marriage issues

[Bricg1970]

Sorry to come back, do you have any idea how is he feeling, what is happening in his mind to go that way or simply why? I wish all the best,

[princealbertofb]

It sounds as if someone needs a wake up call. To me, if you're both going to engage in sex with one another, you should do it with protection. There has been too much unsaid for you to consider that it's safer anymore. The question is: do you still want to have sex with him? I know science and medicine (and meds) have moved on but two wrongs don't make a right, and I'm afraid that your health really will be at risk from all this deceit. Did you know he could be careless like that?

[princealbertofb]

To be practical, get a hepatitis vaccine shot.

[abritabroad]

Thank you for the additional feedback..
Well i started this thread while he was still away on the business trip and last night he came back and it was so difficult for me to allow him to be close to me..I can see he is really hurting now too and willing to do everything to make this work but i feel so insecure now i am questioning his motivation.. is he too scared to consider what it might be like not to have the relationship..? I wasn't ready to talk last night when he came in the door. he was relieved to be back and had wanted to fly back early but i would nt let him.. we went to bed last night and he asked if he could hold me and i said i wasn't ready for that. neither of us really slept.. in the early hours he said to me that he has deleted all the apps and he doesn't think that the open relationship is as important to him as it is to me..which is actually interesting and making me think now..he feels that the encounter with the masseur that ended up as sexual was more about the massage and the feeling of being touched and that the unsafe sex was an unexpected byproduct.. i pointed out that he went back 5 times so he must have had some time to reflect on what he was doing to actively decide each month to return for more..even though he says he felt incredibly ashamed and guilty. He feels that cutting out all the sex outside will make him address those needs with me within the relationship and bring him to come to me more when he has that stress..
He has said he will not have sex at all outside the relationship now.. but has no expectation for me to do the same. and has no issue with me continuing to be open... that is so difficult as i was actually enjoying the freedom that we had with that within our rules and its making me feel very stressed to look at how our relationship would be if i had to stop the sex outside of it.. I have issues with sex too and it is my way of relaxing and the affairs i have outside keep me on track. he says that for him the sex outside makes him feel guilty and ashamed and closing down whereas he feels for me it adds something and i bring that positive energy back in to our relationship and the sex that i am having outside i want to share and bring in with him.. I am very confused by my own feelings now..On one side this sounds like an ideal scenario.. he stops sex with everyone outside of the relationship and i am like the cat that got the cream allowed to have the sex outside and with him and to decide on who when and where to bring in a third party if i suggest and we agree... In an ideal world that would be great.. but i also feel that that is not fair and allowing me to be selfish and perhaps i should be giving something up too..even though i didn't break the rules.. God this is so bloody frustrating!! in the short term i can see that we can try to just go back to a monogamous relationship but i am not convinced how long that will last..and i am worried that he will be able to meet all my emotional needs and that we will be able to meet each others sexual needs..
What to do?????!!!

[abritabroad]

btw princealbert - we have both had hepatitis vaccines against a and b and both had all std tests and are totally free..in terms of hiv we both are now and have always been undetectable and are on the same one tablet a dy medication without health issues. I think your ideaa about practicing safe sex within the relationship for now might be an idea in the short term..

[abritabroad]

first appointment with the counsellor/psychologist that knows us both this afternoon.. Anxious about it but it will be good to start working on the issues we have and moving forward with some solutions.. Wish me luck!! thanks for the support so far from everyone and advice and questions.. The feedback really helps and its good to be challenged and get others perspectives.. I welcome more feedback so please dont hold back!
Tks Guys and Girls!

[East]

I am not sure why really...but I feel bad for both of you. I sense there is something tragic maybe underlying all of this for him.... and possibly for you as well.

I hope that you both can find a solution in therapy that will enable you both to grow together and as individuals.

[abritabroad]

thank you East.. I think you are absolutely right..
There is something underlying this behaviour and there are issues on both sides..
We both really want to fix these issues but i know that there is not really a quick and easy solution here..
I am hoping that we will both be enlightened a bit and he will find the courage to step forward and address what he is really feeling.
He hates confrontation and we do deal with things in different ways but in some ways that is what makes our relationship stronger..
Back to my original post we have in all other areas a fantastic relationship together except for this gaping breach of trust which has surfaced on the sexual side but i think there are feelings of insecurity and fear and shame and guilt involved here too..
Anyway.. i,m hopeful that we will be both feeling better after the session today with the psychologist. he is a great guy and is good at pushing buttons and identifying issues.
we saw him many years ago together when we negotiated the open relationship.

[MikeW]

One of the difficult things about dealing with couples in a forum like this is usually we're only getting one side of the story. So, I want to echo what [MENTION=18508]East[/MENTION] said above. This sounds complicated.

I can see you have yourself in a bit of a knot…

i am like the cat that got the cream allowed to have the sex outside and with him and to decide on who when and where to bring in a third party if i suggest and we agree... In an ideal world that would be great.. but i also feel that that is not fair and allowing me to be selfish and perhaps i should be giving something up too..even though i didn't break the rules.. God this is so bloody frustrating!! in the short term i can see that we can try to just go back to a monogamous relationship but i am not convinced how long that will last..and i am worried that he will be able to meet all my emotional needs and that we will be able to meet each others sexual needs.. What to do?????!!!

A "knot" being an internal contradiction, catch 22 damed if you do and damned if you don't situation.

Indeed, what TO do? So… what is the fundamental problem here? How can you both get your needs met in a way that doesn't require making promises you *can not* keep?

[Camfer]

A lot of soul searching and talking for the two of you. The counselor should help a lot.

Probably best in the short run to close off the outside sex partners for both of you while you're both figuring things out. Take a sabbatical to gain fresh perspective.

If you end up deciding on the 'only play with others together' option, make sure you and your boyfriend are really on board with it 100%. You don't want to draw another person into your unsettled relationship.