No sexy with partner of 3 years

[Zurdoknoc]

This is hard to write and admit: my partner of 3 years and i Have NOT been having sex for long periods of time. We have sex for 15 min every 2 months. Lately has been almost 3 months. He said to me lately he is not attracted to me because of the things I've said to him and that seems like it brings bad memories from the past to him. It hurt me bad.....I truly Believe if you love someone you stand by him and don't let the bad memories to get the best out of you. I Haven't been perfect. I hsve done drama....but even thought We don't have sex I haven't cheated on him. I wish could understand how it feels to love someone and do not hace sex. He is 20 years older than me.....maybe he as a phisycal problem but he doesn't want to go to the doctor and find out. His last words :" I do not feel sexually attracted to you because of what you said to ke when we argue". My responde without words "
Ill Get sex On The side without telling u....I love you. I was monogamous to you but selfishness made me made this desition"
Please advice

[TwisttheLeaf]

This is hard to write and admit: my partner of 3 years and i Have NOT been having sex for long periods of time. We have sex for 15 min every 2 months. Lately has been almost 3 months. He said to me lately he is not attracted to me because of the things I've said to him and that seems like it brings bad memories from the past to him.

Are these things you have intentionally said to hurt him?

It hurt me bad.....I truly Believe if you love someone you stand by him and don't let the bad memories to get the best out of you.

Not everyone gets over things in their past easily. In fact, some people suffer permanent mental and emotional damage from their past experiences. This isn't anything to do with standing by your partner, it has to do with YOU being sensitive enough to leave his past alone and understand some shit (both verbally and otherwise) might be off limits.

I Haven't been perfect. I hsve done drama....but even thought We don't have sex I haven't cheated on him.

Good. At least you're trustworthy.

I wish could understand how it feels to love someone and do not hace sex.

Love and sex don't always go hand in hand. Soon after Gideon and I got together, I was raped by my ex. I couldn't have sex for a LONG ASS TIME afterwards. Not because I was physically damaged, but because my head was fucked up. There were certain endearments he couldn't use with me, certain phrases he couldn't say. Hearing them would make me physically ILL.

Yet, even though we weren't having sex didn't mean I didn't love him. It didn't mean I didn't want to be with him. It was just that sex wasn't something I could manage at the time.

He is 20 years older than me.....maybe he as a phisycal problem but he doesn't want to go to the doctor and find out.

He should go get checked out just to make sure nothing is wrong. But honestly, from what you've said in your post here? I doubt there's anything physically wrong.

His last words :" I do not feel sexually attracted to you because of what you said to ke when we argue".

IF you are saying things that are inflicting psychological damage on your partner? This very well CAN cause aversion to sex if it's triggering past memories that would affect one's libido.

Telling someone with that kind of damage to "get over it" is beyond callous. It's fucking criminally insensitive.

My responde without words "Ill Get sex On The side without telling u....I love you. I was monogamous to you but selfishness made me made this desition"

Threats and being an ass are not going to help your cause. You need to figure out what the fuck you're doing that's damaging things between the two of you (which he's made clear is the case) and STOP / FIX the behavior.

[East]

You need to discuss the things that are bothering him ...whatever it was you said....

I don't know what they were but I know a lady who does the potty mouth thing and when she is done it is as though in her mind everything is fine...she doesn't recognize the damage...a lot of it permanent....that she does...and the she doesn't understand why most everyone wants nothing to do with her.....

So you both need to discuss these things that you have said or else nothing will change....

[Virge]

O jeeeez..... There's this thing called Deja Vu that means "I've seen this before"
Then there's "Deja Feces" that means "I've seen this shit before"

June 17th 2014
partner is 56 and lack of sex (basically) by Zurdoknoc
14 replies.

June 26th 2014
No sex in a relationship..... by Zurdoknoc
9 replies.

21 November 2014
Monogamous relationship and keep in touch with former sex friends by Zurdoknoc
8 replies

November 23, 2014
Unbalanced relationship by Zurdoknoc
23 replies....

MOST OF THE PEOPLE GIVING ADVICE NOW ARE JUST REPEATING THE ADVICE THEY'VE GIVEN YOU IN THE PAST!!!

DO YOU HAVE TROUBLE ABSORBING ADVICE OR DO YOU JUST LIKE WALLOWING IN YOUR PROBLEMS AND DOING NOTHING ABOUT THEM????

Maybe you are expecting to get advice you like better than the first four times you asked for it.

In any case just because you enjoy repeating yourself and doing nothing about your problems doesn't mean others have to participate.

But don't worry...I'll help you out.

[Virge]

June 17th..........................


From [MENTION=11919]jimcrackcorn[/MENTION]

I truly know how you feel...

At around the age of 56 or 57,,, my husband started loosing interest in sex also. this occurred at about the same time he started experiencing erectile disjunction. He was still willing to please me, but it just wasn't the same as when we gave pleasure to each other mutually.

