Desperately need some advice

[Leo27]

Hi everyone. I really need some advice as I am at a cross roads and feel completely helpless. I am a 27year old gay male. I started experimenting with guys about a year ago but always knew I liked guys.
8 months ago I met a great guy...not exactly my type from a physical aspect but otherwise he was just a genuinely awesome guy. We started dating soon after we met (did the long distance thing and saw each other every other weekend) and we both very quickly got attached and fell in love (I know it seems fast but it's true).
He was everything I could've asked for - caring, loving, would spoil me, helped me through some very difficult times etc.
Only problem is physically I was never really that attracted to him. And I know looks wont matter in 10-20years but physical attraction it is still an important part of any relationship.
Problem is I am a very sexual person and I only got to fool around with a few guys before I met my bf. (He was my first gay sexual partner). I always felt that I never fully experienced my "single fun phase" and it continued to bug me. I found myself flirting with other guys and even chatted to previous flings.
This bothered me greatly as I never saw myself a someone who would cheat on their partner. Recently an old fling contacted me and asked if we could meet up again. This guy is very attractive but only wants fun and nothing more. I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend (which was my first mistake) and secondly I actually considered his suggestion and even invited him over one night (luckily he already had other plans).
I don't know why I did this as I really love my bf and I don't understand why I was willing to sacrifice our relationship for a one-night fling.
My bf has unfortunately always been a bit jealous and mistrusting and recently started snooping on my phone (which is wrong on his part) but I guess justified after what I did. He saw the messages and was obviously hurt. We then decided to rather breakup - I didn't want to hurt him further and he felt like he was holding me back. After loooong chats and many many tears we decided to call it quits.
This all happened in the last week. I am completely devastated and have never been so sad in all my life. Can't sleep, can't eat as i'm constantly feeling sick to my stomach. I miss him every second of the day and I am crazy in love with him. We always talked about how we would grow old together and now its all gone.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not looking for pity...I know I was wrong. All I want to know is did we make the right choice. Is it worth giving up our relationship? I was unhappy sexually/physically but is that more important than the emotional bonds we had? i'm just afraid that if I don't get this "fun phase" out of my system and we get back together, then I might just do the same thing again and hurt him even more. But is this "fun thïng" that I desire really a phase or will it always be a part of my life? Am I wrong in feeling this way...is it normal? I don't want to lose him over something so stupid but I also don't want to have regrets and resent him when we are older.
I even suggested that we could consider having 3somes/4somes occasionally - that way I can have my fun and nothing happens behind his back. Originally he was very open to the idea but a day later he said he wont be able to go through with it.
These past few days have been hell. I am so afraid I am throwing away a once in a lifetime chance to be happy.
I feel like if we are going to get back together then we should do it soon. Please help.

[Borg69]

Sounds to me like you just threw away a good thing over some pretty shallow reasons.

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS!

Here's the thing about people. We're dynamic. We change over time, and not always in obvious or reliable ways. For instance, most guys seem to drift from "wanting to play the field" to "wanting to settle down" as they get older...but not everybody does. Some guys want to settle down from the get-go, others never want to settle down, and I've known at least one guy who went from "I'm a one-guy man for life" for decades...to playing the field now.

When you get into a relationship, you of course now have two dynamic people involved. Your wants and needs and desires might change a bit (or a lot) over time. There's no telling whether or not your desire to explore is something that can be "satisfied", either by having X number of guys/encounters, or simply over time. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. If you're like the average guy, it probably will recede somewhat. But there's really no telling.

Relationships do come with compromise. Most of the compromises are fairly easy to deal with - you learn to put your laundry somewhere else, or he keeps his music turned down, or what have you. You made a compromise at the outset - "although he's not really my type physically, I'm willing to give up sex with everybody else in exchange for this awesome relationship". And apparently that worked...temporarily. Eventually, as is often the case, you started taking a second look at what you gave up...and perhaps took what you did have for granted. (We always daydream about the car or house or thing we DIDN'T buy, not the one we did!) And you took a chance at playing both sides of the street, even though you apparently didn't really get to. And it seems that sort of ended up costing you your relationship.

Do I think you could get back together with him now and make it work? Sure. But I think the allure of sex with hotter (or even just different) guys will always be there. And if he's not interested in having the relationship open to whatever degree, you'll have to go back to him knowing full well you're not going to be able to scratch that itch.

Do I think you SHOULD go back to him? I can only go by your post, but I'd give a very hesitant "no". You apparently thought for quite a while about the (one?) way that the relationship was unfulfilling. This wasn't a sudden, moment-of-weakness thing - it's something you seem to have mulled over for awhile. Given this, I honestly think you should stay single, and perhaps play the field for awhile. As I said above, it IS possible (but not definite) that this is something you can "get out of your system", and if so, no better time than the present. Mind you, if you decide you really can't live without your guy, and want to get back together with him right now, I'd be the last to say no. As I said, this is a very slight preference in one direction.

Is it possible that you can play the field awhile...maybe get it out of your system...and THEN go back to him? Yeah, it's possible, but I wouldn't plan on it. He certainly shouldn't have to "wait for you" - he's got his own life to live.

