Left Over Trauma From Attack By A Stalker

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Sounds like you are experience PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). One of the symptoms is avoidance behavior, the other is feeling guilty and or 'stupid' or similar emotions which are illogical.

Panic is typical when presented with the chance of going through the same trauma type event. I suspect you may also have nightmares and/or flash backs as well. Flash backs are triggered by events in the current situation which can bring to the front the same emotions to full on reliving the event again.

The worst part of this is you are male and were victimized by a woman. Unfortunately the majority do not take this as seriously if the genders were reversed, and worst, because you are a man people call into question your manhood. Due to this most men do not see the assistance of the authorities, nor do they seek psychological help.

I'm sorry to report but there is no magic bullet that makes this all go away. Depending on your symptoms and how badly this affects your day to day life there are medicines that treat the symptoms, however that is only treating the symptoms. Treatment for the cause is therapy.

You have lost your trust in humanity - the whole kit and kaboodle. Yes one event, one person betraying you can make you distrustful of all people. Once that happens you need therapy, counseling, and need to rebuild trust in humanity as a whole.

There is no way to explain what you have been through in a simple, pat way that most people will be able to understand, because most people haven't been through this sort of traumatic event.

Some will call it 'drama' and walk away, others will feed off of this and make it worse. Then others will simply not understand and just not deal with you or it.

A good therapist can help you figure out what tools you need to work through the panic, to cope with the stressful emotions and learn how to reopen those doors you closed. Its not perfect. And it only works if you really work it.

As to why it is you draw these types like a magnet, its because you are you. Victims of abuse usually are attracted to personality traits of abusers. Abusers are attracted to the personal traits of victims. This is a well known phenomena and happens a lot.

Breaking that chain takes serious study of the behaviors and personality traits that you have that make you an open invitation to those who would cause you harm. Then you need to work on changing those behaviors, or at best realize when you are displaying them so you can gauge how the person you are interacting with is reacting to them. This of course means you need to get a bit of an idea of the personality traits of those who hurt you.

Since abusers don't come right out and say 'I'm an abuser', they have all of these tricks they have to gain your confidence, they appear charming and nice and decent when you first meet them, its not until later, once they get close to you and you are ensnared in their web that the real them comes out. Seeing that web as its being weaved early on can make it possible for you to get away before the shit hits the fan.

This is another area where a therapist can assist you, learning about yourself, learning about those others who are attracted to you for the sake of doing harm.

I will tell you this much, if you try to fix yourself on your own and 'break through' this on your own chances are very high that you will only do more damage to yourself and end up putting yourself through more misery than you need. I made that mistake, burying/hiding forcing myself to play the 'I'm normal/Everything is Okay' game and it didn't end well.

Thus I hope for your sake, you see professional help. There is no shame in seeking help.

[Albie]

I wish I had better advice, but if you are worried about people asking to Skype or for a pic, I say just respectfully decline. Anyone who has a problem with that is probably not worth talking to anyway.

[MikeW]

Very sorry you've had to go through such a terrible and frighting experience and are still dealing with the consequences. Thanks for trusting us enough to share your story. If there's anything we can do, let us know.

[Hardheaded1]

Remember that your trust is your privilege.

But, to deal with the real problem, which is not the telling of online friends any information, but the paranoia that followed your ordeal, take charge. Gradually force yourself to note the predominance of the sane online and the infrequency of the deranged or evil.

Yes, there are a few aggressive and dangerous folks out there, but they are farrrrrr outweighed by the normal, and even the nice. Extending your fear to all online encounters is a malady, even if one that may not be socially crippling.

Progressively reach out. There are plenty of online communities with little or no chance of a stalker being involved. Use them to address your phobia and step-by-step, learn to trust humanity. We are not all angry, not all mal-adapted, not all disrespectful, and not all warped. Those are only the few.

I'm sorry you or anyone is ever exposed to threats or violence. I grew up around it, and I've encountered it in the workplace and in my personal life. That said, I consciously work to keep it in perspective. In the last two years, my home was broken into TWICE, and likely by neighbors. But, I just refuse to allow my many, many positive experiences and great neighbors change my view of life and of people.

And, I'm not poo-pooing psychological trauma or suggesting it is as easy as just pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps mentally. I AM suggesting it is a worthy goal to oppose the paranoia and try to reshape your sense of insecurity and to make life happier and more engaging as a result.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I've read this post a few times over the hours since first coming upon it. I'm sorry for what happened to you.

It sounds like we have a very similar event in our past, and probably very similar boundaries. If you ever want to talk, or just need an ear, feel free to send me a note, man. I know how hard it can be to deal with those who just don't -get- why others would develop the boundaries we have. I know, too, the kind of pressure they can create.

[Rareboy]

Have you had proper therapeutic counselling?

I also sense that you may still have some issues to work through.

[Pyromancer]

I am so sorry you had to go through that traumatic incident. Your reactions are totally understandable.

It seems like the best you can do on any online profile is state clearly that you keep your online life online only, and your real life separate from online. You don't have to get into any details as to why this is the case. You say up front that no, you don't share your facebook account, pictures, location, skype, whatsapp, etc. That way if someone reads your profile and has a problem with it, they won't contact you. And, if someone inquires why, you simply tell them you value your privacy.

On this topic you get to be who you want to be. You're a valuable addition to GS, so stick around and don't get any deeper into stuff that stresses you out than you want to.

Thank you. That's a simple solution that makes perfect sense, so of course I never thought of it lol. I'm going to add something like that to the bio on my profile here. And I really appreciate your support.

[Pyromancer]

I've read this post a few times over the hours since first coming upon it. I'm sorry for what happened to you.

It sounds like we have a very similar event in our past, and probably very similar boundaries. If you ever want to talk, or just need an ear, feel free to send me a note, man. I know how hard it can be to deal with those who just don't -get- why others would develop the boundaries we have. I know, too, the kind of pressure they can create.

Thanks, and you're right, one of the hardest things is being made to feel like a drama queen, essentially being told to get over myself. I'm sorry to hear that you had a similar experience, but I'm grateful that people like you and East are willing to share that fact. It makes me feel less alone.

[Hardheaded1]

It seems to be relevant to mention that people on social applications are expecting to deal with other people. For many users, they expect a person online to be a person, not a character in a video game, not a fictional creation.

That they inquire when association has grown more familiar is not intrusive, but natural. For many, any suggestion that the medium makes it "not real" is either misguided or fanciful.

Yes, they should respect the OP's wishes, but there is no inherent more or notion of private that makes an online posting really different from a written letter. Unless it is a form letter from a mega corporation, or an online mindless posting from a Gayspeak-like software robot, there is a real human being interacting and that begins an attendant surrendering of anonymity, which is in someways a hyperextension of privacy.

And, the OP is again right in saying that one explanation is all that should be required. No means no. No drama. No negotiation. All that said, it would be healthier to get help to get over it rather than to feed the phobia.

[East]

It seems to be relevant to mention that people on social applications are expecting to deal with other people. For many users, they expect a person online to be a person, not a character in a video game, not a fictional creation.

That they inquire when association has grown more familiar is not intrusive, but natural. For many, any suggestion that the medium makes it "not real" is either misguided or fanciful.

Yes, they should respect the OP's wishes, but there is no inherent more or notion of private that makes an online posting really different from a written letter. Unless it is a form letter from a mega corporation, or an online mindless posting from a Gayspeak-like software robot, there is a real human being interacting and that begins an attendant surrendering of anonymity, which is in someways a hyperextension of privacy.

And, the OP is again right in saying that one explanation is all that should be required. No means no. No drama. No negotiation. All that said, it would be healthier to get help to get over it rather than to feed the phobia.

The problem with that...when you are dealing with a psycho...the normal rules of interaction go out the window.

Take for instance the battered wife who has to go underground often to get away...and who gets killed by the husband eventually....

There is no getting over it. When you know someone wants to kill you because they are deranged and/or have a "thing" for you...the usual advice just doesn't cut it. If you lose your edge and let your guard down..you know what can...and often does...happen.

For me...I stopped even talking about it because people really don't get it...

It isn't that the advice about not living in fear isn't good...it is that you are playing on a completely different field and the interaction is insane...and unless you want to die...you have to adapt to it. The person who does this to you gets control over a part of your life...forever. Even if you forget about it for periods of time...anything can trigger it and bring it all back to you...

The normal rules just don't apply....