Husband in midlife crisis demands a houseboy (permanent threesome arrangement)

[Jry]

I’m 28 and my husband is 47 and we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 (gay couple).

Five years into the relationship he suggested having threesomes, until I finally gave in and we set our rules: we’d both agree on meeting that person, always together, and only for sex. Last December we met an 18 year old guy (let’s call him James)for which he sort of fell in love with (they were chatting way too much, the guy is totally his type, and I felt my husband was becoming less interested in me. He also asked James if he wanted to be a backup boyfriend in case things didn’t work well with me). He did all this while always reassuring me that I had no reason to be concerned!

Last month he dropped this huge bomb on me: he said he hasn’t been happy for the past YEAR(!), that he isn’t sexually attracted to me as much as before (and modesty aside I am good looking, fit, attractive and could get laid in less than 10 minutes if I’d want to) and that he didn’t love me as much as before. He said he wanted James to become our house boy/slave boy and live permanently with us, and that he wants to travel the world (literally selling everything we have to travel the world like gypsies). This was all said within 1 hour; I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that I had been married to this stranger; I couldn’t and still can’t recognize this person.

I made some research, and given all these sudden changes, and his complaints about work and our relationship (complaints he never mentioned before) I came to the conclusion that he is going through a midlife crisis and wants major changes in his life, as if that will compensate for what he considers “time lost”.

I am strongly opposed to having James with us, since it’s clear that he is indeed a threat to my relationship and that I am at risk of losing my husband to a boy we met 2 months ago. James also wants to come live with us, he says he likes us both, but clearly he likes my husband best… James and I are bottoms and my husband is the only top.

My husband has demanded that James comes to live with us and has literally made that a deal breaker for our relationship: that I must accept it, or we should split because he wants to be a dominant top with a submissive slave boy.

I love my husband very much and would do anything for him, but I can’t understand why he is doing this to me, how can he put our relationship on the table like this? He says he still loves me, and wants this threesome arrangement to work, but I no longer feel safe in this. I don’t want to leave him because I love him with all my heart, but I don’t even like James… I have no idea what to do.

Do I try to see if this arrangement will work at all? Should I just leave my husband, even if I love him and have been together and faithful to him for the past 10 years? We got together when I was 18, I’m not sure I want/am ready to start a new life from scratch…

[BobInTampa]

First off, let me say that I'm very sorry for what's happening in your relationship.

I'm going to guess that you already know the answer to your question, and you're just looking for validation, because the way in which you posted your question, there's really only one answer - it just hurts to accept it....and that is...break up and move on!

Allow me to expand!
First, i do NOT belive this is a "midlife crisis." I say this because i find it hard to belive after 10 years together, you never knew he wanted a Master/slave or Dom/sub relationship. I'm betting he DID tell you, and that you played the role for a while, but you ACTUALLY wanted a traditional (equal partner/non fetish marriage). If i'm wrong, then thats even MORE reason for you to break up because if he DID keep this desire (fetish relationship) from you for so long (or just sprung it on you recently) then your relationship is already very disfunctional to the point where even if he gave up on this boy and the Master/slave desire now, it WOULD come up (or something else would) eventually.

Next, i'm a bit surprised that ONE YEAR before you 2 got married, he demanded you have 3ways! This is something that should have been talked about years before and, to be honest, the fact that you married this man a year later after giving into 3ways - even tho you DID NOT want an open relationship - tells me that you might be co-depdedent. That's something you should really talk to a therapist about because if you don't, you might find yourself in the same situation with a different guy in a few years!

Finally, I don't think the fact that you and your husband met when you were 18 and this new guy is 18! I know this might sound hurtful, and you might feel used by him, but i'm betting that when this new "boy" gets a bit older, he'll kick him to the curb and find another young "boy" to replace him. Guys like your husband have a different view of what it means to be in a full, equal and committed relationship. And unless he gets counseling, he will not change. When he said he's not attracted to you sexually anymore validates my belife that he likes "boys" not MEN. So, as you've grown older, you no longer fit his "fantasy" of what he's sexually attracted to. SO, it's not that you're ugly - you've just gotten OLDER! I'm also betting that he's fairly wealthy and is the primary breadwinner in your marriage. I'm betting also that either you DO NOT work or that if you do, his income far surpasses yours. Why is that important? Well, whether we like it or not, he who makes the money, feels empowered to drive the relationship and feels entitled to have the final say on everything.

I'm betting also that if you're not working, you have no financial means to live on your own right now - and he KNOWS that. He has power over you emotionally and financially.

Now, i know that gay marriage is not yet legal in the UK, but i thought you had at least domestic partnerships. If he wants to break up, you need to find out if your marraige entitles you to some sort of financial support if you break up!

