I can't accept the truth, no-one would understand anyway

[Nex]

Um, hello everyone.

It's really hard for me to explain my situation.

Basically, and this is the first time I mention this outside my head in any way, I'm pretty sure I like boys. I'm having a hard time accepting this and it messed me up.

I think I have always been fascinated by the male physique more than by the female body but I never really realized it until last year. I suppressed even just the possibility of thinking about it and I was hoping for it to go away if I ignored it long enough.

My family is extremely catholic and homophobic and they constantly mention that gays should be shot and beat to death.

I kept telling myself "it can't be because it mustn't be" and I stopped masturbating in order to avoid the temptation to even question my sexuality.

Last year someone made a bad joke about one of my friends and me dating, an innocent joke, but, being the catholic school it is, some wrong clique took it for serious and teased us in the locker room showers. Most embarrassingly, my willie tried to get my attention ever so often due to my abstinence and the guys thought I was getting semi-hard because of what they said.
They beat me up real bad, I couldn't do much because I'm tiny and scrawny, and my friend ran to get a teacher but I had a wound that needed stitches.

The school called in my parents to talk about the situation and my dad got so angry at me he hit me at home, harder than usually when he is upset. My mom supported him because they said I must have provoked the rumor - I'm emotional at times and I cried a lot that day, so they thought that tustve been it - and I must make sure this doesn't happen again. I mustn't dishonor the family, boys don't cry, or I'll be sorry.
I'm not sure what the school told them, but they signed me up for religious correction camps where priests talk to a group of boys about how wrong masturbation and sex are.


Over the last year, those feelings started to grow stronger and I tried very hard to distract myself and I tried to look at girls and stuff but it didn't really do anything. I'm kind of nerdy and most people don't realize I'm there so I never had real chances with girls but when I met a girl who was "interested" in me and we went to have lunch together, as much as I tried to force myself, I couldn't like her as more than a friend although she was exactly the type of girl I thought I'd love to marry one that - when I had outgrown these strange thoughts. She dumped me even before we started dating which hurt but I was kind of glad I didn't have to kiss her.

I tried a while longer ignoring what was on my mind all along and around Christmas I couldn't do it any longer. I did a lot of research and most people talk about a relieving situation that felt like breaking free.
In my case, it felt like I was giving in to the dragon I had been trying to fight back all the time because I don't have the power to do so anymore.
I don't know how to deal with the fact that I'd like to have a boyfriend but I feel guilty all the time.

I'm really scared.
I've had some health issues because I lost a lot of weight lately and I couldn't attend school all the time last fall. Not only do I feel estranged to my friends because I havent seen them as frequently lately, but being around them feels so weird.
I feel like a spy or like I was hiding something and they started to notice I was avoiding them more often.

I don't know how to deal with this situation.
I"m really scared and I spend a lot of time avoiding people.
I certainly can't tell my parents, they'd kill me and I can't risk telling my friends.
I feel really lonely and I'm scared of myself.

Also, I noticed, I had a few wet dreams lately and they really depressed me. Trying to take care of the problem by masturbating doesn't do much good. By now I feel so guilty I can't keep him up long enough to get off. Girls are a general turn-off and thinking about boys makes me think of the guys who beat me and my family freaking out about the whole thing. IT's really frustrating and I've been crying a lot.

I'll be in college starting this summer and I'm terrified things might continue like this.
I can't afford getting a boner around my roommate. I don't want to be hurt again because someone thinks I like boys or I'm a crybaby and I want to date a girl just to give the impression I am normal.

Please, help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated by myself, like I lost a fight.
I'm so scared I might accidentally do something that will out me. My family would kill me and I was even thinking about doing it myself.

Thank you.

[TheNewsie]

I'll add more later, but what really gets to me is that you mention they beat you "harder than usual".

[Rareboy]

When you get to college, things can be very different.

You are now 18. A young adult. It is time for you to become your own man.

You do not need to have your emotional, physical or spiritual life defined by others, either your family or your classmates.

Look forward to the freedom you will have in a few months to start to explore your sexuality and establish the person you want to be.

I suspect that you will find that college isn't like high school. More and more....young adults just don't care whether you prefer cock. And I suspect that you will now start to meet freinds who love you for everything you are instead in spite of what you are.

Press on.

[Watermark]

Try to remember that there's nothing wrong with you. Things will hopefully get better once you get to College and in more open minded environment.

[Wolfpack]

Is their no one you can reach out to for help ? You really need some support and advice in your life right now , and I mean in ' real life ' and not just va the Internet.

Like the others have stated hopefully life will improve for you once you get to college , and you can been more independent and get on with your life.

Whatever conclussion you come to regards your sexuality remember nothing is wrong with you and you are fine being the person you are no matter what your sexual orientation is.

[Hardheaded1]

You post your location as the Southwest. Whether you are in Arizona, Nevada, or New Mexico, there are support groups here.

