problems with my boyfriend and my gay best friend

[AlfredM]

Ask your bf to put himself in your position,being made to choose between the 2 people he loves. Personally,I think he should learn to get over his jealousy. And maybe you could tone it down talking about your GBF in front of him? Just my 2 cents.

[LJay]

Yes, talk it over. With both of them separately and then, perhaps, together.

I have been watching a set of videos of an old TV show where the hero, a rogue, is good friends with a proper lady. Her husband, early on in the series, said, "I don't understand your friendship but I understand that it is important to you." He still protests when the two of them get into situations, but he tolerates, too. It seems to me that any really sound and long lasting relationship can include such friendships if the partners are secure with each other. In you case, I think your boyfriend needs to understand that, too. Any chance the two of you can actually party with gbf and smooth things out?

I do know that one of the finest real marriages I know of had a husband who, when asked where his wife was, replied, "Oh, I don't know. She's up to something or other. I'll see her tonight." Worth pondering.

[leslie]

The gbf understands totally, it's the bf who has the issue I like the idea of talking separately then all together. I have way way toned down talking about the gbf in front of the bf unless it's absolutely pertinent. Just wish I didn't have to. But I can be myopic now that I realize it. If my bf talked a lot about some other woman, even if she was gay, I'd have issues too. It would be hard to understand anyone else that close to his heart.

[meridannight]

So help!!!

what exactly do you need help with? he likes dick, you don't have it. no help is gonna change that. instead of dwelling on how ''perfect you and your friend are for each other'' you should be out there finding a boyfriend who is compatible with you. right now, you don't seem so attracted to your current one.

[leslie]

you know what else sounds like a dick?? yeah thanks buddy. because affairs of the heart are just SO simple to figure out now aren't they?? whatever.

[Rareboy]

^ I think that if you just go back and read everything you wrote...the answer to this should be very clear to you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Seems to me that the problem here is that you want your cake and eat it too.

You treat the GBF as if he is your lover, you hang with him, share all of these experiences, apparently are constantly thinking about him - why don't you two just go and mate and get it over with?

Oh yeah, he's gay.

Humans are not as complex as we think they are. They are animals, driven by a larger, far older animal brain than they are driven by the newer (and vastly smaller) fore brain of logic and reason.

Like it or not you are pushing buttons on your BF's animal hind brain, he has no more control over that part of the brain than you have over when you menstruate - you are going up against biological imperatives which are hardwired in humans.

While Humans do have a few more eons of evolution and have evolved a somewhat advanced ability to reason, humans also evolved as a social creature where social activities are part and parcel of the whole 'survival of the genetic material' thing which sex is also part of.

I suspect that what has happened in the BF is he accepted and allowed all of this talking and going on and on about the other man to go on until its become unbearable. now at the drop of the GBF's name all of those angst and angers and threats to his position in your life all come back up. you are not dealing with just the conversation you are having now and the emotional impact it has on your BF, you are also dealing with all of the other previous conversations and the emotional impact that those had.

What I find interesting about the Birthday Gift story is your emotional take on the situation. Oh after the fact he bought me a gold watch, while my real lover knew exactly what I wanted and got it for me before hand.

No those are not your exact words, but it is what you are saying - even if you are not aware of it.

"And that's a problem:frown::frown: if my gbf and I had the right equipment for each other we'd be together no question. We have often shaken our heads at that cruel irony because we are perfect for each other."

I have to wonder how many times you have said this to your BF. No you may not have articulated it and used words, but then body language, facial expressions, tone of voice and behavioral patterns makes up 60% of human communication. Words only make up a small portion of what a person says when communicating.

Each casual touch, each glance, how you hold your body, and of course just bringing up the GBF is telling your BF a lot more about your feelings for the GBF than you may think.

You are, most likely, constantly rubbing John's nose in the fact that he is only your BF because your first choice isn't sexually compatible with you.

I fear that no matter who you get involved with as a lover, as long as your GBF exists and you hold this desire/need/want for him to be your lover because other than your sexuality you are perfect for each other your going to be telling every other matting partner that they are only #2 in a situation where their biological demands that they be #1 (until you have offspring).

[meridannight]

i'm thinking that the boyfriend is compensating for having picked up on her emotional more-than-friends attachment to her friend (or lack of her emotional attachment to the bf).

it's not that he is worried about the gay guy stealing his girlfriend (like that's gonna happen). it's probably in the fact that she sees/wants the friend more than a friend. no wonder the bf feels the way he does.

but i'm repeating myself, although i first said it in less obvious terms. Bowyn nailed all the deeper insight.

[Lexington]

Does your gay best friend have a boyfriend?

Lex

[ShiftyNJ]

Does your gay best friend have a boyfriend?

Lex

Scroll up, that was covered. They don't like him because he's square.