So, while it pains me to say this, i fear that he hold ALL the cards and that if you give in to the boy moving in, it won't be long before he either kicks you out or you leave out of pure depression.

Its critical that you find some support system - friends, family and really do try to find a mental health counselor who's got experience in working with gay couples. YOu're going to need help to get thru this - and you're not going to get it from your husband.

[SolemnBoy]

This might come off as a bit too harsh, and for that I'm sorry, but if your husband values the opportunity to get a "submissive slaveboy" more than your relationship, there's nothing left you can save. Move on as well as you can - it doesn't sound like a midlife crisis at all, but of course it's impossible to tell based on the description alone. I'm sorry about everything :/

[Counselor]

It actually sounds like an infatuation, which seems silly to pursue after a decade of a steady relationship.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Bob has pretty much covered all the bases.

It looks very much as if your between a rock and a hard place at the moment, and your husband feels he is in a position to completely dominate the relationship. I fear this is all going to end in tears and your going to get terribly hurt (more so than you are right now) if you don't regain some control of your life.

I do wonder, give everything that you've said, whether he's been playing around behind your back and without your knowledge. You don't just turn your back on a 10 year relationship, especially one where a CP is involved, without thinking through all the consequences.

Relate (the relationship council service) also offer same sex couples advice. Have a look at their web site for some information (google them)

The next fe days and weeks are going to be really tough. If you have some people close to you that you can talk to (immediate family) then I would reach out to them as you will need all the emotional support you can get.

Use the forum as much or as little as you want. There are plenty of good listeners in here who can offer advice based on their personal experiences.

Good Luck


ObW
x

[Eromir]

This reads a bit like bad fiction in the vein of Shades of Gray and seems just as dysfunctional.

Such an arrangement can work only if all of you accept the situation, but it sounds like you can't. He clearly doesn't think of you as an equal, which for very few submissive types can be fine, but is it for you? He is ready to sacrifice your relationship for a sex toy, so screw him and move on. You are still young, so don't worry about starting from scratch.

I also don't believe that this could be caused by a midlife crisis, that would just be a nice excuse for making him the victim in this.

If I'm also partnered with a much older guy, but our relationship works because we both are fiercely interdependent and equal. If my partner put forth such an ultimatum I'd dump him in a heartbeat even if i do love him a lot(but I know that he never would). Strong dependence can only lead to problems in the long run.

[HomeagainNYC]

I am sorry for the situation your have found yourself in.

Given what your husband is demanding you go along with, you need to get away from this toxic situation as quickly as possible. You have been/are being seriously manipulated, and it not going to end well for you.

You have admitted you don't feel safe anymore; it's not hard to see why. That admission alone, is more than enough to make a break.

This in not a midlife crisis, but a rather grim control issue of your partner - not only is he controlling - he is cruel on top of it. To ask some to be a back up boyfriend to you is the utmost form of cruelty.

Why should you be forced to participate in a relationship that pollutes your boundaries?

I know you say you love him, but what I think you might mean, is you love what you thought he was.

He has unmasked himself - take a good hard look - do you really want to be part of his reality?

[MisterTinkles]

I’m 28 and my husband is 47 and we’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 (gay couple).

Five years into the relationship he suggested having threesomes, until I finally gave in and we set our rules: we’d both agree on meeting that person, always together, and only for sex. Last December we met an 18 year old guy (let’s call him James)for which he sort of fell in love with (they were chatting way too much, the guy is totally his type, and I felt my husband was becoming less interested in me. He also asked James if he wanted to be a backup boyfriend in case things didn’t work well with me). He did all this while always reassuring me that I had no reason to be concerned!

I only needed to read that one paragraph......

I would have dumped his ass right THEN and THERE.

Those personality traits scream "CHEATER"!!!!

Dont need that crap. Got enough crap in my life.
Dont need no lieing, two timing, player either.

Better off alone.

[Rainbowmum]

I am so very sorry this is happening to you.
Unfortunately when you agreed to the threesome you accidentally gave him the power in the relationship.

I think he will keep pushing the envelope with you.
Time to take the power back .

Sweetie you cannot be in a loving relationship that has ultimatums , that's not love that is emotional blackmail.

If that was my husband I would have thrown him out years ago.
That being said I admire the amount of patience you are showing in this , but under no circumstances should you become his doormat.

[Pix]

I'm not so sure it's midlife. Some men are very attracted to a certain age range, and I think you outgrew it and now he wants a replacement, and in 10 years he'll want a new sex toy.

In any case, it's too bad you married this jerk. :frown: