26 years old and still in the closet

[dunfollowme]

Hi. I just found out this forum on google. I don't know if it's a good place but I really need someone to talk to because I don't know where I can express myself.

My writing is bad and I have been rewriting this but there are too many things I would want to say so I don't know how to put it. I hope you don't mind.

I'm turning 26 in a month and I'm still a virgin in a closet. It begins to bother me lately and I feel like I'm wasting my life on this.

I didn't really realize I'm gay until I was 22 when I fell in love with a guy. Before that although I know I'm attracted to guys but I thought I liked girls too. But for some reasons, I could never get into relationship with a girl. And when I fell in love with that guy I realized I didn't love any of those girls I met before.

And it had a huge impact on me. I confessed for the first time to that guy and got rejected. I went through a depression. I cried all day long and had a few moments of wanting to finish my life. I took more than a year and a half to recover from it but then I didn't want to fall in love anymore.

After that I have been to gay bars with my gay friends. But I still pretended I was straight. I somehow found myself couldn't fit in the gay culture, although I liked it very well but still I felt a bit uncomfortable and insecure.

I have also tried to come out to my friends but none of the attempts were successful. I have a normal and healthy life that I'm okay with but whenever I think of my love life it makes me feel like a loser.

I have been surfing on the online sex cam site for about a year already. I love how you can interact all different guys from all over the wold on the site and many of them are quite friendly and cute. I had asked a guy on the cam site out once. We went to gay bars and danced but I was too sober and too shy so I wasn't very into it. We never talked again after that night.

Recently, I got into some deep chats with one of the broadcasters there. I met a 18 years old German guy. He doesn't show on cam so he's not like some open exhibitionists or looking for fast cash. He said he's straight but he has done things with guys. We had been talking like every day on skype and I told him almost everything about my closet life. I felt kind of attached to him. But then last weekend he wasn't on for 3 days. I realized I missed him but kinda mad at him for his sudden disappearance. I realized that I might have fallen in love with him. But then I think it would be a bad idea to fall in love with a straight guy who lives thousands miles away and probably isn't interested in me. So I decided not to talk to him. But it's killing me as I think I'm gonna lose him if I continue to not talk to him. But then it has been more than a week now he hasn't even talked to me once. Am I doing the right decision?

But then during this week, I just craved for more chats with other broadcasters and there is one guy I like very much. But he's living in the different end of the world too. I feel like I'm repeating in the same mistakes over and over again.

[Jaxx37]

Hi, and welcome to GS

First off I'd like to say I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time of things and that you seem to be afraid of falling in love. However there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time when it comes to these things. I 'came out' to my friends when I was in my early twenties but I didn't come out to my mum until about a month ago so there really is no rush with these things at all. You need to do it at your own pace and not everyone is comfortable with the whole world knowing their business, you tell who you want to, when you want to.

When you say that your attempts to come out to your friends haven't worked I'm not sure what you mean - do you mean that they didn't take you seriously or that they thought you were joking or that you stopped yourself before you could tell them or what? Also there's absolutely nothing wrong with being shy or being a virgin, it'll happen for you in time with the right guy.

As for being in love with someone who is a million miles away I can tell you hands down that I don't recommend it one bit. Been there, done that, and it's a thousand times worse when it's unrequited which it is with this straight guy that you're talking about I'm afraid. I know that these online sex cams etc. can be alluring, heck they can be addictive to some and they give an illusion of intimacy but the thing is you just can't be in love with someone who you meet through these things, I'm sorry but they're not there to fall in love with you and you can't be in love with someone if you don't know the REAL them. It's simply an attractive illusion. I'm not saying that it's completely impossible, I mean I've no experience of these things since I've never used these cams. I did have an online relationship with a girl for well over a year but I met her through a forum for a TV show so it's a slightly different context, we spoke every night and I was convinced that I was in love with her as she was with me but as nice as she is and as wonderful as she is, I never met her face to face so how could I have been in love with her? I ask you the same question, not because I doubt the sincerity of your feelings but because I think that you're so worried about how people perceive you that maybe you're convinced that having an online relationship is the only way for you to move forward and it isn't. As I say though I have no idea how this guy feels about you but I'd say you need to be careful.

