3way with my bf

[Virge]

My situation with 3 ways and 4 ways was different than yours. My guy was the 2nd guy I was with. He suggested group sex with him and others as a way for me broaden my experiences. We did them off and on for over 2 years until he finally showed his first signs of being possessive and stopped them. I was happy about that! hahahaha!

That was over 5 years ago and both of us can never see us doing that again. Like Bricg said above -- ❝a relationship without communication is doomed to fail❞ Open honest communication about EVERYTHING is the one thing we work hardest on. If it ever does become an issue for us again we both know the first person to run to and discuss it is each other, not strangers.

Your guy played you with talking about he was afraid he'd get drunk and something would happen. He was just pre-blaming the booze for what he already wanted to do. Nothing honest or open about that, is there?

The way I see it there's three ways in this that you aren't giving up more than your getting.

1. You can tell him no more three ways or cheating and he'll end up sneaking off behind your back for it.
   
2. You can continue with the 3 ways which you aren't into.
   
3. You can kick him out and have nothing left of the relationship.

You just have to decide how much you want to give up before you have given up too much.

Actions have consequences. Decide how much of the consequences you really feel you should bear for things you didn't choose.

❝Est modus in rebus❞
There is a measure (or middle ground) to things

[Darius]

My bf and I love each other very much.

Don't mean to sound rude, but are you sure about this?
It sounds like you love him alot, but what you say about him doesn't give me the impression he feels the same way. He sounds very selfish, in fact.

[TwisttheLeaf]

When we began this love affair I thought monogamy was the track we were on.

There is no such thing as monogamy in a relationship until monogamy is discussed and agreed upon by both parties.

Recently, he informed me he was scared he might get drunk and something could happen.

The answer, then, if he cares about what the two of you have and wants it to be monogamous? Don't get drunk. It's not that hard.

The problem is afterward. I feel very sad. Like I lost something sacred.

Because you have, man. You lost that exclusivity that you clearly cherished and, IMO, opened the door for him to screw others without reservation. It sounds to me like you two really need to discuss your relationship status and what you want out of it in depth, and honestly.

I'm trying to excuse those things under the " he was drunk" file, but it's not easy.

Let me tell you a secret about being drunk, yeah? It lowers inhibitions. What it does not do, is turn someone into another person. It simply lets the "inner person" that they usually bury and hide out to the surface.

My bf is not the best communicator when it comes to emotions or situations...

Some things are worth pushing for that communication. I would say a relationship that's important to you would be at the top of that list.

I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's either accept it or don't.

Why is it that YOU have to accept it or not? Why is it that HE doesn't have to accept monogamy or no relationship? If it were me? I'd be making it HIS choice. Not making it yours to do the accepting and being trod upon like a doormat, yeah?

What this boils down to? You need to talk and communicate with your partner. Not surface communication, but IN DEPTH communication, whether he wants to do it or not. It's important and you've already waited way too long to do it.

[Pyromancer]

I don't know much about group sex, gay or straight, but alcohol...yeah. Had my first rehab when I was 15, my 5th (and last) when I was 21. Sober ever since.

I did a lot of insane stuff when I was drunk. BUT I never did anything I didn't secretly want to do. I did stuff I wanted to do but didn't have the balls to do sober. And I excused myself with, "But I was drunk" so many times that my buddy had it printed on a T shirt for me.

Your BF seems to be looking for an excuse to do what he wants to do and not suffer any consequences. I feel like the issue here isn't about monogamy, it's about honesty. And "not being able" to talk about feelings is a great way to get what you want. John Wayne was my role model lol.

I can only imagine how hard this is and the way it's tearing you up. Maybe instead of focusing on his needs and feelings, focus on your own. Is being with him worth the price? And even if he says he'll stay away from other guys, will you trust him? You need to make this about you, because this is ultimately going to be your decision.

[Beaux]

Thanks Lex. The problem is, when I talk he shuts down. I don't think he is able to listen and/or understand. I think my depression from this stems from knowing I have only 2 choices. Stay and accept it or leave someone I love. I've done the leaving thing before, but do most gay relationships end up this way? Either one ( or both cheat) or the relationship is opened. Your point is very well written. Thank you.

Different strokes for different folks, but it certainly isn't the way it works in MY relationship works! I had been involved in a 3-way with my ex-wife before I met my husband, so I knew the problems that can come from 3-ways (it seems like someone ALWAYS feels left out...) and made clear from the beginning that monogamy was the ONLY option if he wanted to be with me. I have had very good friends who had open relationships that worked well for them and I have friends who tried 3-ways and it ruined their relationships. I have no idea how many people engage in open relationships, but I think that it is fewer in number than those who remain (or try to remain...) monogamous, but that is just my opinion of course.
~Beaux

[Rareboy]

Mess.

I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said.

My question to you though is whether you think it is better to stick with someone you 'love' and feel depressed and hurt for the rest of the limited lifespan of this relationship....or take the risk, set yourself free and work on finding someone who values you as a person and is faithful to you.

[Semaj]

Literally in the exact opposite problem of having a 3some.
So probably not the best for advice as everything has been said.

[Iceblink]

Recently, he informed me he was scared he might get drunk and something could happen.

He's making excuses for bad behavior before it actually happens? That is just lame. Hmmm...maybe we should all try that and see how it works. "Hey boss, I know the company picnic is this weekend and I wanted to let you know beforehand, I'm scared I might get drunk and call you an effin bitch."

This weekend, after several drinks, we had a 3 way.

Usually couples that are in open relationships and couples that play together, both agree and desire that type of relationship, but okay, you compromised, people in relationships sometimes do that.

I went along even though I had my reservations and I wasn't attracted to the 3rd at all.

So you agreed to try a threesome, something you're not into, and you compromise again by letting it be with someone you're not attracted to, but obviously he is. When does he start to give a little something in these compromises? You know, if it is only one side giving something in a compromise, that is not a compromise.

You really need to think about if you want to be a part of a relationship where you are the one making all the sacrifices. Without talking to him to at least let him know how you feel, you're setting yourself up for a life of unhappiness. That rock and a hard place you were talking about, unhappiness and misery is what is usually between those two things.

[Virge]

Literally in the exact opposite problem of having a 3some.
So probably not the best for advice as everything has been said.

Yeah. Don't take this as an insult but when it comes down to 3 ways almost everyone who does them finds out sooner or later all they've done is waste their time re-inventing stupid and fucked up things that weren't broke to begin with.

After my few personal experiences, then reading about them on forums and hearing people IRL talking about them there's not but three or four ways for them to turn out and none of the are better than the ways things were to begin with for a couple doing them with others.

[East]

The first time I ever had a three way it was not pretty. I was a walking nightmare and I unleashed hell on my boyfriend....

...fast forward to the end...different guy...much older...and I was completely secure and at ease and I wanted my BF to have the best time of his life..never gave it another thought....zero insecurity and I felt like it added to my life and subtracted nothing...

The road from point A to point B was long and full of bumps....

Along the way I had to confront myself...my insecurities...my feelings...and it turned out more than OK which is kinda funny because the first time ended with me crashing into a house drunk....I was a mess....

Everything in life can be a learning experience ...unique to you....so you can learn a lot about who you are in the process.

I don't know what the answer is for you though...my answers and insights evolved as I did....what I believed 40 years ago was different than what I believed 30 years ago...and different again 20 years ago...and different again today....

Good Luck!