How to deal with online 'cheating'?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Thanks Cuddly. My problem is that I'm not sure I've right to demand that. Relationship is about compromises. Middle ground. And I'm not sure if it's ok what he's doing, and I'm just trying to justify him to myself, or is it really ok and I'm just trying to force myself into this perfect-picture-no-one-else-in-the-world loving relationship from rom coms...

I'm very lost.

Relationship may be about compromise and middle ground, but it's also about caring about how your partner feels and how what you do affects them. He needs to realize that he's -hurting you- and correct that behavior.

I would print out what you typed in your original post and sit down to have a quiet, calm discussion with him and let him read it. He needs to know that he's hurting you. It's possible after opening up about being hurt that --both-- of you could benefit from some couples counseling.

Also, I need to point out. Even if it's "just online cyber" there can be an intense amount of intimacy shared via online and cyber activities. Gideon and I are in a long distance relationship and often use online venue to create the intimacy we need when we can't be together face to face. So discounting something as inconsequential due to it being over the computer is a very bad idea.

[lonley]

marathlone, I just want to give you my take on this and I may be way off and I do not mean any disrespect . First off I have to say that I do not agree with some of the things that have been said ,if you feel the need to follow behind him and watch what he is doing then there must be a reason I am not say that you are right in doing this . I can see why you are up set and honestly I feel that you have a right to be upset I have no problem with talking to other men online . However the naked pics and the sex stories or sexting is out of line and it is not just porn to me it only says that he is not really happy with at home for what ever reason . I do think that you need to have a serious talk with him and think about what lies ahead for the two of you .I do not see him stopping this behavior and that makes me wonder if you will be able to salvage your marriage . I hope that I am wrong in saying this but are you sure that he is only doing this online and is not really seeing anyone in real life . Like I said before this is only my thoughts and I am sorry if I have said something out of line and upset you that is not my intention at all . I hope that you will be able to work things out and please let us know how things turn out .

[BrianNorth]

Sounds like a very long conversation is in order. I don't want to worry you but I find it very very... disheartening that he didn't open up more when you started talking to him about his Twitter account and admit he had other accounts. There is some deception and misdirection there for sure.

With any relationship surprises like this are not good. The more accounts you find the more paranoid and untrusting you'll be. It goes from curiosity to paranoia quite quickly. Sit him down very shortly and have a big discussion about your relationship. Set boundaries exactly where you are comfortable with them. Having a 'monogamish' relationship is perfectly fine provided both parties know where the lines lie. In your case sounds like the Twitter account is fine but anything more personal is off limits.

[Hardheaded1]

There is no way to know how it will end.

It is obvious that your husband loves you, and you him.

Some spouses eventually quit their philandering. And some spouses eventually accept that philandering is about sex and living together in love is about companionship. I'm not an advocate of cheating, but I am an advocate of thinking very carefully about what it is you and he want.

My grandparents were just such a couple. He had always been a rounder, but quiet. When they married, there is every evidence that he returned to skirt chasing after a few years. She stuck it out. Yes, it was a different era, and there were two children involved, but I don't think that is all there was.

My grandmother was totally in love with him. She was patient and forgiving, and to be sure, she gave him reasons to look away. But, in the end, they didn't stay together in bitter commitment. They stayed in love. It is a lasting reminder to me that everything isn't simple. Everything isn't storybook. We don't always get what we want in life and love.

You'll have to choose. He'll have to choose. You don't know how you'll feel after it all changes. And it definitely is all going to change soon, whether you break up, or whether you learn to live with a new reality. He can't be cured from his affection for porn if he doesn't want to. And, as has been stated here, it's not porn any longer, it's philandering, by proxy at least.

But, be careful about the martyrdom. You need to own your spying, as it is a damaging act all by itself, almost as damaging as his wandering, and possibly related.

[East]

My advice might sound scary ...and it is for alot of people....

My suggestion is to embrace his fantasies and let him share them with you...talk about the guys who turn him or you on while you are having sex.....let him show you what he would like to do to whatever guy he is attracted to....

The thing is...we are all brainwashed to behave a certain way and we all know who the "good ones" are and who the "bad sluts" are...and we have love defined for us and it is rarely what the fantasy tells us it is "supposed to be".....

Most fantasies are just that...so why do so many of us expect the fantasy to be our reality in a relationship? Hollywood, romance novels...and the Bible have pretty much fucked everything up.
Fact is....there is a very good chance your partner has wicked fantasies about other men but thanks to the bullshit fantasy of "only have eyes for you"...so many people delve into lying and cheating rather than owning their fantasies and sharing them with their partner. Too often..the partner is threatened and goes into the wounded housewife tirade and the "you don't love me" nonsense.....which forces most people to keep it all "secret"...what a waste of a life to lie about it in my opinion...

If a guy we are in love with fantasies about fucking someone else...so what? It doesn't mean they don't love you are aren't attracted to you.

He has been honest...now it is your turn. Alot of guys can't handle their man thinking about or lusting after someone else. The happiest relationships I know of...where the couples are very close..share their fantasies...it is healthy ...unless of course you are very religious and think lust is a sin :eek:

[lonley]

I think I understand what you are trying to say east and it does make some sense to me ,but I do not agree with one thing that hardheaded said and I quote It is obvious that your husband loves you, and you him. I do not agree at all I think that marathlone loves his husband and yes is getting a little paranoid and to be honest who would not be ,however I do not think that his husband cares for him the same way if he did he would not sneak around and send pictures of him self to other men and act like it is no big deal . Fantasy 's are one thing but I do not think it is one when you send another man your naked pictures and act that way .If he cared at all for marathlone he would not do that . I can see him looking at other men and talking to them but he is going too far with this one and I am sorry but I feel that this is a form of cheating and its not right . Yes before you say it I cheated and I am not proud of it at all I wish that I could go back and undo what I did but I can not and I accept what has happened . I wish you all the best marathlone good luck and hope it all workd out for the best