'm looking at this from the angle that the BF has a set of real issues surrounding the subject, issues which are not going to be resolved by pushing him..

Well, that may very well be. I get your point about the difference between 'wont' and 'can't'… what's possible and not possible at certain stages of psychological integration.

But we're not hearing from the party you're referring to. We're hearing from his partner in a rather new relationship -- and what he's expressing is not merely "frustration" but in his words, "hate". I don't know about anyone else, but I don't use that word lightly. If I feel strongly enough about something to "hate" it, then, obviously it is very important to me.

So, yes, this needs to be negotiated. But I don't see how the OP can do that if he's withholding -- being dishonest -- with his partner about how he really feels about the arrangement. That the BF may be dealing with unresolved and repressed trauma is something the OP should consider… but he also needs to consider how he wants to relate to that, if it exists. Taking an attitude of dishonesty and resentment isn't the best way to do that, IMO.

[Rareboy]

Well as someone with 33 years of being with someone under my belt, I'll give you a little suggestion that always worked for me.

Two twin beds together. Each person gets their own blankets and as many or few as you want....it is easy to roll over on top of one another if you want to fuck or cuddle....but enough distance that people who don't like being that close when they sleep have some space.

The day will come, if you sleep in separate rooms that you are nothing more than room-mates...which may be fine, but there will really be no natural intimacy. It seems pretty early for this to already be happening so soon in your relationship.

[JackTX]

Well as someone with 33 years of being with someone under my belt, I'll give you a little suggestion that always worked for me.

Two twin beds together. Each person gets their own blankets and as many or few as you want....it is easy to roll over on top of one another if you want to fuck or cuddle....but enough distance that people who don't like being that close when they sleep have some space.

The day will come, if you sleep in separate rooms that you are nothing more than room-mates...which may be fine, but there will really be no natural intimacy. It seems pretty early for this to already be happening so soon in your relationship.

I was going to say king-sized bed but that works too. A lot of people have sleep problems and I can definitely understand why he wouldn't want that to get worse. Having someone else moving around in the same bed, kick/punch you by accident, hearing them snore or make other noises, having them get up in the middle of the night... all of these things and more can be maddening if he has sleep issues.

My partner gets a 5-minute cuddle and then we disengage for the remainder, which is perfectly fine since we are going to sleep and not be conscious :p

All in, the brief time before sleep shouldn't be a deal-breaker if everything else is good. Get some daytime affection or something before sleep or in the morning. Drop the ideal and deal with reality

[Rareboy]

^ I say twins because of cover hogging....or how I can't sleep with sheets tucked in but my partner can't sleep with them untucked.......it's a jungle out there.

[JackTX]

^ I say twins because of cover hogging....or how I can't sleep with sheets tucked in but my partner can't sleep with them untucked.......it's a jungle out there.

ROFL. I totally forgot cover hogging and displacement issues.

I hate when I get into a hotel bed and they're tucked super tight at the feet end. How the frak are your feet supposed to fit there if you lay on your back?

[dynamodean]

Him not sleeping in the same bed with you, just because he doesn't want it to be difficult to leave you in the morning.....just doesn't seem right.

The twin beds thing seems like a good idea. Heck, he can even separate the twin beds so there's some gap in between them if he wants. Sucks for you but at least you two would be in the same room. And then over time he can slowly work towards pushing the beds together.

[oreosplz93]

Sounds like something deeper. possibly maybe!!

[Virge]

Think about burning his bed so he has no option but to sleep with you after you get out of jail for arson.

[Virge]

Have you considered using a ball peen hammer to make sure he doesn't wake up?