So I was with this guy I'm really interested in and we were around some of my friends. Danny's kind of...well, he was wearing eye makeup and black stuff on his fingernails. Gorgeous...But anyway, there wasn't any way for them to mistake what I was feeling and my friends were being mostly cool with us until one guy got up in my face and said, You're f-ing with us, right? About - and he pointed at Danny - this? I tried to defuse it and said something like, F-ing WITH you? Nah, we're not into 3-somes. So he said, What? You're all of a sudden a queer? You're f-ing this fag? I don't much care what the douche thinks of me, but I could see Danny was hurt and embarrassed and it pissed me off so bad that I punched the guy.
So a few of the other guys said he was out of line and just ignore him and I know the way I reacted was stupid. But what do I do in a situation like that? I never even imagined dealing with anything like this before.
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I'm not going to step in to this and try to advise until after I've thought about it. There are some other things in this that you aren't telling, aren't there? Take some time to tell us more.
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You need to find better 'friends'.
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"Yeah, I'm queer, and yeah, I'm fucking him. Because he's a much better person than you." That's really all you had to say.
Lex
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Virge Wrote:I'm not going to step in to this and try to advise until after I've thought about it. There are some other things in this that you aren't telling, aren't there? Take some time to tell us more.
What I've already posted previously is that I always ignored/suppressed any attraction I might have had to guys until I met Danny. But Danny has been hesitant and saying he's not interested in being some straight boy's secret experiment. So some people here said I need to show him I don't just want sex. So I've been trying to spend time with him and include him in regular stuff in my life. And it was going pretty good.
But I guess a piece of the problem is I haven't done any official coming out thing. I hate labels. And what am I? Bi cause I've been with women? Gay? Curious doesn't cut it, more like clueless. I don't have family, my mom is dead and I haven't seen my dad since I was 16. No siblings, maybe a cousin or 2 in Cuba,, who knows. I told my 2 best friends and they were supportive. As for every one else, IDK - if I show up with Danny in a situation where it's clear he's my date, do I need to make a freaking public service announcement? And if someone is a jerk, will telling him ahead of time make him nicer to Danny?
So, is there anything I've missed? Bear in mind the one true label. Clueless.
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Pyromancer Wrote:But I guess a piece of the problem is I haven't done any official coming out thing. I hate labels.
Well, that's all well and good, I guess. But you're going to surprise people if you just suddenly show up with that-guy-you're-having-sex-with-and-doing-date-type-stuff-with-but-maybe-he's-not-a-boyfriend. And by doing so, you're kinda of putting Danny in the crosshairs. You're letting HIM do your coming out for you. That would be fine if he tells you he'll do the heavy lifting for you. But it just sounds like you sort of put him in that position. So he has to be there while you explain your complicated sexuality to everybody, and has to deal with your friends' (and friends' friends') dumb questions and occasional homophobic comments. Whereas if you had TOLD these people that you were now dating/screwing/whatever-term-you-want-to-use this guy now, they could've gotten it all out with you, without dragging Danny into it at all.
See, that's what "coming out" is all about. It's not a political thing or a chance to get on the soap box. It's just letting everybody know. So they know you are (or at least might) be dating a guy. So gay guys know they might have a shot with you. Keeping people informed - that's it.
Lex
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"Thank you for playing, you have been voted off the island."
Or words to that effect are given to those who are intolerant and you stop hanging around them, talking to them, being their 'friend'.
Through the years I have voted many a people off my own personal island simply because they were racists, bigots, haters of one sort or another. Not just homophobes.
Lets make one thing clear here, birds of a feather flock together. If your flock are haters then it will be assumed that you're a hater too.
Are you a hater?
If not, then find a new flock to be part of, one that reflects what and who you are.
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There's a lot of terms you could use to describe that guy... "friend" isn't one of them.
Some friendships are unconditional for life. Some are very weak, conditional, and short term.
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I probably would have punched the guy, too.
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Lexington Wrote:Well, that's all well and good, I guess. But you're going to surprise people if you just suddenly show up with that-guy-you're-having-sex-with-and-doing-date-type-stuff-with-but-maybe-he's-not-a-boyfriend. And by doing so, you're kinda of putting Danny in the crosshairs. You're letting HIM do your coming out for you. That would be fine if he tells you he'll do the heavy lifting for you. But it just sounds like you sort of put him in that position. So he has to be there while you explain your complicated sexuality to everybody, and has to deal with your friends' (and friends' friends') dumb questions and occasional homophobic comments. Whereas if you had TOLD these people that you were now dating/screwing/whatever-term-you-want-to-use this guy now, they could've gotten it all out with you, without dragging Danny into it at all.
See, that's what "coming out" is all about. It's not a political thing or a chance to get on the soap box. It's just letting everybody know. So they know you are (or at least might) be dating a guy. So gay guys know they might have a shot with you. Keeping people informed - that's it.
Lex
So yeah...you kind of hit me upside the head with this one. You found a very polite way to tell me I was being a complete dick. Point taken. And thank you. Danny is...well I don't want to screw this up. I don't know why I've been so determined to treat this like a non-event, like it isn't going to change anything in my life and everyone else had better fall into line. You've given me a lot to think about.
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How To Deal With Homophobic Jerks When They're Supposed To Be Your Friend
