Boyfriend advice

[Anonymous]

Hey guys, Im finding I need some advice in a situation.
OK, so I have dated a great guy for almost a year and things have been great!
We each have our own interests but many interests intertwine so we do a good deal of stuff together and I love him and vice versa as best I can tell.

well, we are hitting a bit of trouble recently, I first started to notice while at my mothers time before last several months ago. She made a comment that I was not allowed to hug/kiss my boyfriend again until he first does it to me (this was a slight joke but pointed something out) I shrugged it off mostly as I understand Im A BIG SNUGGLER haha. It seemed to stay in my mind however and with one of my other concerns, my boyfriend NEVER initiates sexual acts, well I reasoned to myself he has a low libedo (to which he explained to me in the past). Well I mulled over this for a while and finally came to the conclusion he likes me for who I am and is simply not attracted to me. I brought this up to which he responded that if he was unatracted to me he wouldnt have started dateing me. well thats reasonable.

These thoughts did not die down however and I continue to come to the same conclusion. I went on a diet, I went from 176 to 163 starting a week before thanksgiving (god it sucked) and yo yo'd, anyway, Im about to hit the upper 150's probably by the end of next week or definatly by mid-late week after next and im 6'2. I find myself in the bathroom atleast 3x a day makeing sure my hair is neat, brush teeths several times especially after some meals to ensure pleasant breath and that im kiss able, after all this I couldnt get him to act differently.

phase two, I decided to continue with the previouse and never initiate, turn away from him at night rather than spoon / hold him and give him ample possibilities to all he just rolls over and sleeps as usual. after this occured for a little I finally came out and talked to him about it, to which he profusely apologized and said that it was never his intention to make me feel bad and that he would start snugleing me more and try to initiate more. well over the remaining time he was here (distance relationship) nothing changed really and Im still not initiating/ snuggleing and Im sure this sounds like a dang young girl in highschool or something but O_o I cant help it.... what should I do? I really feel less and less close to him ESPECIALLY once I forced myself to stop hugging, kissing, holding etc..

I have come here before for advice and received great help, am a registered user and try to help when I can although I have been away for a while, I hope you guys can share some more wisdom!

I post under anom to spare my dignity XD

[bluedragon]

Hi there,

I would like to know, if your boyfriend is comfortable with hugging, kissing and making out with you.

I think you have to really sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him about your expectations about sex and intimacy and also get to know his opinions as well.

Is the low libido due to medical reasons? Does your boyfriend wish to increase his libido? He can always seek treatment for that.

If your boyfriend prefers to have less/minimum sexual contact with you, are you able to control your sexual urges?

I'm sorry if some of the questions are too blunt but I feel you have to sit down and really think about it in terms of long-term. And also discuss this with your boyfriend.

If you have any other concerns, you can share it here. I hope you and your boyfriend can come to a mutual understanding soon

[Rareboy]

Your mother gave you stupid advice and she keep her nose out of your relationship.

How stupid to withhold or not initiate to prove some point.

[Camfer]

Your experiment failed. Stop the experiment. Initiate all the affection and sex you want with your BF.

[ck86]

Oh I think that mothers should stop butting into their adult grown sons matters.....

Live your own life the way you want to!!

[TwisttheLeaf]

Hey man. Ok so.... I guess something needs explaining here yeah?

It's kind of like being an extrovert vs being an introvert. Your partner has nothing to do with either one, yeah?

Not everyone is an "initiator". I'm not. More now than I used to be, but to be honest? Compared to Gideon I am -not- an initiator and he has often had to remind me "Hey, tell me you love me." or "Hey, would you touch me already?"

This isn't because I'm not attracted to him. I am. VERY much. It isn't because I don't love him. I do... VERY much.

It's that I am not an initiator when it comes to physical contact. With Gideon, I enjoy it when it's given to me, but it never even -occurs- to me to initiate it a good 90% of the time.

Abstaining to "test" him? It's going to put a gap and strain on your relationship that isn't necessary. This more than likely has nothing to do with if he's attracted to you. It's just how he functions, how his brain works. There's a good chance that over time, and with some prompting, you can help him -learn- to initiate more, but it's not going to happen overnight.

As for the losing weight thing. Dude, 160 at 6'2 is way thin. To improve further, consider lifting weights instead and maybe gaining back (in muscle mass) what you've lost.

[jimcrackcorn]

Sounds like you want your boyfriend to initiate the sexual encounters - to make yourself feel more desirable. You've even lost weight in hopes of becoming more desirable in the eyes of your boyfriend. If your 6 foot 2 and only weigh 160 pounds,,, your skinny!!!! Don't try loosing any more weight until you have a doctor ascertain whether you need to loose weight or not.

Perhaps it's time for you to take a hard look inside, and see if your having self-esteem issues, and stop relying on someone else to make you feel better about yourself.

Many of us go thru periods where we don't feel like we are desirable. We loose weight, go to the gym, get involved in physical activities,,, and still feel like our bodies are not desirable enough. Some guys will even keep hook-up apps like Grindr on their phones just so some stranger can text them and say how hot they look. And there are guys who will even cheat on their boyfriends or husbands because they need more validation of their desirability than what they already get at home.

I think your boyfriend needs to understand your need to feel wanted in bed, and be more assertive in initiating sex. And you need to work on your self-esteem issues....

Respectfully,
Jim

[BrianNorth]

Sometimes it's the natural flow of the relationship. I'm not a particularly snuggly person myself. My boyfriend is more so and usually initiates that. I've tried to up the ante a smidge so it doesn't feel one sided for him but in some relationships it's more on one person then the other.

[Laysh]

I agree with the advice of stopping the whole test thing. It sounds like he got use to how the relationship was and by suppressing your true nature, it may cause problems later on. It's a possibility that he is a real shy type when it comes to showing emotions. I would only start to worry if he started to refuse or push away your affection.

[CellarDweller]

playing games or 'testing' your partner is a sure way to annoy your partner, and at the very least, cause some fights.

Some people are not "snugglers" and others are.

You've talked to him, he's told you he's attracted to you, and hasn't told you not to be affectionate with him, so just go back to being affectionate with him.