I'm not attracted to my husband

[BlueSky]

Sorry this is so long, I need to get this off my chest as I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve gotten myself into the biggest dilemma of my life and it’s literally making me sick. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for 10 years. We’ve been married 5. When I agreed to be his BF, I didn’t find him physically attractive. I thought physical attraction would grow eventually but I’ve never gained any. I love him but in a platonic way, he’s basically my twin to the point we’ve been called brothers. We have sex once a week and when we do it’s usually just assisted jerking off. I feel no desire to kiss him or show him much affection but I do care for him deeply.

I moved in with him to get away from my parents but I’ve never had the guts to end it. I’ve noticed a pattern that has repeated itself in 2009, in 2011 and now. I start feeling depressed, I think something is missing and question our relationship. It bubbles up to a breaking point, either I talk to a therapist, we make changes or even worse in 2011 I cheated on him. I forget needing attraction and he seems fine. It’s like a convenience relationship.

He have a nice house and stable life, everything should be perfect. Damn attraction, why oh why is it missing! I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to him or me. I want him to feel the need to dissolve this marriage too but I don’t know how. I’ve feared spending the rest of my life alone, never connecting with someone again. As an introvert I don’t have many friends and fear not getting along with another partner. Frankly at this point I feel no relationship is better than one formed out of convenience.

I need a strategy to gradually bring this issue to his attention. I know it will take months but it needs to be done. I also need to find people I can talk to. Finding and keeping friends, a completely different problem for me.

Would it make sense to start doing more activities without him? Becoming more obvious in my daily jerking off without him? Calling out other guys I find attractive?

My parents lived in a romanceless marriage, I can’t drink myself to death like they did.

[Cody]

Well, most I can say is tell him bluntly. This sneaking around isn't good for either of you. Don't do what you asked, in my experience it'll make him feel pretty bad.

Sometimes blunt honesty is the best medicine to give. That's all I can say.

[Iceblink]

I need a strategy to gradually bring this issue to his attention. I know it will take months but it needs to be done. I also need to find people I can talk to. Finding and keeping friends, a completely different problem for me.

Would it make sense to start doing more activities without him? Becoming more obvious in my daily jerking off without him? Calling out other guys I find attractive?

That is just playing games. If you do not have the guts to just tell him how you are feeling, get couples counseling and let the counselor assist you in letting your true feelings be known to him.

[Lexington]

You're perfunctorily jerking off together once a week - I think he's aware that "the spark isn't there". This isn't something you need to tiptoe into. It's something you need to address straight on.

Lex

[Rareboy]

I'm with everyone else.

Either accept that you are in a passionless marriage and see if you are both amenable to a more open relationship or explore whether you would both be happier apart.

By your own admission, you entered into your relationship for the wrong reasons.

Marry in haste; repent at your leisure.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"I moved in with him to get away from my parents but I’ve never had the guts to end it."

"He have a nice house and stable life, everything should be perfect."

"I’ve feared spending the rest of my life alone, never connecting with someone again."

Basically:

You got into the relationship for the wrong reason, you are in the relationship for the wrong reason(s) and refuse to man up and face the consequences for the wrong reason(s).

I am pretty certain he has a rather large clue as to the true nature of your 'marriage' and has accepted the terms here.

"I need a strategy to gradually bring this issue to his attention. I know it will take months but it needs to be done."

Um no. This is what you want what you need is to put it all out there and face it straight on. Want and Need are two different things.

"Would it make sense to start doing more activities without him? Becoming more obvious in my daily jerking off without him? Calling out other guys I find attractive?"

It makes perfect sense if you like to torture people and do selfish acts to cause more harm and damage to people. If you hate this man so much that you want to prolong this and do as deep and severe of damage as you can, then this is the way to go.

If you love him in some small way, if you want to actually get free before your potential dating life ends at age 30, you have to do this boldly, openly and honestly. That means either writing him a letter like you wrote us, or you need to say "Look, I love you, but I'm no attracted to you and this marriage is not going anywhere."

Pussy-footing around, playing 'nice' and trying to find ways around the explosion that will follow will only lead to a larger mess to clean up, with more hurt being done to both sides of the issue.

[abcd1234]

I was in a similar situation but fortunately I nipped it in the bud from the very beginning.My boyfriend of 3 months wanted to get more intimate but I kept putting it off hoping My feelings would grow for him.I couldn't keep fooling myself.He treated me good but the sexual feeling just was not there.He turned me off in other ways from having an ass that smelled to being a slob with appearance,house and car.Finally I had the talk with him and at first it was painful but now he agrees to just being friends.Now I'm free to pursue a very attractive barista boy who I'm really attracted to.And it's working out fine so far.You have to be true to yourself.Have a talk with him and find somebody where the attraction is mutual.You'll feel like a great weight was lifted off your shoulders.

[AlfredM]

Been there,done that. But it didn't took me a whole 10 years to realize that,I'm surprised you took this long. Echoing others, stop playing games, man up and end things. Feelings are going to be hurt, most probably on his part more so than yours, so try to minimize the damage if you still care about this person.

[reaper]

[MENTION=12444]Bowyn Aerrow[/MENTION] hit the nail on the head. Your idea to start doing things on you own and commenting on other guys being hot is pathetic to be honest. Are you really so much of a coward that you would rather play a cruel game and cause this guy unnecessary pain because you don't have the guts to speak your mind.

Sorry to be so blunt but your post justifies it. If you care about this guy AT ALL you won't go about things in that way.

Tell him how it is, he will be hurt, but not nearly as hurt as he'd be if you go through with your prolonged game!

Tell him the truth, maybe you could have a more open relationship and get your sexual satisfaction somewhere else and he could do the same. Or you could part ways.

[LJay]

Either end things and take off on your own, or get the TWO of you to a therapist. It seems there is some good in your relationship and understanding each other more openly may help the rest.