My advice to you would be to come out to one person, someone you know and trust completely and then once you're comfortable with them knowing you can come out to someone else and just keep doing that. If you have gay friends already they'll be very supportive of you and once you've come out to them you will perhaps find that you enjoy the 'gay scene' more and will then hopefully find a guy you like who lives closer to you. If however the gay clubs and bars aren't really your style, and for many of us they aren't, then I'm sure there will be other groups that you could join in your area, your friends will help you with this, you know reading groups, cookery classes etc. so that you meet like minded people or heck maybe your gay friends know of a lovely gentleman who is just your type and would treat you well. Who knows. The thing is the longer you rely on the sex cams for a 'release' in terms not only of sexual gratification but also the fulfilment of being close to another the longer it will take you to come out in my opinion because you've created a safe little bubble for yourself. My online relationship was a 'safe haven' for me because I had a girlfriend so I didn't need to go out and look for one, then I did the same thing because I fell for a straight girl I couldn't have so I didn't need to go out and find myself a girl because I had her, even if it wasn't the way I wanted.

Anyway I know the guys will maybe offer better observations/advice to you than this, but I thought maybe this would help you a little. Know this though - you deserve to be happy, you deserve to find someone you love who is also capable of loving you in a real life romantic, adult relationship, being in love with someone who is straight can't fulfil that - they can never be more than a friend to you because as attracted to you as they may be platonically they, if they're completely straight, can't be attracted to you sexually and so a vital part of the relationship will always be missing. Come out to your friends when you're ready and then begin working on finding yourself someone special who is capable of loving you and indeed desiring you for who you are in real life.

[ExpatBrit77]

Although this is a slightly politically incorrect thing to say (given the current climate of "everyone should come out at the earliest opportunity") I am really a firm believer in there not being any fixed timeframe for coming out, both to yourself and to others. Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post, but there is absolutely no obligation to have come out by x or y age. You come out when YOU are ready, and not a moment before. Same goes for being a virgin or not. Do it at your pace. You call the shots, nobody else.

For the record, I came out to "myself" probably when I was not much younger than you; didn't feel free ready to come out to friends until I was 28/29 or so. I only came out to family last year, aged 35.

[Aike]

I'm not against online/long distance relationships as such but you should really think about what exactly it is you want from the guys you meet online. If you want something else than interaction by computer screens and Skype (as you seem to do) it is quite obviously not a good idea to meet guys that way. You'll only end up feeling frustrated and depressed.

BUT I wouldn't say you should abandon the internet and "go out to the real world". This kind of advice doesn't really speak to people who are introverted, shy or insecure. The internet is a tool - you just need to use it right. If you're really looking for a relationship that goes beyond online interaction, international sex cam sites might not be the right platform. But perhaps a gay dating site (where you could meet guys from your area) would be?

[Borg69]

You really probably should focus on more real life encounters, meeting, making friends, hanging out, and attempting to date REAL guys locally to you. You don't have to rush coming out to the world until you've become more familiar and relaxed in your own skin being gay.

Welcome to GaySpeak!

[CellarDweller]

welcome to the forum.

I didn't come out to myself (and publicly) until I was 27. Trust me, things get better.

[Iceblink]

Although this is a slightly politically incorrect thing to say (given the current climate of "everyone should come out at the earliest opportunity") I am really a firm believer in there not being any fixed timeframe for coming out, both to yourself and to others. Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post, but there is absolutely no obligation to have come out by x or y age. You come out when YOU are ready, and not a moment before. Same goes for being a virgin or not. Do it at your pace. You call the shots, nobody else.

