Missing dating

[ck86]

I agree with [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION]. There's plenty of manly gay men here in the UK. I dislike the use of the word straight acting that a lot of gay men in the UK use as there's nothing straight acting about gay sex at all.

However it's not easy to spot the manly gay man. He's well integrated into society and you'll find him usually content with his life and hobbies. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet but only to use an example is that the nature of my job means that I move to a new job every 6 months or so. Each and every move I need to come out as gay usially after people ask what my wife did for a living (presumptive from the wedding ring I wear) usually leads to a bit of embarrassment on their behalf about their presumption that I was married to a woman and not a man. I've had the conversation with many a colleague who said you can't tell.

Not that we are trying to hide our sexuality but for me this is my personality. I'm open about it to those who ask and if they don't I don't tell unless it comes up.

My advice would be to get involved in social activities where you can meet blokes. Go to the gym. Get to know the regulars there. Who knows who you might meet. In the north west there's a group called outdoor lads that meet up to do things like rock climbing etc. you need to get out there and meet new people and then interests might spark. You can't force a relationship and most form when you aren't expecting it!

[ShiftyNJ]

I can't claim that I'm particularly "manly"

IDK you were pretty convincing with that ice pick

[Cuddly]

Well there is a lot of replies there, and a lot to digest. But I feel I may have confused the point. I am only sexually attracted to manly guys, I only fancy them, to be blunt I would not get an erection for any other kind of guy (or woman) Not the bad boy thing, I don't design my perfect man, clothes etc. But I know exactly what I want and what I like. I do have a very difficult time socializing with other gay men because I often feel uncomfortable, almost threatened when I am around them. I also see being gay as weak (please don't take offensive to that anyone)

I am in fact trying to locate a counsellor or someone to talk to about being gay because for me it is very complicated. In reference to someone's comment above, I don't like to identify myself as a man and tend to not like people to mention attributes about me that are male (like someone commenting on how my stubble looks manly etc) so I don't think that socializing with manly straight men would be what I need. I guess I am just very confused about it all, which is unusual because I know exactly what I want, but yet I don't really want a gay partner. If I could have a straight boyfriend that would ideal, which is crazy I know aggghhhh!

Finally, I don't want to have casual sex, and I don't regret not having it for the last 6 years. It does nothing for me and leaves me feeling bad afterwards. Sorry for the essay! Anyone who can bare to reply please do :-) Dean

I understand nothing.

Gay men are just as diverse as straight men. If you want a manly looking man, then look for that. Only some of us are flamboyant hand twirlers.
In my opinion, there's nothing more manly than a big burly bear and there are plenty of those that are gay.

As for what serms to be your selfloathing, you're gay (or are you infact a straight transsexual?) so you'll have sex with dudes. Every adult has/craves sex, there's nothing wrong with having it.

Casual sex is an opportunity for more than just casual sex, in my opinion. I remember East demanding sex, to see if there's even a sexual chemistry, to build the relationship around.

[alex27]

What is a straight transsexual Cuddly?! Casual sex does nothing for me Cuddly, You shouldn't build a relationship around sexual chemistry!! that's crazy. You should have things in common and get on well first. Ck86 How old is your partner? I have seen outdoor lads before but I don't think I would feel comfortable going to there events. I'm not really into outdoor pursuits apart from walking in the country anyway.

[Darius]

I don't think casual sex proves anything either. What if you have chemistry in bed but no where else? Then what? If you want casual sex just to have sex, that is your choice.

I wonder if what you want sounds good in theory but the reality might be something different. If you have a "type" you might be self limiting. Get to know lots of different kinds of people and maybe you will be surprised what appeals to you. A "manly" guy on the outside might not be that in reality. Just like a less than manly one might have all the other traits that appeal to you on the inside.