This is where I have to admit that I made a major compromise in order for the relationship to continue. I slowly gave up on asking for sex after a couple of years,,, and our relationship became sexless and has been that way for almost 18 years now.

I realize this is not comforting news,,,, and I'm not suggesting that you follow the route I took,,,, it's just an example of how a situation like this turned out for me.

On a brighter note, my husband and I still sleep in the same bed, we hold & kiss each other, and most importantly --- we share our lives together.

Sincerely,
Jim

From [MENTION=13307]BobInTampa[/MENTION]

Ok, i'm 52 and will speak from FIRST HAND knowledge! Taking a pill to help get an erection does NOT address the issue of libido! Lack of libido is a clear indicator of low testosterone. A simple blood test will tell him (and you) if he needs to take testosterone to improve his libido and energy. I took "T" for almost 6 months because mine was VERY low - and i also had lost interest in sex - which was VERY UNLIKE Me - and my partner knew it too.

Within a month of being on treatment i felt so much better and my mind and body reacted much more like "normal" when the even the idea of sex with my partner came up.

Ok, that's just part of the solution. For me and my partner, PORN was a great addition to keeping sex a big part of our relationship. Now, barely a day goes by when we're NOT looking at porn online! We watch it together and webcams and it's fun to talk about the guys we see, what they are doing and how we feel about it. Trust me, the VISUAL stimulation of porn is almost as important as treating low-T!

Bottom line? He MUST get his testosterone checked or NOTHING you say or do will change how he (or his body) reacts to your sexual advancements! The only other option is to make your relationship "OPEN" so you can have your sexual needs met. Otherwise, you're going to get more and more angry and frustrated with the lack of sexual intimacy. DON'T LET IT GET TO THAT POINT!

From [MENTION=17878]Lalo[/MENTION]

Testosterone is not a magic bullet either. There are some serious side effects, including a dramatically increased risk of heart attack. So approach every solution with caution. Having said that, 56 is a bit young to be completely losing one's sex drive. But the issue might just as easily be psychological as it is physical. Some men who are dealing with impotence find themselves questioning their value as partners and subsequently close down to sexual stimulation, even when chemical reversal is available. In other words...this is a very complex issue and one which needs to be investigated on all levels by a competent physician and with involvement from both of you. More than anything, make sure that your partner knows that you are there for him.

[Virge]

June 26th........

From [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION]

I think Bowyn Aerrow's advice is really sound. You say that he refuses to talk about it, so brooching the subject without a "starter" is going to be extremely difficult.

Printing out what you've written here and giving it to him to read prior to beginning a conversation wiill help get over that first roadblock.

You need to approach it in a way such as.... "I really need you to read this and then talk about it with me. Please. I love you and I'm scared."

Something along those lines that will get him to both read carefully, then be open to at least trying to start the communication process.

From @BowynArrow

Print up what you said to us and hand it to him. Then walk away and allow him time to read and absorb your words.

Apparently he doesn't want to talk about it with you or his doctor, so now its just a matter of informing him that because of X I feel Y and let him do the algebra.

It might change the situation if he knows how you feel about it, how it hurts and how you are entertaining getting relief elsewhere. Might doesn't mean will.

If it doesn't work then your options are limited. Stick with it and take one for the home team (sexless relationship) or dissolve this relationship and try to find a partner who can satisfy you in this area.

While I can understand how the idea of cheating may appeal on various levels, you already know that won't end well - and it won't. So that is not a viable option.

Sorry.

From [MENTION=20738]TwisttheLeaf[/MENTION]

I think Bowyn Aerrow's advice is really sound. You say that he refuses to talk about it, so brooching the subject without a "starter" is going to be extremely difficult.

Printing out what you've written here and giving it to him to read prior to beginning a conversation wiill help get over that first roadblock.

You need to approach it in a way such as.... "I really need you to read this and then talk about it with me. Please. I love you and I'm scared."

Something along those lines that will get him to both read carefully, then be open to at least trying to start the communication process.

[Virge]

21 November 2014................

From [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION]

Actually, if you ask me, you're both "guilty" and immature.

Staying in touch with ex-sex partners isn't at all uncommon. Hell, straight people usually deal with their exes on a regular basis, do they not? I stay in touch with a couple from my past, as does my partner. And I think that's true of most couples I know. Sometimes, the falling out was painful, and they don't keep contact, but otherwise, there's no reason to cut contact because "now I'm seeing somebody else".

He made some bad moves. He should've been more open about his relationship with them. He should've kept everything above board. And there's not much to gain from name-calling and blame-shifting. That said, there was no reason to call him up and tell him "don't call here anymore". Because sorry - you don't get to dictate his relationships. You can make your opinions felt, but at the end of the day, it's up to him. He WAS accurate after a fashion - your response to this has been somewhat immature. There's almost never a call for a "nuh-uh, he's MY man now" routine, and it certainly doesn't seem like there's any call for it here.

