JCasey Wrote:Let me get this straight (no pun intended)... you really care for your girlfriend, but you love your boyfriend. Your boyfriend sees other guys, but will commit to you if you dump your girlfriend and come out with him. Your girlfriend is a sweet, innocent, unsuspecting young lady who really likes you.
Regardless of sexual orientation, it is never fair to have two "lovers" where one does not know of the other. Even in Utah, they know that the man has many wives. Given your age, I would say that you likely need some time to evaluate your feelings/orientation before jumping into the fire. Unfortunately, your situation doesn't give you that option. That being said, I would say your best option would be to not come out as gay at this time. If you are not romantically attracted to your girlfriend, then let her know, and let her go. However, if you do that, DO NOT walk down the street the next day holding hands with your boyfriend. You may need to evaluate your relationship with him as well. If he cannot commit to you without you coming out, you may need to consider how that will play out in the future. Please remember that most high school romances do not end in long term relationships, so are you willing to take on the challenge of coming out to satisfy a guy you probably won't be with in 3 years? You need to evaluate whether you are straight, bi, or gay. Given your age, you may not have the experiences to make that identification. Some people are straight, some are gay, and some are Bi, identifying your orientation is not always as easy for all people. If you have been intimate with both your girlfriend and your boyfriend and enjoyed both experiences, it will take time to work it out.
he doesn't want to commit because i have a gf. but he understands that i don't want to come out. but yeah i guess i have a lot to figure out
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Define Out....
For me being out is that yeah sure I'm gay but no big deal. I don't hide it, but I don't take a full page ad out in the newspaper either. Eventually you are going to want to be you however and whatever that means.
Trust me, its a lot easier to have common conversations without having to pick neutral pronouns to discuss your day to day life with your partner. Unless you want to lie to everyone and call your male partner your girlfriend or wife.
Being out is both harder and easier than being in the closet.
Sure, once you are out you open the door to a ration of shit from idiots, but being out also means at the same time you know who is and isn't really your friend. The "freinds" I lost when I came out because they had a problem with my being gay were replaced by new one who were real friends as they accepted me for me and I didn't have to tell lies or hide my life or carefully pick and choose 'them', 'they' and other gender neutral pronouns when talking about my significant other.
Your buddy isn't going to be the only gay guy in your life who is going to want both of you out. It is real hard for a mixed status couple to maintain a happy relationship, especially if one partner is busy hiding the other so often that the one being hidden starts feeling like they are an object of shame.
My father did disown me when I came out. He also disowned my older brother when he came out. This hurt a lot at first, but eventually I replaced my father with a new one, one who actually didn't care if I was gay or straight and who actually became more of a mentor to me than my biological father ever was. The reality is I had several fathers through the years, older, more mature men who took me under their wing and did the dad thing for/to me which in the long run made up for my biological father disowning me.
Now I'm not saying that at your age you should run into your father's study and tell him 'I'm gay!'.
My brother came out when he was 16 and he was literally kicked out of the house because of that. He ended up working the streets of Los Angeles, contracting HIV (back in the early days of HIV) and died from full blown AIDS. Neither of my parents owned their part in his life story.
I would suggest, instead, that if you are this uncertain of your father's ability to accept his own flesh and blood regardless of your sexual orientation, that you stay in the closet with him until you are able to support yourself. Yes, this is using your parent for your own financial and 'selfish' gain. However I can assure you that the mean streets of Anytown USA are as mean today as they were 20+ years ago.
If this is a real fear here, then I also suggest you discuss it with this potential BF and tell him that for you the risk at this time is too great to be out and gay. IF he can't accept this and be support of this very important life altering subject then I don't think he will pan out as a decent boyfriend in other areas either.
Pin the Label on People is what humans do. When you come out of the closet you will become known as 'the gay guy' most likely also known as the 'fudgepacker', 'faggot', 'sissy' and a whole slew of other not so nice terms. All gay men get those labels. We live with it and decide to surround our self with those who see out homosexuality as no big deal.
One thing about being out of the closet is that you get to know who is who, and who is and is not tolerant. You seriously don't want to hang with haters. You see there are other ways labels get applied, and that is by the company we keep. IF you keep company with haters/bigots/intolerant pricks you will be filed under that as well and that is, in my humble opinion, a far worse label than being the only gay in the village. 
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Bowyn Aerrow Wrote:Define Out....