[Borg69]

Well there is a lot of replies there, and a lot to digest. But I feel I may have confused the point. I am only sexually attracted to manly guys, I only fancy them, to be blunt I would not get an erection for any other kind of guy (or woman) Not the bad boy thing, I don't design my perfect man, clothes etc. But I know exactly what I want and what I like. I do have a very difficult time socializing with other gay men because I often feel uncomfortable, almost threatened when I am around them. I also see being gay as weak (please don't take offensive to that anyone)

I am in fact trying to locate a counsellor or someone to talk to about being gay because for me it is very complicated. In reference to someone's comment above, I don't like to identify myself as a man and tend to not like people to mention attributes about me that are male (like someone commenting on how my stubble looks manly etc) so I don't think that socializing with manly straight men would be what I need. I guess I am just very confused about it all, which is unusual because I know exactly what I want, but yet I don't really want a gay partner. If I could have a straight boyfriend that would ideal, which is crazy I know aggghhhh!

Finally, I don't want to have casual sex, and I don't regret not having it for the last 6 years. It does nothing for me and leaves me feeling bad afterwards. Sorry for the essay! Anyone who can bare to reply please do :-) Dean

No I am not a submissive guy in that sense, only in bed. I am not interested in playing submissive and dominant games with a guy. Being owned etc I really cringe at a lot of the fetish clubs and things I see! I have a gay friend who goes to a gay club wearing black leather and dog collars etc. The whole thing makes me feel real uncomfortable. I don't understand why gay sex cant be just regular like a lot of straight people. So many people are into sports kit/leather/bears/bondage/watersports/feet/etc. I just find the whole thing really uncomfortable and I always have done.

I don't even know where to begin...

You can't easily be gay while looking down your nose at it. You're stereotyping gays and straights into gender roles, but not only that you view straights as somehow superior. There ARE gay men like you seek... you just don't see them because they're not as obvious as the more flamboyant types you see. You'll never be truly happy in any MM relationship until you accept yourself and see everyone as equals.

[alex27]

So where would I find these gay men that I seek then Borg69? Whenever I come across them online, they aren't looking for a guy like me anyway! I usually find that manly blokes like other manly blokes. I don't feel I am looking down my nose, I am just prudish about sex and don't like all the strange fetishes that seem mainstream in gay society.

[Cinestry]

I used to have 'this thing', it wasn't a relationship because we lived too far away from each other but we did care for each other, with a guy that I would consider manly and protective and he wasn't thinking of sex only, in fact he admired that I'm still a virgin and quite prudish when it comes to even talking about sex. Those guys do exist, don't lose hope on that, you just sound very eager about finding them. Maybe just take a step back and find peace with yourself first, basically what other people suggested do go out and meet people though, I'm not a bar/club person either but there must be something you can do, join a sport club, something creative or maybe even religious societies, whatever you like there are people in real life everywhere.

[alex27]

Thanks Cinestry, you seem to understand. Btw I am not religious and I don't play sport! I also don't drink haha. I am not massively eager to find someone, but after being alone for 8 years I do get lonely and long for someone. Every other thing I enjoy doing there are plenty of people but none that I find attractive and none that are even gay.

It is very hard being gay for me. I am not prudish about sex per say, but don't have any "alternative" fetishes etc. If I fancy a guy, I just enjoy the same kind of sex as would be the equivalent in a straight couple. But its not worth the risk having casual sex and I am also shy so prefer to know the guy fairly well :-)

[Cinestry]

I didn't do any sports or religious things either, but decided to start trying new things so I started taekwondo a few months ago and next Monday I'm going to some Buddhist society for my first ever meditation, haha! I think trying new things like that is a nice way to get my mind off being lonely, I mean right now when its quiet and I'm trying to sleep is when I know exactly how you feel and I hate everything about it, but as soon as I am looking forward to let's say the next taekwondo training I get happier and I think its easier when it comes to your love life as well when people are happier
I don't quite understand what you mean about the sex though, it sounds like you feel like straight sex is normal and gay sex can't be? Obviously it works differently but I don't think that takes away the main point of it. Everyone has their preferences whether they're straight or gay.