As pal said, it doesn't seem like the relationship is on very stable ground. You might give some serious thought as to whether you want to put in the time and effort to fix the foundation, or just let the thing topple.

Lex

From [MENTION=21912]BrianNorth[/MENTION]

Yeah I think the both of you have done things that are wrong here. I see a few things.

#1 ) You're anxious about him communicating with past flames. You see it as a threat to your relationship and akin to cheating.

#2 ) He's on the stubborn side so there isn't much dialogue that isn't loud and unproductive.

I can really only say what I'd do in such a situation. You've got something you are bothered by and he should address that. If he has a healthy friendship with this person then it's not fair for that to stop. I'd only see it going against your commitment if he's sexting the guy.

So in my opinion he should be addressing the trust issues and lack of relationship confidence. Seems to be the root cause. Some need more reassurance than others.

[Virge]

November 23 2014...................

From [MENTION=21912]BrianNorth[/MENTION]

This sounds like the perfect scenario... for him. You're paying half his bills and getting nothing out of it. At minimum I'd be asking for an agreement that you earn a portion of the mortgage payment. At one point I owned a house with an ex and what we did was split the value of the principal we paid off as I was paying 50%. So if we paid 100 dollars off we'd each get $50 if something happened. It enabled me to walk away from the relationship with a future ahead of me.

In all honesty I think you need to leave. He sounds greedy and self serving. I'd advocate having a dialogue about your concerns but he sounds like he's stringing you along until you get annoyed with paying his bills.

From [MENTION=21991]Lhan28[/MENTION]

Wow.... What a good partner you are, I don’t think that he is not into a serious relationship. You said you give everything in love for him but receive nothing or you did, but not what you are expecting for. You definitely should find someone who’s going to treat you as equally as you treat him. You’ll get fed up one day and ask yourself “Why am I putting up with this? You need to decide if he is the kind of person you want to be with in the long run. Finding the right guy or partner is not an easy task. It can be disheartening to feel like you have found a potential partner, but you are not getting the attention you need. The last thing you want to do is settle with him, fix everything or feel like your boyfriend is not just really for you, as simple as that....

Each person in a relationships deserves to be loved and treated with respect. A relationship should be balanced, with both people giving and receiving. When you find yourself doing a lot of nice things for him, such as his laundry and cooking him food, giving him what he always requested even you dont want it, make sure you are getting some perks in return. But if it’s not.... man.... It's time to end up the relationship if you are not getting your needs met because he is not really for you. Why settle down with that kind of a guy if you are doing everything for him? I know that some of us sayin that if you love someone and give something don’t expect in return. But that kind of guy? Wooooooo... I don’t think soo... Come on... You deserved to be loved by someone who deserve your love and appreciate your value.

From [MENTION=21495]Rareboy[/MENTION]

Jesus.

Why not just get 'welcome' tattooed on your back and lay down in front of the door so that he can wipe his feet on you when he comes into his house.

You are being used and I suspect that he feels that you are using him.

Time for you to look for someone more compatible for you...someone who sees you as an equal partner in the relationship...probably someone who is at the same stage in life so that the two of you could build something together.

((((AND MORE FROM RAREBOY))))
I don't know what you are looking for then.

It sounds as though the two of you have developed a co-dependent relationship that isn't satisfactory for either of you but both of you are comfortable with. You are lazy so he does the housework. You're grateful because he 'Lets' you have your own kids every other week and buys them cheap gifts.

Not a life I'd choose for myself or recommend for any man...but until you see how unequal and emotionally unbalanced this whole relationship is.....I guess you're both stuck with one another.

Why not ask him if he'd have any issue with you going out and fucking other guys?

From ME

@Zurdoknoc. I've been reading this thread since you started it and waiting to comment.

1. I have noticed many times in here hen guys write about their unhappy relationship on page one on page two they tell more that makes the relationship sound less bad. You did that.
2. My man is a psychologist and totally disapproves of giving advice on relationships in this way because except in extreme circumstances all advice given is based on just one half of the story. I learned that from him in our own relationship 2 years ago when he and I began talking about things I felt he was doing wrong to me -- like not committing to be a real couple. He wanted to continue dating other men. In my eyes that was wrong of him. I ended the relationship. He came to see me for the first time "just to talk." He explained things from his side. He was afraid to commit to a relationship with me because I was then 22 and just starting college, inexperienced with men and relationships, very impulsive and... I spent too much. We also lived 8200 miles apart and saw no way to ever live together. I travelled 4 times a year to see him -- for 4 years, He explained he loved me more than anyone ever but he didn't know how things could ever work out for us.... Everything changed when he looked at me for the first time like he was scared and asked me to help him figure out how to make it work for us. Right them at that moment all the hurt I had felt for him was gone. We stayed up for 3 days and nights, sleeping in our clothes when we couldn't stay awake longer. In those three days we wrote down everything to do to try to help us BOTH see how to make it work. Before he left and went back home we were a team. We stopped being "me" and "him" working to achieve different things, and expecting different things from each other. Everything we did was focused on helping us find ways to make a relationship work with so many many many things against us. We had no idea where we would live (near my home or his -- 25 hours apart by jets) We just began becoming better people and better friends to each other because we were a TEAM working for what was best for this thing called "us" not the best for "me" and not for "him." Once that happened the doors flew open for total trust with each other -- and that made the teamship even stronger.

