chibigiraffe Wrote:i mean to say that after coming out they pushed it off and don't even acknowledge it. my father said that he will never view me that way no matter what. they even tried to convince me that it was a choice. i asked them that if it was a choice, could they choose to be gay. they said yes, which made me go nuts for a second. i ended up ending the conversation by telling them that was the most offensive thing anyone could ever say to me.
i know they'll always be religious and stick to their beliefs, i don't care, as long as they don't try to force me to. i just want some recognition. i want them to see me for who i really am and not who they want me to be, but i can't force them to do that; i wouldn't if i could (even though i would be nice)...
What you have here is largely a semantic (inability to communicate with words) problem. What "gay" means to you is not what "gay" means to them. So, you asked them the wrong question because to them "gay" just means "have sex with some one of the same gender" (or something like that). For you it means "sexual preference based on what I find arousing."
In other words, had you asked your dad, "do men's bodies get you aroused sexually? Could you *choose* for them to?" -- see, that's a different question. What arouses us isn't a choice. We *can* choose (at least under some circumstances) to have sex with people and genders that don't particularly arouse us. Gay men have been getting married to women and having families forever -- nothing new there. Which is one of the reasons all this is confusing… It *looks* as if we have a choice -- and, to an extent we (at least some of us) do. But NOT in the sense of what we find erotically arousing.
What I'm saying here is you need to think about this more and better.
Ok, understandable that you'd like some recognition from your parents but what, really, do they know about being gay? Probably like most straight people, very little. They don't know and can't imagine how we feel -- what it is like to grow up in a world where your sexual preference is regarded as a perversion. They can't imagine what it would be like to, say, as teenagers, not be able to date the gender they were attracted to -- to know that they might not be able to get legally married and raise a family -- so on and so forth. For your parents "gay" probably just means "sex" (and, who knows what they think about what kind of sex it is.. and how right or wrong their understanding of even *that* is).
So think, you probably began to figure out you were gay some years ago. How did you feel about it? Did you just go, oh, great, no problem? Or did you feel embarrassed, fearful, unsure of yourself, guilty -- I don't know what but anything other than just fine? Most likely you did. So it took you time to accept yourself. Moreover you're STILL learning what it means, right? I don't know, maybe you've had some erotic or sexual experiences -- but even if you have, that is still a long way from living, BEING, an adult gay man with his own gay life. I don't know your situation but my guess is you won't really have that for yourself until you're older, when you've finished college (if you're going), when you are no longer living with your parents (if you still are), and so on. IOW, probably not till your mid to late 20s.
Yeah, we all want to be loved and accepted and respected and recognized for who and what we are -- especially by our parents who, to us, are the bed-rock foundation of our world. They have nurtured us and loved us (or tried to) and got us to this point in life. Now we want that relationship to go on, only on a new, more adult level.
Well…. first of all, that doesn't always happen and that's a fact of life many gay people have to face. It varies a lot. The fact your parents are religious means that their religion and their understanding of it is very likely more important to them than your sexuality. They may love you or think they do or say they do but when it comes right down to it, from their POV, what is at stake is their "immortal souls" (or some such). From that angle, they can't just willy-nilly chuck their religion and say, oh well, not a problem, our son is gay, no BFD.
See what I mean? It is going to take time, probably years -- if ever, for them to come to terms with it. AND… a lot of it will depend on how YOU handle it. You can and will have your own life with your own boy friends and eventually partners and relationships. Whether or not your parents accept that or want to see you and your partners as "family" -- well, that's a huge thing for them. They may or may not be able to "get there" in terms of their own thinking and feeling.
BUT… what matters is where YOU are about it, not them. Seriously. If you are good with yourself, free of fear and guilt, liking to have (perhaps) but not NEEDING their approval to live your life… If you have a partner you love and who obviously loves you back and the two of you build a relationship that is rock solid -- because you are both solid people -- well, then, there is the possibility your parents will come around. They'll SEE that you ARE "gay" -- and see what that really means. They'll see that just like heterosexuality, it isn't just about sex, it's about love and commitment and family.
Am I making sense here? What I'm saying is you need to start growing up and accepting that your parents aren't what your life is about anymore. They may or may not continue to be a big part of your life -- but what your life is going to be about is YOU and whom YOU love. This happens as well with straight children. Often times parents don't even begin to see their children as adults until a) they are married and b) they have children of their own. This is pretty much common knowledge. IOW, you need to become responsible adult -- in your case, a responsible gay man -- THEN, perhaps, your parents will begin to see you for who you really are.
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Capricorn