For me being out is that yeah sure I'm gay but no big deal. I don't hide it, but I don't take a full page ad out in the newspaper either. Eventually you are going to want to be you however and whatever that means.
Trust me, its a lot easier to have common conversations without having to pick neutral pronouns to discuss your day to day life with your partner. Unless you want to lie to everyone and call your male partner your girlfriend or wife.
Being out is both harder and easier than being in the closet.
Sure, once you are out you open the door to a ration of shit from idiots, but being out also means at the same time you know who is and isn't really your friend. The "freinds" I lost when I came out because they had a problem with my being gay were replaced by new one who were real friends as they accepted me for me and I didn't have to tell lies or hide my life or carefully pick and choose 'them', 'they' and other gender neutral pronouns when talking about my significant other.
Your buddy isn't going to be the only gay guy in your life who is going to want both of you out. It is real hard for a mixed status couple to maintain a happy relationship, especially if one partner is busy hiding the other so often that the one being hidden starts feeling like they are an object of shame.
My father did disown me when I came out. He also disowned my older brother when he came out. This hurt a lot at first, but eventually I replaced my father with a new one, one who actually didn't care if I was gay or straight and who actually became more of a mentor to me than my biological father ever was. The reality is I had several fathers through the years, older, more mature men who took me under their wing and did the dad thing for/to me which in the long run made up for my biological father disowning me.
Now I'm not saying that at your age you should run into your father's study and tell him 'I'm gay!'.
My brother came out when he was 16 and he was literally kicked out of the house because of that. He ended up working the streets of Los Angeles, contracting HIV (back in the early days of HIV) and died from full blown AIDS. Neither of my parents owned their part in his life story.
I would suggest, instead, that if you are this uncertain of your father's ability to accept his own flesh and blood regardless of your sexual orientation, that you stay in the closet with him until you are able to support yourself. Yes, this is using your parent for your own financial and 'selfish' gain. However I can assure you that the mean streets of Anytown USA are as mean today as they were 20+ years ago.
If this is a real fear here, then I also suggest you discuss it with this potential BF and tell him that for you the risk at this time is too great to be out and gay. IF he can't accept this and be support of this very important life altering subject then I don't think he will pan out as a decent boyfriend in other areas either.
Pin the Label on People is what humans do. When you come out of the closet you will become known as 'the gay guy' most likely also known as the 'fudgepacker', 'faggot', 'sissy' and a whole slew of other not so nice terms. All gay men get those labels. We live with it and decide to surround our self with those who see out homosexuality as no big deal.
One thing about being out of the closet is that you get to know who is who, and who is and is not tolerant. You seriously don't want to hang with haters. You see there are other ways labels get applied, and that is by the company we keep. IF you keep company with haters/bigots/intolerant pricks you will be filed under that as well and that is, in my humble opinion, a far worse label than being the only gay in the village.
damn, glad things worked out for you. i agree with what you're saying and I'm trying to be a better person and not hang out so much with some of my more hateful "friends"
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Camfer Wrote:Hey Matt,
You're getting lots of good advice. It's very true that coming out in West Virginia in high school is a very different experience than doing it in say New York City. The fact that you can pass as straight gives you options that some guys just don't have. You could choose to be the iconoclast and come out as the first gay football player in your school, or you can count the days until you graduate, get into a college far from home, and start your real life then. It's up to you.
Now for a little fun, since you like sports watch the video on this website:
http://www.warwickrowers.org/
Ooooooooh, the Warwick Rowers...... now you're talking.
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Matt23 Wrote:Wow, you all are so nice. Thanks for the advice. To answer your questions: 1) I really care about my girlfriend. She's really supportive of me but I could never tell her I'm gay. I don't know how to break up with her without hurting her, which I don't want to do. Also, I know her family very well, so it's hard. 2) we don't have a gay straight alliance at my school 3) my boyfriend's parents are not much of parents. They have addiction issues so they don't really care about him honestly. Plus, his mom is crazy religious. But he has the support of his best friend's family, which is good. As for my dad, he really takes pride in me as an athlete which is why I don't think he would take it well if he finds out I'm gay. I know my boyfriend really wants to come out, but if he's out and I'm not, it would be hard for us to spend time together because people would get suspicious of me. I know I sound like a selfish asshole but I really do love him.