For the record, I came out to "myself" probably when I was not much younger than you; didn't feel free ready to come out to friends until I was 28/29 or so. I only came out to family last year, aged 35.

Actually, that is not the out of the ordinary advice or even the political incorrect thing to say. That is the advice almost always given in this subject.

So let me go against the grain of the usual advice on this subject. Yes, in general you do need to come out on your own time frame, but there has to be some reason. You can spend a lifetime letting fear and excuses keep you from coming out. If you are someone in the closet, there are some realities you are going to have to face. Can you meet that someone you want to spend your life with or at least a considerable chunk of your life with? Yes, but it is going to be more difficult than it is for someone in the closet and not just a little more difficult, but exceedingly more difficult. Your chances to meet someone are pretty much limited to website and apps where you have an anonymous profile name to protect you from being found out as gay, or a gay bar with four walls you can slip into and out of to help protect you from the outside world. Straight people use bars and websites also and like gay people, have some success at it, but they, and gay people who are out, have something that greatly increases their chances of meeting someone- simply living their life and this how most straight people meet that special someone, much more than they ever do at bars and websites. A coworker or friend might know a person that they think would be a good match. A dinner party or some other event that was not set up with the idea meeting someone to date could by chance just result in meeting the right one. If you're in the closet, these possibilities are pretty much out of reach.
Since all of us have pretty much spent our lives living in a straight world, there is something else we can learn from observations of the straight world and it is something that many will probably not like hearing. Look at those straight people you know that have never been married or had a significant relationship, if they've reached a certain age, the possibility becomes more difficult. They become those people we once referred to when it was a women as spinsters. This is not to say if you have reached an age and never found someone to give up hope and stop searching, it is just to say it becomes more difficult after you've started to get up there in age. Straight people and gay people that came out when they were young have already dealt with that period of time of trial and error in dating, the dating disasters, and the start and end of bad relationships and relationships where they two just weren't right for each other and this all takes time. Come out too late in life and you're getting a late start at this. Although it can happen, it is rare that the first person we date will be the one we spend our life with.

It is almost always said to come out on your own time frame and the considerations discussed with that advice are almost always family, friends, work and how those people will accept it. What is sad is these kind of threads about coming out are almost always presented through the difficulty of dating and in the "come out on your time frame" advice the one consideration that almost always seems to be ignored in the advice is the difficulty in meeting people to date and to hopefully someday meet that someone special, the very thing that seems to be the reason for these threads. This is a consideration that needs to be a very big part of the decision to come out because this is the one thing about the person living the life they want, not the life someone else wants for them.

[Cuddly]

Welcome to gayspeak. You've come to a good place for this kind of thing, but it isn't an easy thing to help you with.
Firstly, finding a partner/dating/hooking-up will be much more comfortable if you don't have to worry about hiding your sexuality from family/friends, so coming out is probably what you should focus on. Life is so much better when you're out and honest.
Secondly, you can literally find the love of your life anywhere. Just don't look too hard and you might just stumble upon the best guy ever, when you drop the cucumber at the grocery store and that nice guy next to you picks it up and smiles at you ... or something!

[Dan1980]

Hi welcome to GS.

[ChadCoxRox]

Welcome to the GS family!

I have been coming out all my life and I have never come out. Some know by necessity some don't for the same reason.

My best feedback is twofold. First you say you have a "normal" and "healthy" life. If this is true does this remark in the context of your post imply your thoughts about homosexuality might lean toward "abnormal" or "unhealthy"? Exploring this concept both here and in real life might clarify your acceptance and ease your discomfort.

Second, you might focus effort toward things you know you love with certainty. Whatever those things are you might consider researching and becoming involved in them in an organized fashion within the gay culture of your location. Visual and performance arts? Hobbies? Self help? You may find some great support groups within a reasonable distance to become involved with to either broaden your cultural and/or your social involvements.

Again welcome to GS!