You're 18. You know how to Google. Use it. Find the online resources to get you to LGBT youth help. There is a site call EmptyClosets that is created just for you. Get with our member Lexington to find out more. He has been or is a mod there. [MENTION=21778]Lexington[/MENTION]

You have every right to be nervous and afraid if in a homophobic environment, but you're going on to college and that means you're smart enough to read up and get help. There are plenty of gay and straight youth and adults who will help you and give you support until you can be on your own and not in such a challenging environment.

Don't hesitate to PM or contact members here who can help. You're almost there, so don't get disillusioned before you graduate. With every passing year after high school you'll gain more and more independence and be less subject to living among people who won't accept you.

The world is waiting. Be preparing yourself to take your place. Big hug, kiddo.

[Camfer]

Fact is, you *are* beginning to accept the truth and you *will* get to know plenty of people who will understand. It is the rite of passage of leaving your teenage years behind and becoming an adult who is empowered. You get to choose a new circle of friends, leave behind the institutions and people who do not support you in becoming the best you can be. It's a time of great change.

Find some mentors who can help. College is going to be so great and different. You just need to make the right decisions and make corrections when you make mistakes. Best of luck to you. Stick around here and make some friends. It will help.

[ceez]

you're almost there, you're already over half way through the school year. is the college you're going to further north and not a religious one? there should be plenty of lgbt support there. once you're there start scoping out people who are accepting and can be trusted. also, it's time to pimp your parents, I wouldn't come out to them at all and let them believe your living the "straight" life at college so you can still get there $upport.

this can be the time you break free completely, the apartments around the campus are cheap and are made for students to live in year round. I know a couple of people who went off to college and never came back. they got jobs, room mates and kept their apartment until graduation. start filling out for grants and scholarships now and take advantage of the free money. I hope you stick around the site, this is a good starting point for support

[MikeW]

...I'm really scared.
I've had some health issues because I lost a lot of weight lately and I couldn't attend school all the time last fall. Not only do I feel estranged to my friends because I havent seen them as frequently lately, but being around them feels so weird.
I feel like a spy or like I was hiding something and they started to notice I was avoiding them more often.

I don't know how to deal with this situation.
I"m really scared and I spend a lot of time avoiding people.
I certainly can't tell my parents, they'd kill me and I can't risk telling my friends.
I feel really lonely and I'm scared of myself…..

First of all, welcome to GS and congratulations on taking the risk of coming out here and sharing your story with us. I hope you'll keep coming back and talking with us about your journey. But not only about 'your stuff'… just hang out with us. Once your post count is up to 50 (and you will occasionally have a post moderated before then, don't take it personal, it's just the way the system works), there are other features. There are a lot of good people here of all ages, including your age group. You'll begin to discover you're NOT alone. You might copy/paste the link in my sig line if you're interested to see kinda what I went through at near your age. But w/e… I think many of us can relate to what you're going through. And, for sure, take [MENTION=21866]Hardheaded1[/MENTION] 's advice and seek other forums specifically for your age group.

First thing you need to know is *there is nothing wrong with you* -- absolutely nothing. Now, I know, you may not believe that and for sure you feel full of doubt, fear, pain and contradictions, and it really sucks that so many of us have to go through this. But that's the way it is. All of us in our own way have to come to terms with our sexuality. The first thing you need to know is there's nothing wrong with you and, secondly, you're not alone -- either in your sexuality or in dealing with it.

As for feeling like a "spy," I understand. You're "hiding" yourself in plain sight. You've already been the victim of physical abuse… so OF COURSE you're hiding. Can you see that isn't your fault? That if you didn't *have* to hide to protect yourself, you wouldn't?

What others are saying is also true. As you get older your life journey takes you beyond your parents and neighborhood, high school and all that. Little by little you begin to build a life of your own, living where you feel more safe, being more selective about your friends -- choosing those who are less judgmental and homophobic. Of course this doesn't happen all at once. It takes time… and that's the main thing I want to get across to you. Be kind to yourself. You're dealing with a difficult problem *made difficult by your social environment*. Keep that in mind. It is the social environment you're in that makes this so hard and painful. YOU aren't causing it, you're just dealing with the consequences. That can and will change.

Beyond that, just take it easy. I don't know where you are with religion but if you believe in God at all, you have to believe that whatever "God" is, he/she/it is merciful and *wants* us to be happy, healthy and a good human being. What we do with our private parts, with whom we express our passion and our love… all that is far more flexible than we're commonly lead to believe. The history, sociology and psychology behind that is complicated. But suffice it to say that those who adhere to ignorance and preach a judgmental, narrow intolerance are themselves hypocrites, not living up to their own precepts. They really don't understand the harm they're causing. So… don't worry about them. Focus on taking care of yourself, first. Practice relaxing the tension in your mind and emotions, little by little letting go of the self-doubt and fear. You're going to be OK!

[LJay]

You are about to become more independent. College will help. Work hard there and enjoy not being around a bunch of high school bullies. You might take into account that those bullies are often guys who are insecure themselves. The problem is not yours. It is theirs.

The most important task in front of you is to work hard at school. You have a couple of rough months ahead of you and there is no sense denying it, but things will get better. Maybe now is not the time to deal with your feelings about men. Give it time and remember that you have time because you are young.

Take a deep breath and remember that you have friends here. You'll be OK.