Lex

[ShiftyNJ]

Physical attraction( or lack thereof) is more often than not a show-stopper. If you haven't read this thread, you should. It's a guy in your same position who decided to stick it out, hoping the attraction would come.

You're 27 and newly out, which means when it comes to dating guys, you're emotionally 14-15. You also went into a LDR which puts extra strains on trust and retards the getting-to-know-you process since you are only together sporadically. Your man sounds like he knows what he wants, which is monogamy and commitment. He contemplated giving into an open deal to please you, he would likely soon be resentful because you are more interested in sex with other people. If there is that much emotional chemistry between the two of you, why not see if you can build an honest friendship with him, and maybe down the road you'll see him in a different light, or maybe you won't, and maybe he'll still be up for it, and maybe he won't,. But if you are both capable of salvaging what was good between you, it could be valuable to have this "genuinely awesome guy" in your life.

Loss is hard, that doesn't change, but you will get a better understanding of what is important to you, and how to communicate what you really are looking for up front.

[jimcrackcorn]

Sometimes,, "loving someone" isn't enough to keep a relationship going.

When you think about the amount of time actually spent having sex,, verses the amount of time spent doing other things during the day,,, you would surmise that sex shouldn't be all that important when it comes to long term relationships. But,,,,,, it is. Especially when you are young and the relationship is new.

You made the same mistake that many people (straight or gay) often do,,,, you jumped into a relationship with someone you were not physically attracted to, and/or you were not ready to settle down.

You asked if this "fun thing" is just a phase. It might be,, or it might not be. It depends on what's going on in your mind, and why you feel the need to experiment sexually with others. Some people treat sexual encounters like a game where they see it as a score board for sexual conquest. Some people need to feel desirable, and seek out others to fulfill that need. Some people enjoy the excitement of having sex with someone new - it's almost like an adrenaline rush. Sometimes it's just being young and adventurist,, and wanting to experience the wild side of life.

Many people in long term relationships feel tempted to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Some will cheat on their partner a couple times and then settle down. Others will open up their relationships to include a third party. And some break-up..............

This was your first serious relationship. Learn from the experience and make changes so the same thing doesn't happen in the next time around.

Sincerely,
Jim

[CellarDweller]

Did you make the right decision? Yes. Now maybe your ex will find someone who loves him and is attracted to him as well.

[BlueSky]

I think you definitely made the right decision. I'm in the same situation (my post was already quoted). A healthy relationship needs attraction. You got out before you invested too much time.

I'd casually date and get use to your sexuality before getting involved with another LTR. I regret not doing so before jumping into my current one.

[meridannight]

This all happened in the last week. I am completely devastated and have never been so sad in all my life. Can't sleep, can't eat as i'm constantly feeling sick to my stomach. I miss him every second of the day and I am crazy in love with him. We always talked about how we would grow old together and now its all gone.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not looking for pity...I know I was wrong. All I want to know is did we make the right choice. Is it worth giving up our relationship? I was unhappy sexually/physically but is that more important than the emotional bonds we had? i'm just afraid that if I don't get this "fun phase" out of my system and we get back together, then I might just do the same thing again and hurt him even more.

But is this "fun thïng" that I desire really a phase or will it always be a part of my life? Am I wrong in feeling this way...is it normal? I don't want to lose him over something so stupid but

we don't have the answer to those questions. it's your life. your decisions.

it seems to you right now that you will have it better the more guys you get to experience and sleep with. it's true that a guy should have that. he should absolutely get to be with different guys, and learn about sex, and how different guys can be different, and all the fascinating parts about being and interacting with men. but life doesn't happen according to some schedule on how it all should be. in your case, it seems love happened before you got to go through that phase. what're you gonna do. some others get to have all the casual sex and numerous hookups but no love. some do get both. but it never follows any plan, or predetermined destiny. and you don't have the perspective until it's all done.

so. that's what the reality boils down to.

P.S. i'd go with the guy i'm in love with. but that's me. i know what i want, and i've never been confused about that. i also know that while casual sex is satisfying, it pales in comparison to the connection i have with someone i love. i know this from experience. and maybe it is impossible to know it any other way.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

No one can tell you if you made the right or wrong choice. Few of us are oracles, and those of us who are learned long ago to keep our mouths shut about many matters.

Time will tell you (eventually) if this was a right or wrong choice. This process is called 'experience'.

And yes part of the experience thing is 'trial and error' and I will tell you this: there will be lots of errors along the road.

however you will learn from each experience and will, hopefully, come away with new lessons which you will apply to your future and (try to) not make the same mistakes again.

For instance, this cheating thing, you understand more keenly why its not a good idea to cheat on a person. You can't go back and undo it, nor undo the consequences, you can, however, choose to learn the lessons and not repeat that mistake again.

I would advise you to go out and sow your wild oats for a while - mind I want for you to always use protection.

I think you need a bit more 'sex-perience' to get somethings out of your system before you settle down to a long haul same sex marriage where its the same sex day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after crawling decade until you die....

Putting it that way makes marriage sound more like a chore - no?

[Leo27]

Thank you everyone for the replies. Makes a LOT of sense. I'm not openly gay yet so I don't have anyone to talk to regarding this aspect of my life. I really really appreciate all the insights, comments an advice! I have a lot to think about but these comments definitely helped.

Thanks again.