Matt, thanks for these answers. They help to decide what the options are for you. You're right to be wary of people's reactions in your environment.
You have got yourself in a position where it will be hard to break up with your girlfriend, but, I think now's the time to start dropping a few useful hints to her. Be subtle, if you can. If she's a nice girl, she'll be supportive. For the moment she probably thinks she's got the best thing in life. A jock boyfriend who's sensitive? Which girlfriend wouldn't like that?
It's good that your dad is proud of your sports prowesses, but to be honest, that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation, and your dad should be able to keep his pride in your sportsmanship while being supportive of your orientation as well. We're talking physical health here and mental health, which go hand in hand. He needs to know this.
Maybe your job is to help him understand that the two things are separate. You'll need to start talking about it, or having some 'literature' around showing that it's possible to be a great sportsman and gay as well. Think of Gareth Thomas, Tom Daley, Greg Louganis (I'm showing my age, now, lol) and a few North American sportsmen who've come out as gay recently. Use that momentum to state your point.
There's no reason for your dad to love you less because you're dating a boy. The thing is, it would be nice if he considered that your boyfriend was a nice fellow. Sometimes parents don't like our partners for things quite unrelated to their gender and sexuality, but more to do with their family ties and social background or connections. They don't want you to be in with the wrong crowd, do they? Your boyfriend sounds like a boy who doesn't have the most supportive social background, so you'll have to be his lifeline.
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One more question, Matt. Are sex and sexuality something that your dad and you discuss, ever, or is it a taboo subject at home? Our parents are generally worried about us getting our girlfriends pregnant before it's really time to set up family, and also they'll be worried about sexually transmitted diseases, if they care for our health, but sometimes they don't deal with the sex talk too well. What is the situation in your family?
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princealbertofb Wrote:Matt, thanks for these answers. They help to decide what the options are for you. You're right to be wary of people's reactions in your environment.
You have got yourself in a position where it will be hard to break up with your girlfriend, but, I think now's the time to start dropping a few useful hints to her. Be subtle, if you can. If she's a nice girl, she'll be supportive. For the moment she probably thinks she's got the best thing in life. A jock boyfriend who's sensitive? Which girlfriend wouldn't like that?
It's good that your dad is proud of your sports prowesses, but to be honest, that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation, and your dad should be able to keep his pride in your sportsmanship while being supportive of your orientation as well. We're talking physical health here and mental health, which go hand in hand. He needs to know this.
Maybe your job is to help him understand that the two things are separate. You'll need to start talking about it, or having some 'literature' around showing that it's possible to be a great sportsman and gay as well. Think of Gareth Thomas, Tom Daley, Greg Louganis (I'm showing my age, now, lol) and a few North American sportsmen who've come out as gay recently. Use that momentum to state your point.
There's no reason for your dad to love you less because you're dating a boy. The thing is, it would be nice if he considered that your boyfriend was a nice fellow. Sometimes parents don't like our partners for things quite unrelated to their gender and sexuality, but more to do with their family ties and social background or connections. They don't want you to be in with the wrong crowd, do they? Your boyfriend sounds like a boy who doesn't have the most supportive social background, so you'll have to be his lifeline.
None of the athletes that came out are actually signed to a team though
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princealbertofb Wrote:One more question, Matt. Are sex and sexuality something that your dad and you discuss, ever, or is it a taboo subject at home? Our parents are generally worried about us getting our girlfriends pregnant before it's really time to set up family, and also they'll be worried about sexually transmitted diseases, if they care for our health, but sometimes they don't deal with the sex talk too well. What is the situation in your family?
Idk sometimes. he used to make fun of my gf because she wants to wait until marriage to have sex but he doesn't anymore. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind me being sexually active with girls
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Matt23 Wrote:None of the athletes that came out are actually signed to a team though Be the first one to be so, then... That's all I can say. Do we actually know all the gay athletes that have come out? Maybe some of them are out but didn't make a whole song and dance about it.
Talking of which, many gays in song and dance, don't you think? They're probably out to their teams (and choirs) (and musicals teams) (and orchestras) ... 
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When a friend of mine told his mom he was gay she said that people would use that against him and blackmail him with that knowledge if they found out, that is why he decided to come out to everyone as then no one could use it as a lever.
Still at 16, you have time, and remember some people never come out totally, just in the community. Lots to think about, hope the best for you, take care, stay safe, Jim
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