.................... more things I've learned...........(everyone in here is bored with me repeating them.) hahahaha!

3. Expectations. When you begin to expect others to act as you want them to even in a relationship you are going to be hurt at least 75% of the time. Why? because your expectations of someone were not met!!! The solution is to expect very little or nothing. That way you are always surprised and appreciative and seldom disappointed. That is hard to start doing, it was for me. But now expecting nothing makes every tiny thing he does for me like a huge surprise wonderful gift. This important because all people enjoy making other happy by freely "giving" of themselves. No one likes the feeling of being expected to do what others think they should do. You don't seem to like being expected to pay so much for the house and bills. He probably doesn't like some or most of the things you expect of him.

4. How having no expectations pays off. By not expecting you make it easy to please you. the easier you are to please the more the person giving feels motivated to please you more. Over time it transforms into two people being more concerned about pleasing each other than they are concerned about being pleased in return. I can't tell you how he feels about it but he goes to extremes to please me because he enjoys the feeling it gives him. The same goes for me. I think days, weeks and month ahead about things i can do just to please him by freely giving from myself and never expecting anything back (but that seldom happens anymore!!!)

5. Being able to talk about everything, anything and nothing and enjoying it because you're talking to the person you know you can trust and rely on to be more protective of your weaknesses and fears than you are. Think about it. Shouldn't the man you are in a relationship be the first person you can talk to about everything. Shouldn't he be the one who should know every fear and weakness you have in order to be strong abut them? Shouldn't you also be all those things to that man? That takes time, willingness and trust to build up. The good thing about starting it is once it's started it cannot be stopped. It will become a race to see who can reveal the most about themselves. The upside is YOU can stop worrying about your fears because your partner will become more understanding and protective of you because he knows them. To others it will look like jealousy but you will not feel that way. You will feel protected and watched over..... and it's the best damned feeling in the world.

6. Laughing and having fun. That doesn't mean going out to eat or sitting in front of a television at the same time. It means being able to enjoy every damned thing you do together no matter how dumb or small. My last time at his house we say in our underwear in the floor from midmorning to late night sorting out his collection of seashells -- then wrapping them to be packed and shipped. We laughed and had fun the entire time. We even do nothing together -- and I mean nothing. Just lay together with no music or TV dozing some, thinking, talking a little, just touching the whole time. All I have to say sometimes is 'do you wanna help me brush the cats?" and he'll leave a TV show he's watching and get excited about brushing damned cats.

7. Sex. Once you get 3-4-5-6 going sex should become great and often. 3-4-5-6 are the basic elements of deep attractions. The more you become closer and on the same team the more you will both desire sex....and want to please each other more and more and more and more.

8. ( I say this all the time) Rather than look for a man to spend the rest of your life with,
become the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Once you've become the man you want to spend your life with.
There will be a line of people around the corner waiting to help you do it.
The only person on earth you can really change is you.

I'm done preaching. I've got 13 days before my man gets off a plane for the last time in his life for a few years, moving into this house I am practicing calling "ours" instead of "mine." When he gets off the plane and we get in the car exhausted from the 24+ hour trip I'll show my care by handing him and ambien and a double shot of cognac so that he can crawl right in bed and wake up on the 27th whenever he wants to smiling, rested and ready for all the unpacking and other crap it takes to really make a home together. I've already told my business partner (StingRay) he's handling all my email and business for a while so I can deal with the important stuff. We've put nine years into this, come through hell and nearly killed each other a few times to get to this point. He's giving up his life in a big city for me and I'm I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure he never regrets it.

Good luck and I hope I helped.

[Virge]

Something tells me that I spent more time writing my own answer to you than you spent reading all the answers to the combined 5 threads you've started about this.....

Does the problem become more clear now???? If not.... read these words you wrote above

"I Haven't been perfect. I hsve done drama"....

[SIZE="7"]No Doubts
In our minds
About that
Anymore!!![/SIZE]

and to be honest...
if you do this type thing to your partner it's no wonder he doesn't want sex.

[MarkmBha]

20 years is quite an age gap.
You might want to start thinking about your long-term relationship.